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No sex for 15 years

(32 Posts)
Butterfly47 Thu 28-Mar-13 11:17:57

Hi there, I'm a newbie today and this is my first thread. Any help would be appreciated.

I'm 47 years old slim and considered attractive (so my friends say) and keep fit. I have been married for 25 years with 3 almost grown up children. My husband is a year older and lost interest in sex for the last 15 years. Before that it was only occasional. I have asked him about it and he said he will try but just ends up doing more around the house and helping with the family ect.

We do get on but like brother and sister and when I talk to friends their relationship with their partner is so different to mine - ie: closeness, cuddles and sex. I don't feel married in that sense.

I'm getting frightened that I will never have sex again and I might live a good few years yet (hopefully). Is it worth being on my own and looking for a new start or do I just carry on - I'm not sure I can.

Any help would be great.

therewearethen Thu 28-Mar-13 11:21:10

I just started a very similar thread, I have no advise I'm afraid but your not alone!

fuzzpig Thu 28-Mar-13 11:32:38

Only you can really know if this is a deal breaker for you or not.

My mum just divorced my dad and long term lack of sex (thanks for the details, mum) was a huge factor in it. She is very happy in her new flat. Not looking for someone straight away - she agrees she needs to live her own way for a while (she is 61) but is open to finding someone at some point.

madonnawhore Thu 28-Mar-13 11:35:57

It's really not fair or reasonable for one partner to make a unilateral decision to withdraw sex and affection from a relationship. Where is your say or your choice in all this? He can't expect to keep maintaining the status quo and for you to put up with it.

I think you have four options:
1. Things stay as they are.
2. You have an affair.
3. You agree together that you are allowed to seek sex outside the marriage.
4. You split up.

There is a fifth route, whereby he agrees to get some psychosexual counselling and does his part to work on the relationship. But I sense from you post that that may be too little too late.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 28-Mar-13 12:01:43

It's not the lack of sex that's the real problem, it's the fact that you don't have 'closeness and cuddles' either. Once the affection goes, you've got nothing. If you're only 47 now you mean he's been like this since he was 33? confused.... that's really not normal. His promises to try are clearly empty ones so I'd put it to him straight that you can't carry on with the status quo and then suggest you have a separation.

Verbalpunchbag Thu 28-Mar-13 12:02:02

I think it's unfair to say he has unilaterally withdrawn sex, you don't know that, he may have a very low or no sex drive, he may have a medical problem.

I don't believe you should have an affair, what has he done to deserve that?
I think you need to speak to him about it and see if he can get help for whatever the problem is that stops you enjoying a normal sex life. If you can't do that you'll have to decide if you want to live the rest of your life in a sexless relationship or leave.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 28-Mar-13 12:12:58

"he may have a very low or no sex drive, he may have a medical problem."

And he's had 15+ years to fix both, if that's the case, and done nothing about it. It's not the OP's responsibility to cure her husband or get him help ... it's his responsibility.

madonnawhore Thu 28-Mar-13 12:13:17

It's unilateral if he knows how the OP feels and won't do anything about it.

Verbalpunchbag Thu 28-Mar-13 12:17:40

That's true Madonna but that's not what you said, "a unilateral decision to withdraw sex", you don't know that it was a conscious decision.

Back to the point.....

daddyspence Thu 28-Mar-13 12:30:17

sorry to hear that OP it must be very hard for you. Hope you mangage to work something out

Charbon Thu 28-Mar-13 12:54:49

If this situation has prevailed for 15 years, there are problems with communication on both sides in this relationship. When you say you have 'talked to him about it' OP, how often and what form did this/these conversations take?

Because of the duration of this issue, it is more likely that this has not been as pressing for the entire 15 years as it is now, for you. Therefore if at other times this was not problematical and you did not raise it, your husband might have believed that you were both on the same page.

To deal with this properly, I would focus on your feelings about it now and take joint responsibility for burying it for so long. Deal with the here and now, pointing out that it is not unusual for a woman's sex drive to resurge at this age and combine with mid-life reckonings once the 'busy years' of raising children and forging a career have passed.

Ifailed Thu 28-Mar-13 14:30:35

I'm heading towards a similar situation, where my partner of 24 years has announced they are not interested in sex anymore, but still loves me. I either have to accept it or go looking elsewhere, neither of which I want to do.

Butterfly47 Thu 28-Mar-13 14:54:49

Hi to All and thank you so much. There is a lot of wisdom in those messages.

I will try and sit him down to have a talk and find out how he feels and why. I have a feeling that he just doesn't need any contact at all. But I don't think I can live the rest of my life with no cuddles, or anything else.

He is in his own little world. Can of beer and football lol

I will post how I get on.

Thank you again xxxxx

Hattifattner Thu 28-Mar-13 15:09:56

take a look here - you are not alone.

EmmaThorn Thu 28-Mar-13 15:18:19

You really need to talk to your partner. I'll be honest, i don't think I could live without sex - that sounds so stupid and selfish in a way, but marriage is a two way relationship and you both have to agree to things that impact you both. Talking it through seems a good thing. Ultimately if one person isn't happy and the other refuses to compromise you have to either put up with it or leave sad

Darkesteyes Thu 28-Mar-13 16:21:17
Darkesteyes Thu 28-Mar-13 16:36:43

Verbalpunchbag you really need to look into the subject a little deeper. In a lot of cases affection and sex is being withdrawn as a form of power and control.
Your "what has he done to deserve that" comment is seeing things in a very black or white , good or evil way. He hasnt gone off sex for a few months. Its been 15 YEARS. You dont know that it was an UNconcious decision!
And if by some miracle a man decides he wants sex with his partner again after many years of refusal how is that partner suppossed to feel knowing that he is only doing it under sufference so that he can keep his comfortable domestic status quo. Funny how these men who dont want sex anymore and havent for years dont and arent expected to leave their partners and how that fact is never queried whenever this subject comes up!
Also it seems to me that the women in these situations are expected to keep the flame for their partners burning bright and keep the sexual attraction for their partners going all on their own even while being ignored for years JUST in case he changes his mind.
because there is still this sexist idea in society that women dont really like sex anyway so its okay to deprive them of it yet its not ok when the genders are reversed and its the male whos being deprived.

Darkesteyes Thu 28-Mar-13 16:37:36

What has the OP done to deserve being ignored for 15 years.

Verbalpunchbag Thu 28-Mar-13 20:49:10

Darkesteyes, yes affection and sex could be withdrawn as a form of power and control but as the op gave no indication that was the case I chose not to jump to conclusions.

Your right I don't know if its an unconscious decision and neither do you, the truth is we don't know the reason, for all we know it may be for a medical reason, nobody deserves being cheated on. If the op is that unhappy she should leave and find someone else, why advise her to start a sordid affair with possibly someone else's husband?

Darkesteyes Thu 28-Mar-13 21:45:56

Where in my post did i tell her to do that.
The article i wrote for that website was in answer to a tweet from the lady who runs the website.
i am not advising the OP to do this at all. I linked the article to save typing out a long post about my situation.
oh and my OM was single. Why have you automatically assumed he was married?
See this proves my point how women in this kind of situation are made to feel they have to justify themselves all the time.

SnoogyWoo Thu 28-Mar-13 22:01:58

You have not had sex since you were 32?? I feel so sad for you.

Verbalpunchbag Thu 28-Mar-13 22:21:51

I didn't say you'd said that, you said I had a very black and white view on it, I do, cheating on your partner is wrong, i think most reasonable people would agree with that. Why darkesteyes are you trying to provoke an argument with me? I'm entitled to my opinion and your entitled to yours.

Darkesteyes Thu 28-Mar-13 22:40:15

Im not trying to argue. sorry if it came across that way.

Darkesteyes Thu 28-Mar-13 22:47:28

what you said in an earlier post Verbal.

, why advise her to start a sordid affair with possibly someone else's husband

maleview70 Thu 28-Mar-13 23:00:08

15 years and you haven't done anything about it?

Seems like a long time to plod on.

You are only in charge of your own destiny in life.

Kids thank you for nothing when they grow up. In fact as parents often we become a hinderance.

You have a choice. 40 years more of no sex or doing something about it.

It's your choice not his.

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