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My husband that he is too embarassed to go out outside the house with our daughter

(115 Posts)
gloucestergirl Mon 25-Mar-13 19:41:30

Basically that. I'd love lovely family days out, but our DD cries sometimes. She is only 1 and gets hungry and generally acts likes a baby. Husband gets embarassed by her crying and hates going out in public with her. He won't do baby things like going to the library or the local baby musuem as it is too boring. I am so disappointed in him as a father and feel so sad.

SunshineOutdoors Mon 25-Mar-13 20:08:07

If he finds crying embarrassing he might need preparing for the lying down on the floor full on screaming that could possibly occur within a year's time.

Either he's being a bit of a nob or, hopefully probably more likely, he feels a bit out of his depth and unsure at how best to handle things - don't we all? Any way you could think of to sit down and try and get him to talk about any fears?

izzyizin Mon 25-Mar-13 20:08:50

I'm also intrigued by the notion of a 'baby museum'.

Is it historic - babies through the ages? Is it interactive? If so, and your baby screams her head off when he takes her to peruse the exhibits, he'll be able to tune her cries out by listening to those of medieval, Tudor, Restoration, Jacobean, Regency, Victorian, etc babies howlling their heads off. smile

Snazzynewyear Mon 25-Mar-13 20:09:20

Bet he doesn't refuse to do the bits of his job that are 'too boring'. Poor excuse for not wanting to do his share.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Mon 25-Mar-13 20:10:08

My sister says she felt embarrassed by people seeing her being nurturing...not so much by the crying but by people witnessing her being a parent and doing "mum things"

I think people have been very harsh on the DH here...it's such a full on thing being a parent and we don't always know how we will feel about it.

bountyicecream Mon 25-Mar-13 20:11:49

My H was like this and I'm sad to say he gradually turned into an entitled, 'the-world-revolves-around-me', lazy, narcissistic eejit. He basically said that he didn't do baby stuff and that was it. In his defence he has improved as she has got older and has definitely grown as a father, but the scales are off my eyes and I'm in the process of separation as he is a terrible husband. Not saying that's the case with your H but how is your relationship generally? Does he pull his weight at home generally?

gloucestergirl Mon 25-Mar-13 20:12:10

Thanks for your replies. I think he is a complete idiot. But it turns out that telling him so is not the best way to deal with it. I have to think. Like I say I am so disappointed and sad.

BTW baby museum is a big space in the ordinary museum where kids get to run around and no-one else cares. It is great - every town should have one.

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou Mon 25-Mar-13 20:13:21

I embarrass really easily. The trick is to realise that you just have to crack on with life and do the things you need to do in a state of embarrassment, otherwise you would never leave the house. As for not doing things because they are boring - welcome to parenthood.

I too want to know what a baby museum is.

BOEUF Mon 25-Mar-13 20:13:51

Let me guess- he's gone into a sulk, and is now refusing to do anything with her?

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Mon 25-Mar-13 20:15:46

Does nobody at all think that he could just be like my sister was? Genuinely embarrassed? Or is he automatically a wanker because he's a man?

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 25-Mar-13 20:15:59

What an absolute tosser.

He is her father, he needs to take a share in her care, he doesn't get to opt out.

You need to find out why OP, in the most neutral way possible, without getting angry easier said than done

If he gives you a bullsh't answer or uses it as an excuse to be uninvolved then you can do what you feel you must. If it's genuinely a confidence thing then he needs to just get on with it, maybe with some words of encouragement. I know that sounds silly, as you've had to just get on with it but if he is a shy bloke (I'm very shy myself & it did take a few months for my skin to thicken) then he probably just needs to approach it step by step. Before he knows it the looks won't even be noticed and he'll relax in his role as a dad.

I hope it's a case of shyness & lack of confidence and he's not just trying to cop out!

EggyFucker Mon 25-Mar-13 20:20:33

Another useless father

The world is fucking full of 'em

And the women who cover for them sad

CognitiveOverload Mon 25-Mar-13 20:21:30

This won't be solved by calling him an idiot. You need to try to understand his reasons and work through them.

^ if it is a case of general uselessness then I wouldn't hold my breath & would walk asap...

bountyicecream Mon 25-Mar-13 20:22:37

neomaxi I can understand embarassment at the supermarket or on a flight or anyway where people without kids frequent. But I can't really understand being so embarassed that you wouldn't go somewhere like a children centre or baby group (although admittedly you might not enjoy it) where everyone has children and so crying is the norm. Did your sister even find it difficult to go somewhere like this?

bountyicecream Mon 25-Mar-13 20:23:45

* anywhere where people without kids

^ and what co said.

No matter how angry you are if you want to have a constructive discussion about it then you need to avoid saying things like 'you always' 'you never' or anything else accusatory...just because it'll only make the other person defensive, rather than consider your point.

And again, if he is just not bothering and coming out with stuff like that then do whatever you feel is best for you & DD in this situation.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Mon 25-Mar-13 20:26:41

Bounty yes she did....she didn't go to any baby groups and when other people visited her, she felt self conscious picking her DS up or anything. She was embarrassed pushing his pram, everything. She HAD to though as her DH was at work a lot and it faded eventually.

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou Mon 25-Mar-13 20:27:01

I think he could be embarrassed NeoMaxi but I don't accept that it is ok to simply not parent your child because of embarrassment or boredom.

In all seriousness, where would we be if nobody did anything that was embarrassing or boring?

If you want to only do what you want then good on you but you can't be part of a family unit, with a baby, and be an autonomous single person, at the same time. Life's not like that. If it was there wouldn't be 100's of adults eating in pizza hut or standing on touchlines or sitting by swimming pools or going to the baby museum...

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Mon 25-Mar-13 20:27:56

OP please take no notice of those who are calling your partner useless and awful things about "another useless Father" it's obvious that some people have a damaged view of men in general.

Is he a decent man otherwise? did he want a child? how was his own childhood?

CognitiveOverload Mon 25-Mar-13 20:32:14

Eggyfucker, that comment really is one of most judgemental generalisations I have ever come across.

ProphetOfDoom Mon 25-Mar-13 20:32:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EggyFucker Mon 25-Mar-13 20:37:29

a father that refuses to go anywhere in the company of his tiny daughter is not a good father

he should shape up or ship out

of course he is useless...is OP to go everywhere on her own with the child despite the fact they are a family unit...or stay in with him and pander to his uselessness ?

Not a route I would recommend

he chose to be a parent, not just father a child

no one is that stupid that they don't know that sometimes it isn't easy

perhaps he has PND...no-one has come out with that little gem yet

My dh used to get very agitated about ds screaming crying when in public because he was worried that we were ruining everyone elses in the venues nice time (ok the winebar!) but after a lot of cajoling he now realises that he has never paid any attention to anyone elses child.

DH initially couldn't see that point of going out to museums etc... when ds was younger (he's still only 2) but now compared to staying indoors with him all day, dh now actively plans things for us to do at the weekend.

For DH it was a confidence/anxiety thing on his part but he's, more or less over it. He's still more anxious about ds's behaviour in public than I am but he's yet to see a full on public tantrum grin

CognitiveOverload Mon 25-Mar-13 20:45:37

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