Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I don't want to have sex with DH

(54 Posts)
MrsWhirling Fri 29-Mar-13 12:42:30

We've been together 10yrs, married 6, dd5 & ds months

. He has never had a proper job. Instead works only when one particular contractor - who is also his mate - gives him work. Sometimes he goes months without earning a penny but has never once gone out to look for work himself.

I earn a fairly well and have been lucky enough to have my parents look after my DD which meant I could work f/t and pay for everything.

Lately and as a result of some not so great news regarding my mums health I have been unable to accept the situation and have found myself increasingly feeling repulsed by what I now feel is his inability to be a real man, step up to the plate and look after his family. He became quite angry last when I again turned down his advances and accused me of using sex as a weapon. I was honest and explained that I felt like the man in the relationship and therefore felt turned off at the idea of having sex with him.

Today I am hit with the realisation that this probably means our relationship is beyond saving.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 29-Mar-13 12:49:44

Does sound like you've been 'carrying' this guy and, if you don't find his work-shy antics appealing any more, that's a legitimate way to feel. Whether the relationship is beyond saving is rather down to whether you want to try to save it. For example, if he told you today he'd secured a permanent job with someone other than this friend of his, would it change the way you feel?

expatinscotland Fri 29-Mar-13 12:52:17

I will never understand how so many women take up with complete and total losers like this and procreate with them over and over.

Snorbs Fri 29-Mar-13 12:57:27

Why are your parents looking after your DD when your DD's father is at home and not working?

MrsWhirling Fri 29-Mar-13 13:01:20

Yes I would but the fact that he doesn't even try & look for work is a big thing now.

MrsWhirling Fri 29-Mar-13 13:03:43

Because they want to but also because he often isn't actually at home. He will lie and say he has work, when in fact all he is doing is helping someone move. Or will simply be out the house pretending to secure work when he is not.

Snorbs Fri 29-Mar-13 13:06:26

Aha.

When he does sporadically go out to work, what happens to the money he earns? Does it all go into the pot for bills etc or does he keep some/most/all of it for treats for himself? Do you actually know how much he earns for these jobs for his mate?

MrsWhirling Fri 29-Mar-13 13:10:32

I have to keep On top of him to ensure I get to see the money. As long as I don't forget to nag him I will get money. I am not convinced I see it all, I'm sure he lies about the amount. He is also never without fags or beer which he drinks once or twice a week.

Snorbs Fri 29-Mar-13 13:19:45

To sum up then, he'd rather see his DD be looked after by your parents than himself. He sees it as primarily your job to finance everything and anything he contributes is only under duress. He doesn't tell you the truth about what he's up to and consequently you don't trust him.

Let me guess - he drifts in and out of the house as he sees fit but if you want to go out to see some friends you have to ask him to look after his children or otherwise organise a baby-sitter.

So far he sounds like an immature self-centred twunt. Does he have any redeeming qualities?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 29-Mar-13 13:21:28

I'm seeing nothing at all attractive about this man... hmm An irresponsible, work-shy liar who'd rather drink and smoke than tip up into the housekeeping? If you told him to leave a) I don't think you'd notice he'd gone and b) you'd wonder what to do with all the spare cash.

quietlysuggests Fri 29-Mar-13 13:25:41

I think you are stressed out by your mother's illness and you are taking it out on your DH.
You cannot just switch the goalposts without letting him know at least.
Can you start with saying that although you have been ok with arrangements until now, you are not ok now?
Rather than insulting him and humiliating him?
Or has it gone past that?

Charbon Fri 29-Mar-13 13:32:52

Personally, I would ditch any stereotypes about him being 'a man' and you having to be 'the man' in the relationship and just evaluate this situation logically.

In any partnership where one partner isn't pulling their weight with money-earning, domestic workload and childcare, there are likely to be problems. It's certainly not unusual to find such a person sexually unattractive, but it's better to make a decision about what that all means for your life.

What you're saying is that your committing to a relationship where you do the majority of the work and you have no sex life. Those are too many sacrifices to make aren't they?

AThingInYourLife Fri 29-Mar-13 13:47:03

"You cannot just switch the goalposts without letting him know at least."

grin

Course she can.

She doesn't have to give him notice that his rampant pisstaking has come to an end.

If he finds it humiliating to be a useless twat, that's his lookout.

MrsWhirling Fri 29-Mar-13 14:36:21

Thnks everyone. Yes I am stressed about my mums illness which has definetly shun the spotlight light on this. I am very worried about how I will be able to go back to work after my mat leave and without my mums help pay all the bills. At this point I expected it to hit him like a bolt out of the blue and force him into regular work but so far he hasn't shown any signs of this. I hate stereotypes but I do feel like the man in the relationship and this does turn me off him sexually. I have been carrying him for years but after the birth of DD I chose to accept the situation - lay in my bed if you like. Now something has changed that, probably mums illness and to be fair most of the time I wish he would just leave me sad

SanityClause Fri 29-Mar-13 15:09:14

It's not because you're "the man" in is relationship. There's nothing wrong with a man being the SAHP, after all.

The issue is that he is not pulling his weight, at all.

He needs to contribute in every way to family life, and he just isn't. The MN term is Cocklodger, I think you'll find.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 29-Mar-13 15:59:57

Rather than wishing he'd leave.... which he'll never do because he's onto a good thing... why not ask him to go? Doesn't have to be for ever. Just long enough to let you get your thoughts straight and for him to have a small taste of what he's going to miss that he used to take for granted. Could be the kick in the pants he needs. Could be the space you need....

expatinscotland Fri 29-Mar-13 16:21:24

I agree with Cognito.

Helltotheno Fri 29-Mar-13 21:25:03

I think it all boils down to the fact that you don't respect him OP, and I don't see anything wrong with you saying that to him. Why not be honest and tell him you have no respect for him and the reasons why?
Could you manage on your own?

dopeysheep Fri 29-Mar-13 21:32:53

You aren't using sex as a weapon. You've just decided that since he clearly doesn't support or respect you then sex with him is simply going to be yet another chore you have to perform for him.
And you've had enough. Fair play, correct decision.

Lueji Sat 30-Mar-13 00:31:10

I don't think it's about being the main earner, or feeling like the man in the relationship.
What if he was a sahd, took care of dc and the house and so on?
I bet you'd still respect and love him.

The problem is that he is living off you and not contributing at home at all.
You feel, quite rightly, taken advantage of.

pollypandemonium Sat 30-Mar-13 00:37:28

What would he say if you asked him to move out?

MrsWhirling Sat 30-Mar-13 07:58:31

I think he would be shocked and would try to convince me otherwise. I don't think he would believe me and try to avoid the subject thinking I need to calm down and forget about it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 30-Mar-13 08:04:09

That's one option.... but don't you think that the resentment will just escalate if you do nothing? Or have you kissed and made up already?

MrsWhirling Sat 30-Mar-13 08:31:15

Not made up. Hardly spoken. He slept on the soda. I sent him a text while he was out saying he treated the place like a hotel and I felt like a single parent. He replied that I treated him worse!!! Typical him. Lives in his own world where he is a great husband, father and all round great guy & useful member of society.

TweedWasSoLastYear Sat 30-Mar-13 09:16:08

Sounds like you have either Kevin or Perry living with you.
Going to guess his contribution to the household in basically zilch.
How much cooking , cleaning , ironing does he do?
when you come in from work does he say " Its OK , ive done the washing and cooking as ive been here all day , sit down heres a mug of tea"

I guess you have to decide if he can become a sahd ,or is he incapable of it. If not then can you make him get a job ?

No point in having sex with him if find him and his attitude repulsive
Job lists might work , but i think there will always be an uncheckable excuse as to why none of its been done.

good luck with him.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now