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I Think I destroyed my marriage.

(112 Posts)
SomuchHurt Fri 29-Mar-13 21:01:50

I have namechanged for this.

Early in our relationship my DH and I drew up a bucket list of things that we would do, or consider doing together. One of the things on that list was that I was curious about experimenting with another woman. We were both a little unsure if this was a good idea and we never followed it up together. I however ended up having an affair with another woman a while after this. I never spoke of the affair afterwards.

Move forward another 12 years and DH found the list in a drawer and we were looking through it together and having a few drinks. DH points to the part of the list that mentions another woman and asks if I remember that one. In my drunken stupidity I blurted out that I didn't need to think about that one as I had already done that. DH looks shocked and asks when exactly I had done anything with another woman and it all came out about the affair. DH is gutted and says he will never be able to look at me the same again, and that I have destroyed any and all trust we had. I have tried to talk to him and apologize but he is just so angry with me. He says that if I had wanted to go with someone else I should have just left him then before we had children. I tried to reason with him and explain that it was different and just experimenting, but he says that I'm still a cheat and he wont forgive that. He also said that he feels I robbed him of being able to experience that as a couple together and also robbed him of our marriage.

I need help to fix this because I just don't know what to say to him now. He is still the love of my life and the only one I want to be with. But I have hurt him so badly and don't want to lose him.

Xales Fri 29-Mar-13 21:11:18

If you are going to explain it away as different and 'just' experimenting you are not accepting what you did and are down playing it and your apologies are coming with meaningless buts...

You are a cheat and you have massively betrayed him as such he is entitled to review his relationship with you. All you can do is be honest and open, not try and write it off as 'just' something and hope that he decides to stay with you.

I don't think you have robbed him of that as a couple, as I think a 3 some is completely different to what you did.

Wannabestepfordwife Fri 29-Mar-13 21:16:50

Cheating is cheating whether it's a man or woman. If your husband had, had an affair with another man would you see it as experimenting?

I think you need to let your dh have some space then you need to be completely honest with him you don't "experiment" just out of curiosity there is usually and underlying reason.

I think for your dh the amount of time you kept it to yourself is more of a betrayal than the actual affair- it would be for me.

noisytoys Fri 29-Mar-13 21:16:53

You cheated on him. No difference if it is a woman or a man. He has been betrayed and is hurt it will take time if he can learn to trust you again

tribpot Fri 29-Mar-13 21:19:33

Surely everything he has said is true? WTF does it matter if it was 'just' experimenting? I'm assuming the difference if you'd experienced it as a couple was not necessarily a threesome but the fact he would have known about it and sanctioned it as part of your joint sexual adventure. Instead it was just cheating, like all other cheating.

I suppose one of the worst things from his point of view is that you've told him when you had no earthly reason to do so. That must seem exceptionally cruel.

You need to take a very hard look at yourself.

SomuchHurt Fri 29-Mar-13 21:32:16

I know I have hurt him. All I want now is to find a way past all this. I love my husband with all my heart. And I really am so sorry for what I did.

I know he has a right to be hurt but I have been totally faithful for 12 years. It seems stupid to throw 12 good years away. I have told him I will do anything to try and fix this

AuntieStella Fri 29-Mar-13 21:32:58

Never mind all the bucket list stuff.

What this boils down to is that you had an affair; your DH has just found out and, because this isn't old stuff to him but new and painful information, he is devastated, and questioning everything about you and the marriage he thought he had.

Discovery of an affair, and the capability of deceit in a partner is a crisis. You have to face up to the fact that it was solely of your doing and your choices are your responsibility.

If you want to reconcile, you need to own up fully, be utterly repentant, take full responsibility and do whatever he thinks is necessary to help him process the new information and decide if he can see a way ahead together. Your actions in the immediate aftermath can assist or scupper your chances of reconciliation.

I suggest you read Linda MacDonald's 'How to heal your spouse from your affair' as a starting point.

AuntieStella Fri 29-Mar-13 21:35:48
Timetoask Fri 29-Mar-13 21:36:38

Yes, I think you have destroyed your marriage indeed.
I am sorry to say I wouldn't trust you ever again.
Maybpbe you should ask your DH what can you do to regain his trust?

KoPo Fri 29-Mar-13 21:43:41

www.umass.edu/fambiz/articles/resolving_conflict/meaningful_apology.html

Your sorry need to be sincere and with no buts and maybe. You need to stop hiding things from him and be prepared to answer any questions he may have with unflinching honesty. No hiding things to attempt to spare his feelings because any deception he senses will undo any progress yo may have made.

I also think you need to face the possibility of losing him. If I was in his position I would be very unlikely to forgive. From his perspective the last 12 years of his marriage have been built of lies and are a sham.

For you I have not a shred of sympathy at all, all my wishes are for the man you have destroyed inside. HE deserves better than that!

SomuchHurt Fri 29-Mar-13 22:53:52

DH has asked me to go somewhere else for a few days to give him space. He is taking the DC's to his mothers for Easter.

Im really scared I'm going to lose him.

AuntieStella Fri 29-Mar-13 23:01:14

He does need time and space to get his mind round this.

Remember, as far as he's concerned, this happened yesterday and has come as a bolt from the blue. He is in shock, and it's not possible to predict when he will emerge - but it could easily take weeks or even months to begin to think straight. The only thing you can reasonably hope for is that he doesn't make final decisions until he has got through the initial stages of devastation.

When will you next have the chance to sit down and talk to him? You need to think of what you want to say, and what impact that will have on him.

EllaFitzgerald Fri 29-Mar-13 23:10:01

Perhaps the apology didn't sound particularly genuine if it was followed by you trying to explain to him that it wasn't really cheating because you were "experimenting". I hope for your sake that he finds a way to forgive you and that you manage to save your marriage, but I'm really struggling to have much sympathy for you as you sound more sorry that he found out than sorry that you cheated.

BoringTheBuilder Fri 29-Mar-13 23:14:36

Why did you decide to have an affair instead of doing the 3some or even letting you watch you with other person?

QuintEggSensuality Fri 29-Mar-13 23:16:08

Any affair is "experimenting", experimenting to see if another person is a better bet than the one you are with. It does not matter if it is with a man or a woman. It is totally and utterly besides the point. It does not matter that you chose to stay with him. If you are bisexual, which you clearly are, then you have the capacity to love both genders. When you married, you chose a PERSON, not a GENDER. You betrayed that person. You lied to him and deceived him, and you continued to do this for 12 years.

Your relationship has lost its foundations. You did your bucket list together. He was unsure how he felt about you having sex with a woman. So you went ahead behind his back. This means the betrayal is twofold.

You need to give him space. You were extremely selfish and stupid.

Flojobunny Fri 29-Mar-13 23:21:25

OP you don't seem to be seeing what you have done. You sound very self pitying. YOU love him, YOU don't want to lose him etc etc. What about what your DH needs right now? What about his feelings? It isn't 12 good yrs at all. It's 12 yrs of you keeping such a horrid secret from him. You cheated on him and spent 12 yrs looking him in the eye knowing that.
Give him the space he needs. Don't try and stop him and don't try and pressure him.

Smellslikecatspee Fri 29-Mar-13 23:23:07

Sorry but you have not been totally faithful for 12 years, you have lied by omission every day, and if I were your husband it would be that which would be killing me.

You've dealt with this and moved on, he's just found out, he's in shock and hurting and questioning everything you've said in the last 12 years.

At this point there really is nothing you can do except be totally honest and respect his choices and actions.

TBH your OP reads as though you don't really consider what you did as cheating. How would you feel if he revealed that he had slept with another man?

QuintEggSensuality Fri 29-Mar-13 23:24:35

It is not just the affair. It is the deception. He will never be able to trust you again. He will not know what else you have lied about.

ZZZenEggain Fri 29-Mar-13 23:28:46

why on earth did you say it? It's knowing you were intimate with this woman and then coming home to him and acting as if nothing had happened. He feels hurt, he feels you took the piss, he doesn't feel respected, he feels like scales have dropped from his eyes and you are not who he thinks you were.

Some people get past it but he might not

KoPo Fri 29-Mar-13 23:38:24

OP I think you have been given a pretty easy time on here. I don't think a man would have had things put so very calmly and kindly on here.

YOU! decided to have your cake and eat it elsewhere not him. YOU! lied to him for 12 years. YOU! have destroyed the very foundations of the marriage. And YOU! still seem to be trying to sweep this aside and hoping to carry right on as you were.

I Have a question for you. Did the person you cheated on your poor DH with know you were married at the start?

Every touch, hug and each and every time you had sex in the last 12 years will feel like a deception to you DH right now. His self esteem is probably rock bottom right now and still it sounds like he is acting with dignity (if I'm reading between the lines correctly). In his position I would be seeing a solicitor as soon as possible with a view to ending this sham of a marriage. I use the term marriage in the last sentence because for me the relationship ended when you dropped that bombshell on him.

Do stop the self pity and do the honest thing and let him call the shots. You at least owe him that.

badinage Fri 29-Mar-13 23:38:41

I expect you've fallen for the myth that sex with a woman isn't really infidelity, or that a man wouldn't see it as such.

But from your husband's point of view, the lies, deceit and covering it all up for 12 years are as painful if not more than the infidelity itself. Much like he would have felt if this had been another man.

Stop minimising what you've done or making excuses for it. Give him some breathing space and when you talk to him again about it, continue to offer him space away from you and make a sincere and full apology. He's in shock and so are you. Now probably isn't the time for either of you to be making decisions yet.

QuintEggSensuality Fri 29-Mar-13 23:40:09

And you boasted about it, drunk.

hmm

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou Fri 29-Mar-13 23:49:14

You can't break someone's heart and then 'try and reason' with them.

You can't make him forgive you or trust you or take you back but giving an actual sincere apology without any bullshit 'I was experimenting' qualifiers on it would be a good start.

I find it fairly insulting that you consider an affair with a woman to be so insignificant that it should be totally irrelevant to your heterosexual relationship, but that isn't really the problem here, just something to consider if you move forward with a new relationship in the future.

CandlestickOlder Sat 30-Mar-13 00:14:11

If your DH was posting on here everyone would be telling him to LTB.

Sometimes good people do bad things. If you want to save your marriage you need to work your arse off.

Verbalpunchbag Sat 30-Mar-13 00:39:30

Op says she has been faithful for the past 12 years and it would be stupid to throw that away. Problem is the trust has gone and her husband will be wondering just what else has gone on that he doesn't know about.

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