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Am I being a mug - supporting him when he won't support me?

(268 Posts)
Amykins35 Sat 23-Mar-13 16:16:48

Hi, it's my first time here. Haven't got anyone to discuss this with and would appreciate some perspectives. It's complicated, but will try not to make it too long though you're welcome to ask anything you feel I've missed.
DP and I have been together for 4 years. I had a 2.5 year old when we met, we now have a 14 month old together. We were planning to move in together when I was pregnant as that's when our contracts on respective properties ran out. However, some extra debts from his marriage came to light and we couldn't afford to do so. When his contract ran out he moved into a room in a friends house which he doesn't pay for. He comes to visit for tea on work nights then sleeps at his friends, on nights off (generally 3 per week) he eats and sleeps here. He doesn't pay anything towards rent, food or bills here though he does pay maintenance towards our baby - though that's partly to reduce the CSA payment for his children from his marriage I suspect. All his money (around 40k salary) is going into paying off his debts.
He says that if he's being honest it'll be at least another 1.5/2 years before he can afford to move in with us. He would then like us to have another baby. I said that I wouldn't like a baby if I couldn't stay home with them for at least the first three years (personal preference) and he said that in that case we wouldn't be able to have another one as 'his wages wouldn't be enough to support us.' At the moment I do and pay for everything and think I'm being a mug for effectively supporting him to clear his debts when he isn't willing to support me in the future. Having another child isn't essential for me but it irritates me that I have far less money than 40k p/a yet it's ok for me to support him but he wouldn't do it for me.
Also, it's gone from having a baby together in a loving committed relationship where we were moving in together to him not living with us until our child is potentially almost 3.5 years old. Not to mention the fact this isn't good for either child, it means I do absolutely everything for them. I work from home and am also studying for a degree. Next year is my final year when I'll be doing my dissertation which is obviously a huge piece of work. Another student that's doing it this year said she's been in the library 4 days per week from 10am-11pm since September and still not finished. Youngest DD is difficult at night - she will only sleep if latched on so doing my university work is proving impossible. When I told DP how much work is involved next year he said he'd 'tell his mum to get DVD player fired up to entertain DD.' I just felt like screaming at him that it isn't his mums responsibility to have our DD (never mind the fact she never has, never offered and lives 1.5 hours away) that if he lived with us then he could do what normal partners do and help with the kids at night so I can work then. He's just done some work based exams which he got to study for every night interruption free as I have the kids yet I feel I could well fail the degree which I've invested my savings in and that is essential for my future career and for me to be able to provide for the kids. Not only that but if we reach the day where he moves in then things won't get easier for me as he won't know what to do with the kids/they'll want me.
I'm aware I'm ranting now so I'll stop there! Am I wrong to be feeling utterly pissed off at the situation?

TheCrackFox Sat 23-Mar-13 17:15:22

Realistically how long will his friend let him live there rent free? Most friends would offer 4/6 weeks not a couple of years.

Frankly his story does not add up. He sees you as nothing more than a slightly complicated booty call.

I don't think its' horrible.

DP goes skiing every year. I can't afford it (or don't want to waste that much money on that kind of holiday) so I don't go. When DS is older DP will take him with him, and pay for him, I wouldn't expect him to pay for me, I could go but would rahter spend my money on other tihngs.

He can afford to go on holiday with you, he earns £40k and pays no rent or bills.

He wants another baby! shock What a dick. How many children does he have that he is not actually really supporting?

Why has the family home not been sold as part of his divorce settlement?

Yes, you are a mug.

Lueji Sat 23-Mar-13 17:16:06

He isn't there regularly because he chooses not to be!!!

Not that you'd want him to.

If/ when he moves in you'll still do everything and pay for everything.
He's not showing any kind of commitment to you or his child.
Going to events and not paying is a walk in the park. He looks good, and nothing for you.

How much is this holiday that it would mean longer till he moves in?

Come on, I don't buy that at all!

If it was that much you wouldn't be able to afford it either.

Amykins35 Sat 23-Mar-13 17:16:43

Rent is the same whether he lodges here or not. Feeding him doesn't cost much but agreed it shouldn't be my responsibility.

kalidanger Sat 23-Mar-13 17:17:10

If hecearns £40k he takes home £2.5k a month. He's taking you for a ride and it doesn't even sound like you're a family tbh. He's just some bloke who pops over for dinner and a shag thrice a week. That's IT. Nothing else. Not one single solitary other gain for you, your DC and your household. And minimum CSA..? That's what is paid when the family has split, right? And the RP does, and pays for, everything else? And your friends and family think you all live together??

What the fuck are you doing, darling? Stop listening to what he says a d start looking at what he does

You don't even know if he'll stick around long enough to move in with you, so you should be getting the money he owes you off him now!

expatinscotland Sat 23-Mar-13 17:18:12

'He'd pay for it if I asked, but then it'd mean longer til he moves in which isn't better for the kids or me.'

You shouldn't have to ask. I'd be ashamed to have even a friend pay for holiday for me and my not contribute. Most people would. He uses the excuse that it'll be longer till he moves in to spin out freeloading off you. It's one of the oldest tricks in the book. And he's doing you a favour by not moving in.

You could well end up not getting your degree at all at this rate.

Lueji Sat 23-Mar-13 17:18:36

He'd pay for it if I asked, but then it'd mean longer til he moves in which isn't better for the kids or me.

I wonder if it would really be better for your family.
He's holding you ransom for the hope that he'll move in, and he'll be a proper partner and dad.

He won't.

If he lived with you he would have to contribute to the rent, so the rent would be less for you!

Amykins35 Sat 23-Mar-13 17:20:14

I don't have family and friends, his friends and extended family presume we live together - only his parents know we don't.

Lucyellensmum95 Sat 23-Mar-13 17:22:05

So what exactly DOES he do for you? Im struggling to see what you are getting from this?

Amykins35 Sat 23-Mar-13 17:22:12

And if he contributes to the rent it'd mean it'd take longer to pay off debts which would then increase due to interest...

butterfingerz Sat 23-Mar-13 17:22:22

How much does he owe, you say the 'debts' came to light, so did you see for yourself?

Even with repaying his debts, I don't see why he can't
1) Offer his friend rent, really, whats the going rate for a room in a house, not much.
2) Give you money for food, housekeeping whilst he eating tea there and staying over the weekend. Does he ever treat the kids to an ice cream or maccy ds when hes over?
3) Pay his share of the holiday.

Really on 40k, doing those things will not really make a dent in his plans to pay off his debt will it?

Not only that, a lot of us have debts of some sort, but day to day expenditure such as bills, children, food have to continue. How fortunate he can opt out of all his responsibilities on the back of other people.

expatinscotland Sat 23-Mar-13 17:22:37

Why does he hide his living arrangements from his friends and other family? I think I know!

TheSilveryPussycat Sat 23-Mar-13 17:22:51

So he has thousands of pounds of debts. His business. Not your job, therefore, to subsidise his food, shelter and holidays. It is for him to pay for these things.

Cocklodger.
(And I know of what I speak)

Lueji Sat 23-Mar-13 17:23:10

I think that's the problem.
You have no one else and are holding on to him for company.

But you could be making friends, and finding a loving and respectful partner.

Amykins35 Sat 23-Mar-13 17:23:21

(I'm not defending him, just demonstrating the -albeit logical -arguments against the obvious which I can't help but consider)

He does not want to live with you. Face it.

He could live with you rent free could he not? And as he has to eat when lodging with his friend, he could contribute to the food budget at yours. He is opting not to. You need to focus on why that is.

expatinscotland Sat 23-Mar-13 17:23:58

'And if he contributes to the rent it'd mean it'd take longer to pay off debts which would then increase due to interest... '

And? Their his debts. He could get on an IVA or payment plan. He choses not to. Don't you get it? The move in is the little carrot he dangles before you.

How many kids does this guy have, anyhow?

moondog Sat 23-Mar-13 17:24:43

As long as women continue to have children with substandard men they will, sadly always be with us.
What is wrong with you Amy? Wake up. He's a prize prick.

'Denial isn't just a river in Egypt.'
Expat, you have excelled yourself here.
i think you should be MN's official tough love agony aunt

MajaBiene Sat 23-Mar-13 17:25:49

Even if it takes him a bit longer to pay off his debts, surely in the long run it is better for him to live with you in your final year so he can take over 50+% of the childcare and you can go to the library every night to study?

I mean, in the long term you failing your degree is going to cost you more than the interest on his loans in terms of your loss of your savings and your potential earnings as a teacher.

tiredlady Sat 23-Mar-13 17:26:00

OP
Listen to what people are telling you here.
This man is taking you for ride.
Keep on trying to justify what he does if you like, but it will make no difference.
You have a choice in this relationship.
Start laying down some rules and see what happens. If he continues to act like a twat then you have the choice to stay and put up with this shit or you could leave.
Sorry if that sounds unsympathetic, I don't mean it to be, but Christ, the longer i am on MN the more astounded I get at some men's utter cuntishness and at some women's capacity to put up with their behaviour.
Good luck

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