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Emotionally abusive men: has anyone NOT gone to court over the divorce?!

(18 Posts)
KateDillington Sat 23-Mar-13 11:27:41

STBXH has such a massive sense of entitlement, it's just exhausting.

He won't offer more than 30% of equity. So it's court. It's such a waste of time. I'm only asking for 50%.

Is this normal for EA situations?!

If what I read on MN is representative, then normalish... My XH started off a bit like this, then backed down later. He had found someone else by then, got his feet under the table, and was attempting to show her and his witch of a mother how lovely and reasonable he was being. He also lied spin-doctored some of the details in his favour.

It was a worry to me...I kept thinking he had something up his sleeve for the last minute, but its all gone through now. Would mediation be a cheaper option for you, or will he not consider it? I understood as a 'general' rule of thumb, you would be more likely to get 70/30 split in your favour. Not that there is exactly a general rule...

KateDillington Sat 23-Mar-13 12:20:16

I can't afford a solicitor. He wouldn't give a financial disclosure so mediation wasn't possible - I've filed for the court proceess to start now. It seems to be mainly paperwork TBH at this stage - I might get a solicitor for the final stages. I don't know.

Bertiebassett Sat 23-Mar-13 12:26:46

Kate I'm just coming to end of a year long battle with FWH. He threatened all sorts of things (including court many times over house and custody of DS). In the end I realised they were just threats...he wouldn't actually go through with them. He just wanted to be in control. I was prepared to go to court in the end just to get it sorted...and because I knew what he was asking for was unrealistic.

It's been an awful 12 months though...not knowing how far he would go and for how much he would fight. Living in the same house while it all went on too!

We've both spent thousands on legal fees only to get more or less what I suggested as settlement in the first place! Oh the joy of divorcing and EA narc wink

Have you got a good solicitor? Do they think he's being realistic about the amount of equity he wants?

Bertiebassett Sat 23-Mar-13 12:27:55

Sorry cross posted...try and get a half hour free session of legal advice?

KateDillington Sat 23-Mar-13 12:29:32

We have 50:50 custody (his decision) and I have moved out of FMH (his decision) and he has all the money / pensions / business (his decision, haha).

I can't afford a solicitor although I have spoken to a couple on 'pay as you go' basis and they have both said that a 50-50 split is what will be considered the normal starting point.

I have given up my career / he earns far more / hasn't given me a penny in 18 months - but if I can get away with 50% then I'll be happy. He will only offer 30%.

TheSilveryPussycat Sat 23-Mar-13 12:41:08

You really do need a good solicitor. If you draft the paperwork (Form E, qnnaire, statement of issues etc) yourself and then get solicitor to polish it up/remove irrelevancies etc this will keep the costs down. Also solicitors know what is possible as financial settlement and what isn't. Also they know the grounds on which to argue (though have a look yourself at Resolution site). Also they are used to negotiating with FWs (fuckwits).

Like bertie I have been through the process. Mine did not involve kids though, as they were grown. Ex represented himself, which made everything more complicated! He also refused to supply financial details so I had to go to court. And we were under same roof. Do feel free to PM me if you want.

Bertiebassett Sat 23-Mar-13 18:07:00

Good advice from Silver (as usual!).

OP yes 50/50 is the starting point for negotiation....but from what you've said (DCs, he earns more, etc) it will be you who ends up with the larger share.

I earn £10k less a year than my STBXH and we both work full time....but I ended up with the larger share of equity, a big lump of his pension, residency for DS...around 60/40 in my favour for everything I reckon. He was pushing for 50/50 but because he earned more than me it was NEVER going to be that way...even if it went to court.

mrfrancis82 Sat 23-Mar-13 20:39:06

Bertiebassett, why didn't you accept 50/50 if he earns more? Sounds fair to me.

TheSilveryPussycat Sat 23-Mar-13 21:35:57

For one thing because she has a child to bring up, I imagine? HTH.

Bertiebassett Sun 24-Mar-13 07:43:08

He earns more than me, so I got more of the equity....how is that not fair?

I did not end up in court with abusive EA XH. Firstly I filred for divorce, he could not be found, went abroad. So I just forgot it.....
Last year, however..... HE had decided (probably after his new GF pestered him to do it) managed to contact me and he filed for divorce.
I duly saw my Solicitor, and had him tell XH Solicitor I did not want anything from him, as I never had anything from him as his wife, so I'd no chance now.
When papers finally arrived, the CHEEKY FUCKER had put that he left vthe marital home as I had been having an affair with a mutual friend angry I'm not even going to explain the amount of women, locally he cheatd with. I was like confused but d'you know what, I just signed them, and thought to myself, I'm finally rid of him and can start making secret plans to marry DP and can go back to my maiden name. Let him be someone elses problem. Terrible drinker, can be violent (already convicted of assaulting new GF, in local paper) unpleasant, rude and arrogant. I genuijnly worry for the girl.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is, I personally knew I'd get nothing out of him so I just agreed to whatever he said. I know the truth. smile

By the way we had no children, thankfully. I realise how difficult it must be for you ladies sorting finances out with exes.

ohtobecleo Sun 24-Mar-13 08:22:03

My situation was similar to maidmarian2012.

My xH refused to provide financial details and was uncontactable/uncooperative (we didn't own a house but all marital debt was in my name). I decided not to even bother pursuing him in court (to my solicitor's horror as I had a 3 yo at the time) and opted for the quickest divorce possible.

For me my freedom from the stress and strain (which was having an impact on my ability to parent) was worth far more than any financial settlement. Having said that, I'm still paying off that debt 8 years later (as I've had about 10% of the maintenance due to me in those years) so it hasn't been an easy path. If I had the choice again I would do the same thing. My attitude was 'it's just money', my emotional well being and the environment in which I can raise my child are far more important.

My EH decided to divorce me for unreasonable behaviour. He wrote three pages of what I had supposedly done, all lies. sad

I cried for days when I read it and my best friend also cried, what he wrote was pure evil.

I couldn't afford a solicitor and he knew this. Luckily I had an acquaintance who is a solicitor, he said it doesn't matter what he said about you, you don't want him back, so I also signed them pained me to do it

But this solicitor would still of needed paying etc so he didn't act for me.

We have a daughter (5) and I got nothing. We still have the FMH rented out as its in negative equity. He has a large police pension, he refused to share this and went ahead with the divorce.

Because he is paying for his DD I presume this is why it all went ahead?

Do he's sitting pretty waiting to retire with his pension and I gave up a well paid career to look after DD when we split. So unfair but what could I do sad

I try and sort it without court though if you can. Good luck.

LemonDrizzled Sun 24-Mar-13 12:19:58

Hi Kate glad to see you are moving forward slowly! What a long way you have travelled since last year. My divorce is nearly done. My EA Ex had very fixed ideas about what should happen, mainly 50:50 split of house and pension etc but wants me to pay 50:50 for upkeep of kids at Uni despite earning 3 x what I do. This I find hard to afford as he is sitting mortgage free in our FMH while I pay rent.

I insisted on getting a solicitor who is calm and kind and stands up to him. He hates it that I said he bullies me! I know he really really doesn't want to go to court so when we go to mediation and he is being rigid and unreasonable my Sol just points out what a judge would award me (spousal maintenance for one!) and he gulps and swallows and backs down. We have one meeting left to go and it should all be done.

Willow have you taken proper legal advice over the pension? If you haven't signed a Financial consent order then you could still get a share of his pension or a lump sum instead. You are entitled to it. The solicitors costs would be well worth it in the long run.

LemonDrizzled Sun 24-Mar-13 12:26:13

Oh and Bertie my Ex insists that if I worked as hard as he does I could earn more, and because I ONLY work 30 hours a week I don't deserve any more of his assets and should pay equally to him. The fact I put my career second to his so he could travel, work 16 hours a day and ignore all family responsibilities is my choice apparently.

cleo has it right I think. Getting shot of the baleful influence these wankers bring to your life is worth more than a "fair " settlement sometimes. As long as you don't leave yourself to struggle forever.

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