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Make a plan, bide my time & leave or try & make him see how stupid this is?

(90 Posts)

OK, I'll try not to dripfeed. DH can be EA - nasty personal comments, he's made me feel I've never been good enough etc. He belittles me in front of the DC & is very shouty. He admits he is always quick to lose his temper.

It got to the point last Friday where we had a make or break discussion - he doesn't see that he can be wrong, but as I'm so hard to live with hmm he agreed that he couldn't continue with things as they are. We agreed to make the effort over the weekend to stop our usual reactions to each other & try & get along. It worked OK. There has been the odd 'see this what I hate about you' when I've reacted to things, one of which was getting teary when I had a message from a friend saying her baby will be stillborn next week due to it having chromosomal abnormalities. Surely anyone with any compassion would be sad about that?

I got home from work at 6 last night & DS (2) wanted to go for a walk, so I got my coat back on & took him out for 10 mins. Got back & sat DS on the worktop, directly in front of me, while I made a coffee. DS 'helped' & started playing with a bit of pasta that DH had left in a pan. He was making a mess with it but really nothing that couldn't be cleared away with a bit of kitchen roll in 2 minutes.

DH took exception to this - one of his 'things' is how messy I am. I'm not messy at all - just not as obsessed with housework as he is.

To keep the peace I asked him to watch DS/take him off the worktop while I cleaned it up.

His response was 'No - we've been perfectly fine & tidy until you came home - you sort it out'. I asked him again to just take DS so I could sort it out & he started again saying no, how I'm so messy, it was all tidy til I came home etc etc.

I & tried to explain that I couldn't leave DS where he was, while I got the stuff to clean round with but got shouted over again, with some stupid comment about how 'good' it was of me to take DS for a walk when I got in.

God, this is so petty written down!

I know I need to separate from him. Ideally I'd like him to move out but he refusues, saying he'd never let the kids with me when I'm such a mess, why should he hand over everything he's worked hard for blah blah.

I don't want anything from him other than what I'm entitled to through building up whilst we've been married (13 years)

I've offered to go to a solicitor with him & arrange an mutually agreed settlement - I just get snidy comments about how I'd screw him into the ground as I'm such a money grabber.

I've worked full time throughout our marriage, with the exception or 2 x Mat Leave for the DC of 1 year each.

This is such a pointless rant - I just wanted to get it down.

Should I just bide my time now, see a solicitor & make a plan to end it or is it worth trying to get him to see how petty & silly he's being?

PottedPlant Sat 13-Apr-13 13:55:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

So today, during a row he instigated and called me a serial liar as I said I couldn't see any puddles, he says 'most women in your position would wonder if they were responsible'

Thinking he was talking about us not getting on I said I never blamed him 100% as I do argue with him since I'm sick of taking his shit.

Turns out he was referring to him using prostitutes confusedconfusedconfused

Fucking hell, there is truly no hope

mixedmamameansbusiness Fri 05-Apr-13 20:34:20

I could be the OP. I am planning on going back to work precisely do that I can get the funds together.

I have started keeping a log of his behaviour too.

TheSilveryPussycat Fri 05-Apr-13 19:50:14

I think they may be able to cover a fair bit seeing as you seem to have the facts at your fingertips. What I did was to read up about possible ways divorce could go on the Resolution website, before I consulted a sol (who I found by looking at the site).

Also think hard about what you would like to end up with at end of divorce, this gives you an aim (even if it turns out not to be possible in the event)

I can have lots of financial info to hand & would rather do specifics than general stuff IYKWIM

If I can find a solicitor that does a free consultation how much will they actually cover with me re my specific situation in that session?

Lueji Tue 02-Apr-13 14:20:27

Talk to a solicitor.

I know. Getting him out us another matter though. I'm at a loss as to how to physically get him out

He. Has. To. Go.

In the past he has had moments of clarity where he's admitted that the way he speaks to me is no better than if he were beating me.

It's just his total lack of empathy that I find hurtful.

In the past he has used adult chat sites, trawled the web looking for hookers, etc

Yesterday I mentioned that I had found an email address belonging to him, and seen evidence that he'd been visiting chat sites again.

That's when he really blew up, calling me fat & stupid, telling me he didn't care that I'd seen that stuff.

Then sulking at me when I got home.

This morning he tried to blame DD's tantrum for us falling out hmm

Op, the scales have fallen from your eyes, and you are planning your exit from this relationship, excellent news!

You are halfway there now that you have detached from him and see much of his behaviour as laughable.

I wish you strength to do what needs to be done.

Silvery very true, it's something I've spent a lot of time pondering as well.

Good luck detaching Having - don't let him spoil good times with DC!

TheSilveryPussycat Tue 02-Apr-13 08:25:06

I suspect even he doesn't know. It is a pattern so ingrained in them that in many cases they hardly notice they are doing it. sad (IMHO and experience of one EA relationship it isn't really a choice they make, as many seem to think. They are superior and know best, the rest follows.

Unfortunately not Silvery, jobs took us away from family & close friends a few years ago.

Friends we've made in the area are fab, but not that type of friend IYKWIM.

I work so am out of the house today. I will use that time wisely!

I wonder what he hopes to achieve? Asides from the obvious, what is his ultimate goal in all this? hmm

TheSilveryPussycat Tue 02-Apr-13 01:31:01

Channel that anger. Aim for the steely sort of anger.

Are friends or parents a short term possibility? this would at least give you headspace and time to think.

God, I need to speed up my plan.

DD had a temper tantrum this morning as we were getting ready to go out.

DH said she had to stay home with him, I disagreed as I didn't want to leave her home with him whilst I took DS.

Ended up DH staying at home whilst I took the DCs out.

Got home at tea time, he's not spoken to me since, just done lots if criticism of me via 'conversation' with 2 ur old DS.

He's sulking with DD too.

I'm so fucking angry with him confused

That's so kind smile

This weekend has been okay, we've done some lovely things with the DCs and I've managed to get out for a run every day so have had a bit of head space.

When I run I look for potential properties to rent! Killing 2 birds with one stone!! grin

TinTinsSexySister Sat 30-Mar-13 22:18:02

A pleasure, Having.

How are you doing today? PM me if you'd like and/or keep posting here.

There are plenty of MNetters here who are more knowledgable than me but I'd be happy to be on the end of an email/phone if you need it.

Onwards and upwards wink

TinTin - thank you smile

TinTinsSexySister Fri 29-Mar-13 20:26:26

Hello Having, I have just stumbled on this thread, and I want to say to you:

I am so unbelievably proud of you for coming to this point. To do so means you are intelligent, strong and a wonderful mother.

grin

I have been in an EA relationship and so much of what you say resonates. I didn't see it until after he left me and I did a lot of CBT. You have seen it for yourself and are going to act on it. This makes you amazing.

AMAZING. Say it to yourself in the mirror.

In the short term there are some obstacles ahead but in the long term only freedom, joy and plenty of good things.

This man, this man you are about to leave, is a grade A cunt. It doesn't matter how he got to be this way, people go through worse who are nice.

He will play games. Use RL friends (mine were amazing and even though I had neglected them - been made to - they came for me when I needed them and stuck me back together), family and MN when you feel wobbly.

You are going to do this. Hurrah for you!

That is funny! smilesmilesmile

ladymalfoy Thu 28-Mar-13 17:35:16

It was well therapeutic ! He cried for his mum.

Haha Lady - the chair thing sounds good grin

I sometimes look at him and want to hit him really hard.

I never would but a chair dream may relieve that!

Lovingfreedom Thu 28-Mar-13 15:45:06

I agree with Jax. It's amazing how many friends you find you have once you dump the loser. Go for it!

ladymalfoy Thu 28-Mar-13 15:25:25

Watching what you want on TV? Eating peanut butter off the spoon from the jar? Two nights after I left Ihad a dream where I hit my ex with a chair. Lots and lots of times. Happy days. We love you darling and your little darlings.

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