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(304 Posts)
Worried73 Sun 24-Mar-13 12:40:16

Hi. I've been with my fiancée for 5 years and we're getting married in August. We have the odd argument but get on well generally and I love him very much and he appears to love me a lot too.

We stopped off at the shop today and I stayed in the car while he went in. I wanted to have a quick look at the Internet on his phone and opened up the browser to find the login page for Adultwork. I couldn't find out how to look at the Internet history before he came out.

When he came out I said 'look at what your Internet opened up to' and he said his apprentice had been mucking about with it on Friday as they had been working near a house and they thought the woman in there may have been a prostitute and he (the apprentice) was looking to see if she was on it.

I dropped him off where he was meant to be and now I don't know what to do.

I've had no reason to think he was up to anything, we have a healthy sex life, lots of love, lots of respect. He always leaves his phone lying about at home with me when he could take it with him so appears to be totally transparent. Feel upset but not sure there's anything in it.

What do I do?

Worried73 Sun 24-Mar-13 13:48:22


Sallyingforth Sun 24-Mar-13 13:50:14

Good luck Worried. I do hope you can sort this.

EllaFitzgerald Sun 24-Mar-13 13:51:23

Why didn't the apprentice use his own phone?

Worried73 Sun 24-Mar-13 13:53:35

Does anyone know how the payments are processed on Adultwork? I have access to his bank accounts, he doesn't have a credit card only debit cards for his accounts and he can't use his PayPal as we need to re-verify his account and have done for months.

Can you pay cash once you're there?

Even assuming that it was the partner rather than the apprentice that looked at the site, all you've got so far is that he looked at something on the internet. You say he's normally very open and relaxed about his phone/computer use, and you mention nothing else suspicious about his behaviour.
Are you very opposed to porn and the sex industry, OP, and have you made this clear to him ie that looking at porn or sex websites is a dealbreaker? A percentage of men will look at sites like Adultworker as a wank fantasy, they have no intention of paying for actual sex. If you feel very strongly about the whole adult industry but you haven't, yet, explained to him that you don't want him to look at porn, then you need to have the discussion with him as different people have different opinions on the subject. But right now I don't think there is enough evidence to be sure that he is having or seeking sex with other people.

Worried73 Sun 24-Mar-13 13:56:26

I'd did think that Ella - don't know if he has Internet connectivity on his, it's not a contract (although I know you can still get Internet on PAYG). The apprentice has an iPhone (I sold him my old one) and it isn't the quickest for browsing. My fiance's phone is the Galaxy Note with a much bigger screen hmm

I really don't know, just thinking out loud.

Sex workers take cash payments. Not many take credit cards. But I think you are going awfully far, awfully fast here. I notice that you had a previous partner who had sex with other women behind your back and it's possible that you are overreacting here. You do seem to have jumped straight to Defcon One on very slight evidence, and once you start digging around in his bank account, then the trust in the relationship is in a bit of a mess. If he turns out to have done nothing wrong, then he might decide that he can't live with a jealous, paranoid snoop. Talk to him.

madeofstone Sun 24-Mar-13 13:57:16

As a man, who works on building sites. This is very believable, I am very sorry to point out when men get together we are very very childish. Immature even it isn't cool or clever, just a fact. I know of adultwork it is discussed at length on site, never used it or even visited it. I am not mysoginist [sp] but always honest. If he gave youthat response very matter of fact my experience would say he is being honest.

Worried73 Sun 24-Mar-13 13:59:55

Thanks SGB - I am not opposed to porn and we've watched it together..

But I would object to him looking at this site. I suspect they have been looking at it for titillation. I would imagine lots of men do. When he talked about how many sex workers were in our town previously it was very open and in an almost giggly way.

I do hope he hasn't paid for anything because that'll be that.

Sallyingforth Sun 24-Mar-13 14:00:18

when men get together we are very very childish
Well that's true at least!

JulieMumsnet (MNHQ) Sun 24-Mar-13 14:03:53


A huge thanks to those who have contacted us about this thread. There is nothing to suggest that the OP isn't genuine and in need of some advice.

We hope you manage to get this sorted, worried73.

Worried73 Sun 24-Mar-13 14:04:02

Thanks madeofstone - he's a roofer and what you've said fits in exactly with my previous impression of what they're all like with this type of thing.

I was really shocked to open up his Internet and see it there however.

I also don't believe he's misogynistic - he's never acted with anything other other than total respect to me and any other women he knows. But they do all seem a bit childish about stuff like this.

I hope that's all it is. He doesn't use his Internet on his phone very much at all at the weekend, he uses his iPad if he's about the house. He uses his phone for Internet while he's at work.

madeofstone Sun 24-Mar-13 14:05:09

We are, doesn't make us bad, or evil incarnate. Excuses shouldn't be made for it either, just the realisation that we are. I can remember DJing at ladies high horses and moral high ground should not be claimed by either party!! blush

Worried73 Sun 24-Mar-13 14:06:08

Thanks Julie

Why would anyone contact MN about this thread? I've seen Adultwork that's before where the OP has been accused of advertising for MN! Is this what some of you think?

Sorry, this is real and I should have mentioned at the beginning that I've NCd - I just forgot to as my mind is on other things!

JulieMumsnet (MNHQ) Sun 24-Mar-13 14:10:46


Thanks Julie

Why would anyone contact MN about this thread? I've seen Adultwork that's before where the OP has been accused of advertising for MN! Is this what some of you think?

Sorry, this is real and I should have mentioned at the beginning that I've NCd - I just forgot to as my mind is on other things!

Hi Worried. We do get a lot of threads on here and people can be suspicious, especially if the thread is of a sensitive nature. We're happy to drop you an email if this will help?

Worried73 Sun 24-Mar-13 14:11:12

Thanks SGB - he was with me while I was extricating myself from the despicable ex and saw what I went through and I thought he was different. You're right - deep down I think almost every man would do it if they thought they could get away with it. It's my experience.

Thought this relationship was built on trust and honesty and had no reason at all to doubt it was until this. Feel very sad.

Worried73 Sun 24-Mar-13 14:11:46

Yes please Julia, thank you.

flurp Sun 24-Mar-13 14:14:19

Trusting lot on here aren't you?
My DP is in the building trade and its true some men are like schoolboys when they are all together on a building site - especially younger guys!
Keep your eyes open OP but I think it sounds plausible so far.

Worried73 Sun 24-Mar-13 14:17:09

Thanks madeofstone Ladies Night made me giggle!

I don't like the idea of them looking at women like they're pieces meat but I know that it goes on.

madeofstone Sun 24-Mar-13 14:27:16

Worried, neither do I. I am very uncomfortable with anyone who sees women as such.

Sallyingforth Sun 24-Mar-13 14:28:35

Sometimes we can be too suspicious, but your past experience I can understand your caution.
he was with me while I was extricating myself from the despicable ex. Knowing this he would have to be a real bastard to be cheating on you now, and if he was like that surely you would have had some sort of clue in the past five years?
It's going to be in your mind though and I think you do need to talk to clear the air. You don't need to accuse him of anything, when you have time together just say how shocked you were to see that on the phone. He will have to say something more about it.

Worried73 Sun 24-Mar-13 14:34:18

Thank you so much Sally - the torture my ex put me through was unbelievable. It was a complete head fuck. I lost my whole life because of him.

My fiancé has been nothing but loving, supportive and respectful. And 100% honest as far as I know up until now. He takes pride in being honest and upfront. If I push him on this too much (demand to see history etc) it could be very damaging if he's done nothing wrong. I don't want to damage us - he's been so good to me.

Sallyingforth Sun 24-Mar-13 14:47:18

No I don't think you should demand to see the history.
Just say that you were shocked at the page (and since you really were, he will see it in your face). If he's the man you have described here it will be enough for him to open up and explain more about the phone.
There are some good guys about and I really hope you have found one.
Good luck!

badinage Sun 24-Mar-13 16:35:47

What's amazed me about this thread is the casual acceptance that two men feel entitled to summise that a woman going about her everyday business is a prostitute and to look her up on this site.

Of course I think this is a lie, but if you take him at his word, why wouldn't you have expected him to tell his grotty apprentice to leave this woman alone and if he wanted to stalk her, to use his own bloody phone? angry

ParmaViolette Sun 24-Mar-13 16:46:57

Can you pop into his work when the apprentice is there, and say something in a boys will be boys way about looking up customers on Adultwork.

If the apprentice has genuinely no idea what you're on about (not an embarrassed shuffling 'what?' that would support you partners story) then that will tell you what you need to know. As will your DP's face.

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