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He's a bit too fecking 'nice'?!

(71 Posts)
aroomofherown Fri 22-Mar-13 20:45:28

I've met this guy, friend of a friend, in January. We got on really well when we met because we just took the piss out of each other and had a lot of laughs as a result. My friend describes him as a diamond, which he is, because he's so bloody lovely and loyal.

He emails/texts every day, telling me how lovely I am, calling me beautiful and wishing me a lovely day/sweet dreams etc. He is consistently lovely to me. He's sensitive and really helped out my flatmate when she was extremely stressed about work - she thinks he's great. He is thinking about retraining as a counsellor, which I think he'd be great as as he has a high level of emotional intelligence.

Problem is, these days I feel like I'm on a bit of a pedestal - he seems to have really fallen for me - and when he's so lovely he can be, well, a bit boring.

Am I being too harsh? i've told him to stop being so lovely all the time as I will end up being a bit unkind (I know myself well enough to know I need a bit of a challenge) - which he does to varying success so far.

So, collective wisdom of MN - what do you think?

pictish Sat 23-Mar-13 10:19:27

Hmmm....

Are we not always telling women on here that it's ok to not want to remain in a relationship for any reason?

I think what the OP describes sounds quite smothering and intense. She suspects he's piling all his eggs into her basket, even though she hasn't quite invited him to do so yet. She only met him in January!
Something is telling her no. Her not-too-sure-about-this prickles are up.

She suspects she is about to become his crutch. That much is obvious to me.

pictish Sat 23-Mar-13 10:21:23

I'm not saying he's a bad 'un. I don't know.

It's worth listening to what the OP is telling us though. She's not confortable with his level of niceness, she feels it's tipping over into being a bit bulldozed.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sat 23-Mar-13 10:23:28

I am confused.

You want someone to treat you badly?

In what way?

Ignore you? Mess you around? be a bit mean? Seem disinterested in you?

Why?

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sat 23-Mar-13 10:26:59

pictish - so leave the relationship then, rather than trying to get the guy to change his behaviour to suit.

pictish Sat 23-Mar-13 10:33:48

Agree.

EggandSporkRace Sat 23-Mar-13 10:39:26

The only times I have hated being treated like this were when the bloke wasn't that nice really, but was very 'in love' with me, and it turned me off...I found it intensely annoying to be told 'you are wonderful' twenty times a day - I just wanted to scream.

Turns out it was for a good reason.

Yours might be properly brilliant, or he might be an eejit with a good line in charm - either way if it makes you uncomfortable that's a bad sign.

EggandSporkRace Sat 23-Mar-13 10:42:19

Oh and people said 'Oh he is trying hard...he just loves you a lot...he hasn't said anything horrible!'

this was when he was texting me about how much he missed me, when I'd taken the kids to a day out/ party without him - and how 'the only good day is one spent with you' hmm - and then we got home to a load of shopping we'd neither needed or wanted on our doorstep, he'd known we were out, he was either checking up on me to make sure I wasn't lying, or trying to make me feel guilty for spending the day away from him, or both.

It was hideous - it literally felt like being smothered, tbh.

EggandSporkRace Sat 23-Mar-13 10:43:34

and I had told him it made me uncomfortable prior to this - and he still did it, saying 'I know you don't want to hear it but ...' as though that made it Ok.
He was dependant on me.

That's what you have to watch out for.

pictish Sat 23-Mar-13 10:46:23

The problem with someone falling for you fast and hard, and wanting to focus soley on you, is that you kind of get the feeling that you could be anyone. That you are adored for what you represent.

I ditched a lovely boyfriend years ago. He was sexy and clever, and just adored me...but he was wet. He quickly became my shadow. He always wanted to be holding my hand, picking me up, fawning over me. He loved me three months in. He agreed with everything I said, and went out of his way to do nice things for me ...and I started to feel like he was forcing me to love him.

In the end the soppy eyes and hand holding got too much, and I finished it.

hmm, I can see both sides here. pictish I had a bf like you have described when I was about 18 and it all got too much for me. Smothered is exactly right. And I felt awful ending it, but I knew that I couldnt keep going out with him. He would have sucked the life out of me.

OP - huge difference between him being a nice guy and a life sapper - only you know whether he has his own interests or he is basing his whole life on you.

EggandSporkRace Sat 23-Mar-13 11:02:56

That's it Pictish, it's all about them, and what it makes them feel like - nothing to do with you.

EggandSporkRace Sat 23-Mar-13 11:05:15

Also when I finished with him, he refused to accept it for a while - and then told someone else how ugly and boring I was.

He still sent me messages

It was never about me, just his addiction to a feeling of being 'in love' and thinking I actually cared about him which actually, having found out what he was like, I stopped doing pretty quickly.

It's deluded and very uncomfortable to be on the receiving end of. I couldn't bear to be touched by him towards the end.

ImperialBlether Sat 23-Mar-13 11:52:41

He is showing you how much he likes you as well as telling you, isn't he?

It's not just nice that he walked you to the station when he could have stayed in bed, it's the sort of thing a normal caring man would do. You're not used to that, are you?

If you are uncomfortable with the compliments, is it because you think he compliments you so much that he can't mean all of it? Do you think you're not worth it? Maybe he does mean it. Maybe you are lovable. Maybe you are beautiful. Did other men not tell you that, or only tell you after an argument or when they were persuading you that what they'd done wrong was only because of you?

Judge him by how he's treated your friend, not you.

ImperialBlether Sat 23-Mar-13 11:56:01

One thing you could do is this.

Think of a friend who has a lovely husband and a really good relationship. Ask on here if you don't know anyone in real life like that.

Then ask them. "When you first met your husband and he was mad on you, would he have walked you to the station early in the morning?"

I think you'll find those on the Relationships board with bad relationships for whatever reason - entitled, cheating, lazy etc - will say "No" and some might add, "He would tell me he loved me and then go back to sleep."

Others with good relationships, who feel loved, will look bemused and say, "Of course he did."

aroomofherown Sat 23-Mar-13 13:23:16

Ah thanks everyone. Interesting read. I think I just don't know him well enough yet to know if he will smother me, part of me thinks he might, and part of me just isn't used to the nice things (which are normal in a good relationship) as someone said. Think I just need to give him time to find out.

RockinD Sat 23-Mar-13 19:16:12

My DH spent nine months getting to know me before he asked me out and by the time he did that, he'd pretty much made his mind up. Six weeks in, making cocoa, and with his head in the cupboard, he said 'Well, I guess this is it then.' We married 18 months later.

As the abused daughter of a narc mother and an enabling father with no perspective whatsoever, all - and I mean all - of my relationships had been abusive.

It took me a long time to get used to a man who called when he said he would and was absolutely reliable, a long time to get used to a relationship without the 'buzz' you get from the bad boys. There is just no drama - and it's great. We've been married nine years and he still tells me every day that he loves me. I trust him implicitly (and he me) and I wish, I so wish, I had met him in my 20s, not my 40s.

Please, give this guy a chance.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sat 23-Mar-13 19:22:13

DH would have walked me to the station.

He used to drive 3 hours twice a weekend to come and see me, and got his work to transfer him so that he could move in with me, which he did after 6 weeks. grin

NotMostPeople Sat 23-Mar-13 19:52:52

I had a boyfriend like this, after a few weeks I told him straight that it was too ich and that he needed to back off. To be fair to him he did just that. About a week went by and I found I was really missing him, so I called him (from a phone box pre-mobile) and said that I'd like to meet up for a drink. Within six months we were married.....

...... And within three years we were divorced. He went from worshiping the ground I walked on to being totally ambivalent, apparently a pattern that he still follows twenty years later.

I don't think it's about picking the bad ones, it's about feeling that your relationship is equal. I respect my DH (no2) but I didn't respect my first H.

WafflyVersatile Sat 23-Mar-13 21:56:51

Have you asked him about his previous relationships?

Maybe he's a bit of a pleaser? That can be a bit off-putting and mean that he doesn't have great boundaries himself. Do you think he has good boundaries? Does he say no to requests for help or does he bend over backwards to help everyone, every time? Does he always want to do just whatever you want to do?

How far along with the counselling stuff is he? I think you have to be counselled yourself during the training.

Maybe he's just nice and considerate.

If he's so emotionally thingummy you should be able to talk to him about this.

ReturnOfEmeraldGreen Sat 23-Mar-13 22:17:21

I can't help thinking about Bill Hicks (RIP) - "Chicks Dig Jerks" confused

aroomofherown Sun 24-Mar-13 22:14:44

OK have spent the weekend with him, told him to be a bit more lighthearted and he's been a gem - loads of fun but also lovely.

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