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Our post-affair discovery discussions continue...

(62 Posts)
LetsGoToTheHills Tue 26-Mar-13 23:05:57

It's been 2 1/2 weeks now since I found out and I've been mostly calm (which seems to spook him) and sad. We are being friendly and honest and have been talking a lot. It helps that it was a short affair and finished over a year ago. He is what I would describe as a workaholic (18+ hour days, laptop on holiday, never takes all his holiday allowance etc), and I have never felt that I and the DCs come first.

So our talk tonight ended in me saying:

" I feel really sad because I realise that you never loved me enough, otherwise you wouldn't have had an affair, and you wouldn't have always put work first. I want you to understand that although I may have given you a hard time about working all the time, the reason was I always wanted more of you. All I've wanted for years is to spend more time with you, and for you to want to spend time with me".

And he said:

"What did you want to do? You never said 'let's do this' or 'let's do that'..."

I was so upset by this reaction that for the first time ever I asked him to sleep in the spare room, and he is completely baffled as far as I can tell. Am I too cryptic and does he deserve further explanation? Is it obvious to you that he's completely missed the point thereby confirming everything I said? I really wish this wasn't happening to me, it's rubbish sad

LetsGoToTheHills Thu 28-Mar-13 08:39:52

badinage, you have summed it all up perfectly, I think
maleview, I am beginning to realise this is the situation- the only compliment he has paid me for years (to his sort of credit, very often) has been "you're a wonderful mother"

onefewernow Thu 28-Mar-13 09:29:46

That doesn't surprise me. He already made that clear when he felt entitled to work all those hours.

He has issues in himself which are not about what you are or are not. This would have happened with anyone he married.

You are for child raising and family events. The OW was for sex and fun.

He doesn't see this, and won't, so he can't address it.

My h has not been prefect coming back from his infidelity. But funnily enough the first thing he did was give up the workaholism, and to stop pretending that "it just has to be done".

In fact he now admits he used it as a cover to chase admiration, because he craved attention and also sometimes to cover his fun with OW.

BernadetteRostenkowskiWolowitz Thu 28-Mar-13 17:07:06

im a single mum who failed at her marriage!!! tell u what tho. i am haapy. NOW.

BernadetteRostenkowskiWolowitz Thu 28-Mar-13 17:12:23

you are more than a mother, wonderful or otherwise.

BernadetteRostenkowskiWolowitz Thu 28-Mar-13 17:18:15

i think sometimes married women on mn think that pisters like me say ltb out of a desire to have more losers on our team. i just want unhappy people to realise they will feel less alone when they are on their own. i wouldnt go vack for all the tea in china. and i wasnt a financially sorted as u would be. by the sounds of it u r "single" mon -fri anyway. and if u know he wont be controlling over maintenance then honestly being a single mum is not the end of the world. i prefer it to thevpist children years iykwim.

BernadetteRostenkowskiWolowitz Thu 28-Mar-13 17:19:15

pissters!? well! ok. when u see a solicitor crack open the prosecco

Betrayed40 Thu 04-Jul-13 14:25:17

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

CashmereHoodlum Thu 04-Jul-13 14:29:02

Oh FFS. Men are simple creatures hmm Like molluscs.

Jan45 Thu 04-Jul-13 14:32:38

It's 2 and a half weeks since you discovered the affair and you haven't thrown him out yet????

A workaholic who still has time for extra marital affairs.

Sorry but you can't fix the marriage now, the marriage was destroyed by him when he broke the oath to never cheat.

What exactly is he baffled about? I'm baffled he is still there.

Sorry but if you give the green light to be treated with the utmost contempt, that's what you will get.

And by the way, under the circumstances, he deserves f all.

LisaMed Thu 04-Jul-13 14:36:34

Jan45 - the thread is quite old but Betrayed40 is going through all the old threads about affairs and is posting a fairly saccharine post with her website in it. I've counted around six similar posts so far, but could be wrong. hth

meditrina Thu 04-Jul-13 14:38:38

This is a thread from March which has been reactivated by another poster.

OP: if you see this, I hope you're doing OK.

CashmereHoodlum Thu 04-Jul-13 14:38:57

She is just bumping loads of old threads to promote her piss-poor relationship advice, and in the process is stopping people who need advice and support now from getting it. What a kind-hearted individual.

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