Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
TOTGA (or, choco gets a life!)(219 Posts)
well, it would be rude not to, wouldn't it?
This will be the least interesting thread opener in the history of mumsnet to anyone who hasn't seen my earlier threads, for which I apologise. I've managed to fall off the end of another one though, so here I am. For the tiny minority of you who actually care and know what TOTGA is, I promise that if and when there is anything to report, it will be posted here first.
In the meantime, anyone want to start a general stitch and bitch to while away the time?
Yes good idea - I've often wondered if the endless talking about it all really makes a huge difference? CBT gets straight to the nitty gritty I hear?
Yes, midwife, certainly was like that in my case. There was a short discussion about the past but only to establish why I felt and behaved the way I did.
Might be worth checking it out choco to see if you think it could help.
I bloody love CBT - I'm a 'coper' and of course when things are actually slightly too much to cope with copers tend to collapse in on themselves with self hatred for not coping, rather than getting help. CBT worked for me because it's strategies for more coping, and for understanding why I felt I had to cope, and what might happen if I didn't.
Actually thinking through all the things I'd erected mental walls around so I never went there.... was scary but amazingly liberated. I kept saying "well if that actually happened it would be terrible, I would totally .... be alright, really, I suppose."
Hi choco how's things with you?
ok thanks, TOTGA still hasn't been in touch. So deleting his number was the right thing to do, I am feeling ok about it now - his loss really. Sadly I don't think from my p.o.v the friendship will ever really recover after this, I am a bit too pissed off with him to actually want it to.
T&T are being their usual frustrating selves. There have been some v. nasty emails from twunt lately because I won't agree to him just dropping in on the kids on his days off, and he won't do anything about seeing them regularly more often. Apparently I am being very selfish yada yada. And now, due to my 'inflexibility' he can suddenly no longer commit to seeing them on the 4 days a month he currently has e.o.w.
MIL looked after the boys for me yesterday as I needed to work and they've been poorly for a couple of weeks, I walked past OW in the street and mentioned it to MIL in a 'oh well I knew it would happen now they are here' kind of way (also v suspicious that MIL had invited the two of them to come see the boys on my patch - possibly even in my house - when she had them all day so I was just seeing what my toddler would say when I mentioned them. I know, sneaky, but you do what you gotta do!). Anyway, I got a text from MIL in the evening saying 'OW never left the house today, so some other poor girl must think you are v weird' WTAF? Why would anyone (including OW) think I'm 'weird' for walking past her? Do they all think I spend my life saving up evil stares for them both? Have ignored but it's riled me. Esp after looking after her the other week. KNOBBERS
It cheers me up no end however, to know that T&T both work in the same hospital as my mum now, in the same dept (same room) which is deeply uncomfortable for them all. However mum has managed to alleviate the situation by letting her friends and colleagues know the reason for her feeling so uncomfortable and asking not to work directly with them. No squeaky clean new start for them their then.
They have since taken a full week off work together due to 'd&v' that they apparently caught from DS2. Pfft. Well, both of them swanning off in the sunshine on their second week of work is not going to cover them in glory. I do wonder whether twunt mentioned it to his girlfriend that they were applying for jobs in my mums dept? where she has worked for 25 years? Must have been an interesting welcome for OW when she did her first day and discovered her reputation precedes her.
As it happens, I think twunt is so self orientated that he actually erased it from his memory that she would be there. Reality bites huh?
Am keeping on keeping on.
Thanks for checking in on me x
Blimey, that must be very uncomfortable for T&T working with your mum. What a shame for them
and what an odd thing for MIL to say . What on earth did she think that you did to the girl?
Why do these twunts have to get so awkward over access and everything? The fact that you don't want them dropping in during the week shouldnt change the EOW access should it?! At the end of the day, its him who will lose out, if he doesnt have regular access. The boys will make their own decision over time. You are within your rights to not want him to just drop in randomly and to commit to a set day/time.
thanks Skye, I know, it's so ridiculous isn't it? It's like he's trying to punish me for not letting him waltz in and out, by seeing them even less than
the paltry 4 days a month he already does. I feel sad about it, but I'm not giving ground on this one. As soon as I say 'sure, we'll do it your way' I will be back to square one doormatsville.
I have to confess to taking a bit of guilty pleasure in mum reporting that his face dropped like a stone when he arrived on his first day at work to be greeted by her honestly, you couldn't make it up.
re: MIL god knows what she thinks I did.
I just have to remember that twunt got the way he is for a reason, and obviously what his family imagine is 'normal' behaviour is far, far from what I do. Maybe 'normal' to them would be shooting evils and spitting on her shoe as she walked past. Whereas me being normal means noticing her on the street and thinking, 'Oh, that's OW. That feels funny. Never mind, as you were'.
So T and T have arrived to start shiny new jobs and everyone there knows they are pond scum. Great.
Ugh for your Mum, having to work with those two
slimy self obsessed selfish fuckwits fine specimens of humankind
But ha ha ha ha ha cubed to think that all of their colleagues know why the atmosphere is a bit thick with discomfort.
He is such a Twunt, isn't he? I wonder if it's actually 2 by 4 holding his ears apart?
Bet T+T will be looking for news jobs very soon , although with their very recent new start and sickness record might not be easy..
Did you ask you MIL why the other person would think you wierd??? I think now that T&T are so very close to you now you will need to be a bit more wary of your MIL behaviour. She may very well enable contact with your DS's that you will not be aware of.
Aww sorry about TOTGA but it seems like you know how you feel and what's best for you so balls to him.
I can't help bit have a little smirk about what your mum. Not that it's pleasant for her to be working with them but fantastic that she has made them all aware of what a pair of knobbers they are. A week off with D n V wouldn't go down very well in our trust, especially when it was known that they are together and what they have done.
As for MIL well i know it's good to have an outlet for babysitting but does she have to have them on her own?
Oh, loving that their brand new jobs come laden with their bad reputation beforehand. Serves them bloody well right. Sorry for your mum though, but hopefully it won't impact on her very much at all.
Skiving off work together - ho hum. Stupid move in a new job. To be expected I suppose.
Shame about TOTGA, but glad that you are ok about it now.
De-lurking Choco just to say how much I admire you and how much I love how your Mum has ruined the bright and shiny new start for T&T! Wahaaaa!! Karma will always come back to bite them in the bum!!
He is such a Twunt, isn't he? I wonder if it's actually 2 by 4 holding his ears apart?
Yes, I must admit I wouldn't be too impressed by your MIL - she obviously phoned and asked if Turtle had walked past you. Why? For heavens sake, why? And why even bother, after doing that, to report back to you?
And even more why can twunt not commit to seeing his DC 4 days a month because you are being 'inflexible' about not wanting him landing in whenever it pleases? Sounds like he is trying to punish you for not jumping to his every whim.
Anyhow, it is wine o'clock soon enough, and it's the weekend!
I didn't ask MIL what she was on about, I decided best leave well alone
and never discuss anything with her, ever again as it's just not worth the effort. She has very clearly joined the we <3 OW camp these days so it's not worth my energy thinking about it.
Beryl I thought exactly the same, he's trying to punish me by seeing them less. Which is just typical and utterly shite of him.
Work is going good thanks - would be a lot better if I got a smidge more sleep!! But I'm doing ok, and offcially self employed so can't be all bad. If anyone needs a life coach, please get in touch
shameless self promotion hehe I'm off to a national conference for care leavers to talk about it in June. Hurrah!
Glad to hear your work thing is up and started.
I had a coaching session through work a few weeks ago, and it was really good. So I don't need a coach at the moment, but can thoroughly recommend it for anyone who has never tried it.
Choco, I did my coaching session online using Skype. I was a bit about the idea at first, but got used to it quite quickly. Don't know if you are doing your sessions face to face or online, but perhaps a way of being able to reach more people?
I do all my sessions by phone or skype so I can work from home around the children it's really popular! No travel or costs for anyone involved, and I can work around evenings/weekends/lunchbreaks which really helps clients fit it in. I love it! I'm glad you enjoyed your session - obviously I'm a convert, it's always lovely to hear it's worked well for someone else.
TOTGA finally got in touch. We may have coffee on Weds, he sounds completely done in. Not sure what that particular conversation will be like, but I'm keeping an open mind. I'd really like to get the friendship back on track.
I emailed twunt about him starting to have the kids overnight... on friday. Still no reply! I'm so tired, I am feeling much more open to the idea these days. Plus, DS2 is 10months now (can you believe it?? Where did that time go??) and I feel much less anxious about him staying more than a few hours away.
I'm really glad to hear you may be meeting up with TOTGA.
It would be lovely if you could maintain your friendship given you have known each other for so long, and there is obviously a frisson & affection between you. I know he acted like a scared rabbit in the headlights, but I think you should cut him some slack, if you can. From your description of him, he sounds like a really decent bloke, who has too much going on at the minute to contemplate developing things and could do with some improvement around his communication skills.
An overnight for the DC when T&T are nearby sounds much more doable, than if they were a few hours drive away. I know it was all discussed on the last thread that people get hacked off being told to enjoy their child-free time when DC are with the ex, but it is an opportunity for you to rest and catch up on doing your own thing.
Hope it all goes well for you on Wed Choco. TOTGA is bloody lucky to have a mate like you. You can make your mind up after Wed about him but I think he's just probably got a lot on, not that it excuses some of his behaviour but I can at least understand it at this point. Have the twuntleton's emailed back yet? It's probably pissed right on their fire having kids overnight hope the kids cope ok with it all tho when it does happen. I know they are amazingly adaptable little things tho.
twuntmail seems to take a lot longer to get through than normal email. my twunt takes three weeks to reply to something that I assume has already been sorted. (Dolly out of the pram because I wouldn't have DD back on his night, so that he could go out with his "friend" for her birthday. Because I was already going out and my mum was going out, I was being "awkward and difficult" that I wouldnt have her back for the night .
I miss DD like hell when she is with him, but it is a routine that I know now. I do enjoy having a lie in when she is with him and I enjoy a night out too.
Like you say, it will give you a break and they are nearby too now which helps. Once you get into a set routine with it, then you will all know where you stand.
Hi choco. Hope your coffee goes ok tomorrow.
I'm not normally kind-hearted or excuse-making about men behaving badly, but do feel sorry for TOTGA, know he hasn't been great recently, but think you said that his ex was witholding access to his DC, which must be really awful and all-consuming. He might also be scared that if his ex got wind of him entering a new relationship she could make things even more difficult for him, and not want to risk it.
That's not to say you should support him, you have a lot on your own plate! Not ideal to be in a counselling-type role if you have feelings for him, plus it'd be draining and you need all your energy! But maybe you could have a more distant friendship, and just see what happens in the future.
Yay for your mum!
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.