Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Just told him I'm leaving......(82 Posts)
well, hoped I'd never be writing my own post like this
I have found he's cheated, pretty obvious and evidence too. He's denying even though it's clearly undeniable. Anyway, relationship was bad for a while so icing on the cake for me.
We are not married, been together 7 years, joint mortgage and 2 dc, 2years and one who is 8 months.
He is angry at the moment and is threatening all sorts.....selling house immediately, only dealing with access through solicitors etc. I wanted to keep it civil and reasonable.
What is the normal amount of access, I was thinking every other weekend and a night in week?? Isn't this usual? I'm main carer (do everything!!!), work 3 days but am on mat leave at moment. He works full time.
Please can you tell me what would happen if he did get solicitors involved??? Have any of you had similar experience of someone arguing about access before anythings even been sorted?!
Bit misleading title......didn't mean I was leaving the house....meant I was leaving relationship. Sorry. Haven't slept and my head is a wreck. I've asked him to leave btw, he's not at the moment.
Totally don't know what I'm talking about but didn't want you to go unanswered.
From what I've read on here over the years, every other weekend and one night in the week sounds spot on given that you are the primary carer.
Good for you for leaving - if you're as sure as you sound, then he's a prick, almost literally.
Sorry to hear what your going through. If I were you I would tell him to pack his bags and book an appointment with a solicitor , you can get a free Half hour. If he's the one that's cheated I'm not sure why he feels he has the right to be angry or dictate things. I wouldn't worry about things like contact just yet you've only just decided to split so get the basics sorted first x
Thank you both for replying. I think he's angry because he expected me to believe the rubbish excuses he was coming out with to explain the evidence. He also likes to control (refusing to talk about issues, ignoring me for a few days etc) so the fact I've finally taken control has really thrown him. Yes, just the basics at first sounds good. Bit worried as the childcare I had lined up for when I return to work is so expensive I wouldn't manage I dont think- hoping I'll now be eligible for tax credits. Bloody hell.....I never thought this would be happening to me.....
Thanks again x
It's very quiet on here today.
Regarding contact arrangements as they are called, there is not normal/usual set plan it has to be `in the best interests of the child'.
Does he know how much it will cost to go down the legal route? does he have plenty income for that?
The first thing that they would suggest is mediation so he would have to sit down with you and talk direct to you about it. There is lots of talk now about `shared care' being the best option for children but for all he says he has to work out how that would work in the best interests of the DC's. And as he seen the housing market recently - they are not selling fast.. I don't know anything about the legal implications of selling the family home - my only experience is with contact issues.
There are lots of web sites with info on that you can read and apply to your own situation. The CAFCASS web site if a good start.
Keep posting - it is a minefield when you start out but it will be for him to. I would say very little and do your homework.
Solicitor sounds good idea....thanks
Basically, never mind what he says. What happens is not wholly up to him.
Go and see a solicitor and discuss your options. Most solicitors give a free-half-hour consultation so find one who you feel suits you and understands you. You will be able to get advice about the family home, contact with DC and maintenance (every other weekend and one night in the week is fairly standard).
You can ask him to leave immediately, but if he refuses you can't throw him out and prevent him from returning unless he becomes violent or aggressive: however upsetting it is for the betrayed partner, adultery is not illegal and cannot be used as a justification to punish someone in any way other than by ending the relationship. Depending on the situation WRT who owns the family home, a court can order it to be sold or for one partner to buy the other out, but this can take time and it's better to reach an agreement between yourselves first.
Oh great.....thank you!!!! Think the mediator would think he was nuts....I've said I want what's best for DCs. They adore him and he is able to care for them- why would I cause trouble??? He wouldn't have money for solicitors really no, that's what I thought.
Thankyou so much for your help. Felt so overwhelmed today....kept having to remind myself that we won't end up on a street corner, starving!!!! I will manage.
Definitely go and see a solicitor and also the CAB for help with finances.
Try not to engage with him anymore. You have made your decision so take all the help you can to make sure you protect your interests and the interests of your children. So sorry. I hope you can get him to leave.
Thanks sgb!! He got nasty via text earlier saying he would sell and has asked 2 estate agents over tomorrow. I just replied "I think they probably need both of is to instruct a sale". He's trying to scare me. I would love to buy him out but I would need to borrow, if I can, I will. Perhaps I could even consider going back full time.
Yes, I need to keep quiet now and just get busy thinking of all my options.
Can't believe it's actually got to this. If he had even admitted to cheating and told me why (2 babies close together....lack of tine together, etc blah blah cliche???) then I prob would have tried to get over it. The total disrespect in denying what is so blatantly true....trying to make out like its all in my head....I can't live with the sheer disrespect. I deserve SO much more....I dint want my DCs in a home where lies are told and not admitted to and issues can't be discussed.
Even now it's clear you know what has been going on, he's still acting like a complete bastard. You say your relationship had been bad for a while - well, of course it had, he had checked out of it ages ago
OK - you will probably hate this idea, but don't dismiss it out of hand - think about it. Also, whether you go through with it is another thing - but tell him this. Tell him you are happy to organise access through solicitors if that's what he wants. Tell him you will be insisting on 50/50 shared care. This is important. Only then will he come around to accepting that he needs to be equally responsible for paying for childcare so you can both work, irrespective of where the children actually end up living and his meagre CSA will not cover that. Also, he needs to believe (for now at least) that he will still be (or rather, will become!) equally responsible for the children, he will not be swanning off living the bachelor life while you play drudge and bring up your children single handedly with him playing Disney Dad every other weekend - make that very clear. I understand that right now you just want to hold your babies close and not let that bastard take them away from you for a minute, let alone longer... but play the smart game, play the long game.
I'm really sorry you are in this shitty mess with this bastard
Sending sympathy your way - this recently happened to a friend of mine - she did throw him out and he went straight to OW - but even though he had moved in with her, he carried on denying it was anything other than a 'friendship'. As my friend pointed out, she must be very friendly if he didn't have to take any bedding with him.
st take some time to think about what you want - for yourself and the DC's. My friend also found it helpful to refuse texts and only answer to email,when she could control when she felt up to dealing with it. Is he still living in the FH?
I was tempted to put something like chipping has given how he is acting. I think it is worth a shot. I would try and do that face to face, as I am sure his face would be a picture.
He's sending you horrible texts - so fucking typical. Git.
You did well before just to reply as you did, keep calm and don't rise to the bait. Fucking idiot he really is.
Have you any idea how long it has been going on for?
Thankyou lovely ladies....so nice to know I'm not going crazy.....chipping..yes!!! He had checked out ages ago....around the time our first born was due to be born. I look back now and think maybe I had a bit if pnd as I clung to him and really accepted things thAt I'd never dream of putting up with now.
I'm not sure how long it's been going on for- maybe a few months but my instincts really kicked in about a month ago. I have a feeling she doesn't know about me and dc....he had changed screen saver on phone to an arty picture. First time since dc1 scan pic it hadn't been of our dc. Also think it's a work colleague..just a hunch. I'm surprised how unbothered I an about her at the moment. Almost seems irrelevant....not going to waste my energy on her.
Chipping- the idea about suggesting 50/50 sounds logical but you're right....the thought of 50 percent of my time being away from my gorgeous babies....I can't contemplate it!!!! It makes sense though and I follow you're thought process on it.
Bollocks. I wish I could wave a magic wand and have this all sorted.
Thanks for your replies- means a lot
As you're both named on a joint mortgage, neither of you can sell without the other's consent
Any estate agents who may call are unlikely to be too enthusiatic about taking the trouble to measure up/take photos etc and list a property where there's no guarantee they'll receive a fee no matter how many would-be buyers express an interest.
Having been exposed as a
legover merchant philanderer, he's resorted to the typical knee-jerk reaction of anger at having been discovered.
Once he realises he can't sell your home from under you without your agreement, and gets an inkling of the likely legal bill he'll accrue if he attempts to compel you to agree through the Courts, he may have a full scale tantrum - at which time simply dial 999, let the police cart him off, and apply for an occupation order which will go some way to teaching him that patience is a virtue he'd do well to acquire
By the same token, you can't sell or become sole owner/mortgagee without his consent but, as it's unlikely it would be in your best interests to sell your home at the present time, you can afford to sit back and wait for the penny to drop in his slot - at which point he may become amenable to negotiation of the kind where you buy him out for a sum that reflects the lack of hassle and estate agents/solicitors/conveyancers fees you may expect were you to jointly sell on the open market.
Instead of racking up legal bills in the immediate future, I would suggest you keep your powder dry and wait to see if he instructs a solicitor in respect of your home/contact with dc etc - bear in mind that if he does so, you can respond direct to any correspondence you may receive and there's enough of us around this and the legal matters board to give 'the other side' a run for his money without you having to fork out £££s for solicitors' letters.
He's a loathsome stupid sod, isn't he? But, although he won't change his nature, he'll learn to tone it down when he's dealing with you - we can make sure of that
Btw, should he stop paying his share of the mortgage repayments, get on to the lender, explain your circumstances, and I feel sure you'll be able to reach some satisfactory agreement.
Balia.....lol at the lack of bedding!!! Hahahaha x
Izzy......wow. Thankyou so much, such a helpful post. Yes, my fear was that he might leave as I've requested but then start to sod about with his part of payment.
Your comment about him toning it down is so spot on....I think he's already wondering where my strength is coming from. He would never have dreamt I would end it. He knows how much a family unit meant to me for our dc but my self respect means more now. My children need to have a good relationship role model and they just wouldn't have it the way it was going.
Yes- your comment regarding responding to solicitors letters myself is so helpful too. Cor, thank goodness for mumsnet and you clever ladies.
I felt so lost earlier today and I'm beginning to think I can bloody do this.
He's not home yet, am wondering if he's decided to stay elsewhere tonight as I requested (the request that kick started him into his tantrum texts)......
Do it, honey? You can more than do it... with all the willing hands here, you can do it with both of yours tied behind your back
As for responding to solicitors' letters yourself, after the end of this month there'll be no legal aid for divorce/family/housing matters and DIY in the form of self-representation will be necessary for many.
Seriously, if he gets shouty, starts chucking stuff around, DON'T HESITATE to dial 999. You've got 2 little dc to care for and neither you, nor they, need to witness a manchild kicking off and throwing his
bantam weight around.
You can do it!
I won't lie, there will be ups and downs but what you will learn about yourself will be worth it's weight in gold.
Keep calm and play it cold is my advice. don't be drawn into his games but keep your eye on what's important to you xx
Of course you can do it. You've been doing everything anyway and by the sounds of things, the only thing he's been contributing recently has been money. Otherwise, he's been Missing in Action.
The approach I'd take about contact is to tell him that on the contrary, you see the great opportunities there are with his plans to look after the children on his own as frequently as possible. Making their meals, doing their washing, getting them to sleep at night. What's not to like? It means you get a break, a reduced workload and can re-start your own social life.
Join the discussion
Please login first.