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So lost and vulnerable right now

(3 Posts)
Charlie97 Fri 22-Mar-13 07:24:34

Bit of background info, been married coming up 24 years. Assuming we get thereconfused

We have had a dreadful three years, teenage son gone right off the rails, ending in a court appearance. But this was the shock he needed, now dropped all those friends. Still nether the less, huge stress and permanent damage from what went on.

I up until 15 months ago, had been in a job I loved, wonderful people, great perks and salary and then made redundant. In a blind panic, took a new job and hated it, now three weeks into a third job. This seems to be going well,but still stressful starting again.

Our sex life up until recently had always been good, we had a loving relationship and sex was just part of that.

Things have taken a dramatic turn, my once loving husband and friend, has turned on me, almost overnight. So much has happened in the last month. I cannot remember the order clearly. It started with him being distant and not coming near me for affection let alone sex. I tried to talk to him, but blank wall. I tried to initiate sex one night and he slapped me, across my lower back area, he left a bruise the shape of his fingers on me. I found porn on his phone, asked him about it and he said that he had no libido and was trying to improve things, I explained it was not the way and no replacement for a loving relationship.

Sometime at the begging of last week, yet another's row ensued, can't remember what about, but it escalated to a screaming match. I eventually called it a night and went to bed. He was on annual leave, so the Tuesday morning, he wanted the car and therefore was dropping me off to my new job. He absolutely demeaned me in the car, he took the piss out of my using the computer for games etc, irrelevant nonsense, he told me I had horrible habits, when stressed, my head itches and I scratch, then itch, it gets sore, it gets worse. I can't help it and its a stress thing, I am very very stressed at the moment. He had me in floods if tears, bearing in mind, that I have only been in this job 3 weeks and could not go in looking like I'd been crying. Luckily we were early, I got out of the car, went o local coffee shop, washed face and got to work. He didn't bother to pick me up, so I got bus home.

I was then an outcast in my own home, for days after work, I would come in, he would be in front of tv with two sons and if I walked in, I was like an outcast, making it difficult for DSs, so each night I just ate my dinner and went to bedroom.

By the Friday, DSs were going out, so I tried to talk to H, he was too tired to talk! I tried Saturday morning, he was too tired as he had been at work, I didn't try Saturday evening. I tried again on Sunday morning, he was in bed, so I went into him, it didn't work, he went spare at me. I conceded that I would leave it, I got up walked to the door, had my hand on the handle, he got up out of bed got between me and the door and waved his phone in my face and said go on Have another look at those pictures. I asked why he did that, he said because you looking at them, is just another thing that winds me up about you. I hit him, I know I was wrong, I can't believe I did it, but I did.

We were supposed to be going out with his extended family for lunch, clearly I would not be going. I went food shopping, came back and he suddenly started helping me. He then said why don't you come with me. I absolutely went mad, he has put me through hell, then wants me smile nicely at lunch. He said that he would say that I just didn't like them so wouldn't go, I said that's fine, say that, but I have their email addresses and would mail each and everyone and tell the truth. He went alone.

He returned and had changed back, he sobbed, apologised, begged forgiveness, said he is suffering from depression, due to all the stress.

Bits I have missed out along the way are, my saying do you not want me? Him replying do you blame me? Him ridiculing the way I've made love, things I have done etc

This may sound all about the sex, it's not, I would not care about sex, if he would just have cuddled me and told me he loved me, that he needed me etc etc. but he would not come near me.

It's now nearly a week on, I can't look at him, I am so so hurt. He is bending over backwards, but can't answer why when I was leaving the room, he felt the need to ridicule me unnecessarily. I can't get out of my mind, the very personal nasty things he said, the ridicule of my love making.

We did make love on Monday, not a very pleasant experience, I couldn't relax and ended up in tears, he was understanding and loving and sorry and will wait and blah blah blah.

How after all the years together have we come to lashing out?

How could he not support me when I had the pressure of a new job?

I am lost, I feel I have lost my friend and husband in one go, I am normally a very strong person, but I have nothing to give anymore. I just want to work, eat and sleep.

Lueji Fri 22-Mar-13 08:23:41

I think he realised that you'd leave him if he continued to be like that and he's now in the honey moon phase.
Then you can be blamed for not being nice to him.

From what you say, it is possible that some of your behaviour could have been better, but he should never have demeaned you.
It's very sad when it gets to that.

Not sure what to say.
I suspect the cycle will start over again, unless you make your boundaries very clear.

Maybe tell him you need some time to think how you want to proceed?

Oh Charlie, how horrible. I can totally understand why you are feeling so horrible. The way he has behaved is awful, truly awful. You deserve so much better.

If I were you, I would take a step back and look at it again. Maybe the way he is behaving is his reaction to the stressful time you have had with your DS? It seems so strange that you have had so many happy years and then suddenly he is a different person. Maybe he does deserve the benefit of the doubt if he really is sorry.

That said, his behaviour is still unacceptable. You need to make sure he fully understands this and as Lueji says, make your boundaries very clear. One way or another you have to move forward (for the sake of your own happiness) - so decide that you are going to do it and set aside time for a long conversation. In your head, you need to be sure that he is the person you know and love.

I feel so sad for you.......and a little for him too. I hope it works out.

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