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I don't no how to fix us anymore :(

(257 Posts)
Twinkletwinklestars Tue 26-Mar-13 21:45:25

Here goes....

I'm probably hard to live with at times, two children in two years has worn me down a bit.
I don't have much time to give him (husband) more attention that he asks for.
I make him angry because I'm not earning money as on maternity leave besides he says I can't go back to work unless I work nights. He finds the children hard work. He is very stressed due to money.
I can't seem to keep on top of the housework very well these days. Having his t ready on time is getting harder too.
He shouts lots tells me daily that I can't do anything right, I'm an fkin idot,thick and I should not talk. I think I've just let things get really bad, he's really scared me a few times so I normally pop my head down and get on. Sometimes I shout back but I'm never right.
Then there's lovely normal times where the amazing calm man I married is. He's a good dad, nice person and gets on with ppl.
I don't no how to fix us any ideas?

Twinkletwinklestars Thu 28-Mar-13 15:26:37

I'm hearing what your saying I'm just really scared.
When he slammed my leg in the car door & was shouting that was in a packed car park. It was dark tho I was really quiet when it happened as he had our ds in his other arm.

Wa cancelled today, there not keen on meeting me with sw. They asked if I was going because the sw said I should. I said yes, meeting them next week now on my own.
Sw called & wants to talk to me with them she's arranging that. She wants us to talk about her speaking to dh. Sw is really confusing me, scaring me. I'm trying to hold on to my little family. Wa suggested something dh & I can do like a programme I think. To help us I want to suggest it to him but not sure how.
Why am I more at risk on bank hols?? I've really dreaded them at times and wkds.

Twinkletwinklestars Thu 28-Mar-13 15:32:17

I see how wrong we are now, I guess I just need one last shot at us.

While I'm feeling a bit stronger and no how wrong some stuff is.
I need to no I've tried my best I guess

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 28-Mar-13 15:48:21

"I need to no I've tried my best I guess"

You've tried your best but you're not dealing with a reasonable man. He doesn't have to try at all. A quick apology and you're willing to believe he's a changed character. Please don't be fooled by this act. Talk to the social worker, talk to womens aid and always remember that you and your children are a perfectly whole and acceptable family. There is no place for a violent man in a family. If the family breaks up it will be because he smashed it all by himself.

Your family will be smashed apart if you stay with this man, not if you leave him.

You have already tried your hardest, when will it be his turn to try his hardest, with actions not words?

I don't think he will ever change, an abusive man is never going to morph into a real man.

Oscarandelliesmum Thu 28-Mar-13 20:26:14

I am so very, very sorry this is happening to you op.
He is dangerous, please consider getting out this weekend. Sw are on your side, but their priority is the safety of your children, if you make excuses for his appalling abuse to them they may question that you are acting strongly enough to safeguard your children.
I really don't want to add to your fears. Please keep posting here. None of this is your fault.

izzyizin Thu 28-Mar-13 20:53:49

I guess I just need one last shot at us

In a ideal world, that one last shot would be in the form of your toe up his backside as you kick his abusive arse out of your home for good, but if you want to have one last attempt at bringing positive change into your life and those of your dc, there's only one thing you can do and that is to be completely honest with the sw and WA about what he's done/is doing to you.

If you attempt to cover up for him and minimise his abusive behaviour, all you'll be doing is enabling him to carry on using you as his whipping boy whenever he feels the need to relieve his bad temper.

There are courses you can go on - ask WA when the next Freedom Programme is due to start and book yourself a place.

He's a good dad, nice person and gets on with ppl.

No he isn't. You're seeing something that isn't there. A man who shuts your leg in the car door, gets very angry when the housework isn't done, won't let you work, calls you a f**** idiot, blames you for him losing his temper, "doesn't beat you" but kicks and pushes... what makes you think this nasty piece of work is a nice person?

Guess I'm just trying to suss out if others live like this & if its normal.

I'm sure some others do live like this. But no, of course it is not normal.

What is this "us" that you're trying to save?

Twinkletwinklestars Thu 28-Mar-13 21:44:25

I keep reading horrid stories of ss taking children away.
I'm terrified, My dc are my whole life, my heart beat.
My ds has witnessed 2 things, one the leg in car. I was shocked he did this and he really scared me. Id just had a baby so was feeling v emotional, so i just swept it under the carpet. I was scared to ever bring it up till a couple if wks back.
2nd was him really shouting @ me he upset my ds. It was horrid & I made him leave as I said I would call police if he didn't. This is the incident they no about.
The sw seems ok, it's just I'm feeling really confused by her. I don't no what she wants to no. I don't think I'm telling her what's to hear. I want to say atm our relationship is equal however & I do mean this if it ever gets near to how it was were over.
I'm taking all your comments in I'm seeing actions atm. Consistency that's what I need to see. Mayb we do need time apart.
He said he's never wanted to scare me. That's upset him to know that.
Most stuff happens around drink, he needs to drink, is drinking or hungover. That's the pattern, I don't drink at all because if this reason. He can't shift stress without drink. He gets short temped angry. Stress gives him headances yet he won't see a doctor. I want to help him he needs some help.

Shlurpbop Thu 28-Mar-13 21:52:17

Your posts make me so sad and worried for you and your children.

This is not a normal relationship.

Please leave him, Twinkle x

MumOfTheMoos Thu 28-Mar-13 21:53:47

Twinkle, darling, they won't take your children away from you.

My dad was violent and mean and nasty to my mum; it wasn't normal and eventually she made him leave.

It was the best thing she ever did, for all of us.

Ring womensaid, get some help, get out of this - you and your kids deserve better.

Good luck.

izzyizin Thu 28-Mar-13 22:03:55

You can't 'help' him - he has to seek help for himself but he's not going to bother while you make excuses for him and allow him to continue abusing you and, by default, the dc.

The sw wants to know if your dc are safe and, at the moment, they are NOT safe and won't be until he has modified his behaviour or left your home.

Imagine if you were living apart. You've said he finds the dc 'hard work'. Would you be comfortable letting him have unsupervised contact with your dc, letting him care for them overnight on his own? I know I wouldn't trust him to look after them properly and not lose his temper with them - would you?

As I've said, if you're not honest with the sw you'll be enabling him to continue his abusive ways. If you manage to convince the sw you/the dc are safe this time round and you come to the attention of SS again, you may find your lack of candour comes back to bite you on the bum because they're unlikely to believe you a second time.

If your dc truly are your 'heartbeat', you'll put their needs above those of the abusive twunt who fathered them in a heartbeat and make damn sure they never have to witness their dm being abused by their df again.

Twinkletwinklestars Thu 28-Mar-13 22:41:57

No wouldn't trust him to have them overnight. Wouldn't trust him with both at the same time unless I was there.

I'm feeling strangely empowered the more I write & read. Mayb I've put to much blame on myself. I did believe that it was ok for him to be like this to me. As long as he didn't seriously hurt me.

What do I say to ppl? Feel ashamed embarrassed.
What if he takes me to court to try & take our dc. I've read how some women have lost there children because its there word against his and they lost. Scared to risk it.

I've been honest with sw however I'm really nervous when I speak to her. Finding it hard as its she doesn't need to see me to she does to see me. Then it's fine to she wants to see me again & again before she can write a report. The stress of this is hard. Can't sleep between feeds & could really do with some sleep.

Spiritedwolf Thu 28-Mar-13 22:42:25

You can't help him. He has to want to change and seek help himself. You can't rescue this man. You can rescue your children though, you can help the rest of their childhood be free of violence.

By staying with him, you give him no reason to re-examine his life. He can have you and the children, he can drink, he can kick off and hurt you and blame it on alcohol and stress. There are no consequences for him, only for you and your babies. He doesn't seem to care about you and your children's feelings or well being, in spite of your loyalty.

Your job as a mum is to protect your children. I'm sure the SW and WA will help you to do this. He is an adult. There is help out there for him if he chooses to seek it. You can't do it for him. He hasn't choosen to seek that help, you can't keep waiting for him to, your children are living with this day in and day out. The children need your help.

We know this is difficult. He confuses you with being 'nice' in some ways. But this 'niceness' is part of keeping you close to abuse you. If he was horrid all the time, you'd find it too easy to leave and then he wouldn't have somone to control. WA can help you through this, they understand how abuse works.

Spiritedwolf Thu 28-Mar-13 23:03:37

You haven't done anything wrong. sad You don't make him behave like this. He chooses to, then blames it on you. But he's wrong to.

He is seriously hurting you by controlling you and making you scared. He's making you watch your children be upset and scared. That must be seriously hurting you. Just because it doesn't leave marks doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. sad Your feelings matter Twinkle.

You can have counselling and/or do the Freedom programme to help you learn how to rebuild your self esteem and how to recognise abusive and controlling behaviour in future relationships.

I'm glad you're feeling stronger, keep reading, keep seeking help. You can do it.

cuillereasoupe Fri 29-Mar-13 07:13:07

I think you said upthread Twinkle that your son was copying your not-so-DP and shouting at you. Your son is learning that this is how men treat the women they're supposed to love. I'm sorry if this is harsh, but staying in this relationship is actively damaging your children, not protecting them.

Twinkletwinklestars Fri 29-Mar-13 12:12:45

Do I tell him what's going on?

cuillereasoupe Fri 29-Mar-13 12:18:16

No, absolutely not. Please don't, love. You would be putting yourself and your lovely kids in danger.

izzyizin Fri 29-Mar-13 12:48:25

No, don't tell him what's going on for the following reasons:

1. He is clearly not the most rational of men and its probable he will turn on you and blame you for whoever alerted the authorities to the dv he's been subjecting you to because twunts like him always blame something or someone else for their failings.

2. He may decide to wind his neck in and go on a charm offensive; morph into a caring and considerate h and df in an attempt to show you how it could be if only you'd give him another chance and stop telling 'people' what he's done to you as he only did it because he was stressed, tired, worried about money, thought you didn't love him any more, etc etc.

Of course, if you fall for that it'll last all of 5 minutes before he's back in the same old routine; shouting the odds and whacking you with whatever's to hand whenever it suits him.

3. He needs a shock. A big one. Being pulled up short by a force bigger than himself is the only thing that may persuade him to get the help he needs to try to turn himself into a half decent human being. It'll be an uphill struggle with no guarantee of success, but it's one he has to engage in for himself by himself with no assistance from you.

What if he takes me to court to try & take our dc This isn't going to happen. He might threaten to do it but it'll be nothing more than bluff and bluster because it will cost him a small fortune. If, by some remote chance, he tries anything like this and you've co-operated with SS you'll have their report to rely on and, if you have WA onside you'll get all the support and advice you need to to make sure that any contact he has with your dc is supervised until such time as he's proved capable of caring for them properly.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 29-Mar-13 13:04:02

"What do I say to ppl? Feel ashamed embarrassed"

Tell them the truth i.e. He's a nasty drunk and an aggressive bully. People can understand that and the only person who should be ashamed or embarrassed is him. That's all the social worker wants to hear as well incidentally. The truth. If you hedge it at all, if you cover for him, if you make excuses, lie or take the blame then the social worker's hands are tied and they can't help you.

So tell the truth and shame the devil.

Twinkletwinklestars Fri 29-Mar-13 19:11:47

He knows something's going on.
Keeps saying I no what your up to, I'm meeting a friend over wk. which is out of character for me as I normally don't see friends in his time. He thinks I'm meeting a man, then reminds me I'm yuk. Told him he can come and check and where I'm going

Feel like the walls are craving in that's why I want to tell him. He makes out I'm crazy. He just did a perfect act in font of my dm.
He shouts at me to stop shouting but I'm not shouting. He tells me my kisses r fake. He keeps saying he knows. That's y I think I should tell him he won't hurt just be anger and shouting

izzyizin Fri 29-Mar-13 19:21:52

I wouldn't count on it just being 'anger and shouting' if you tell him, honey.

It's a long weekend and a you're best advised to play a long game.

But what's this with your dm? Is she taken in by him or was she just playing along? Does she live near to you? Have you told her how he behaves towards you?

Who'll be looking after your dc when you meet up with your friend?

Twinkletwinklestars Fri 29-Mar-13 19:42:49

Need to b quick

Taking my dc withe me

Go Twinkle !
Good luck thanks

Lueji Fri 29-Mar-13 20:14:37

Are you going just for the weekend?

Why not make it permanent?

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