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:-(

(183 Posts)
Nevertruetomyself Mon 25-Mar-13 11:39:30

I know that I am going to get flamed here. The only reason I am posting is because I know that something needs to change and I dont know where to start.

I am a regular poster and have changed my name for obvious reasons.

I am divorced. I have 2 teenage children and I have been having an affair with a married man for 2 years.

I am in love with him, he says he is in love with me but I am not stupid, I know that he will never leave his family.

He has many reasons for having an affair which I wont go into, but his wife is a nice person and she does not deserve this. He is never unkind about her, when he talks of her he tells me what a good mother she is and a kind person.

I dont know how to stop. I know that the easy answer is to just 'stop' but I cant, I have tried many, many times but I cant.

Sorry to be blunt, but I need to be honest here. The main reason that I cant stop is because the sex is out of this world. I have never experienced anything like it with anyone else and cant imagine that I will ever again. He makes me feel amazing, I have a very high sex drive and so does he.

It has to end I know it does, but how?

(I know I am a bad person, etc. etc., but telling me that will not help me out of this situation)

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 25-Mar-13 11:42:06

The only way to end it is... just to end it. Only you can do that. Obviously the MM isn't bothered to do that, so it's down to you.

You know the drill - tell him, stop all contact, stick to your guns... easy to say, difficult to do, but that's all there is.

Nevertruetomyself Mon 25-Mar-13 11:47:01

We have done that so many times and then one of us goes back.

I can be strong and end it and then a week later I cave and contact him, or he contacts me.

We have both said that we think the only way it will end is if I meet someone else and I think if that happens I will be strong enough, but I think deep down I am scared of ending something that I 'need' - ie sex!!

KoalaFace Mon 25-Mar-13 11:49:15

I know you say the reason is the sex. But no matter how amazing it is I find it hard to believe that just that would be enough to keep you in an (on the whole) unfulfilling relationship, with a man who will never leave his family and whose wife would no doubt be devastated.

Take a look at yourself. Get support if you need it (friends, counsellor, mind/life coach) and really look at why you are doing this, not only to yourself but to this man's family.

An then make that difficult decision to cut off contact and start your life again. In a way that will make you proud and not ashamed.

venusandmars Mon 25-Mar-13 11:49:23

As long as you are spending your time and energy with him, then you will never know whether there is another person with whom you could be having and even better relationship, and even better sex.

End it. Take time to recover, then go looking for a relationship and fantastic sex with someone who is available, and who can really love you.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 25-Mar-13 11:51:06

Like I said... he's not minded to do this for you. He doesn't love you. You have absolute control of yourself as to whether you contact him or not. Obviously the distress of his wife and his children isn't enough - what about yours? Could you stop this for them? That's real love - what you have for your children, not this liar.

We're not animals and you don't need to have sex with him. Are you really so needy that you can only stop if you have somebody else? Perhaps advertise for a friend with benefits (unattached one)?

annh Mon 25-Mar-13 11:53:59

Think about the alternative if you don't end it - never being able to invite your partner to any family or friend gatherings, never being able to introduce him to your children, never being able to be openly affectionate in public, spending your time together looking over your shoulders wondering if you will be caught out, never having Christmas together, never being the first port of call for him when he has something big going in in his life - then look ahead 10 years and ask yourself how you will feel then? What will you have to show for all the time with him? How will it have affected the rest of your life and your ability to find someone who is free to share their life with you?

SoupDreggon Mon 25-Mar-13 11:54:34

In all honesty, if you are so weak willed you keep going back there is nothing that can be done.

No one can end this for you.
No one can wave a magic wand and finish it.

The only way to end it is for you to stop whining about how you can't give it up.

Nevertruetomyself Mon 25-Mar-13 11:56:16

Sorry if it appears that I am 'whining'

I am also sorry that this isnt what you want to read, I could say nothing at all then you would be none the wiser about what I am doing, but I am doing it and I am asking for advice.

Sorry I am not perfect :-(

Nevertruetomyself Mon 25-Mar-13 11:58:19

annh

Some very good points and they are starting to hit home lately.

From the outside I am a strong, independent woman who most people would presume is happy being single. I dont think I am any more.

annh Mon 25-Mar-13 11:59:03

You are asking for advice and people are giving it, it just isn't what you want to hear. What is going to happen when you are found out - because you will be? How will you cope with the fallout for you, him, his family, your children?

Messandmayhem Mon 25-Mar-13 12:00:34

Right, you have to end it because let's face it, it's unfair to his wife and to you. He however has two women. He's well pleased with the situation.

Go to Ann Summer and buy a vibrator.
Join an online dating site.
Call a friend for a girls night, confide and ask her to help you stay strong.
Change your number or block his.
Remember that there are plenty of guys out there who are good in bed, and that he is not all that special.

Good luck.

Nevertruetomyself Mon 25-Mar-13 12:02:07

You are asking for advice and people are giving it, it just isn't what you want to hear. What is going to happen when you are found out - because you will be? How will you cope with the fallout for you, him, his family, your children?

I agreed with you? I didnt say I didnt want to hear it?

madonnawhore Mon 25-Mar-13 12:02:07

He doesn't love you. He doesn't want to be with you. He wants to have sex with you when it suits him and then go back home to his cosy family life that doesn't involve you.

You're second best. His hobby, if you like.

If the quality of the sex makes all that worth it then you need to have a serious look at your self esteem.

All the while you're rolling over and letting him use you as his leisure activity you're wasting time when you could potentially be meeting someone who's available. And who would be equally good in bed.

Also, it's not that great that you feel you 'need' sex in this way. Do you use it as a form of validation? No matter how good the sex is, if someone's treating us like shit we should be able to protect ourselves and walk away. He isn't treating you nicely at all. He's stopping you from living your life fully, while making sure he gets what he wants. Asshole.

And by the way, I've had mind blowing sex with lots of different men over the years. He's definitely not the only one.

BicBiro Mon 25-Mar-13 12:02:42

the thing is OP, no one here can help you unless you start to identify how to help yourself. no one is going to say its okay to carry on, because even apart from the moral issue, you are obviously struggling with it or you wouldn't be posting.

what can you think of that would begin to help yourself out if this? what would you like to happen? tell us that and maybe then we can help you.

SoupDreggon Mon 25-Mar-13 12:03:02

Sorry if what I said isn't what you want to read. hmm

All you say is "I can't! I can't! I can't" That is whining.

The only way to end it is so STOP. Only you can do this. You already know it's wrong - there's not really a lot to be said is there?

No one is perfect and I never said they were.

"He is never unkind about her," Yes he is. He is shagging you. That's pretty unkind isn't it?

TanteRose Mon 25-Mar-13 12:05:13

agree - he is being a complete and utter bastard to his wife

he is using you

have some self-respect and leave him

Nevertruetomyself Mon 25-Mar-13 12:08:01

*Right, you have to end it because let's face it, it's unfair to his wife and to you. He however has two women. He's well pleased with the situation.

Go to Ann Summer and buy a vibrator.
Join an online dating site.
Call a friend for a girls night, confide and ask her to help you stay strong.
Change your number or block his.
Remember that there are plenty of guys out there who are good in bed, and that he is not all that special.

Good luck. *

Thanks :-)

I own everything Ann Summers has ever made, plus Bandora and all the rest of them, nothing can replace a human body unfortunately

Tried online dating it was disasterous

I have confided in one friend and she has been very good, however she has her own problems and I cant tell anyone else in RL

Changing the number wont work we both need ours numbers for work, could block but then I end up unblocking 'just in case'

Before I was married and since my divorce I have been very sexually adventurous and I have NEVER found anyone that I have the spark with like this man unfortunetly :-(

I am not trying to swipe away your suggestions, just trying to show how hard it is, I really really have tried :-(

NinaHeart Mon 25-Mar-13 12:10:02

Please stop it now. no good will ever come of it.
You (and only you) can choose to be lonely with him or lonely without him - but with your self esteem intact and the possibility of moving on.

WinkyWinkola Mon 25-Mar-13 12:10:40

There is nothing anybody can say really.

You're not going to stop so shag on.

Hope it's all worth it.

Nevertruetomyself Mon 25-Mar-13 12:11:03

*the thing is OP, no one here can help you unless you start to identify how to help yourself. no one is going to say its okay to carry on, because even apart from the moral issue, you are obviously struggling with it or you wouldn't be posting.

what can you think of that would begin to help yourself out if this? what would you like to happen? tell us that and maybe then we can help you*

I would like to be able to have a relationship with someone just like him but one where nobody gets hurt.

He isnt 'using' me any more than I am 'using' him, I have to say that.

NinaHeart Mon 25-Mar-13 12:12:21

To all suggestions you are being a "yes butter".
"I could do this but...." Always a reason why you can't do it.

I think you don't want to leave him and no amount of persuasive arguments from MNers will validate the view you want to hear.

you haven't tried hard enough. you need to take control of yourself. You are not a teenager but a woman who knows full well what will happen when the fall out happens.

You have to learn that you need to stop trying to ruin his wife, because that is what you are doing.

VanitasVanitatum Mon 25-Mar-13 12:13:48

Try reading some of the threads on here by women who's partners cheat. Maybe the depth of their pain might give you the strength to not cave and contact him. Try and think how you'd feel about the ow if this was your mum/sister being cheated on. Find a friend who's dad cheated/left for another woman and ask how it affected them. You somehow need to make the pain you are risking causing this family a reality for yourself, because if he gets caught there is absolutely no going back on that, you have broken hearts that no amount of great service is worth, believe me.

VanitasVanitatum Mon 25-Mar-13 12:14:44

Ggarrh spell check - sex not service. Think my phone is a prude it doesn't acknowledge that word..

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