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advice needed my wife has been having an affair

(77 Posts)
daddyspence Sat 23-Mar-13 14:09:34

hi all

seem silly posting on here but didnt know what else to do. Last night my wife admitted to having an affair with her boss. It has been going on for months. We have an 18 year old son who is my world.

she says she wants to leave but i dont want to be apart from my son. I feel like my world has been ripped apart and i dont know what to do. Please help

izzyizin Sat 23-Mar-13 14:17:43

Why would you have to be apart from your son if your wife leaves you?

At 18, he's an adult and has the right to choose which of you he lives with or to split his time equally between both of you or not, as the case may be.

But surely your ds isn't far off leaving the nest? Is he working or does he have plans to go to university?

daddyspence Sat 23-Mar-13 14:19:55

sorry i was typing in such a rush i made a mistake its 18 month old son

scaevola Sat 23-Mar-13 14:23:15

The discovery of an affair is a crisis, and it is best to try to avoid taking big decisions in the immediate aftermath. But you are right, you need to make plans and to do that, you need time and space to think. It may well be worth asking her to leave so that you can do this.

Is your DS in his A level year?

Do you have RL friends and family you can confide in?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 23-Mar-13 14:23:34

Get some RL support from friends and family because you're going to need it. Also make it a priority to get legal advice. Sorry you've had such a nasty shock but you do have rights as a husband and as the father of your child. The norm these days is 50/50 care arrangements but obviously, you'll have to accept that some of your time will be apart from your DS, same as your STBXW.

Good luck

scaevola Sat 23-Mar-13 14:23:40

Sorry - crossed with your last about age of DS.

daddyspence Sat 23-Mar-13 14:25:23

we moved away from where we grew up due to her job the affair must of started not long after we got here so i dont really know many people but again my son is 18 months old and not 18 years, shouldnt of tried to type in such a rush

tessa6 Sat 23-Mar-13 14:26:36

I'm so so sorry. This is heartbreaking. Demand to know the whole truth about the situation, only then can you make the decision about how to go forwards. It's too tempting to brush it under the carpet and get further hurt and more time wasted. You won't lose your son whatever happens. You can still be a great dad.

scaevola Sat 23-Mar-13 14:28:10

Are you both working? If so, how does the childcare work? If you are primary carer, then a start point would be continuity for DS.

It really might be best if you separated, temporarily at least, but it is (probably) in DS's interests to stay in a familiar house.

daddyspence Sat 23-Mar-13 14:29:48

thanks tessa

all we did was talk last night after she told me. She says shes in love her boss and wants to be with him. I cant forgive or forget in this situation. It might of been different if its a one night stand.

I feel like an idiot.

daddyspence Sat 23-Mar-13 14:32:16

we both work so we take our son to a nursery we both needed to work to pay bills etc

she has gone back to our home town today taking my son with her. Im alone at home and just feel like crying

forgetmenots Sat 23-Mar-13 14:33:10

Daddyspence, she has been an utter shit to you and with no thought for you or your son. I'm afraid I don't think there is hope for this, but nor do I think you should want her back after what she has done, easily said I know.

See a solicitor ASAP about your son. thanks

GirlWiththeLionHeart Sat 23-Mar-13 14:34:31

Cry if you want to, don't bottle it in.

Sorry, what a terrible shock sad

daddyspence Sat 23-Mar-13 14:36:04

even if i wanted her back she doesnt want to be with me

it makes me feel like i failed as a husband and as a man. I just dont want to there to be issues in seeing my son

MisForMumNotMaid Sat 23-Mar-13 14:36:34

If she wants to leave thats her choice it doesn't mean she gets to take your DS with her. I can't stand affairs, I just don't get it. I do understand divorce.

My XH left when my DC were 1 and 3. I learnt a lot and fast. I suggest you get reading up online and work out what YOU want. Do you want to be the resident sole parent? Shared 1 week with you, 1 with mum, alternative weekends and some holidays?

Do you anticipate you'd be living near to each other so you can both do drop offs collection from nursery etc?

The law appears to be incredibly complex around child access and residential rights. I'm a big advocate of mediation (or less formal sitting around a table with a calm person to keep focus on the agenda and points that need resolving). It is cheaper and faster than dragging things through the courts. If you can maintain a civil line of communication you'll save yourselves much heartache and your DS will benefit.

My XH was very anti mediation but his dad agreed to act as our mediator, a great man, and we each had three questions that we put to the other in advance. These were then talked through on neutral territory. Sometimes we needed to be led away from certain points to allow heightened emotions to calm down.

With a child you can never truly separate from each other if you both share access. This is just how it is. Even post 16 there are parties, graduations, weddings, birth of grandchildren etc where its in your childs interest for you to be able to behave civilly. The sooner you find a way of managing the emotion you wish to direct at her due to the situation, of her creation, the better it will be for your relationship with your DS and with her.

Talking on here can be really beneficial and help get out some of the anger/ frustration/ devastation/ confusion and blackness of the early days of shock.

Just don't forget to work out what would work for you and be prepared to negotiate.

Don't feel like an idiot. You trusted someone you loved, that's all. She's been horribly cruel to you, but you haven't been an idiot. I can't tell you what to do, or how to feel, but do try to believe me on this, she's been stupid and an utter twat, not you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 23-Mar-13 14:39:06

"t makes me feel like i failed as a husband and as a man. I just dont want to there to be issues in seeing my son"

You haven't failed although I know why you feel that way. It's a major blow to your self-esteem to be rejected this way. Is she still living with you?

daddyspence Sat 23-Mar-13 14:40:28

thanks for all that advice misformum its really appreciated.

it will be a bit of a dilemma for me really, my new job is much better that where i used to work back home and i know my future ex wife will want to stay in the area. Its a few hours drive from where we used to live so if i did go home to be near family and friends it would take me further from my son

daddyspence Sat 23-Mar-13 14:43:22

thank you everyone for your kind words and support im amazed at just how much it means to hear things like that.

I was so worried about posting on here and looking weak

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 23-Mar-13 14:45:06

You don't need to relocate to be near family and friends, just get their support. It's very important that others know what's going on because it's quite tempting at this stage to think maybe she'll change her mind or want to keep quiet because you're embarrassed to admit it's all gone wrong.

Have you told her to leave?

MisForMumNotMaid Sat 23-Mar-13 14:46:36

So it sounds like it makes sense to stay where you are in a better job near your son? On the occasions you want to go out drown sorrows be around people you can just be yourself around you visit where you used to live.

Its a Saturday if you're not snowed in do you have someone who could drive to you to keep you company wading through the emotion of these first hours?

daddyspence Sat 23-Mar-13 14:47:50

she decided this morning she needed to get out of the house away from the conflict that was her words not mine.

shes gone to stay with her mum for the night so im just sat at home not really knowing what to do with myself. I get the feeling some of her family might of known about this before she confessed last night

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 23-Mar-13 14:49:35

Tell her not to return. Any 'conflict' is entirely of her making and I think you're entitled to ask for some peace and quiet to think things through, talk to people who actually care about you etc. Are you caring for your DS now?

scaevola Sat 23-Mar-13 14:51:20

It might be worth suggesting that you do separate; you and DS stay in current house, and she can make new arrangement that suits her, based on her decision to check out of the marriage some time age.

daddyspence Sat 23-Mar-13 14:52:52

no she has taken our son with her. I didnt want him to go but she was having none of it.

She isnt the same person i fell in love with shes being so selfish. Ive rang a couple of friends to see if they can come down for the night but i know its a big ask as they all have familys of there own

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