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How do I handle this!? Dh not the dh I thought he was:(

(58 Posts)
Justwanttogiveup Sat 23-Mar-13 08:29:43

Feel so stupid and I have nc as I can't even admit to total strangers I am such an idiot.

We have 2 small children. I am a sahm and dh works very long hours. Recently he had to go on a business trip for a week. He got back very late, left for work the next day and promised he would come with me for a pre arranged day at a friends with the dc. He got home at 6.30am. I was already up with the dc. He went to bed drunk. He said he met up with friends and they were all drinking, he said he had a problem with saying no to drink blah blah and would never do it again.

Dd was very sick 2 nights ago and I called him at work to hurry home as she couldn't breathe and I needed him there. He promised he would be home in 30 mins. I was crying and panicked on the phone.

I got dd breathing again, and fell asleep on the sofa with her. I woke up at 1.30am and he wasn't home. Then ds woke up and wet the bed. I called him and he said he was meeting business suppliers and it just went on. He came home and I yelled at him and said enough was enough. He managed to convince me it was business.

Was looking on fb, and he works with a nightclub on a consultancy basis, but doesn't have to be there at night at all. They post photos on fb of the night. The is a pic of him with 2 women. They are all drinking wine.

I hate the fucker and can't wait for him to get back from a meeting to ask more questions about these " suppliers"

Or am I overreacting? I stopped sleeping with him after the all nighter a week ago.

flaminhoopsaloolah Mon 01-Apr-13 00:56:40

How long have you been tellibg him that this hasnt been working for you and how long has his minimising/stonewalling/playing the victim/diverting attention from the problem response to your concerns been going on for?

flaminhoopsaloolah Mon 01-Apr-13 00:54:45

How long have you been tellibg him that this hasnt been working for you and how long has his minimising/stonewalling/playing the victim/diverting attention from the problem response to your concerns been going on for?

AnonToSpareBlushes2 Mon 01-Apr-13 00:02:02

Actually, I do believe the thing about meeting suppliers could be true. Sometimes business overlaps with having social stuff like that, particularly in those types of industry.

But I think it's unforgivable not to come back, whether it's business or not, when you tell him that your DD is unwell and that you need his support. It must be really scary deciding how unwell she has to get before she needs to go to hospital, especially without a second opinion from the other parent. THAT is the really horrible thing he's done - especially as you called him in tears and clearly needed him.

colditz Sun 31-Mar-13 22:22:28

He is a prick. I have two asthmatic children and my boyfriend, not their father and not resident with us, would come round here if he could get here. And what does that tell you about how much he respects you and cares about his kids?

Is he on cocaine? Because coming in and trying to fuck at you is a very coke head thing to do.

Almostfree Sun 31-Mar-13 22:04:18

Hi, read through this whole thread and your DH sounds exactly like my ex DH. I'm sorry, but his boss being 'nasty' when your DH said he didn't want to work extra hours is likely to be an excuse so that he 'can't raise the issue again', will have to keep working the extra hours, could be putting his job at risk if he doesn't etc. etc.
Also the grandiose gestures eg babysitter & cocktails are because he knows he's been rumbled and he needs to get you back on side and back in your box. A real gesture would be doing teatime/bathtime/bedtime for the kids while you relaxed.
If he absolutely did have to work the extra hours, he could choose how to conduct himself when working couldn't he? Not drink, get back as soon as possibly, keeping in touch, not engage in flirty behaviour?
I really feel for you OP, I was exactly where you are - I finally found the strength to tell my DH it was over and I've never looked back. I have 3 DC, and not much of a support network, but I am so much happier. You're doing all the hard work with the DC now as it is - I'm telling you it's so much easier on your own than being with someone who could & should be helping you but isn't.

It sounds like changing his job would be a very positive thing, so I can understand why you are hopeful.

You will still need to address how he acts around the house though, not just get him to be home more. Right now it sounds like even when he's home he doesn't do anything, you have to sort everything. Did he address that?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 28-Mar-13 09:45:25

Hope it works out for you, keep talking to him.

Tortoiseontheeggshell Thu 28-Mar-13 04:10:23

All of that sounds very positive, justwant, I'm glad.

What line in the sand are you going to draw, though? I mean, in your head, what's the walkaway point? Nebulous "he's trying" stuff can get very confusing, whereas "if he doesn't at least do one evening shift with the DC per week, send out his CV and stop drinking" is more concrete. Not that I'm telling you what is or isn't important - just that you need to be clear, for you, what the line is.

good luck.

Justwanttogiveup Thu 28-Mar-13 03:22:47

Been away dealing with a few things, so wanted to update the thread.

Dozer- he doesn't pressure me for sex. He doesn't get arsy or anything.

We had our talk- not in the park as dc wanted to do other things - but he knows he's a fool. He has sent his cv out to various head hunters and is looking at changing his job. He has had meeting with his boss and told them he is not doing all the extra hours for free on a permanent basis or otherwise just because he is a senior manager. They are short staffed and should hire anyway- just trying to save money by making sm work like 2 people and telling them that's why they get more money.

His boss was rather nasty so it looks like sending his cv was a good thing.

And he arranged for a babysitter, and took me out for cocktails and dinner.

I'm not going to ltb, not yet.

Lucyellensmum95 Tue 26-Mar-13 21:11:27

Just leave, take your children and leave - get a lawyer and make him support you.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 26-Mar-13 21:01:37

I am not saying LTB. Undeniably when DCs are involved there is an added factor to consider. Nobody's perfect, every relationship has ups and downs.

Knowledge is power. Even if you don't yet feel inclined to find out legally what your expectations might be, how your assets would be divided, maintenance and so on, start by writing out a list of any bank accounts, pensions, maturing policies, outstanding debts.

You're not an unpaid housekeeper/childminder, you aren't there to service his needs. Not being salaried doesn't mean you are on duty 24/7 while he plays at being a big shot. Somewhere along the line perceptions got skewed.

He is treating you like a domestic appliance he can stick his dick in when he feels like it. I suggest doing the relevant research as to whether you can put him out of the house or whether you and DC would be better off moving; how much maintenance you will get, any benefits you might get, etc. Then sit him down and say you're not prepared to continue living like this and that he either starts pulling his weight in terms of housework and childcare, or you will end the marriage.

Dozer Tue 26-Mar-13 20:38:02

Re the sex I mean it's awful that he is pressuring you, and that you sound like you feel you have to have sex to "make up" when nothing is actually resolved and you are (understandably ) still angry with him.

Dozer Tue 26-Mar-13 20:35:48

He sounds hideous. And why all the sex? When he is treating you so badly.

I can't abide the "I do it all for you and the DC" bollocks, he clearly wants things this way. Expect he could turn nasty if you left and he had to pay maintenance etc, although that's no reason not to go.

Does he look after the DC alone often? Do his fair share of domestic work? Do you trust him to care for your DD and deal with an athsma attack? If not, then all the more reason to question being with him.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 26-Mar-13 17:09:40

Wondering how you got on at the park, OP. Would like to hope you were able to talk, have a frank but civil exchange of views, and you are now completely reassured and feel the future is rosy!

Has it been like this since you started a family, does he come from a tradition whereby men went out to work and women stayed home and didn't complain, has he somehow relegated you to mum, chief cook and bottle washer? Unfortunately if he has then he will soon see you in role of his mother too, picking up after him, all the comforts of domestic life, taking parental initiative, doing his thinking for him. Does he think you are prepared to settle for what you have?

It is all very well for anyone outside your marriage to look in and say, what have you got to complain about, (if your DM is inclined to this then don't lean on her for support); you're the one who has to live through this.

I know more than one woman who has effectively raised the DCs like she is a single parent, the H is busy busy busy, any family time is in is eyes office time squandered, the only time they all have 'quality' time altogether is during a fortnight in the summer holidays or a week off at Christmas.

If things are no further resolved, you are not an idiot, you are not expecting too much of him. He is by now used to hearing you chastise him, he hasn't changed, he isn't taking you seriously. You can be sure if you split he will say you were impossible to please, too demanding, blah blah. He can say what he likes, those who believe him won't matter, those who matter to you won't believe him.

First things first, do make yourself a GP's appointment.

Good luck OP.

Honestly, I think you would be better off without him. If he's never around and you can't even count on him in an emergency, what use is he really? It sounds like he just makes your life more difficult. And refuses to change.

EggyFucker Tue 26-Mar-13 08:54:43

Deaf, even

Although I was probably right the first time

EggyFucker Tue 26-Mar-13 08:40:24

Good luck. I think your talk will fall on dead ears though. He has things just how he wants them. Why would he change?

Justwanttogiveup Tue 26-Mar-13 03:48:49

Thanks eggysmile

I don't think he mentioned to anyone dd was ill, as he didn't want to go. I think he would have been sat on his own if he had mentioned a very sick dc and stayed.

Hatpin, it's his job, and he is in a socialising environment for work. Though I agree , he doesn't have to do it. They are selling, not buying!!

Captain mummy, I often feel like he is lodger or something. If one of the dc is in the bath and I am dressing the other, he has to be told to go and sit with them, tell stories etc. if I don't say anything, he lies on the sofa and puts the tv on. The dc get all moany when he joins us and dont want daddy. he storms off. He is never there usually anyway. He is only around bath time and bedtime when he has the day off. Mealtimes the same. When the dc play up, he just ignores them and I have to come and sort it out. He seems oblivious to the shouting / tears.

Izzy, I hadn't thought of that, needing a doctor myself. I guess I just assumed it was all part of my troubles and would go away when dh changed. He came home after I had gone to bed last night ( normal in his job). I used to wait up for hm but I don't bother now. He is always late and I feel such an idiot waiting up for someone who is just socialising.

Anyway, he woke me up when he got home, telling me he loved me and clearly wanting sex. I told him to get off, and I couldn't believe he had woken me up when for once the dc were sleeping through. He tried again and this time I shouted at him to leave me alone. I was so tired I didn't really know what I was saying, still asleep really. He left me alone after.

Today, he is off until the late afternoon so we can take the dc to a park and have a talk. I'm so tired of complaining, being told I am ungrateful, doing his best- and yes, I know he is a workaholic, and likes it. I just can't be bothered with the " you must support me I work so hard" and him agreeing with me sincerely, and not changing.

izzyizin Mon 25-Mar-13 09:27:48

When you're consumed by caring for others it's very easy to overlook your own needs.

Please find time to book an appointment with your GP for yourself, honey. It could be that you've simply got into the habit of waking at 4am due to other causes, but early waking is one of the signs of clinical depression and a short course of mild sleeping tablets or low dose anti d's may be necessary to restore your equilibrium.

As for your selfish arse of an h, put him on notice that if he doesn't curtail his 'working' hours it's not going to be question of whether he wants to split, it'll be of a question of when you choose to file for divorce on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour - which is as unacceptable as it is unreasonable for you and your dc.

After you've given him due notice, don't reward him with 'making up' sex as he won't see any reason to change his ways and you'll be left with further hurtful confirmation that he has no qualms about making false promises in order to continue carrying on as if he's a single man without a care in the world.

Good lord, what a selfish prick

Workaholics never come out and say, "I work 12 hours a day because I love work and I want to avoid family responsibilities and have a ready-made excuse for socialising whenever I want." No, of course they are doing it all for you, it is such a huge sacrifice don't you know.

There is not a business person in the world who would hold it against him if he said he had to go as his child couldn't breathe. And if they did, it's not someone you want to do business with, is it?

His reaction to you now is pathetic.

If he's not willing to make some serious changes, I don't see what the point of the marriage is. He can still go work all hours and provide for his family, but you don't have to have his lack of caring put in your face all the time.

EggyFucker Mon 25-Mar-13 08:14:46

OP,, you sound great, and you deserve better than this

You know you do x

captainmummy Mon 25-Mar-13 08:13:59

So..... if you split up, you get to be a single parent (errrr,like you are already, really) and he gets to do what he likes, when he likes, with whomever he likes, with no responsilibities, no cares, kinda like he does already.

No?

TrampyPanterNoster Mon 25-Mar-13 07:49:45

It really does sound like he thinks he's don bloody draper! He's treating you and your dc like shit and is clearly disinterested in family life.

DaffodilAdams Mon 25-Mar-13 07:26:14

"the office bike" hmm

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