My H had an affair in 2011. Was going on about 3 months before he told me, then he spent months deciding who he wanted I was in complete shock and wanted to stay together (had just got married) but found some dignity after a few weeks and threw him out.
He later decided he wanted me, not her and has spent the time since trying to win me back. We're not 100% there but we do have a 9 month old ds (conceived during the seperation in a moment of madness after he attempted suicide) and he has honestly become a changed man, is so remorseful, has shocked me by being the best father I've ever known and is very good to me.
I'm not sure how I feel about him, though. A big part of us is destroyed. Although the man he is now is perfect, I am constantly thinking about her and the way he treated me in the initial aftermath. Because we have ds things are complicated (it would be long over were it not for him) and I cannot classify what we are or where we're going. I'm starting counselling alone next week to help with this (we tried Relate, it was wank).
I contacted the OW when I decided things were over back in 2011. I rang and told her she was an 'unpleasant specimen who was entirely welcome to him'. She didn't talk back, just sobbed. From what I've gathered she was totally in love with him, thought it was some great star-crossed lover thing
Now, I just can't stop thinking about her. I completely subscribe to the fact that it was him that did me wrong and she owed me nothing but but but...I just want her to feel bad. TBH I doubt my marriage will ever recover, my feelings about love and sex are completely dysfunctional and I'm just heartbroken. I just want her to know that. I've never met her and H has had no contact since 2011 but I just imagine she's gone back to her normal life and I just want her to know the damage she was complicit in.
I was thinking of writing a letter just outlining how her actions have affected the 3 of us. I KNOW it's really H's fault but he has apologised and is trying to put things right and he isn't happy, the guilt and the repercussions nearly literally killed him. I just want to spread the misery and remind her of consequences. It won't achieve anything apart from make me feel a bit better. I want to hurt her a bit in a concise and pithy way. I also want to rub it in that H still loves me and we have a child now just to be spiteful.
I probably shouldn't, should I or would it be cathartic to put accross my side of the story calmly to her?
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Probably need to be talked out of doing this; contacting the OW
YouMakeMeWannaLaLa · 23/03/2013 15:18
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