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mum is here: 1rst day

(14 Posts)
zippey Wed 27-Mar-13 21:25:19

Im really glad that you have turned your life around after what was a distressing childhood, and I hope you can provide the goodness and love you never recieved, to your children. Looking at your children now you probably wonder how anyone could do what they did to you when you were a child. Its just monstrous. Looking at your children you'll also wonder how your mother could be so complicit when she knew what was going on.

I dont agree in telling you what to do, you'll know yourself what the best solution is for yourself. Report, dont report, cut out family, dont cut them out. I dont know the best solution. I would veer towards, maybe not reporting but being honest about your childhood to people. Like you say, its not your fault, you didnt choose to be abused. If you do go down this route, or that of reporting, I would try and have some evidence, like a secret recording or correspondance, as if they deny, it will be your word against theirs.

Its such a sad story, a parents worst nightmare, to see what should be a time of innocence and discovery turned into one of a nightmare. Im so glad you are out and can look back with sadness but also with strength and I have nothing but admiration for you.

KoalaFace Wed 27-Mar-13 17:45:10

Sylvia I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

Your mother sounds like she does not (or ever has had) your best interests at heart and as a child you deserved to be protected. She did not do this and I hope you find the strength to cut her out of your life so that you can concentrate your focus on your own lovely family.

As for your brother, he may have been a victim in his own way but what he did to you is inexcusable and he may be a danger to his own children. I hope you manage to keep him out of your life as well.

You have been through so much with so little support, would you consider seeking some support now? Counselling to explore your feelings and decide what is best for your future.

I'm just apalled at what has happened to you within the family that should have protected and cared for you.

Bakingnovice Wed 27-Mar-13 17:38:21

You've had a hard life but well done for raising a family and trying to move on. However, your feelings for your brother seem very confused. He IS to blame. He is a paedophile. At age 12 boys know that it is not ok to have sex with a 5 year old. He is not a victim. Unless he was abused by someone aswell? In which case it's a little more complicated, but what he did to you is still wrong.

I agree with others who have said that you should think about cutting all contact with these people.

riskit4abiskit Wed 27-Mar-13 17:24:25

this is a terribly sad story (nearly crying for you here).

I agree with the other posters who say you should have nothing to do with your mum -she certainly knew and condoned what was happening.

your brother IS a danger to his daughters, well done you for reporting him.

I think some of your sympathy towards your brother may be misplaced, as 7 years between you as children is a world away from each other in terms of understanding and actions.

if I were you I would avoid the both mum and brother, but that's easy for me to say.

you sound so very brave and i'm glad you have your own lovely family.

syl1985 Wed 27-Mar-13 13:31:34

Thanks for all the responses.

When I wrote the first message I was so furious.
Turned out that my brother only called my mother just for a chat about the work I did. He feels bad about everything that has happened and he feels bad about all the things that happened to me because of my abusive youth.

He feels responsible for it, because he also touched me. But I told him that it's not his fault.
Between me and him it all started when I was around 5 years of age. We were put together in one bed. Every night we slept together. Why did my parents do that? I don't know. We had space enough in the house for everyone to have his/her own room and their own bed.

A clear message that he got in his youth was that girls are for sex and are less then man. I got the message that I was good enough for sex and that's it.

He was 7 years older then me. I was 5 and he was 12 years of age. When I was 9 I started to have my periods. But the abuse continued till I was 12 years of age.
So I've been extremely lucky that I didn't got a child from him.

My periods were very irregular and some were really painful. I'm wondering if those really painful periods weren't miscarriages?
Sometimes I had my periods very close to each other and sometimes it took about 2 or 3 months before I got one.

My brother didn't told anything to anyone else. I've had therapy, but on moments like this all the pain. anger. Just all kinds of emotions come back up. He didn't look for help, out of fear that people might see him as the bad person instead of understanding the situation that he has been brought up in.

He told me that he calls our mother from time to time to talk about the past. He has got more problems with it then I ever had. Now that we talked I do feel bad for him.
I can talk about my past. I'm not happy with it, but not ashamed either. I didn't ask for an abusive past. None of it is my fault.

But he can't talk. What if people don't see him as a victim. That's his fear. Or people don't believe him. The stuff we had to suffer are sometimes so weird and extreme that I do understand it if people think that what I say is to over the top that it can't be true.

I wish so too, but I lived in a nightmare as a child.
But as a child I didn't know that. I didn't know in how much danger and how wrong my parents were. I didn't realize how emotionally scared they made me. What kind of life there was waiting for me when I turned 18.

I just wanted to get out of the house and have my own life. For that you need money. But with no qualifications I wasn't able to get and keep a good job that could pay for the bills.

I was very very lost at that time.

As a child you've no choice in what happens to you. Also you've no clear understanding of the severity of the abuse or the impact it'll have on your life.
I had difficulties with making friends at school. I was being bullied. All I wanted was to get out of there asap. Instead of biting my teeth and getting my papers.

Thankfully that's now all behind me. I've a good life now and my kids are well and happy.

moonabove Sat 23-Mar-13 20:47:12

Tell her to go now. She's no good to you or your real family, only causes you more suffering - cut her out of your life. You still have time to report the abuse to the police in Holland but you need to decide what you want - try to move on with your life or seek justice through the courts.

I'm so glad you found a decent man and you have a loving family to replace the corrupt one you grew up in. xx

DixieD Sat 23-Mar-13 20:46:24

I am sorry for what you went through, and for what you are still going through because of your family's horrible actions. flowers

DixieD Sat 23-Mar-13 20:44:33

Get your mother and brother out of your life. Start by telling her to leave now. You don't need to put up with her for 4 more days.

If I understood you, your brother abused you while he was between ages of 16 and 19. He was not a child.

Report your concerns again about your nieces. Go get counselling for yourself. You have been terribly abused, you have built a good life for yourself. You don't owe them anything.

Doha Sat 23-Mar-13 20:43:35

Send your mother home now and tell her not to come back.

NervyWervy Sat 23-Mar-13 20:15:14

Also if you're looking for lots of replies it may help to get your title changed as it doesn't really reflect your post.

NervyWervy Sat 23-Mar-13 20:14:05

Bloody Hell! That is truly shocking. Have you had counselling to help you through this?both your brother and mother sound vile. I agree that he surely does pose a threat to his daughters.
i have no idea what to advice but Im bumping for you.

FarBetterNow Sat 23-Mar-13 20:02:11

I have no idea what to say to you really.

You have a good life now with your husband and children, maybe you need to think if you want your Mum and brother in your life any more.

Would counselling help?

Best wishes to you.

AnastasiaBieverhausen Sat 23-Mar-13 19:29:51

shock

Um.

I don't know where to start with this. But I dont want to leave you unanswered.

Do you feel able to report the abuse to the police? Your mother sounds absolutely complicit in this abuse, by the way. And I woudl absolutely think your brother (he's not a victim, by the way, he was seven years older than you, he is a peadophile) is a risk to his daughters.

And I think you need to go and seek some counselling for this. And then never speak to any of them again.

syl1985 Sat 23-Mar-13 19:18:29

Afcourse we managed to get into an argument on the first day of her visit.

You NEVER guess what kind of an argument.

Like I said in an earlier post.
I've been sexually abused.

Like many woman with this kind of past. I also have been working in the adult industry. I'm not proud on that!!!!
But if you learned as a child that sex is what you're good at. Having no support with finishing your school. Then leaving school with no papers and find out that it's hard to find an ok job.
Then when I turned 18 the step into doing that what I was taught that I was good at... That was an easy step to take.

I'm very proud on my family and that with the past I've had I managed to get a normal life. Three healthy children and one on it's way.
A nice house, good marriage and although we're not rich we've got enough money to pay our bills and do what we want to do.

What did I just hear!!!!
My 'mother' just told me that my brother has been telling my family that I've been working in the adult industry?!?!?!?

First of all how the hell does he get's it into his freaky mind to say that to everyone?!?!?
Second: My mum just told me this. Instead of telling me immediately when she found out that he's been telling this to everyone.

I was just exploding!!!!
Why didn't you told me this when you found out?
Her answer: Because you never asked...

I didn't ask for it this time either. It's not something I was expected that my brother would do to me. I asked questions about her abusive boyfriend and she was not giving me any answers. Then she broke and out of the blue she started to tell this.

My family lives in Holland. I don't know about the English rules, but in Holland you can go to the police for to report abuse that has happened in your past until you're 30 years of age.
I'm only 27 now and I'll be 28 this year.

I still can report everyone.
Well almost everyone, because my father died when I was 9.
My brother who is 7 years older then me also sexually abused me. We had sex and mostly it wasn't against my will. But sometimes it was.

It was something that I thought was normal when I was a child.
Then I got older and he got girlfriends. We had sex every week. We're so much together. We had more a boyfriend/girlfriend kind of relationship then a brother/sister one.

But when he had someone else I just didn't matter to him anymore. He didn't spend any time with me and we didn't had any sex. That has hurt me so much. Every single time and when they broke up I was good enough for him again.

In my family I was never good enough. I was never treated with respect. For example birthdays:
If my brother had his birthday or another celebration everyone came. With me... some people came, but that was it. I remember a number of times that my entire family just forgot about my birthday. That hurts, but as a child you think it's all normal. Although it hurts like hell.
I thought I was stupid and not important enough. So people were not interested in me unless I had sex with them.
Also my nephew has touched me in my teenage years. It was all normal for me. Unpleasant, but normal.
I also had a lot of boyfriends in my teenage years.

I never was allowed to say anything to anyone. Because if I did terrible things would happen to me.
My mum know all about this. She told me never to say anything or they'd take me out of the house and that would be worse for me.

Now she just told me she always tried to protect me. She also questioned the seriousness about the abuse that I've suffered.
I was like: WHAT!!! After all these years she still pretends to protect me or be there for me, but she sooo isn't. Because even if I only once had sex with my father or my brother. That one time would be bad enough.

My dad should have kept his paws off me. They shouldn't have put me in the same bed as my brother.
Why? I don't know. But first I slept in my parents bedroom then I had to go and sleep with my brother in the same bed.

She pretended this time not to know anything about what has happened.
Then she said this:
What happened with you and your brother? You say you've been sexually abused, but you never say what has happened.

Me:
We've had sex. I was 9 when my periods started. I was 12 when he found his wife and the abuse stopped.
I could have been pregnant with my very own brother. My periods were very irregular. Sometimes they stayed away for a long time and then I had a very painful period.
It could have been that I had a miscarriage at that moment.
It's possible that in those last 3 years that I had sex with my own brother that I have been pregnant with him.

Mother:
That's why I went to the doctor.

Me:
So you know about it?!?

Then she changed to a different subject.
She sure know about it. Why else wasn't I allowed to say anything to anyone about it. In my youth a number of times did my school call the social services, because they always thought something was wrong at my place, but they never were able to prove it.

Another thing my mum said:
Wasn't it better for you to stay at home? Didn't we do the right thing by keeping you out of hands of the social workers?

My replay:
I don't know what would have been the best thing to do as I don't know how life would have been like if they took me out of the house.
But if I could turn back time, The moment I'm able to I'd walk to the police station (that was 2 streets away from us) and tell them all that went on in the house and made sure they got me out of there.

I tried to call my brother to ask him if he's been telling everyone about my past.
But no answer. I'll try again. It might have been that it's my mum who tells it to everyone. Wouldn't be the first time that she's lying.

I never went with this to the police or told others what has happened to me. I just wanted to leave it behind me and go on with my life.
Why would anyone talk like that about my past to others?

I left my home when I was 18 years of age.
The abuse always has followed me. For some reason they still think it's ok and allowed to treat me like this. To talk like this behind my back.
It makes me so furious. I'm sure they'd tell about my work.
But not about the sexual abuse I suffered as a child.

Instead of being proud and happy for me for the life that I've now.
They still somehow feel the need to hurt me in any way they can.

How does my mum thinks I should respond?
By just forgetting about it. Just leave it and ignore my brother.

I absolutely will NOT forget about this. I'm happy that she told me, although she should have said it to me immediately and tell my brother that what he does is so wrong and evil. And that he got to watch out because he has got some ghosts in his past as well.
I'm a victim. He was also a victim as he was a child. But being 7 years older he should have known what he did was wrong.

He has got 2 daughters. I've reported him to the social service in Holland, but they we're not going to investigate the safety of the girls. Because this has happened in the past and he was also a child at that time.
I'll call them again and make sure they do have a look at their safety.
A normal person would feel terrible and sorry about such a past.

Then you're not going to tell others what happened a long time ago. Then you'll tell them how happy you're for your sister that things are going so well for her.

Thanks for reading this story.

ppfff, 4 more days to go with my mother in my house. Unless I send her home earlier.

Sylvia

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