Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Does this sound like he is using prostitutes? :(

(93 Posts)
Cabrinha Thu 28-Mar-13 23:48:38

Would appreciate some advice if anyone has knowledge of how meetings with prostitutes can be arranged - and I'm sorry for those who know for a bad reason :0(

So - background - some years ago I had cause to think my husband may have seen a prostitute. I don't want to post identifying info, but for example local escort sites in browser history. He swore it was curiosity / porn, we had counselling... I thought it probably never led to a booking, but trust was gone. And yes - I should have left him then.

Since then, I have periodically checked his phone - again, yes, if I felt the need to, I should have left (we have a child...). He uses it for work, so not unusual to have text messages with no name. I don't see phone often, but I do remember seeing a few numbers with no text attached (iPhone). It's only recently when I decided to delete a conversation with a friend where I'd bitched about him, that I found that this is what you see when all texts are cleared: the date and number still there, but no texts. There are 14 of these in a 2 year period (his sex drive never seemed high). Each of the 14 is a different number.

3 actually do have a message or two - which it would be easy to interpret along the lines of prostitution. One he says he has to cancel, one says next Thu 12:00 is only slot but he can have first refusal on cancellation, from Liz, and the third one starts from her "got man here can u wait for me x" - "no probs I'm early" - "call me x". As I say v easy to interpret as prostitution.

So... Sorry this is really long! I'll actually ask my question now!

Is this how prostitution can work? You get a mobile number and arrange it that way? All the 14 numbers are different, so I presume different women? I've seen escort ads in the paper, and I think they have mobile numbers? But how about on line?

4 different numbers are clustered over 2 weekend days - a year ago, but I know I was away then - and unexpectedly, so him quickly texting round to find someone free?

Frankly - I think it looks guilty as sin. And the fact I'm even asking this is a good reason to end our marriage - checking phones, FFS?

But I'd really appreciate if anyone could tell whether that's a common way to arrange prostitutes - i.e. via text, and if so, what's the likely source - newspaper, online (wouldn't that be email? Do women put mobiles on profiles on line? ...)

Thanks for getting this far sad

Cabrinha Thu 28-Mar-13 23:51:16

No STD check necessary - had the full work up for an unrelated medical matter a whole back, and haven't had sex.

PhyllisDoris Thu 28-Mar-13 23:53:35

Really sorry OP.
you could try googling the numbers and see what comes up?

Cabrinha Fri 29-Mar-13 00:05:15

Thanks for the sympathy Phyllis - it actually means a lot.
I've googled a few, but nothing.

The reason I've had such a good look is I've borrowed his old phone (willingly handed over). So it's all from 2010-2012. I'm going to get hold of his current phone and see what's more recent - and possibly call one / text one / cross reference with local paper escort / "massage" section?

He doesn't guard his phone, but it is generally on him - as is mine, really - so not suspicious in itself.

If anyone wonders why I don't just ask... I'm certain he'll lie. Maybe say it's customer conversations and he doesn't know why some are wiped, or sometimes he clears them by accident. He will stick to some lame story and say "I know it looks bad, but I don't know what else to say, I'm telling the truth". He will say this all hang dog and woe is me - not brazen.

I am 90% sure this is prostitute contact, but I'd like to be totally sure, before I divorce his sorry lying arse.

Cabrinha Fri 29-Mar-13 00:06:56

The main reason in not 100% sure is I don't know how bookings are arranged - hence asking here.

SucksToBeMe Fri 29-Mar-13 00:11:38

I once got 50+ calls on my mobile when a 'masseur' accidentally put my number in her gumtree add. It was a mob number and in the 12hr period until it was amended I had 70% calls and 30% txts.
I googled my number and found her advert.
Sorry to hear you are going through this. hmm

Machli Fri 29-Mar-13 00:13:43

I have PM'd you OP.

Cabrinha Fri 29-Mar-13 00:15:05

SucksToBeMe (and sorry to hear that it does) - thank you.
50+ calls huh? Money to be made then <black humour>

SucksToBeMe Fri 29-Mar-13 00:29:33

I posted a thread about it here's while ago. I was shocked at the sheer volume that one fairly tame and non descript advert received.
I rang her to tell her,she was a lovely polish lady, who was was genuinely confused as to why she'd not had any responses.
Long story short, she offered me a job shock. 80 pound a time and I keep it all. (I declined her kind offer , being pregnant and 'all)
I don't wish to make light of your situation, it's just shocking that this whole other world exists.

Cabrinha Fri 29-Mar-13 00:33:56

Well, at 50 calls in half a day, I can see why she'd be happy to share the work!!
Machli - have tried to reply, but phone just freezes - thank you, though.

rimmerfleadick Fri 29-Mar-13 00:47:46

Right I know of a site - search for adultwork. You should find the answers about bookings and such there and if you look for. Some post contact numbers, so you could look for "services" in your area of the country
The site does have graphic content.

Just to add I have not used the sie for it's intended purpose.

Cabrinha Fri 29-Mar-13 00:57:34

Thanks rimmer. I have wondered about adultwork. Presumably there'd be 100s of numbers to trawl through though... I think he could be more likely to look on local sites or newspaper. He's not on the Internet much, not v tech savvy - so I think he'd have to have someone tell him about adultwork. Ha! He uses the internet for porn - I suppose that would lead to pop ups for sites like adult work!

I think I may just ask him to explain tomorrow - there can be no other explanation can there? Why should I have to waste my time playing detective? I'd just like to link up one number though. I'm too tired of all this for the lies.

rimmerfleadick Fri 29-Mar-13 01:22:01

Just a thought, but how much cash does he carry on a day to day basis.
Can you check statements from 2010 -2012 and tie in any cash withdrawls of say £100. Shite to have to go through this, but the more you have the less he can deny.

Mosman Fri 29-Mar-13 01:25:08

Join adultwork.co.uk and search the numbers on there, it's quite an eye opener, I discovered my Ex had a profile offering to cam for men and women, I thought I was looking for him booking them, not joining them.
Really was quite special that.

syl1985 Fri 29-Mar-13 01:26:57

Usually a man will first have contact with the lady by e-mail. Usually to discuss what the man wants, what she can offer and they talk about the price.

Then the communication continues over the mobile phone. Some lady's will let anyone call them to make a booking. They post their phone number online or in local adds.

What horrible to think or to find out that your man has been seeing others behind your back.

Can you try to text these numbers? Ask something like when can we meet? Or what can we do on a meeting? Something like that.
Or google for these phone numbers.

If you want to stay totally anonymous.
You can buy a sim card for like one pound in the one pound shops.

Maybe you get a reaction like: 'Who the hell do you think you are'?
That's the reaction you want to have. It's how any normal person would react on such a text.
But if you get back something like: Yes, darling we can meet.......
Then you know enough.

Then continue with asking how much it's for an hour. Because that gives an indication on how much he has spend on these lady's. That money was also yours!
Then ask stuff like: Do you give a blowjob without a condom?

A lot of prostitutes will do this. They think it's safe and it sure isn't!!! Not for her or for your husband and then you know that he has taken a risk also with your health!!!

He already did that by meeting someone else. Because warts and the wart viruses that cause 70% of the cervical cancers are transferred by skin to skin contact. Skin around the vagina and the penis. That skin isn't covered by a condom and so it's easily transferred from one to another during sex.

In case this is a yes then continue to ask if she does sex without a condom and if yes how much that's.
Not all lady's will do that. But if she does then he has taken a huge risk. Even if he had sex with a rubber. It's easy to catch something from someone who has got unsafe sex on a regular basis.

Especially if that someone does it for her work.

Take care,
Sylvia

Cabrinha Fri 29-Mar-13 01:37:00

Thanks ladies. Mosman - bloody hell! I'm sorry you went through that.

Cash wouldn't tell me anything. He generally always has cash on him (me never, I'm all plastic!) and also we both work and manage our money quite separately. He could easily go once a month and spend £100 and I wouldn't be able to track that.

At the moment, because I have his old phone, the most recent number I have is 7 months old. I want to get my mitts on his current phone. Given the frequency on old phone, there might only be 2 or 3 numbers. But if I'm going to text one, I'll pick a recent one.

I don't even know how people start! "hello, are you still doing appointments?"! I don't know - is there a bloody secret code or something!!!

charlearose Fri 29-Mar-13 01:47:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rimmerfleadick Fri 29-Mar-13 01:50:32

If you do text , make sure you do not withhold the number.

Are you available on.... time / date.

Do you do outcalls (they come to you). or incalls (you go to their place).

What do you offer... etc basically what Sylvia said.

I'm quite embarassed i know this shit TBH.

Cabrinha Fri 29-Mar-13 08:34:32

Very small update: got hold of his current phone this morning. There was one number on history with text messages deleted, in January. It's a date I took our child out all afternoon, but as I can't see the deleted text it might not have been looking to meet that same day.

Although it's only one, it still just about fits with the pattern - this is quite sporadic on the 2 years of history on old phone. And frankly the old phone (2010-2012) is enough to need explaining.

Googling all the numbers gives me nothing. Going to call the latest one, but waiting until after 9am.

onefewernow Fri 29-Mar-13 10:18:27

Always when you are out, though.

Looking very dodgy.

Cabrinha Fri 29-Mar-13 10:33:41

I don't know that far back whether I was out or not... But definitely the most recent was and 4 over a weekend when I wasn't there last year.
Tbh, dates I'm not getting hung up on - I work away a lot, he can nip out from work, the date of text sending might not be day of booking, etc. so not even trying to tie the up.

I've just rung all 16 numbers, with my heart in my mouth. A couple of dead - most go to generic answering machines.

One was my BIL!! Thank god I had my patter ready - kept it real, pretending it was a real company I'm dealing with. So I was all "oh god sorry BIL, I thought I hit last number re-dial!" But that was one that HADN'T been deleted - just one message saying "test", I didn't even put it on my original list.

The one with a message about a 12:00 appointment went to his physio's answering machine. But again - they weren't deleted messages.

I still think he's possibly fucked up with the ones saying " call me x" and "can't make it", they look suspicious. Though I'm dubious that a prostitute would say "I've got a man here, can u wait? x" - but hell, what do I know?

Anyway - it's fucking suspicious that messages have been deleted. And I don't intend to drive myself crazy calling numbers over and over.

I'll ask him tonight. Either he has a good explanation (can't think what...) or it's over.

onefewernow Fri 29-Mar-13 10:40:01

Well I recognise that feeling of " is he, or am I just imagining the worst".

I think he is seeing prostitutes, though.

Charlierose, you worked in adult work in a technical capacity, didn't you? OP she knows her stuff.

Anyway, the suspicion is there, so that isn't good. I have learned to trust mine, belatedly.

There are other threads on this issue.

I

CityTiliDie Fri 29-Mar-13 10:59:43

There may well be a logical explanation to all these numbers, Physio's, BIL, workmates, work customers etc but.....

Just the fact that you are suspicious enough to check all this means one of two things...
1. You have deep seated mis trust of your DH and either need to work on it or get the heel out of your relationship for the sake of both of you.

2. Your DH is giving you serious reason to doubt your relationship and so you need to talk to him or get the hell out of your relationship for the sake of both of you.

Either way I do think your relationship is fucked for want of a better word. You dont trust him for whatever reason and without trust there is basis for a decent relationship.

Xales Fri 29-Mar-13 11:06:09

I can't see a prostitute pausing with a client or texting during a session to deal with another client to be honest.

Or am I being stupid to think the current client would be annoyed with that?

I could see a normal work person or girlfriend responding that way.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 29-Mar-13 13:46:44

Personally, I wouldn't lower myself to sending set-up texts or whatever. He's done it before, you don't trust him and it's driving you crazy. Tell him straight that you know what he's up to and hand him his bags at the same time. Save yourself the bother...

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now