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Is he load of rubbish?

(106 Posts)
number41 Sat 23-Mar-13 12:22:10

I have nambe changed for this, sorry.
I met this bloke about 5 years ago. We hit off straight away, very passionatelly, I liked him a lot, he was chatty friendly and funny. But there where a few things that where very odd. He had lots of money, in cash in his house. And he spent it without thinking it. Of course this at the start of a relationship is fun, went out for dinners, good wines, etc. but as I wanted to get serious I started to ask why he didn't have a bank account, where did the money come from, etc. He told me (after a long persona/family/past history) that from a young age he started being involved in music industry, writing lyrics, and ths is what made him the money, he had a little part time job to "keep him in real life" hmm. Now, of course I searched googled etc. he even told me famous songs he had written. He was nowhere to be seen. One night I was at his and the door bell rang. It was his sister (whom with he had no contact) drunk, shouting at him at telling him it was crazy. I didn't hear much more that that. At the time he was very close to his mum. After a lot of thinking more questions and digs, I just didn't see it clear and I stopped contact.
Until now.
Met him again, we hit off again, the connection and chemistry is quite mind blowing. The story has changed a bit, he says he lost all his money on the crisis he has a full time job and bank accounts like normal people but he doesn't speak to his mum anymore. So we start seing each other again as naively I think he might left the odditty and mad stories behind. But its not the case, he keeps saying that he did all this stuff when young but he hated it, hated "the industry" and the way he was treated to produce money. i have researched again, the songs he says he has written are NOT on his name at all, but another famous songriter mainly. BUT, there is some song lyrics that do make sense with the past he has told me about, but of course he could be completely mental and built a big lie based on what these songs say.
There more this stuff started coming out again, the less I want to see him and now we only send the odd text to each other. But I do miss him.
Sorry this is long and it might be lots of info missing so I didn't dripfeed but I don't want to make the post even longer and messier.
But basically, is he full of bullpoo and a compulsive lier, or is it possible that he did have this weird past and he has wiped himself out from all the media...
Please dont be too harsh, I am not naive, I really like his personality and I am just hoping he is not barking mad... sad
So what do you think? WWYD??
Thanks for reading.

galletti Sat 23-Mar-13 13:18:49

You know Buddy, there's "cruel to be kind" and then there's nasty.

number41 Sat 23-Mar-13 13:19:09

Well, he would be telling the truth then! so yes, I think that would be a GOOD thing

dopeysheep Sat 23-Mar-13 13:19:18

If you really want to know it sounds as if you'll have to do some digging. Talk to his sisters, how about the people who actually are credited with writing the songs he claims to have written?
I don't think you will be satisfied with not knowing.
But don't invest any emotional energy in him I think you will end up hurt/disappointed as he does sound like a total fantasist.

Losingexcessweight Sat 23-Mar-13 13:20:42

There's plenty of men out there who wont have this kind of baggage and will have a 'normal' past.

You can do better than this.

In the past I ve tried to see the best in men who I saw as potential partners, they had complicated pasts like this guy. I put up with a lot of rubbish by doing so. The reason I did this?

I was lacking in self esteem and self worth, I needed to set my standards higher, realise I was worth more than to compromise on this shit.

Once I realised that, I soon met a more 'normal' man who I'm now married to

WallyBantersJunkBox Sat 23-Mar-13 13:20:55

Yes if he admits he's a fantasist why wouldn't it be a good thing? Then he could get some help or counselling.

As far as having a relationship I would not recommend. Doesn't mean you can't be supportive of a friend.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 23-Mar-13 13:23:51

"Well, he would be telling the truth then! so yes, I think that would be a GOOD thing"

Wake up and smell the coffee.... Of course it's not a GOOD thing if a man can only be honest once confronted with the truth. He shouldn't lie in the first place.

Buddybutters Sat 23-Mar-13 13:24:03

Why get involved with someone who even USED to be a fantasist?? There are plenty of normal, honest men out there.

I completely agree with Losingexcessweight above.

number41 Sat 23-Mar-13 13:25:15

Losingexcessweight, I see what you meant, but its not that I see the best in him, it was that we genuinely had lots of fun together, and I like to have that with a partner.

But I really am taking everything on board, I am not going to start seing him again, but some posters have given me the courage to dig a bit more.
My only fear is that I wouldn't want him to know that I have been digging? specially after stopping contact.

ZorbaTheHoarder Sat 23-Mar-13 13:25:44

The thing is, OP, if he really valued you and his relationship with you, he would be making every effort to tell you his whole story (the real one) to put your mind at ease. The fact that he can't come up with any convincing explanation for anything suggests that he really doesn't want you to know the truth about him (probably for good reason). I understand that you feel a great connection with him and you hope that everything will become clear at some point, but it really sounds as though he is someone you could never trust or rely on. Is it really worth asking around his sisters, when the answers you get might make things even more confusing for you? I would cut your losses...

aroomofherown Sat 23-Mar-13 13:27:27

Erm, it's hard to make stack of cash writing song lyrics. And royalties aren't paid in cash.

Buddybutters Sat 23-Mar-13 13:27:27

Also what Cogito said.

I can't believe the attitudes of some people....."Oh he's lied and fed me a load of bullshit but I confronted him with the truth and he had to admit it! Isn't that marvellous? Honesty is such a lovely thing isn't it?! I think he's a keeper!"

Actually lolling here :D

number41 Sat 23-Mar-13 13:28:29

Zorba, I know, I thought that, and he sounds totally delusional, its like he really believes his lies... Sometimes it sounded like he believes it himself!

TheSecondComing Sat 23-Mar-13 13:29:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheSecondComing Sat 23-Mar-13 13:29:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

number41 Sat 23-Mar-13 13:30:24

Buddy, you are good at putting words in my mouth, and you are quite annoying now. It is a good thing when anyone accepts they have done wrong and admite mistakes. Fullstop.
That wouldn't mean I would have a relationship with him, and I could LOL at the baby bit from previous port actually...

WhatDoesTheDogSay Sat 23-Mar-13 13:32:55

OP, he will NEVER admit to lying. I know it's hard for honest people like you and your friend, who have a normal moral compass, to accept that someone you care about, and who you think cares about you, would lie to your face. And in such a big way. But that is what he is doing.

Part of the reason you're hoping for an admission or resolution is that it is, frankly, frightening to consider that he actually is a compulsive liar/fantasist who would lie about absolutely anything. But he is. And you are already emotionally invested because he's good company and nice apart from the lying, or good in bed or whatever, so you don't want it to be true or to lose what you think you have.

You need to extract yourself, though. He will only cause you severe damage. Sorry sad.

Naysa Sat 23-Mar-13 13:33:19

Buddy I'm getting the impression that you are getting actual pleasure from making the OP feel stupid.

"Actually lolling" how old are you? 10? Grow up.
OP came here asking for advice. They don't need you here enjoying every second of their misery and making them feel crappy.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 23-Mar-13 13:35:10

Why wouldn't you want him to know you'd been digging? If you've no intention of keeping up with him it'll make no difference. If you still want to be his friend 'warts and all' then just dig more carefully.

number41 Sat 23-Mar-13 13:35:34

TheSecondComing, no he is not!
One of my theories is that his mum gave him the money, now that they don't talk, there is no money...
Cogito, well it would be a bit better that not admitting it at all.
But anyhow, ok, so reasurred that things do not happen like this in music industry. That is the main reason I wrote th epost. bacause I haven't got a clue. But he has done his homework because he knows a lot of names, things, dates...
But again, taking your advice, I will not start seeing him again.

ZorbaTheHoarder Sat 23-Mar-13 13:36:49

OP, if you already know that he is a compulsive liar, then trying to get to the bottom of what he does or did or where the cash comes from is just pointless.

This large-scale dishonesty is no basis for a relationship - even for a friendship - and could end up dragging you into a lot of unpleasantness.

There are lots of decent men out there whom you could actually TRUST!

I know it sounds a bit glib to say "life is too short for this kind of thing" but this guy really isn't worth expending more of your time/energy/brainpower on.

Be nice to yourself and let him disappear from your life!

number41 Sat 23-Mar-13 13:37:16

WhatDoesTheDogSay and Naysa thank you thanks

Buddybutters Sat 23-Mar-13 13:39:38

Yes it must be annoying when people don't post what you want them to.

I'll rephrase.

I think he sounds lovely and not dodgy At All. Lying is a lovely trait. It's so dull when someone tells you something and you don't have to work out whether its true or not! The element of doubt really adds to a relationship.

number41 Sat 23-Mar-13 13:43:04

A lot of people here have posted what I didn't want to read, because really, it would have been great to read: yes a lot of songwrters are minted, but are anonimous to pretect their private lifes, go for it!" grin
They have just been a lot more polite than you.

number41

I thought I was reading a precis of my BIL for a min in your initial post because he knows all the dates, facts etc and has told whopping great lies to outsiders. He sounds awfully plausible to boot. My BIL is both a narcissist and plausible to those in the outside world. Like this bloke too he has a love/hate thing going on with his mother and she has bailed him out more than once. You will never get to the bottom of why he is really acting like this but my money is on NPD or another type of personality disorder here.

He can and will hurt you and not care about doing so, please do not go back on your word by starting to see him again.

Actually songwriters do get credited and paid ongoing royalties, it would be wrong of the artist not to credit them.

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