Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I don't no how to fix us anymore :(

(257 Posts)
Twinkletwinklestars Tue 26-Mar-13 21:45:25

Here goes....

I'm probably hard to live with at times, two children in two years has worn me down a bit.
I don't have much time to give him (husband) more attention that he asks for.
I make him angry because I'm not earning money as on maternity leave besides he says I can't go back to work unless I work nights. He finds the children hard work. He is very stressed due to money.
I can't seem to keep on top of the housework very well these days. Having his t ready on time is getting harder too.
He shouts lots tells me daily that I can't do anything right, I'm an fkin idot,thick and I should not talk. I think I've just let things get really bad, he's really scared me a few times so I normally pop my head down and get on. Sometimes I shout back but I'm never right.
Then there's lovely normal times where the amazing calm man I married is. He's a good dad, nice person and gets on with ppl.
I don't no how to fix us any ideas?

foolonthehill Fri 12-Apr-13 22:46:18

No,
your SW is clearly of the opinion that this is a "relationship issue" pound to a penny she is either newly seconded to children's services or not understanding what lies behind what you are telling her.

Talk to WA...they will understand.

Don;t do couples counselling.
This is not a relationship issue
it is an abuse issue

katrinefonsmark Fri 12-Apr-13 23:09:26

Your social worker doesn't understand. You must not do couples counselling.couples counselling is dangerous when it involves an abusive man because it gives him excuses for his behaviour. Focus on leaving and getting help from Women's Aid.

Twinkletwinklestars Sat 13-Apr-13 06:31:49

Thanks

She wants to see me again. I will mention it.

This is what he said had been discussed with him. I did wonder if it was right.

MadBusLady Sat 13-Apr-13 09:50:44

sad Nope, she doesn't understand what's going on. (Or maybe you haven't told her everything?)

However, don't waste your time arguing with the SW. Talk to Women's Aid and get advice on how to leave.

Twinkletwinklestars Sat 13-Apr-13 11:17:29

I'm unsure what the sw knows I've not told her everything as someone else contacted her.

I susspose that's his version maybe she said differently. Think he may have charmed her tho. But also feel he is worried by her.

foolonthehill Sat 13-Apr-13 12:10:41

Both is probably true.

he will have turned on the charm (if he is practised it is hard not to be taken in) and she will not have a full picture if the info came from others than yourself...but of course he will be unsettled/worried about her. his control is slipping. that is why so many people have increased their expressions of concern for your safety...we don't know (and BTW neither do you) what he would do to regain that control. how much is thought through and how much is reactive.

Twinkle, I feel like you are going around with your eyes only half open waiting for a magic moment when you get permission to leave and to keep you and DC safe.

You do know that no-one can or will make you leave. If it is the right thing to do (and i, as you know, think it is) it is decision that you have to make for yourself. Others in RL and on here can advise, support and help you. But you have to make the move, only you can reach out and regain your life.

Lueji Sat 13-Apr-13 14:25:46

Wait until you talk with the SW.
She may well have asked if he'd consider counselling, or tell him that he should go.

Don't trust what he said. Firstly because he's abusive, but also because he's retelling and misunderstandings can easily occur.

Twinkletwinklestars Wed 17-Apr-13 14:37:01

We're apart, he's made no effort to find out about counselling.

Thanks for the replys, foolonthehill thank u. I never thought about reactive etc. also your right about the eyes half open.

Feeling exhausted by everything at the mo.

One other question do your dh/p tell you they will cheat on you unless you have sex with them when they want?

showtunesgirl Wed 17-Apr-13 14:39:31

No, good God no! No, my DH does NOT blackmail me into having sex with him. shock

So where are you now OP?

Jux Wed 17-Apr-13 21:02:32

Good God no! Absolutely not. That would be utterly disgraceful; if dh were to even hint he were thinking like that, I'd tell him to leave, and go straight down to a solicitor. No one would blame me, either.

Is that something else this little shit does?

When you say "We're apart", do you mean you are no longer with him, no longer in the same house?

I hope you're OK.

But I also want to cheer!

Twinkletwinklestars Wed 17-Apr-13 21:56:32

He's not staying with us for a while.

Yeah he said he didn't realise how it upset me & I felt like I had too.

Always before he was having a night out so he wouldn't cheat hmm
Also if he had a headances he would say that's the only cure so anytime day/night whenever he had one. The headances thing was a few yes back used that reason for at least a yr. I'm looking back at things now & thinking if that was normal.

Twinkletwinklestars Wed 17-Apr-13 22:10:02

Excuse poor grammar

Jux Wed 17-Apr-13 23:03:47

Good, well done.

I'm sorry, but how can any decent man "not realise" that blackmailing and threatening someone into having sex is upsetting? I mean, really? In fact, it is rape. Perhaps it's time he "realised" that at least. You can report him for it.

He's lying to you.

You have been horribly bullied, abused for a long time, you poor love.

What sort of support do you have in rl? Are you still talking to WA? Can you get onto a Freedom Programme, or at least some NHS counselling? Perhaps if you went to your gp, told what has been going on and ask for some counselling? I think you definitely need help in rl, firstly for the initial period of him being elsewhere, and secondly to help you set good boundaries, so that you don't ever wind up being treated like this again and to ensure your children are protected too.

He will probably try to crawl back in soon. He won't have done anything like looking at counselling, but he will happily lie to you about it. He will make lots of lovely promises, but he won't keep them. He will try to make you feel guilty - how much he misses the children (the ones he can't quite manage to look after), how much he luuuuuuurves you, how he understands what he did wrong (getting caught?) and so on.

Don't listen to a word of it. Don't let him in the house. Don't answer his phone calls or texts. If he turns up, call the police. Seriously. He will be more dangerous now.

Protect your children and protect yourself.

Keep posting.

Twinkletwinklestars Fri 19-Apr-13 20:34:04

He's back for weekend, it's fine.
We did this last weekend too, spent it out & about with the dc.

We have been thinking about this for a while. Spending weekends together for the dc but not weekdays.

I've had counselling before that's who he thinks made the complaint to ss.
I thought about asking for some again.

Twinkletwinklestars Fri 19-Apr-13 20:39:39

In my head I'm waiting for the ss report I think. I think then I may ask for some help.

One things for sure I understand how hurting me however small is not right. It won't happen again ever, I asked him if it made him feel good blackmailing me. He said its because he loves me & wants me. Didn't suck me in this time.

Jux Sat 20-Apr-13 11:29:54

Well done, Twinkle. It's a huge step when your eyes open and you can see the hollowness and twisted logic in what an abuser says and not get sucked in by it.

More counselling sounds like a good idea. I think you need as much rl support as you can get. Posting here is good, many people find it really helpful and I hope you do too, but nothing beats real life! If you have support here and in rl you will never look back!

Why do you think you need to wait for SS report? Do you need rl validation? The woman from WA will give you that; also the counsellor. Do you think that some little part of you is hoping that SS will say it's all OK? It's normal to want to maintain the staus quo, but it isn't always healthy to do so.

I'm not getting at you, just think that you might find it helpful to ask yourself those questions. You don't have to answer me, but be as honest with yourself as you can.

Keep it up, Twinkle. You are doing really well, being very strong.

foolonthehill Sat 20-Apr-13 11:51:11

twinkle you have made great strides and have been very brave.

Please realise that you can't fix him therefore you can't have a normal relationship with him.

Get all the help you can and remember why you asked him to go, they were very good reasons.

Don't let down your guard, there will be times when you feel very lonely, there will be times when you feel very tired, there will be times when you just want him back. Try not to give in because it will get worse and be harder to get him out next time. His expectations of a relationship all revolve around him, his wants, his desires his needs. Read some of the threads about good relationships on here...you will see what you SHOULD have, and could have maybe in the future.

well done, well done. I know it is hard.

Twinkletwinklestars Sat 20-Apr-13 19:18:12

Yeah I am sure there say its ok or it's me not him It's him alright, can't stand him here. Asked him, pleaded with him not to drink no chance out comes the case. Like most of you said. Normally I would think well were had a nice family afternoon good of him to give up his time. But nope now I'm thinking so u should give up your time for our dc. Also I've said I don't want him to drink because I'm scared of him & he will be hungover and horrid tomorrow morn! Drink in the week when were not around but he can't because he can't handle his job on a hangover! Bulls to us! He's making me angry I don't normally get angry.

Twinkletwinklestars Sat 20-Apr-13 19:21:33

Oh and I'm controlling him by saying I don't want him to drink at weekends. I think he may have even said that to sw!

foolonthehill Sat 20-Apr-13 20:03:18

Get him out of there Twinkle...no drinking, no cosy family [
pretending everything is ok. It's not, he's not and you are not. The only way he will believe what you say is if he really thinks he's lost you...just now he's got his foot so far in the door he's practically 9and actually sitting at your table). Come on girl. you've gone half way. Do the rest. It truly will be easier in the end.

Jux Sat 20-Apr-13 20:56:10

If he's drinking to night, are you safe? Please keep your phone with you all the time, even when you go to the loo, and if he starts just phone 999. Intimidating, threatening, all that stuff is abuse and the police can remove him. Particularly if it's in front of children but also if there are children in the house, even if they're asleep.

Twinkletwinklestars Sat 20-Apr-13 21:07:29

He has no where to go, he pays rent.
Don't have energy to disagree tonight. Im always wrong anyway.

I'm ok, use to it, upstairs dc with me I won't sleep. Can normally stay awake all night when he is like it. He's ok at the mo. I will call police if he starts can't stand him. He couldn't give me some money towards nappies but can spend the same amount on alcohol.

Jux Sat 20-Apr-13 23:09:07

He is truly shocking.

He can go to wherever it is he goes during the week, but it's not your problem where he goes.

Have you checked how much you're entitled to claim on HB, etc? You may find that with the CSA and other payments/discounts you have enough money to manage without him perfectly well.

Would your landlord change the tenancy into your name?

For the moment, use the time to gather important documents - passports, driving licence, etc - but especially bank statements and especially his, and take copies. Keep it all in a safe place. You will find it really useful in the future.

Look after yourself and then you can continue to look after ds. Be careful.

Twinkletwinklestars Sun 21-Apr-13 07:22:15

Ok will do, bank statements wouldn't have a clue where to look. He would go mad at me if he found out. How come I need them?

I wouldn't get the tenancy he works and pays it I don't. He has the money I don't

Jux Sun 21-Apr-13 10:56:50

Oh well, if you can't find them, you can't. And yes, he would be angry if he knew you were looking, but then he gets angry at most things doesn't he?

In a 'normal' (ie, non-abusive) relationship both people usually know the financial details of the household, even iwhen they're not the one earning. It is household money, for the family. Do you have any input into what money is spent on and how much? Do you have access to the bank account? Or do you have to ask him when you need money?

I was probably jumping the gun a bit anyway, and assuming you would be separating officially. He has to pay maintenance, so having bank statements is quite useful as many non-residents parents lie when it comes to sorting out financial stuff on separation.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now