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Caught my husband out he has been seeing someone else.

(437 Posts)
Inrealshock Thu 21-Mar-13 09:41:50

Name change for me as i am so devastated. Hes on a business trip at the moment but was sent random texts between her and himfor the prior 48 hours which somehow i think maybe because if icloud landed on my ipad including a naked phot of herself which she had sent him. He replied shes a 10/10 and perfect - shes a good 10 years younger than me. They were planning to meet in a restaurant and go on to a hotel room. The last year I have suffered from breast cancer and had various operations and i know that it all strted in December when i was just bck from hospital after my fourth operation. He knows I know and is getting a flight home this morning. I hardly slept last night and am holding it together for the kids. I have though in a fierce rage cut up numerous suits ties and shirts. From the conversations we have had he is blaming the cancer as having affected him. I have done my best to make him happy we do have a sex life but my body and breasts are scarred from all the operations including a mastectomy and reconstruction. I felt i had turned a corner with the cancer which was only diagnosed last July - his fling with her started in December - he assures me it was just kissing but i know they had a hotel room lined up. Sorrybfor the rambling - he gets back at luchtime - what shall i do ?

onefewernow Fri 29-Mar-13 22:26:06

Have a good break and Erving letting him do the slog .

Enjoy your holiday and yes, as others said, make sure you allow plenty of time for yourself. We're all behind you.

badinage Fri 29-Mar-13 20:18:29

Have a really good break, love. Carve out some thinking time for yourself and make sure that drama llama does most of the donkey work.

Have a lovely relaxing time and know that Mumsnet is supporting you all the way.

newbiefrugalgal Fri 29-Mar-13 19:59:44

Enjoy your holiday, I hope you things become a bit clearer or that you can get some rest and space!

Inrealshock Fri 29-Mar-13 18:20:14

Feeling a bit stronger but still very confused. I want to forgive him but not sure I can. We are going on holiday now so i doubt i will post anything for the next couple of weeks. Thank you so much everyone for all your help. I have had so much kindness from so many strangers this year that it is quite overwhelming.

cjel Fri 29-Mar-13 11:05:19

Isn' t it amazing what the 'weak - ill - mental'partner deals with !!!

fengirl1 Thu 28-Mar-13 22:36:15

Cjel, that has brought to mind the occasion when I took my two week old to the drs and then to the hospital as we (my x and me) had realised she didn't appear to be able to see anything.... He just said 'you'll be all right on your own wont you' - for that read 'I'm gutless and can't face it so I'll let you deal with it alone'. As it turns out, she's not totally blind, but does have a severe visual impairment. The pattern was repeated many times over the subsequent years.

cjel Thu 28-Mar-13 22:26:06

I just remembered that I found a breast lump once. I took 3 days to pluck up courage to tell DH. He didn't even stop shaving and said what are you telling me for go and see dr. I did,got referred asked if he could take me to hosp appt. he said yes but never spoke about it - ever all the time we waited for appt, at the hosp or when we came out. He said it was too hard for him!! This was all in the context of my DS having it when she was in her 30s. I forgot how crap he was!!

LifeMovesOn Thu 28-Mar-13 22:18:54

You sound so much stronger smile

My friend had a particularly aggressive form of breast cancer diagnosed two years ago. Whilst her husband wasn't cheating on her, their life together was governed by his oppressive, moody and unpleasant nature. When she found out about her cancer, she went home and told him, explained she had to go into hospital for a mastectomy, followed by chemo and radiography. his reply was not to offer support, but to ask "who would be cooking his tea, then?".

She spent the night thinking about it and realised that if she survived her cancer, she didn't want to be married to this person any more. And if she died, she didn't want to be married to him either.

She was divorced before the end of her treatment and has never been happier.

She decided life was too short to put up with constantly being second best. Her two sons supported her and are very happy for her, they finally saw what their father's priority was - himself - and that mum was their true hero.

Keep true to yourself, is her motto x

cjel Thu 28-Mar-13 20:33:34

Wow just checked in tonight and couldn't believe all your nice replies. Thank you (I think I may ave something in my eye) How are you today OP?x

Mosman Wed 27-Mar-13 23:47:53

Such s great post C x

EggyFucker Wed 27-Mar-13 23:27:07

cjel, that is seriously impressive

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 27-Mar-13 23:24:57

Cjel hats off to you that is something to be proud of.

Inrealshock Wed 27-Mar-13 23:16:17

Thank you cgel ! Xxx

cjel Wed 27-Mar-13 21:16:03

Thank you. Glad to inspire!! I was someone who 'struggled' with nerves for years as well. OP it really is greener on the other side for me.

onefewernow Wed 27-Mar-13 21:11:19

Cjel, that us a truly inspiring story.

cjel Wed 27-Mar-13 19:39:38

I have blossomed in the last 18months. I did have days when I'd pass 'them' driving around and hardly get home through the tears and cry myself to sleep. I have moved to my own lovely house,(found builders plumbers electricians kitchen fitters, plasters)changed churches, started to run a toddler group I , I had eleven friends round last night!!! I could go on and on.. He wouldn't know any of the people I call friends now, I have never had friends like this before(we were together 35 yrs since 16) and although I have occasional times when I feel sorry for myself most of the time I can't fit in all I want to do. I haven't been out with anyone else and although I would love that someone special, decided to live my life how I want and if I meet someone thats a bonus.I have such compassion for him as although hes supposed to be happy with her the rest of his life is a mess and he looks awful.I'm not just rushing about for the sake of it, I do have days when I don't talk to anyone but its been fantastic. I remember you said your illness made you reassess how you want your life to be and I can honestly say that really she has done me a favour. I didn't wait for him to chose I led everything,settlement, moving out, selling house etc. he did nothing unless I pushed it. I'd advise take the time you need but make sure the choices you make are for you, it won't all be rosy but most of it has been and I wouldn't go back. I would have to meet a very special person to fit them in now!!!

badinage Wed 27-Mar-13 19:27:55

Isn't it only your husband saying that the OW knew about your cancer though?

When you spoke to her, she said she hadn't known about that. Plus I think it's unlikely he'd volunteer that info to her, lest she developed a conscience and wouldn't have an affair. I suppose he might have done the 'poor me, exhausted from looking after my sick wife' act, but the OW would have been spectacularly unconscienced to have agreed to an affair within that context.

Bear in mind it's in his interests to get you to hate the OW even more than you do, because that takes the heat off him.

Whether she knew or not though, what's indisputable is that he knew.

His mental health is just fine I should think. The thing that no doubt ails him most is selfishness.

mathanxiety Wed 27-Mar-13 19:22:37

Nobody is giving out medals for being a good person here.

Be careful that your need to forgive isn't simply a need to have some calm and a desire to put it behind you that arises out of an inkling of the scale of it. It won't go away even if you forgive. It will always be there.

You need time to really process this (you are still right in the thick of it) before you will be able to think straight or get through a day without the rollercoaster feeling.

Inrealshock Wed 27-Mar-13 19:20:26

Yes he is full of self loathing . God I just do not know what to do. Part of me wonders if he has some form of mental health issue

Inrealshock Wed 27-Mar-13 19:18:28

How is your life now cjel are you happy with your decision

cjel Wed 27-Mar-13 19:15:50

Def Not together, I too was just coming to the end of counselling for something else but it wasn't specific like yours so I carried it on for about a year it helped me through all the stages, It was brilliant.

Inrealshock Wed 27-Mar-13 19:09:03

Did you bother having marriage counselling or just individual counselling ? I am just at the end of a course of cancer counselling I am just sick of counselling and feel that I want no more !

AThingInYourLife Wed 27-Mar-13 19:07:38

I'm not defending her in the least.

But he knew you had breast cancer.

He knew you were fighting for your life.

Sure, it takes someone pretty cheap to shag the spouse of someone having cancer treatment.

But to be the person cheating on your seriously ill spouse?

Who is that person? Where is their humanity?

What is the worth of a person who justifies such monstrous behaviour by saying it made them feel alive?!

To say that to someone who was facing their own possible death within the past 6 months is mind fucking boggling.

You say he is remorseful. It's hard to imagine the kind of remorse that could even come close to making up for such wanton, evil selfishness.

You were at risk of dying, and he put your health at risk so he could "have something for himself."

How can he live with himself?

He should be full of (entirely justified) self-loathing. Is he?

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