Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Its happened again. What the hell am I supposed to do about this?(56 Posts)
I started a thread 3 months ago -here
Things have been better since, he seemed to care more about my needs until last night.
He's been sleeping on the couch recently because of various excuses (crying baby, bad back) Last night I popped upstairs to put DD to bed, but ended up coming back downstairs with DD as she wasn't sleeping. He was looking shifty and started shouting at me and arguing that I should stay upstairs to get her to sleep. I told him it might take a while and I would like to watch tv whilst I fed her. He grabbed the remote and stood in front of the tv. When he switched it on I could see it was on an adult channel with the volume really low even though he was quick to change the channel. He didn't know I could see.
I cant believe he would do that while I was awake and walking about upstairs. He knows how much it upset me last time. He knows I would happily have sex!
I told him in the morning that I knew and he just walked out without saying anything. Later at work he rang me and pretended I never said anything and when I brought it up he said 'I think your over reacting, what do you want me to say? I know I'm in the wrong.'
I feel like shit about myself, my confidence is at an all time low. Its so disrespectful that he would choose that over having sex with me and I'm so angry that he shouted at me for interrupting his fucking wank session. What do you think I should do or say?
I would if I could, although I don't really feel like it should all be up to me. I'm really fucked off and I shouldn't have to get him to try, if I really mean something to him he should talk to me and listen to me without me having to corner him first. I cant be bothered to act like his counsellor and smile and nod and praise his willing to get help and change things.
I don't have to deal with this disrespectful bollocks.
She can't do that for a few days though by the sounds of it, otherwise I'd agree with you.
Though if she's posted before maybe you're right and it just has to be done that way.
I understand that impotent feeling you get though when you want to do something right now and can't get an answer.
Oh FFS so he doesn't cheat or 'beat you about' therefore it's all ok. What a fucking saint.
I don't have to deal with this disrespectful bollocks.
Absolutely, you don't, love, so stop repeatedly texting him and then texting him again to ask him to stop ignoring your texts.
if he thought anything of you, he would come home from work early/go in late and talk to you face to face.
he isn't working 24 hour shifts, I expect
the thing is, if he gave you a punch in the face, you could clearly walk away
but this is death by a thousand cuts territory, and already he is minimising your distress (again)
it certainly suits him to be at work and ignoring your texts
Agree you need to talk it through...if I was getting no sexual contact at all I'd be pretty pissed off too - but lack of sex per se doesn't bother me. My DH will often turn down sex but will do anything for a ball-stroke and take matters into his own hands. I will often ask for a cuppa and a massage then find a crap story on literotica. That's fine for both of us because we are
both fundamentally knackered, short of time, lazy but honest and even though it might not sound like it intimate.
Masturbating requires little effort and is an easy stress release - if I caught my other half having a crafty wank I would be taking the piss Caught you! chucking him a box of tissues, putting the kettle on and telling him not to stop on my account...and I am not some pro-porn non-feminist laid back wifey, it just wouldn't be a dealbreaker just as penetration isn't a dealbreaker...if this was a 'DH wants me to have sex when we have a newborn and all I want to do is have a nap on the sofa and an orgasm in the bath' a lot on here would empathise.
So...you can either call him on his own body issues.
...insist you have 'date time' and build up physical contact
...tell him it is a dealbreaker for you and LTB
...sort out your own needs and make time for yourself
... find some stimulus you both like
... set some ground rules for what you can and cannot compromise on e.g. the sleeping on the sofa, the adult channel, him time/you time
It might be he feels under pressure/you are being (sorry as I hate the word but cannot find a synonym) 'needy': he could well be a lazy selfish prick. I don't know, I'm not married to the guy but his text was honest even if he was ostriching.
I wish you luck and hope you can work things out x
His text to you is shameful but oh so predictable. you just cant see yet that he aint worth sticking with.
Sorry for you that you get moaned at for handing him his own child just so you can relieve yourself.
I don't understand anymore why women stay in these sort of miserable, trying and head-fucking marriages or relationships.
He uses mollifying bollocks and you keep believing it.
I should stop posting altogether as I get myself in trouble.
File for divorce on the grounds of an unreasonable back!
Sorry sergeant but any man who thinks hes a decent bloke because 'I don't cheat or beat you up' has serious issues and isn't worth continuing with. Because he will probably end up doing both.
Possible OW? Your DH is acting exactly like mine (now X).
Fair enough if that is your experience/interpretation - I didn't think he thought he was a decent bloke, rather he didn't understand why a crafty wank meant Marriage Postmortem and was citing three things that were worse (in a cackhanded way sure)
1. infidelity 2. physical abuse 3. no love left in the relationship
Okay it is him being defensive I'm not as horrible as that guy/piss poor attempt at reassuring her but I fail to see how 'he will probably end up doing both'.
But I maybe am hopelessly naive and try to see the best in people.
The dealbreaker is whether
a lower sex drive/withholding/preferring a wank to sex =
4. emotional abuse/irreconcilable differences
and only the OP can decide that.
Im just leaving you be instead of making it worse, typical ostriching/knows he is going to put his foot in it whatever he says
im too tired to argue, off to his cave, maybe is too knackered to stay up and fight
it doesn't mean im horrible. * this is a bit whiny but on the defensive as knows he was wrong*
I can understand you being pissed at me for having a go at you, that was wrong of me, * he admits he was literally being a tosser*
I just don't feel having a quick tug *this phrase is unacceptable in its own right!*= you wanting to cause this. *underplaying/undermining the OP's feelings yes but genuinely sees a quick wank as a quick wank and doesn't realise she has taken it as a personal slight.
Ive not cheated on you, ive not beat you about, I don't feel any less love for you because of it. * him being defensive/crappy attempt at reassurance/self justification that he isn't as shite as she is making out
I know you feel low about yourself but why must you make it about that, it was a spur of the moment thing. he is separating masturbation from his relationship with her and unless he is wanking furiously 5x a day and ignoring her entirely/never ever wants sex then it is different
I still find you attractive, so I cant see the same massive issue that you do.
the OP doesn't need to justify why she feels it is a rejection - if she feels it, she feels it but by the same token they could agree to disagree and give each other time and space for their own needs or mutual masturbation in lieu of penetrative sex
I don't want to ruin everything we have either though so what am I supposed to say? Im sorry I hurt your feelings x'
* this sounded genuine. I know I am coming over all men are from mars, women are from venus (boak) but he genuinely doesn't get what he is meant to say next or why she is so aggrieved and she doesn't get why he doesn't get it...
I take it yr a man snarky
Snarky, that is some impressive male appeasing you are displaying there
Is your hometown Stepford, by any chance
I bleed. Do you not bleed?
No UnlikelyAmazonian I am a 41 year old 30-week-pregnant woman who has been with DP for sixteen years and doesn't see masturbation as the worst thing any partner could do. I really don't.
Maybe I am a man trapped in a woman's body
But I accept I am not the OP and I have always said to my other half if either of us feels something then it must be true/valid for us to be feeling that way. So if she feels rejected then she feels rejected.
My DP would piss himself at the idea of me appeasing anyone.
I just always find it interesting how language/communication/transcripts can be interpreted differently depending on interpreter, mood and experience.
You cannot force someone - male or female - into a dialogue. If they stonewall you can vote with your feet. The phrases he comes out with (and ostriching is my most hated thing incidentally) are passive-defensive from a linguist's point of view.
He defends explains and justifies but still sounds a bit...whiny.
There is of course a second interpretation...
Im just leaving you be instead of making it worse, As I am too stupid to see my stonewalling is making it worse
im too tired to argue, it doesn't mean im horrible. I do not care enough to stay up and talk. I'm horrible
I can understand you being pissed at me for having a go at you, that was wrong of me, I just am going to quantify my wank any minute
don't feel having a quick tug = you wanting to cause this. * I have as much respect for my penis as I have for you*
Ive not cheated on you, ive not beat you about, I don't feel any less love for you because of it. I'm a hell of a guy
I know you feel low about yourself but why must you make it about that, it was a spur of the moment thing. You are at fault
I still find you attractive, so I cant see the same massive issue that you do.
You have the problem, not me
I don't want to ruin everything we have either though so what am I supposed to say? Im sorry I hurt your feelings x' *Rhetorical question. Passive aggressive non-apology' with an added kiss at the end as a sop to the OP.
So you have two opposing white/black white interpretations of the same text message.
The same as you can have two interpretations of masturbation. Or porn. Or never going to bed on an argument.
That is the problem with digital communication and not face to face. It is also the problem with thinking literally/laterally and the difference between what is said and what is meant or taken.
I think SergeantSnarky has a point. His crime is having a wank and getting cross when caught. No it's not perfect behaviour but hardly ltb time. OP said he was initiating sex more so that issue isn't around so much. M&S he not allowed to have a wank?
Also not male btw.
Oops, Not sure what M&S has to do with it.
(In the voice of Dervla Kirwan)
Rich creamy hand- pulled food-porny sausage
This is not a wank
This is an M&S wank.
I am sorry, that wasn't big or clever - I am giving myself a and a and you can report that one - given it is relationships thread and not chat. Sorry OP (genuinely) x
I thought it was funny SS. And I think your 2nd interpretation is spot-on. He's just not acknowledging the fact that him preferring porn to real-life sex with his keen and loving wife is utterly shitty.
The sleeping on the sofa excuse just gives him the chance to watch more porn (and opt out of sharing baby duties). What a saddo. OP I think it's time to get tough. Why should you have to put up with being so miserable?
What twg said
For me, this isn't about the wanking. Nothing wrong with that at all
It's about the fact he is using porn to get off in place of loving sex with his partner, lying about it (again) and shirking child care responsibilities in favour of servicing his cock
"I don't have to deal with this disrespectful bollocks."
"He uses mollifying bollocks and you keep believing it."
I think the crux of the matter is that (sex aside), he can't be arsed to make an effort in any area of life with you, OP. His actions have shouted it out, plain and simple. He can't be arsed to look after his child, he can't be arsed to make the effort to understand the effect this has on you. He can't be arsed to make the effort sexually with you, preferring to have a wank over porn, he can't be arsed to make the effort to understand the effect this has on you.... He makes excuses to "leave you be" because he can't be arsed to make the effort, he can't be arsed to understand the effect this has on you.
Can you see a picture forming here? It's not about sex really. It's about his distinct lack of respect and his not being bothered about you.
this relationship such as it is sounds so boring and so draining.
op, can u afford freedom? unlikelyamazonian asks why women stay in such awful relationships. i reckon it all comes down to money.
op u r going to have to swim uphill to get out of this situation. take a deep breath. it is goung to take effort. and u r tired from being ground down and caring for dc on your own. but how tired and joyless will u b after another 15 years of this!? he might dump u b4 that tho. u might be lucky.
Last night he just got home as I was putting dd back to bed. He said he would be up after having a snack. An hour and a bit passed and he still hadn't come to bed, he said he wanted to watch some tv. Then at 2am I went downstairs for a drink to find him asleep on the sofa with his duvet and pillows.
I've realised recently just how much he avoids being around me. When I'm not in bed he will go to bed really early (about 9.30) but when I'm in bed he will stay up until 2am or so. On weekends he will announce he's going out 2 minutes before he plans to leave so I don't get a chance to get me and dd ready to come along too.
I ask myself at times why I stay in the relationship. The biggest reasons why are because I don't have any support (no friends or family) and I'm a SAHM and haven't worked for quite a while due to mental health problems before I had dd. I just couldn't leave.
There is a small part that wants to stay because sometimes its not this bad, although its never great. I always convince myself its a rough patch and I really put so much of myself into fixing things but its one sided, lemonylemon you are very right about him not being bothered with anything.
Join the discussion
Please login first.