Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Our post-affair discovery discussions continue...(62 Posts)
It's been 2 1/2 weeks now since I found out and I've been mostly calm (which seems to spook him) and sad. We are being friendly and honest and have been talking a lot. It helps that it was a short affair and finished over a year ago. He is what I would describe as a workaholic (18+ hour days, laptop on holiday, never takes all his holiday allowance etc), and I have never felt that I and the DCs come first.
So our talk tonight ended in me saying:
" I feel really sad because I realise that you never loved me enough, otherwise you wouldn't have had an affair, and you wouldn't have always put work first. I want you to understand that although I may have given you a hard time about working all the time, the reason was I always wanted more of you. All I've wanted for years is to spend more time with you, and for you to want to spend time with me".
And he said:
"What did you want to do? You never said 'let's do this' or 'let's do that'..."
I was so upset by this reaction that for the first time ever I asked him to sleep in the spare room, and he is completely baffled as far as I can tell. Am I too cryptic and does he deserve further explanation? Is it obvious to you that he's completely missed the point thereby confirming everything I said? I really wish this wasn't happening to me, it's rubbish
She is just bumping loads of old threads to promote her piss-poor relationship advice, and in the process is stopping people who need advice and support now from getting it. What a kind-hearted individual.
This is a thread from March which has been reactivated by another poster.
OP: if you see this, I hope you're doing OK.
Jan45 - the thread is quite old but Betrayed40 is going through all the old threads about affairs and is posting a fairly saccharine post with her website in it. I've counted around six similar posts so far, but could be wrong. hth
It's 2 and a half weeks since you discovered the affair and you haven't thrown him out yet????
A workaholic who still has time for extra marital affairs.
Sorry but you can't fix the marriage now, the marriage was destroyed by him when he broke the oath to never cheat.
What exactly is he baffled about? I'm baffled he is still there.
Sorry but if you give the green light to be treated with the utmost contempt, that's what you will get.
And by the way, under the circumstances, he deserves f all.
Oh FFS. Men are simple creatures Like molluscs.
Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.
pissters!? well! ok. when u see a solicitor crack open the prosecco
i think sometimes married women on mn think that pisters like me say ltb out of a desire to have more losers on our team. i just want unhappy people to realise they will feel less alone when they are on their own. i wouldnt go vack for all the tea in china. and i wasnt a financially sorted as u would be. by the sounds of it u r "single" mon -fri anyway. and if u know he wont be controlling over maintenance then honestly being a single mum is not the end of the world. i prefer it to thevpist children years iykwim.
you are more than a mother, wonderful or otherwise.
im a single mum who failed at her marriage!!! tell u what tho. i am haapy. NOW.
That doesn't surprise me. He already made that clear when he felt entitled to work all those hours.
He has issues in himself which are not about what you are or are not. This would have happened with anyone he married.
You are for child raising and family events. The OW was for sex and fun.
He doesn't see this, and won't, so he can't address it.
My h has not been prefect coming back from his infidelity. But funnily enough the first thing he did was give up the workaholism, and to stop pretending that "it just has to be done".
In fact he now admits he used it as a cover to chase admiration, because he craved attention and also sometimes to cover his fun with OW.
badinage, you have summed it all up perfectly, I think
maleview, I am beginning to realise this is the situation- the only compliment he has paid me for years (to his sort of credit, very often) has been "you're a wonderful mother"
When a man has checked out of his marriage you probably don't even rank 3rd in his list of priorities.
You just become the mother of his children.
Sometimes you have to accept that the relationship you have is not going to work and you have to work out the best way of finding a way out.
You know love, if he was doing all the right things and was showing he was truly sorry and wanted to repair the damage that he caused to himself, to you and your marriage, then my advice would be completely different. I do think couples can come back after affairs and have seen them do it.
But if there's any sniff of ambivalence or if the OW/OM has done the dumping, I don't think it ever works. I also think it's more unlikely to work if there were seemingly intractable problems even before the affair, like your husband checking out of family life for years beforehand.
You have come a long way if it's only been a few weeks. I can really understand the initial instinct to want to keep everything the same and save the marriage when these things happen. But it's really valuable to question why you're doing that and to realise that actually you don't have to. It also takes some insight to realise that even if you want to save the marriage, it's going to be impossible because you'd be doing it on your own.
Yes, you have come a long way
Sorry to not acknowledge that fact x
badinage, you are right.
Eggy yes I am, I am working on being less judgmental!
I feel I have really come a long way in 24 hours, thanks to everyone's wise and (sometimes brutally!) honest comments.
Are you sure you not projecting your own pre judgements about single mums onto your own situation ?
You know this isn't a good marriage. Staying so you won't be "judged" is ridiculous, and is akin to martyring yourself
Nobody really cares, you know. So there might be a bit of gossip. Tomorrow it'll be someone else in the firing line and your news will just be metaphorical chip wrappers
Er, you didn't fail.
He failed you.
Out of all the people you knew at school, the same thing will have happened to some of them, another bunch will have had affairs themselves, some of them will be in unhappy marriages and the ones who got lucky will have nothing but sympathy for you. Anyone who would 'judge' you for someone else's shitty behaviour really isn't worth headspace or oxygen.
You might be right. I think 'But I'll be a single mum who failed at her marriage', 'I'd have to tell the neighbours, explain to an estate agent...', 'when I go back home all the people I knew at school would judge me'.
I know it shouldn't matter, and it won't once I get used to the idea.
What if I detach myself then come to realise I don't care?
OP I suspect that despite all the theorising, the self-help books, the vain attempts to elicit the textbook 'I'll do anything to get you back' reaction from him, underneath it all you're not gutted and it's more about the public perception that you've failed? If you can make sense of the above, could that be true?
You know it's over don't you? Don't waste your time trying to get him to react the way you think he should be reacting, it isn't going to happen. This marriage is not his priority.
Now that he's moving during the week, it's easy, just tell him you want to formalise it. badinage is right: the actual formality of making the split official and being your own person will be great for you. It's the right thing...
If the affair ended a year ago and he's been miserable for that year, it sounds like she dumped him when she got pregnant. That also explains his ambivalence towards you.
There are no positive signs here at all and what you need most of all I think is a chance to assess whether you'd prefer life on your own, properly separated from him. In practical and even emotional terms, it doesn't sound as though there will be too many losses for you if you end the relationship. But telling yourself that you're single and independent and actually being those things will make a world of difference to your own emotional health and your future life.
I think this is what he wants to happen too, but he wants you to be the one to do it.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I am sorry that you are going through this, OP. I haven't read all of the thread but I do know that men seem to have different 'timelines' to women. what I mean is that if this happened a year ago, in his head it is dead and buried but as you have only just found out, it is all new to you.
I am wondering whether that has anything to do with his frustration and seemingly non-commital answers.
I don't condone his behaviour, by the way.
In the words of good, old Dr Phil, you are either in the marriage or out of it, no halfway house, no room for ambivalence. He found the time to arrange to meet and shag OW etc, etc. this was one of the things that upset me about my DH's affair, he was always too busy at work to take me to lunch, leave early to have time with the DCs etc, but somehow in his busy schedule found time to text, take out to lunch/dinner/shag OW . It's all about their priorities, self entitlement, arrogance etc nothing to do with you.
One of the things that made me realise that DH did want to fix things was that he (after discovery of the affair) reassessed everything, booked the babysitters and restaurants, booked the family holidays etc ie he put in the time and effort to do these things and did not expect me too.
You need to put yourself first now, let him navel gaze and get on with your life, and consult a solicitor if you haven't already done so (it will make you feel more in control).
OP, other than what he tells you (and look where that has ended up...) what evidence do you have that this affair is over, that OW is pg, and that if she is, the baby is not your H's ?
The man is a liar. I am not sure why you are taking everything he says at face value.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.