Need some advice please!

[LittleBecca6984]

Hello mumsnetters.

Firstly- i'm Rebecca. Been meaning to join for a while but haven't and have decided to take the plunge! And do so with a problem.

I've met a guy online. He is lovely, sweet kind and he is lovely about the fact that I have my daughter and insists he wants to meet her just as much as me. We are wanting to meet up- not going to happen for a while though with my work commitments and I am having surgery soon so we are planning on spending a weekend together in May.

Anyway...here are the problems.

My last two relationships have completely and utterly ended in disaster. I had my daughter in Feb 2008 (how time flies!) and two months later her Dad came out to me as bisexual- although we tried to make things work it just didn't. I then met another guy through a dating website. Again he was lovely- smitten with both me and Amelia (or so it would seem) and then about 8/9 months in I found out he had another girlfriend and a baby. I was completely devastated because I had fallen head over heels in love with him. My other ex (Amelias dad) took me out for dinner in the summer of 2009 and we decided to give things a bash and we got back together and he proposed a couple of months later and we got married Summer 2011.

22nd December 2011- he comes out to me that he was gay. I was sat wrapping our daughters Christmas presents and literally my whole world fell apart within a matter of seconds. I'm ashamed to admit this but it happened...

I lashed out at him- through everything in sight at him- plates, a vase, my ring, a lamp and I screamed at him to get out of the house. Although I didn't realise it at the time my daughter saw everything and was terrified of me (and still is today if I even slightly raise my voice).

I got incredibly depressed. I didn't get out of bed for weeks, didn't eat and eventually my parents had to take me to a psychiatrist who recommended me staying in hospital for a while- I was there for 12 weeks. My DD lived with her Dad until Xmas time (2012) and the only contact I had with her was under supervision- there was nothing set in stone but her Dad didn't want her to be left alone with me and both his and my parents agreed and obviously now I am much better I can understand fully.

I'm still in therapy because I still have some open wounds shall we say but things are much better and DD is back with me (apart from weekends which she spends with her Dad- most of them anyway) and it could be said me and the ex have become friends.

Anyway- this other guy. He has cheated on his last long term girlfriend of 2 years I think he said. The warning signals are there- the sirens and lights are going off in my head. Insecurity or a warning? I really don't know.

It is cutting me up. I don't want to leave it because (as crazy as it sounds) I am kinda nuts about him. Like really nuts- can't get him off my mind tbh. I have spent the last week pretty much spending every waking moment talking to him either by text, phone or facebook.

I'm insecure and I am terrified of getting hurt again- I can't go back to the dark place that I was before and I know if I get hurt I will. Leaving it will also hurt me a lot (and he says it will hurt him to which I dont want) but at least i'm only half way to the deep end at the moment and not fully submerged.

I don't want to talk to my friends about it because obviously they will straight away tell me to leave it. I just want some impartial advice.

I'm also going to show him this thread in the hope he understands a bit more about the way I am feeling. Either that or he will cut it off from thinking im a nutter. I have to be honest though.

I have a feeling either way i'm kinda heading for pain.

Please don't judge me. I ashamed of what I did to my ex but I (and he) have moved on from it.

[KeepCoolCalmAndCollected]

Warning bells should be ringing extremely loudly in terms of him wanting to meet your 5 year old daughter on your first meeting. What an accommodating chap he is!

A responsible parent would not introduce their DC to a boyfriend for a good while, until they are very sure that he is truly genuine and it is serious.

Your past judgement of men has been very poor, and I think you need to be very careful and tread very cautiously - you do NOT know who you are dealing with yet.

[chocolatecakeystuff]

I think you need to take a step back, you've not actually met this guy yet.

My dd's dad left while I was still pregnant & I have learned its always better to keep dc's out of any new relationship untill your really sure you know where the relationship is going. That way if and big if it all ends in tears it doesn't hurt the children too.

By all means meet up with this guy, but to be perfectly honest ( and probably a bit blunt sorry) sounds like you're ignoring the warning signs just because you want to be with someone.
Not all men who have cheated will cheat again... but it will always be there playing on your mind.

Personally I've given up with internet dating as 9 times out of 10 the guys aren't what they claim to be. Much better off getting to know someone you've actually met.

When things don't work out its really shitty, I've been to that dark place too & I'm glad you've got the support in place. Its not easy but I promise you won't have to go there every time things don't work out as long as you keep your distance & don't get too attached too quickly. Stop with the constant contact its not healthy. Xxx

[whattodoo]

I wouldn't make my first meeting with him a whole weekend.

Nor would I be introducing my child to him until I know him much better.

You've been through a lot, and everyone deserves happiness. But try not to throw yourself head first into a relationship. Take it slowly and stay in control.

[badinage]

Do not introduce this bloke to your daughter unless you get to know him a lot better.

Don't meet him for a whole weekend either. Meet him in a public place for a few hours and then build up to more public dates until you know him better.

My alarm bells would have been going off long before now. No-one's too busy not to be able to meet for a few hours before May.

This one's probably in another relationship too. What he's probably not telling you is that he cheats on his current girlfriend or wife, not just the previous one.

[SweetSeraphim]

I would be VERY wary about someone who said they wanted to meet my dc as much as they wanted to meet me.... and I'm not one of those 'paedo on every corner' types.

Also, why do you have to spend a whole weekend with him for your first date? I'm assuming that's not with your dd as well?

I understand that you've been through stuff, but this whole thing is a Bad Idea imo.

[izzyizin]

You are planning to spend a weekend with a man you haven't met

Without having met this man, and without knowing anything about him other than what he's told you, you intend to introduce him to your dd

Knowing only what he's said about himself, you have decided that you are 'nuts' about him

You intend to show him this thread in the hope that 'he will 'understand more' about the way you are feeling

Honey, you are too vulnerable to be corresponding with random strangers online and your dd is far too vulnerable to be put at risk by you introducing any of them to her.

Please take a step back and don't communicate with this man any more until you have talked to your therapist about why you have fixated on, and are fantasising about, a man who could be far from what he's claiming to be and work out how you can get whatever you may feel is lacking in your life without putting yourself and your dd in danger.

Needless to say, there is NO WAY you should draw this man's attention to your thread here as, effectively, you'll be giving him a blueprint to manipulate, use, and abuse you in any way he wants.

[Shellywelly1973]

Nothing to add.

PLEASE FOLLOW THE ADVICE GIVEN ESP IZZY'S!!!

[Xales]

STOP

Seriously you need to just STOP.

You have just got your DD back.

You are still in therapy.

Rather than meet this man in a safe public place with a friend knowing, you are planning on taking off for a whole weekend AND to take your DD who he has expressed an interesting in meeting along not really knowing anything about this bloke apart from what he tells you! Which includes telling you he cheats.

If you want to get to know this guy then baby steps. A coffee in a heaving coffee shop for an hour the first time.

Take it slowly. Give it months before he is introduced to your DD.

If he is a keeper he will understand and be with you all the way. Full on or heavy then back away and don't look back.

[MsWinnieBaygo]

I'm normally a lurker rather than a poster but I felt the need after reading your OP but - holy good fuck - step away from this man and do not introduce him to your DD. It sounds to me like you really need to be single for at least the next 6 months and work on your self esteem and self value and get your head and thoughts in a more rational and better place.

As other posters have stated - staying a weekend with a man you have never met before?? Wanting a life with your DD as well as you when you've never met? Planning a future when you've never met?? Seriously, run away NOW. When your head is in a better place you will realise that this is dangorous with red flags all over it.

[MsWinnieBaygo]

P.S Show him this thread? Why???

Seriously, I am talking as someone who has has had destructive relationships, am just coming out of therapy and this 'relationship' with this man has danger written all over it. Seriously, for yours and your DD's sake step away from men for a while until you can think with a clearer mind.

[waltermittymissus]

You need to spend the rest of this year at least getting well, concentrating on your dd and on yourself.

Now is not the time for dating, online or otherwise.

[mowzer]

Definitely keep away. Sounds like an unhealthy obsession, and he sounds dodgy, I think you know that though.
Also, you've put your name and your daughters in your post, maybe you could ask MN to remove the names to make it more anonymous?
Making new friends might be better for you than a new relationship at the moment, although I know it seems more difficult to make friends, it will bring you more stability in the long run. What is there locally that you can join? Have you looked at mumsnet local?
Xx

[FucktidiaBollockberry]

If your friends would tell you to not bother with this relationship, then they're good friends.

The very fact that you're still interested in a man who has told you he's a cheat, tells me that your expectations of men are extremely low. Why do you think he told you that? It's not a good selling point for most men, it's the sort of thing men who made a mistake, are ashamed of and don't talk about and those who intend to do the same to you, tell you. Then you can't complain when he does it to you, because he warned you up front what he was like. Listen to him - he's telling you that he's utterly untrustworthy and you can't trust him, believe him when he tells you what he is.

At the same time, you're building him up in your mind even though you've never even met him and you say that you're "nuts" about him and will be "hurt" by leaving this situation. But there is no reason to be hurt - you don't know him, you haven't met him and you have no emotional ties to him. To decide that he has the power to hurt you, is something only a very vulnerable person would do. You sound incredibly vulnerable and absolutely a sitting target for a predator. Someone too vulnerable to give her power away to a man of whom she knows nothing except that he's a cheat and he wants to meet her daughter as much as he wants to meet her. I hate to tell you, but that's not a selling point - most men are primarily interested in the woman, they're polite about the child, but not that interested - and a sane, responsible, balanced man would certainly not want to meet any child of any woman he hadn't actually met yet and might not hit it off with!

I really think you need to spend a lot more time in counselling and concentrating on mothering your daughter, before you focus your energies on some cheating man who wants to meet your daughter as much as he wants to meet you. [buhmm]

[SundaysGirl]

No. Seriously no. I have done the online intense 'relationship' thing and it is a massive illusion, a distraction from your own problems and a huge projection of what you want onto someone you don't know. Sad as it seems the apparent strength of what you are feeling for him is nothing to do with him at all.

You are indeed a sitting target for someone with serious issues of their own and your intuition and self-preservation bells are ringing already, you know you should listen to them.

I know it seems like it is real and I am not doubting you have strong feelings but I can 100% guarantee you they are not for him, they are complexes playing out, your own issues and needs prjected onto another person.

Also I would be seriously worried about someone claiming they want to meet my child just as much as me over the internet. That is predatory behaviour.