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Just told him I'm leaving......

(82 Posts)
mammadiggingdeep Fri 22-Mar-13 18:35:52

well, hoped I'd never be writing my own post like this sad

I have found he's cheated, pretty obvious and evidence too. He's denying even though it's clearly undeniable. Anyway, relationship was bad for a while so icing on the cake for me.

We are not married, been together 7 years, joint mortgage and 2 dc, 2years and one who is 8 months.

He is angry at the moment and is threatening all sorts.....selling house immediately, only dealing with access through solicitors etc. I wanted to keep it civil and reasonable.

What is the normal amount of access, I was thinking every other weekend and a night in week?? Isn't this usual? I'm main carer (do everything!!!), work 3 days but am on mat leave at moment. He works full time.

Please can you tell me what would happen if he did get solicitors involved??? Have any of you had similar experience of someone arguing about access before anythings even been sorted?!

ponygirlcurtis Fri 22-Mar-13 20:59:24

So sorry to hear of your situation. sad

Regards contact, you can set the tone of what you think is reasonable for the kids (ie he's not allowed to dictate what he wants, just because he wants it). I'd think that overnights might be a while away yet, give the young age of at least the little one, if not both. I left my FW of a H in May last year, and contact has been steady at: one evening a week after work (probably about 1.5hrs) and one day at the weekend, so I pick him up before bedtime.

I think this is reasonable. If he wants more than this, and if I don't agree, he needs to raise a (costly) court action. He may be granted overnight access every other weekend, he may not (because of the DCs' age). But either way, what you are thinking is reasonable, but I'd say work up to that as a final goal, not as the immediate arrangement. Start small, a couple of times a week for a couple of hours - if he's not used to having them on his own, especially.

Stay strong, lovely.

mammadiggingdeep Fri 22-Mar-13 21:42:33

Thank you.....yOur posts really are an inspiration.
Yes, missing in action- that sums him up. Actually, he hasn't had both together for longer than 3 hours, never over night and thinking about it, he's only taken the eldest out for trips out (to shops etc), just leaves the baby with me.

I'm still b feeding a little at night anyway so there's a reason he couldn't do both over night.

Thank you for sharing your wisdom. I'm off to bed now but I am feeling so much more positive smile
I'll re read this thread tomorrow first thing so that i start the day feeling good smile xxxx

badinage Fri 22-Mar-13 23:58:00

Fine but as soon as you've stopped breast feeding, make sure the little one goes too because sooner or later, he's got to face up to life as a single parent, which means supervising kids for more than 3 hours at a time. You do it; there's no reason why he shouldn't too.

tightfortime Sat 23-Mar-13 00:17:10

What a complete prick. Good on you for sorting yourself and not the OW. That will come later.

Delay tactics are in order. Start every response to every shitty text with: I think you'll find you can't do that. Make him check, legally, and take you on. Buy time and get your own legal advice.

Use it for estate agents (who won't touch your house with a barge pole while acrimonious stuff is happening btw) and for access to kids and money which you will take from bank account which he will demand back. Etc etc.

You will be fine. Once the denial, disbelief, hurt and rage has passed. But you sound strong and capable. Don't make it easy.

Even in 50-50 custody, the mum generally does more. In our, now civilised, case, he has two overnights and one evening a week. But obviously, a small baby is different.

You call the shots here. He lost that right when he betrayed you. Dickhead.

tightfortime Sat 23-Mar-13 00:18:58

Oh and little tip...when they want it all through solicitors, just agree. They soon discover that reasonable ex is much better to deal with. Keep surprising him.

pausingforbreath Sat 23-Mar-13 09:23:12

The others on this thread have given you thegood advice, but regarding tax credits ; I looked into all of this last year. The magic number is 16 hrs for full entitlement . I worked 15 hrs a week, had a word with my employer and they increased my hours to 16 - this would then of enabled me to claimed the working tax credit.

I have it in place ready, but have not used my extra hours entitlement for any claim.

ChippingInIsEggceptional Sat 23-Mar-13 10:11:00

How are you doing this morning? Did he stay away?

mammadiggingdeep Sat 23-Mar-13 13:17:42

Hello all-
Well, yes, he stayed away...not sure if he'll be back tonight but at least I was able to relax last night and this morning. I've been looked after by my lovely cousin today and am just off to see a friend now. My eldest dc is excited by the snow so she's in a lovely mood (I've been worried that she's picking up on vibes but she seems ok).

Thanks for info re tax credits....do you mean you get them if you work 16 plus hours?? I work 3 days which prob works out about 24 hours.

mammadiggingdeep Sat 23-Mar-13 13:22:08

Tight for time-
Thanks for your post last night. It's interesting to hear other people's arrangements. When I reflected on what you've said I think a whole weekend is unrealistic at the moment, especially for my youngest.

Thankyou for saying I sound strong and capable- I think I've learnt that I have to be....and probably the stronger and more I have just got on with things, the more he has let me do. I've been realizing today just how little he had actually done for our youngest- he used to bath the eldest every night as a baby. I think he's bathed the youngest 3 or 3 times by himself. sad

pausingforbreath Sat 23-Mar-13 13:25:02

Hiya Mamma,
Yes, 16 or over hours a week .
When I worked mine out it was an 'extra' 7k in credits than on my 15 hrs.
Hence why I made sure I got the extra hour on my contract.

Nice update from you, you sound very positive - hope all remains calm and you can all move on quietly .

Take care.

izzyizin Sat 23-Mar-13 13:52:05

Don't worry, honey. You're not going to be parted from your babies for a minute longer than you have to be - and I suspect that won't be very long at all because it's highly unlikely that he'll want to play any role other than 'fun daddy' for a few hours at weekends, or wear his dc as a cross between a pulling accessory and a badge of honour in MaccyD's so that <in his tiny mind> unsuspecting women will view him as a 'hands on dad' and be attracted to his <hollow laugh> caring qualities.

By informing him that, of course, <in the fullness of time> he'll have the dc from Friday night to Monday morning every weekend <so that you can have an, ahem, exciting and rewarding social life> and half of all school holidays you're merely cutting him down to size making it clear to him that he can revise his plan to be 'fun daddy' (as above) whenever it suits him and that his contact with the dc will be as much about what suits you and, above all, them, as him.

Regard it as your mission to vapourise his dream of settling into a cosy newly purchased <with money he's done you out of> love nest with Ms Loose Knickers and, to this end, use the tried and trusted tactics that will shock and awe the fucker pull him up short and make him more amenable to civilised negotiation.

Any sign of those estate agents?

ChippingInIsEggceptional Sat 23-Mar-13 14:13:15

I'm glad you are being looked after smile and that DD1 is enjoying the snow!

What you do about shared care and what you say you want don't have to be the same thing... just think on it. You deserve for him to pay for half of the childcare costs (I think all non residential parents should have to) and he should not be thinking this is going to be like being single again. Really think about telling him you are going to be going for 50/50 shared care - let him come to you with compromises (both care & cost).

Do not let him assume he'll be able to just have the DD's for a few hours one day in the weekend. As much of a fuckwit he is, he's their Dad and he's going to have to become hands on, for their sake and yours. You have a new life to build which cannot be staying at home with the children 24/7 while he builds his career and his social life.

JsOtherHalf Sat 23-Mar-13 14:15:01

www.turn2us.org.uk/ will let you check what benefit amounts you are likely to get.

mammadiggingdeep Sat 23-Mar-13 14:19:46

Yes, feeling calm actually! I think the last month, where the rubbish has all been going on has been and gone and it's almost a relief that I've got to this point. He really has left me with no choice, I'd be a mug to stay in this relationship. Think I'd also b letting my dc down long term.

Just hope he doesn't cause too much upset now that I've ended it. Sad times but I'll be ok

mammadiggingdeep Sat 23-Mar-13 14:20:36

Thank u jsother

izzyizin Sat 23-Mar-13 14:35:28

If you stay in a relationship with this self-entitled arse you will be letting yourself down and, in turn, this will adversely impact on your dc in the longer term.

He's a liar and a cheat whch is an unsuitable role model for your dc and the sooner he leaves your home, the better.

As he failed to return last night, he's clearly got somewhere to stay and it's to be hoped he stays there until he grows up starts thinking with his brain instead of his dick.

You'll only be a mug if you allow him to railroad you into agreeing to any terms which are unreasonable and unfair to you and the dc.

mammadiggingdeep Sat 23-Mar-13 14:39:55

Thanks chipping. Wish you were able to be my spokeswoman and deal with him for me!!! He actually has increasingly Bren acting like he's a single man, think he feels frustrated in this family setting although I do know it also means a lot to him. He's buggered it up now though. Yes, it's unbelievable that theres no law about splitting childcare costs. Having two
Dc close together means double the cost. I'm thinking of going in to work and asking about doing another day. I know they wanted to increase my hours anyway. Obviously the downsides are my dd's will be in care for another day, away from me and also then if my salary increases, the help I get for childcare will go down I think?

Oh bloody hell.....it's a minefield!

JsOtherHalf Sat 23-Mar-13 16:19:58

Try the different figures in the calculator, you should be able to work out your finances would be.

mammadiggingdeep Sat 23-Mar-13 17:23:21

Thanks js...will do it tonight when DCs are in bed. Am hoping it's all doable for me. I know eventually when both are at school, I'll be able to provide quite well for them. It's just being part tune and the nursery fee thing that's going to cause trouble.

sallyfromthealley Sat 23-Mar-13 17:35:41

This thread is interesting to me as I am currently discussing access arrangements with ex. What if they refuse to have the children at all? (as in to be awkward/emotional blackmail.) What if they want to make life as difficult for you as possible and put themselves first, not the children? You can't make a man look after his children can you so what tactics can you use?

mammadiggingdeep Sat 23-Mar-13 17:42:46

Sorry to hear you're in the same boat Sally sad

Yeah, it's not until you're in the situation that you become aware of all the issues.

To be honest, I'm not really sure you can make someone see their children if they don't want to. Also, although it would infuriate me that je had walked away from his responsibilities, if a bloke didn't value my kids to spend time with them I wouldn't want him to be around them anyway (if that makes sense?)

mammadiggingdeep Sat 23-Mar-13 17:50:22

Thanks izzy, just seen your post from 14.35. The bit about him being a liar and cheat is something I've thought about and know I can't get over. How can I raise my children to be honest when a lying bastard also lives under our roof ?? He hasn't had the decency to admit and explain so he is STILL lying. I will want my children to learn the lesson that if they do something wrong in life, to be big enough people to tell the truth and take responsibility. How can I insist on these morals knowing I've accepted the opposite from their father??? No....there's no going back. Every time I feel sad and wobble I need to remember these things. I also need to remember that he chose this, not me.

mammadiggingdeep Sat 23-Mar-13 17:51:34

He's staying at his dads, heard this from my dsis in law

mammadiggingdeep Sat 23-Mar-13 17:53:54

Oh.....and hahaha quel surprise.....no estate agents?! Funny that eh????

ShipwreckedAndComatose Sat 23-Mar-13 18:30:06

You've got him figured!!

grin

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