I am hoping to hear that it is
I have had an ephinany recently having read around two thirds of "daring to trust" and realised (blindingly obvious statement alert) that my trust issues go right back to my childhood and actually aren't anything to do with specific relationships. I have never trusted (not just in terms of someone actually cheating on me, but in the fact that they love me or even like me).
I have been cheated on in each of the three relationships that I had prior to my current relationship. But it all started, I beleive, when I discovered at 15 that my dad was cheating on my mum with a man. I buried this for years and years (am now 30) but am realising what a profound affect it had on me. I keep having memories of cards he sent to her always writting "Love Always" inside and feeling an overwhelming agony inside that he broke that promise and was potentially misleading her every time that he wrote it. I remember as a child (possibly sensing that something wasn't right) looking inside each card and taking comfort in the words he had written as though they were proof it was true and that our lives were real and secure.
My current partner (5 years in) always presented as trustworthy but eventually back in November after 4 or 5 months of complete coldness he ended our relationship telling me he no longer found me attractive and hadn't for some time. Also telling me that the day before he ended our relationship (knowing he would do so) he met a girl whilst on a night out, took her home and kissed her but didnt have sex purely because he was too drunk. He has since made a complete commitment to being trustworthy, we have had counselling and are much more "honest" about our feelings. He has renounced any kind of untrustworthy behaviour and it is clear to me and everyone else that he had his "chance" to escape but has made a commitment to me. I feel that this should mean I would be able to move on but I just can't.
I don't beleive he would "cheat" but something just won't let me enjoy what we have without questioning it. I feel a lot of the time like I am pretending. Like at any moment I could just break. I am desperate to be married to him, sometimes I feel like that would be the security that I need... but then when I feel that might be a reality, I worry that I am not ready for that kind of commitment as if it ended that heartbreak would be too much.
Sometimes I even think I might sabbotage the relationship by cheating myself. I don't really trust myself not to. Although that is insane because I have never cheated on him or anyone or even come close.. so I've no idea why I think that of myself. Seems my trust issues are so bad I can't even trust myself.
Sorry, I've rambled a bit. If anyone knows if it is possible to get over this and be "normal" I'd appreicate the advice.
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Relationships
Is it possible to overcome deep rooted trust issues?
billingtonssugar · 25/03/2013 13:07
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