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Right so I've just hugely fucked up acted like a cock but how do I fix it?

(31 Posts)
IneedAsockamnesty Fri 29-Mar-13 19:23:38

Exh is the father of one of my older children this child is severally impacted by ASD in the 10 years we have been divorced there have been many issues 100% of them caused by ex's attitude towards our child I have fallen over backwards to basiclly just do what ever it took for dc to have a relationship with ex.

Ex is a bully and belligerent arse he is also dishonest and has even previously attempted to secretly take dc to another country.

Usually I either agree with ex or if its a matter that I believe could cause harm to dc then we go to court on every occasion I have had to take a matter to court it has been so obvious that the issue is a problem that the court have never failed to agree with me

( we are talking stuff like trying to withdraw consent for school to give medication or withdraw him from school so not petty issues)

There are also massive maintenance issues but I ignore those now.

Now just over a year ago dc walked out of his dads on a contact time went to a friends and asked his mum to call me to get him. Turned out dads gf was drunk and being rowdy and violent towards his dad as well as loudly insulting me. He then decided he did not wish to return.

Fast forward to Christmas just gone dad rang saying he had gifts for dc so dc agreed to go get them,these gifts turned out to be cash from aunties and gp ect dc was shown this but was not allowed to touch it nor bring it with him when he left. (Dad has actually stolen money that dc had in his pocket previously) so dc at the end of the visit thanked dad and came home.

A week later dad invited him back and dc went however the gf decided to rant and rave at dc and it got physical the upshot of this is dad got something like a caution for assault and dc has never been back.

This brings us to today.

Dad unexpectedly turned up on my doorstep with a Easter egg each for dc and all my younger children my friend had answered the door and accepted a bag that was handed to him I heard dads voice and dc yelling down the stairs that he didn't wish to see him.

Here's the acting like a cock bit. All dad did was say about 3 sentences and I lost it screamed at him to get off my property and then slammed the door in his face.

In my defence the 3 things he said were that dc is a liar (he actually never tells lies ever not even tiny ones if he try's he starts rocking and striming really badly) that dc is to much like me and I can't stop him seeing dc if he wants to.

I now feel like shit. In the bag was a letter for dc I read it to dc and its the closest thing to a sorry dad has ever said/ written and he has clearly tried to extend a olive branch and I slammed the door in his face.

I know that dc will never see him again unsupervised ect but I feel like I shouldn't have reacted the way I did.

So how to I fix it,I know I can't fix the back story I know I can't fix the problems they have but how do I put right my actions today?

mumblechum1 Fri 29-Mar-13 19:26:55

But you didn't know, when you lost your rag, that he was extending the olive branch. That's entirely different from throwing it back in his face.

I'd be inclined to get your children to contact him to thank him for the Easter Eggs (including the older dc who doesn't want to see him) and then leave him to make the next move. Obviously give the letter to the older dc if he hasn't already seen it.

Moominsarehippos Fri 29-Mar-13 19:28:01

Speak to the kids - explain why you lost your temper. Say its not the right thing to do but xxxxx.

What do you want to happen? Ex to keep away or do you want to apologise to him for yelling at him?

mumblechum1 Fri 29-Mar-13 19:28:39

Sorry just realised you read the letter to the older ds. How old is your ds

Xales Fri 29-Mar-13 19:37:32

He said his son was a liar when you clearly know that is not true - lied

He said his son is too much like you - dig

He said you can't stop him seeing DC - threat

I can't see any olive branch in those comments at all.

Your DS was yelling he didn't want to see him. Your ex has allowed him to be treated like shit and has himself treated him shabbyly leading to your DS no longer wanting to see him.

Easy to write some crap on a piece of paper.

His actions don't actually back that up.

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 29-Mar-13 19:47:59

He is nearly 15.

I would like ex to respect dc's wishes these are that he does not wish him to turn up unexpectedly and does not want to have anything to do with him unless he can do so compleatly away from dads gf and without dad bitching about me or crying on him or trying to guilt him.

Dc does not wish to talk to him because he thinks all dad will do is start crying or saying untrue things about me.

I have explained to dc that I do not care what dad thinks about me and that he could try to ignore this but dc cannot cope with the crying and guilt trips.

I should thank dad for his kindness about the eggs and should apologise for MY actions but I'm pretty sure dad will not answer the phone to me and if I knock on his door I would have to deal with his alcoholic gf (who is best avoided) and tbh I'm not quite sure what to say,I have never behaved like that before not once and I'm ashamed of myself.

My mother has surgested she via the phone with dc writes a letter for dad (dc cannot read or write or type) and dad trusts my mum so knows it will be dc's words and posts it to dad as dc point blank refuses to converse in any other way with him.

musickeepsmesane Fri 29-Mar-13 19:58:49

If the olive branch was genuine why was he so bloody insulting when you went to the door? Why did he not let you know he was coming? He is an idiot. Your son knows this. Yes, tell the kids it is not the best way to handle things, don't apologise to the feckless idiot that turned up unannounced at your door. He steals from his son. You should be proud of yourself for never having snapped before I once threw a tin of paint over my ex, bad timing on his part blush Has your ex ever apologised to you? I know you want to fix things but it is your ex that is broken, not you

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 29-Mar-13 20:01:15

Xales,

Its quite likely that me hearing his voice then going to the door came across as hostile and rather than standing up for dc like I wanted to probably to dad looked like I was being goady and nasty.

Dad has issues with seeing things how they are he's one of those its everybody else's fault types. ( most of his other adult children have nothing to do with him these children are with a different mum and to him its her fault not his) in his eyes dc thinks nothing of the sort but I'm keeping them apart.

I have tried to explain to dad that its actually in my interests for them both to spend time together dc's key worker from school (without me knowing) previously has spoken to dad after dc talked to her so dad has been made aware that it is not me.

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 29-Mar-13 20:02:39

No ex has never once apologised to me.

But I have previously been able to hold my head up high and say I have never lowered myself to his level but today I did.

Just wanted to say refreshing to see someone who has such a realistic attitude.

You've clearly got your dc's best interests at heart.

I'm afraid I'm not a lot of good on the advice front but couldn't read & run.

If he's genuine with his olive branch would dc be willing/ able to write a letter expressing his feelings? I know with asd this might be tricky ... just wondered if writing it down might help? Xx

musickeepsmesane Fri 29-Mar-13 20:18:22

You have not lowered yourself to his level. Not even close. Don't beat yourself up about it. Your DC didn't want to see him, you are protecting your DC. After everything you ex has put your DC through, you snapped. He insulted you on your own doorstep. I do still remember when I lost it with my ex. It is horrible, I wish I hadn't. Can't change it tho' blush

Goodness, you have kept your temper all these years!

Please forgive yourself - he sounds crap - maybe it was time for him to see some consequences. He shouldn't have turned up without warning.

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 29-Mar-13 21:58:16

I was actually shaking whilst it happened and for a good half hour after not with rage but nerves.

Dc is going to talk on the phone to my mum tomorrow he is going to do so from a room in private so he cannot be overheard, my mum is going to type exactly what dc says no matter what he says,she's going to print it and post it directly to dad with a cover note saying it was dictated to her by dc without my input or presence.

I have written a short letter that I will put in the post tomorrow saying

I apologise unreservedly for shouting at you and slamming the door in your face,it was unacceptable conduct and I assure you it will never happen again,

I am not excusing my behaviour and the only reasons I can provide for it are I was not expecting you to turn up unannounced and I react quite strongly to dc being called a liar,I'm also not fond of being insulted on my own doorstep.however that is no excuse and I shouldn't have done it.

I would also like to thank you for the kindness of bringing Easter eggs for xyz it was a very nice thing to do.

Xales Fri 29-Mar-13 22:04:54

You are a very gracious person. Your children have a good role model.

rhondajean Fri 29-Mar-13 22:29:00

Sock I have read many of your posts on here and chatted with you before and I have great respect for you.

You may not have handled this initially with the dignity you normally do and would have wish to have shown, but we don't react in the moment in the way we would want to when we have more time to consider.

Your letter is above and beyond what I would say is needed in the circumstances and as xales said, you are a great role model.

Be kind to yourself.

SundaysGirl Fri 29-Mar-13 22:31:25

I agree that it doesn't seem like much of an olive branch if his first words were that DC was a liar to accompany his letter confused

I think it is gracious of you to write a note, however you mention courts and so on so perhpas it might be a good idea to reword some of that letter. Something like taking out anything about slamming doors in faces in case he tries to use that letter against you in the future.

Could you not say sometihng like 'I am sorry there was tension this morning, but I do appreciate you bringing the eggs and the letter you wrote to DC

or something like that?

FucktidiaBollockberry Fri 29-Mar-13 22:55:02

I think you're beating yourself up over a failure to meet your extremely high standards of behaviour, but that you don't need to do that.

I don't believe you behaved like a cock at all tbh - I think you expressed righteous anger at the way this nob-end has behaved. OK, so it was screamy and undignified, but really, so what? You have the right to express anger, you have the right to feel anger. This guy came to your door and started attacking you - why should you respond with quiet calm dignity? Why aren't you allowed to feel and express anger?

I appreciate that you want to be better than this guy and be seen by your children to be better than him, but simply toning down the apology as SundaysGirl suggests, would achieve that without handing him a stick with which to beat you.

Because that's how he'll use this, isn't it? Wankers like your ex don't actually appreciate that you're a better person than them - they just take such an apology as a sign of weakness and then use it against you to prove how right they are and how wrong you are. In terms of his behaviour towards his DC and you, this apology may actually make that worse rather than better. And you can bet your sweet life that he won't be beating himself up about it and wondering what to put in his apology-note.

Relax. You're already a much better parent and person than he is. You don't have to prove it.

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 29-Mar-13 23:58:03

That's a very good point the behaviour from dads point of view is quite a big enough stick without adding to it.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 30-Mar-13 00:23:32

Rhonda that's a very kind thing to say, thank you.

rhondajean Sat 30-Mar-13 09:17:14

It's true sock.

That's good advice from others about not giving him fuel in the letter though, sorry that didn't occur to me.

RapunzelAteMyHamster Sat 30-Mar-13 10:04:22

Can I interject? I don't usually, but I'm kind of shocked by this post.

Your letter isn't about keeping the moral high ground or your dignity intact. It doesn't do that. All it says is, "you've treated me and our children like shit for years. Once, just once I stood up to you, while you were in the middle of abusing me on my own doorstep. It scared me, and now I'm so pathetically grateful for the small crumbs of affection you've chosen to show us I'd like to now lie down, so you can wipe your feet all over me".

You're not being dignified, you're scared of what you did (maybe you've been conditioned not to stand up to him?) and you're desperately trying to make amends to him so he's not angry

Your children probably benefit more from having a mother who teaches them that it's ok to stand up to bullies and tell them you will not take their shit. Fuck scraps of fake affection like chocolate eggs. They're nothing compared to the fact that he turned up when he'd been told not to and he was abusing your child on his own doorstep. If you want to keep your dignity, you'll stand up for yourself and your children not grovel because your worried you've upset a nasty bully.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 30-Mar-13 10:12:26

Its not the standing up to him that's bothered me its the way I did it. Over the years I have stood up to him when its important enough to do so,however I have done so whilst remaining calm setting a good behaviour example to my children.

I screamed like a lunatic banshee it was not an ok way to behave even if the result or reason was ok.

Actually, I think you shuold be proud of yourself for telling this dick where to get off. Your behaviour is perfectly justifiable. He's been damaging DC and you for years and if he finally got a facefull back, whoopee!

Have a wine.

Don't you dare apologise. Dickhead ex got exactly what he deserved.

Lovingfreedom Sat 30-Mar-13 10:25:00

Too right. He had it coming and you were just protecting your kids. Think about it...they've been repeatedly verbally abused in his 'care'. Please don't send the letter. Yes shouting and bawling is not ideal but give yourself a break...you are NOT the bad guy in this situation. There was no olive branch...it was a chocolate bribe loaded with insults to both you and your DC.

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