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I Think I destroyed my marriage.(112 Posts)
I have namechanged for this.
Early in our relationship my DH and I drew up a bucket list of things that we would do, or consider doing together. One of the things on that list was that I was curious about experimenting with another woman. We were both a little unsure if this was a good idea and we never followed it up together. I however ended up having an affair with another woman a while after this. I never spoke of the affair afterwards.
Move forward another 12 years and DH found the list in a drawer and we were looking through it together and having a few drinks. DH points to the part of the list that mentions another woman and asks if I remember that one. In my drunken stupidity I blurted out that I didn't need to think about that one as I had already done that. DH looks shocked and asks when exactly I had done anything with another woman and it all came out about the affair. DH is gutted and says he will never be able to look at me the same again, and that I have destroyed any and all trust we had. I have tried to talk to him and apologize but he is just so angry with me. He says that if I had wanted to go with someone else I should have just left him then before we had children. I tried to reason with him and explain that it was different and just experimenting, but he says that I'm still a cheat and he wont forgive that. He also said that he feels I robbed him of being able to experience that as a couple together and also robbed him of our marriage.
I need help to fix this because I just don't know what to say to him now. He is still the love of my life and the only one I want to be with. But I have hurt him so badly and don't want to lose him.
And that's not a reflection on her choice of partner
I hope that nobody believes that I am judging. I was not, and am not.
These things happen and it was not for me to judge, or anyone but those directly involved.
I was more concerned with the way the OP is behaving. The way she told her husband, and then didn't seem to understand the severity, and had a very egocentric response
And then her friend reacted the same.
I wonder if it is the way that OP is portraying herself. If it's the same as on here, it could be worth speaking to your GP, or seeing a therapist.
I hope you are getting on okay, OP.
Thinking of you OP. Your 'friend' is an arse. I find myself wondering what might have been going on under the surface of our marriage - both your 'inadvertant' telling (not suggesting you did it on purpose) and your H's very definite decision that it's over. Long-past infedility is a tricky one. It generally leaves the innocent party in a real dilemma, especially if the relationship is a good one. I know there is no shortage of Mumsnetters who say 'if I ever found out that would be the end of the relationship', but it's not that straightforward for a lot of people. I'm with JayceeBee on this in terms of instinct. Of course he is shocked and needs space. But can he really just end it without any consideration of what might be possible? I really feel for you, and your children are your children - if he is taking definite steps, then you need to ensure proper contact with your children. You are still very much their Mum. That should not change because of a trangression on your part. x
Now this is a new one on me. Lets look at creating things that a cheated on partner has done wrong cos he ended it pretty sharp. This has got to be one of the most glaringly obvious cases of anti male bias I have seen.
It really does have a "he's a man he must be bad somehow" feel to it.
I have NEVER seen a woman even face a mention of "did you want out already cos you just ended it" or "are you sure you were a nice DW" or "my instinct tell me you were not so good".
So far the OP has barely mentioned her children apart from saying that her husband offered to put a second property into solely her name so the would both have a home and place for the children. But somehow that translated to him taking the piss??
DH and myself have sat down and talked. He says that there can be no trust between us now and that he feels that other things have gone on in the last 12 years. He is deeply suspicious of the few times I have not come home from a night out. He has said he could possibly have forgiven the affair if I had been honest back then. But the fact that I kept it from him for so long while judging other peoples infidelity very strongly, and on a couple of occasions accused him of cheating. He days he can't get past that.
We have told the children together yesterday. They asked why and I told them a simple version of the truth, and that it meant that mummy and daddy were not going to live together anymore. DH has made a solicitors appointment for us both so that we can sort out signing the other property over.
In response to the speculation about DH's motives and behavior in all of this. While it would be easy to try and lay some of the blame at his feet it would be unfair. No I am not having to look at him in a different light, except for the fact that I am most likely loosing him. I can say for certain that I don't believe he was looking for a way out. He looks dreadful and mutual friends say he is not eating or sleeping right. And once and for all he is not using the children as a weapon
To the poster that pm'd me the question about weather the OW knew I was married the answer is no.
The awful truth is my DH was and is a very good kind man. He is also a man who does not believe that adultery is tolerable or retrievable.
So you actually cheated on them both?
Says a lot about you and your values to me.
It sounds to me like your husband has strong convictions and infidelity is a deal breaker for him. Sometimes, people with these strong convictions, it doesn't take much thinking to a make the decision to end the marriage or a relationship. Why continue living with someone you can't even look them with respect or trust? The children deserves better.
While I do feel sorry for you, OP, most of my sympathies lay with your children and your DH. You were and are still selfish. Even in the midst of your betrayal, your husband is treating you with great care and putting the children first. Please do the same in turn for him.
One last thing, this will be a bit harsh. Don't be that ex who will put obstacles and unnecessary unpleasantness to the ex-partner when they move on to a new relationship. You had your chance and you blew it. Let him find happiness again and let yourself find it too. Don't use your children to score points against each other.
OP knows that she has done wrong and she is genuinely trying to repair her family's life. Please offer her some more warmth.
Have you discussed being friends with your DH? Continue to show understanding/empathy with his position. I am really hoping tat time, understanding and love with heal your relationship even if it changes. I couldn't lose a good DW in this situation. But each person is diff and it is his values and feelings that matter here.
I think you are right and that it is over.
That is fair enough on his part IMO not only did you cheat on him you lied to him for 12 years. Now he has to question every word and every action over that time and it is probably doing his head in.
I have no doubt whatsoever that DH would be the same if I cheated.
I guess all you can do now is make sure the children are reassured that they are still safe and loved and learn to co-parent with him.
One day he might be able to forgive you which woukd be good for him, but I doubt he will ever trust you which again is fair enough.
I hope you can get through this OK and your kids come out of it OK as well.
I'm really sorry it's panning out this way, OP. I hope he has q change of heart. Best wishes x
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