Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
Is this a non starter (sorry, mega long post)(59 Posts)
Iv been single since I caught my DS's dad with another woman. Iv had the odd fling but nothing that serious. My DS is now 19months.
Very recently I got with a new guy. We dated when I was 13. He has a DS aged 7yrs. He says that he's never stopped thinking of me and that it's like when people reunite with their high school sweethearts. He says I'm the one.
My problem is that he brings up my past a lot. He seems to think that every male iv ever come in contact with that I have some sexual history with, which is not true.
He throws it in my face and makes sly comments which are not nasty but that I find offensive. Iv told him how I feel about it.
Otherwise he is excellent with my DS and I have bonded really well with his DS. He would do anything for me, helps out loads and is very loving and affectionate.
I suppose what I'm asking is, is it too good to be true? Does he have a really low opinion of me or is he just insecure?
Perhaps I'm worrying about nothing. Perhaps I'm paranoid. Perhaps I'm so used to things being or turning shit that that is what I expect. Argh I don't know. I need outside, informed opinions please
"The only possible way this can continue is if he immediately and permanently stops this nonsense"
Sounds good in theory, Machli, but jealous and abusive twunts such as Mr DD can't stop their nonsense in this lifetime without the type of pyschological intervention which can take years to bring about resolution of his issues.
If he's still reading, I challenge him to go one whole month without once making any reference whatsoever to Angel's past sex life.
Should he agree to take up the gauntlet I suggest you keep a shovel handy, Angel. because the effort will cause him to explode and splatter the sidwalk with unsightly litter.
I'm intrigued to let him take up said challenge and see the response
Correction: please substitute Snazzy for 'Machli' in my above response.
Apologies, Machli... your name was on my mind as I intended to cite your response at 00:41:34 as being spot on in my earlier post.
Let us know the start time and date, honey, and I'll begin the countdown... depending on how frequently you plan to see him during that time, I'll also start a book with odds on 1/2/3/4/812/24/36/48 hours etc
It will be starting tomorrow, il let you ladies commence the 'book' as odds were never my strong point
Will keep you updated.
I suppose what I'm asking is, is it too good to be true?
What, the guy accuses you of shagging all and sundry and you think the relationship is too good to be true?
Are you mad? There is NO way this is even slightly a good relationship.
"Don't make the mistake of thinking that, given time, he'll come to trust you, know you'll never hurt him, that you'll never be untrue, you'd never look at another man, he's your soulmate, you are 'meant' to be, 'love' will prevail, and other equally misguided sentiments.
If you stay with this man it won't be long before he becomes violent towards you - most probably just a slap or two first and he'll be so sorry, he'll cry real crocodile tears, he'll say he didn't know what came over him, it's because he loves you so much he can't bear the thought of losing you, and he'll promise it will never happen again... but of course it will and, before you know it, your life will become a living hell"
Angel, I apologise for reposting Izzy's comment again, but It's Not Just A Theory. It happens, it's exhausting, and it gets worse not better. These aren't idle musings of his, and all it will take is for you to show it's not true... these are his deep held beliefs, and your loyal behaviour and denials will not make a gnat's blink of a difference to them.
Hope it's going ok.
Things seem to have improved and miscommunication and misinterpretations unravelled. We had a brief talk earlier but will talk more when the kids are in bed and then I can best judge what he is saying and if there are red flags or if tempers were just high last night.
I don't feel smothered by him or like he's trying to wrap me in cotton wool or trying to keep me away from people. It just seems that maybe his past is haunting him a bit and he is just putting some worries on to me.
He said he wants to work on it because its just a scared part of him worrying that his heart will be broken again.
How has he 'seen this thread'? Did he go snooping for it or did you show him it?
Your past is none of his business. And you should stop making excuses for him about his past and blaming other women for him being a sexually jealous control freak.
I just tried, but I can't stop myself posting this...
Heard It All Before.
No-one ever comes out and says, sorry, it's because I just wanted to poke and poke and poke - it's always because they're so hurt and distressed and worried they just can't help being unpleasant to you to solve their own problems.
Perhaps not. Perhaps this is different. But bear in mind that this is not a novel, or even convincing, explanation. Painting himself as scared and worried and potentially heart-broken doesn't square with a man who:
"throws it in my face"
"makes sly comments"
"it plays on his mind."
"doesn't want me being connected with these people."
"asks if anything ever happened between some one that calls or texts etc."
That's nasty and aggressive attitude, no matter how convincing the casual laugh that goes with it. Please don't accept any "poor me" conversation tonight unless it is also accompanied with a seriously large amount of "poor you" for him having behaved like this - not just a sighing agreement to try and reign it in for a few weeks.
My husband has no interest in the sex life I had before him, and vice versa
Any insecurities he may have, he deals with himself
and vice versa
This is how it should be
I think your boyfriend will not stop scapegoating you, unless he has shedloads of therapy to deal with his inadequacies
Would he agree to that ?
Im with eggy on this, my DH no interest in previous relationships, and vice versa.
These are HIS issues and there are some huge red flags flying here.
He has very recently began therapy. It was mainly bereavement therapy but it is covering all areas he has issues with.
he has all the hallmarks of a controlling arsehole because he has been bereaved ?
you are excusing him this shit based on that ?
look, we have all lost people
does it turn us into a jealous twat with issues ?
Was the reason you've not seen him since you were 13 because he fell into a cryogenic chamber and was frozen in time for 12 years? Because him being 13 would be the only excuse for him behaving like this.
And even then, that'd make him a shitty 13 yr old who wasn't fit to be anyone's boyfriend.
Another red flag! Therapy for "all areas he has issues with". His other issues so far sound like jealousy and control (as well as the aforementioned bereavement). Without being too harsh, I really think you are clinging onto that dream of childhood sweethearts and being "the one" right from the age of 13 and it's clouding your judgement so you can't see that this is a damaged man who has considerable issues.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Well, I was going to say what thesecondcoming just said, so I Errol just add, when he gets nastier and you realist you don't know which way is up any more, because of gotta manipulation and control and bullying, we will still be here.
But I would save you and your DC the bother and pain, and run for the fucking hills. Red flags everywhere. And you really needed top work on your boundaries, he treats you badly and you think it's okay. It's not okay.
I ask again, how did he 'see this thread'?
Oh dear, he sounds like a self indulgent, controlling arse at best and a manipulative nutter at worst. Nobody should be making you feel like this, especially someone who claims to care about you. Get shot of him before he drives you mad.
He sounds like he has too many issues with sex and women to be in a relationship right now. It won't work. It will leave you unhappy. Don't subject your DD to it - would be my advice.
How did he see this thread?
I think if his ex has cheated then it can cause major insecurities, but these can be overcome with work and talking - as long as he KNOWS when he's being unreasonable and is willing to talk etc.
id say that it sounds like it may be worth persevering but don't move in and give it time and let him know the sly comments are not ok
he does have issues but then don't we all. lots of us get damaged along the way and sometimes have to work through trust issues. a few issues does not an abuser make
So many red flags her are fluttering. Men like this one who have inherent low self worth like women like yourself a lot because they can sense both the desparation and inherent low self esteem. This is about power and control on his part; he wants absolute over you to make him feel better. He will kill you emotionally in the end and drive you half mad in the process. Such men detest women.
You're 25; you do not want to arrive at 26 feeling even worse or more uncomfortable than you do now.
AN - what did you learn about relationships when growing up?. TBH you need to unlearn all the crap on relationships that you have been taught to date (and that also includes dumping this bloke asap) and start afresh with a new approach to relationships. I would also suggest counselling for your own self in this regard.
I would also suggest you read "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood. That is you.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.