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My DH is conducting a flirty private message chat on Facebook - not with me!

(747 Posts)
JoySchtick Wed 20-Mar-13 23:41:40

I saw on my DH's Facebook messages that he has been flirting with a woman - 'ooh you're so sexy', 'you're very cute', she putting kisses on messages.

It is definitely in no way innocent and just friends but I really don't think they have DTD. It all seems like the beginning of something rather than that they have gone the whole way.

I had an inkling there was something not right and so I snooped.

I do not have any DCs - he does, not with me, from a previous relationship.

I feel weirdly calm and shaky at the same time but what do I do?

Do I confront him? But that could just mean that he is more careful to hide it in future. I don't want to bust in all guns blazing - I want to do what is right for me! I just don't know what my options are.

I hate lies and I can't cope with them at all.

Advice anyone?

EverybodysSootyEyed Thu 21-Mar-13 22:23:48

he wouldn't have an affair because he's catholic? didn't you say he is divorced? Or does he only stick to some bits of Catholicism?

I would leave him to stew as he is probably really confused about what you know and is trying to get something out of you as a guide!

LondonNinja Thu 21-Mar-13 22:25:17

Let him sweat, I say. If you've had enough confrontation, that's good enough. I think he'll work himself into a frenzy of protesting too much or will do the wholly original dinner, chocolates and flowers farce thing tomorrow if you haven't clouted him with the book and laptop before then

Distrustinggirlnow Thu 21-Mar-13 22:26:04

Oh and you're spot on to keep quiet.

Ask him if being catholic also prevents him from having an inappropriate friendship.....

whateverhernameis Thu 21-Mar-13 22:31:55

I am so sorry that he is lying to you. Not a shred of remorse there, or guilt, just trying to turn it all back on you. This is what they do... Read the Mid Life Crisis script on here. It has sadly been needed by quite a few posters in the past week sad

and regarding the first wife.....I filed for divorce for Unreasonable Behaviour after my XH walked out suddenly and I later discovered facebook flirty chats, 100 texts a day and emails, all behind my back. No actual proof of adultery, so it had to be UB....

You know what your H is doing, you know that he has lied to you. My XH did the same when I confronted him.

aftereight Thu 21-Mar-13 22:34:18

I hate to say this, but I found similar messages to you, with arrangements to 'finally' meet. I was relieved that I confronted before anything physical happened. Except that after confronting him I found out that it already had.
I hope this isn't the case for you, but please be prepared for unexpected revelations.

JoySchtick Thu 21-Mar-13 22:35:32

Xales it is a bit strange that I found out even though he was advising OW on hiding the evidence. He underestimated me.

He put password protection on the computer sometime last year - it was when we got a new computer and we all, including DCs, got our own log ins.

DH is admin on the computer and he set the password on my account, so he can see my stuff if he should want to and I can't see his. When I asked if I could set my own password, because if he can have privacy then so can I, he said no. So that was a bit hmm.

I only wanted privacy so I could try out some creative writing type stuff and not feel inhibited.

A combination of him being sort of, hmm...distant, detached...can't put my finger on it, and all the passwords just made me wonder a bit.

Just around the time he met the OW again after years and years (I think) he left something lying around, a notebook and it had a word in it which just made my brain go ..click, click, click - that's the password. And it was.

When I looked at the browsing history I saw loads of records of looking at this woman's photos and maybe a couple of messages. So hmm again.

Then last night I wondered if it was his FB password too. And it was. And then I saw it, drunken messages streaming in live from both of them. I only caught a glimpse of what they were saying but it didn't look good. I checked and copied today - but not all the messages and now he has a new password.

LondonNinja Thu 21-Mar-13 22:38:00

So, he won't let you have a password, but he had one and has now changed the one he had?!

YellowTulips Thu 21-Mar-13 22:41:19

I would simply tell him what you have found and ask "is there any reason why I should consider staying in this relationship with you - because I sure as hell can't think of one".

Then sit back feign complete disinterest/apathy and see what he says.

He is having his ego stroked. Don't join in. Show indifference. See what he says and watch his true colours show.

Xales Thu 21-Mar-13 22:42:15

He can have passwords but you can't! WTAF! That is just wrong. Sorry sad

From what you have said I wouldn't put it past him to be monitoring what you do on the pc. Controls are good for kids, not for other adults.

Changed password is bad. He has realised where you have got information just not how much and so is not sure how to minimise.

I don't know how you can move on from this. He is busy covering up rather than fessing up.

It will become too little too late if he does bother.

LondonNinja Thu 21-Mar-13 22:43:07

Thank goodness you have copies, Joy. He doesn't need to know (at any point) that you didn't have time to get the whole lot...

He must be shitting himself. Wanker.

JoySchtick Thu 21-Mar-13 22:44:51

Thank you everyone.

It's a big help just to be on here chatting away. It makes me feel less lonely. Just typing that word 'lonely' gave me a lump in my throat.

Thank you for the wine Distrusting but I will stick to fruit tea as I want to stay as calm as possible and say as little as possible. Some people have said that wine makes me talk rubbish, but I find that hard to believe.

LondonNinja Thu 21-Mar-13 22:48:02

How ever much wine you had, you'd not talk as much crap as he's spouting!

Really hope you are OK. This must be a dreadful shock. Do you have someone in RL to talk to about all this? Us lot will be here, of course smile

Tortington Thu 21-Mar-13 22:49:34

"When I asked if I could set my own password, because if he can have privacy then so can I, he said no."

why did you ask? I would have stated. You are not a child.

anyway, whats done is done. I think keeping your powder dry is a good thing.

do you own a house, anything of value, do you share debt?

HmmmWhatAMess Thu 21-Mar-13 22:52:07

Hi Joy. I have recently been through something similar, I'm so sorry I'm not the only one.

My advice to you would be consider your every move - whatever it may be. When I kept finding more I confronted him almost immediately and I wish I didn't. I put all of my cards on the table and it just enabled him to deceive me in other ways.

JoySchtick Thu 21-Mar-13 22:53:25

LondonNinja yes, he had a secret password and I had a password which he knew. Knows in fact.

When I asked for my own password I ended up apologising for being unreasonable about it. Not sure how he got me to see it that way. Ho-hum.

He has changed his FB password and may have changed the computer one, I'm not going to check because I've seen enough. It's the dishonesty that matters to me and not what they have or have not done physically.

Ref. the first marriage and divorce; he always spoke very reasonably of it all before we were married and then afterwards it became all her fault. hmm

You see again there is a lack of respect for the truth which just doesn't work for me at all.

Snazzynewyear Thu 21-Mar-13 23:02:02

Yes, what are your shared assets? Would there be much of a problem in separating your finances?

If you aren't sure how to play it yet, then keep quiet. It seems to be at least partly effective. I think you have your answer though in that he seems to be thinking that denying and blaming for long enough will wear you down and you will tacitly agree to forget it. But this is no way to live. The password issue itself shows that he has always been set on being able to do things without you knowing, while not affording you the same 'privilege'. I would start quietly sorting your stuff out while he is stonewalling like this.

Snazzynewyear Thu 21-Mar-13 23:03:33

So he still knows your password to the computer and presumably only he can change it? Just think about anything else of yours he has access to and change any other passwords if you can.

JoySchtick Thu 21-Mar-13 23:04:14

grin Ninja

With regards to property and debt we each have our own. My property is let out though so I will not have access for ages.

He has just given me two very expensive pens which he said he bought as a present for me for our recent wedding anniversary. He said that he didn't get round to giving them to me as I didn't give him a card until the evening and so then he just gave me a card too and not a present. Now he feels he was childish for doing that.

These pens are a very generous gift and from what I gather there is a tradition of giving them to his DCs when they reach voting age. The youngest turns 18 very soon.

I'm not ungrateful but they are not my kind of thing at all,maybe I will offer to give them back at some point.

LondonNinja Thu 21-Mar-13 23:06:57

Sell them on ebay, Joy. Seriously.

Wait - has he literally just given you the pens?!?!?! Dear God. He'll be in with a bouquet of flowers next.

JoySchtick Thu 21-Mar-13 23:08:08

Good idea. I will password protect what I can. Don't know how to do it for my laptop though. Will read manual.

ProphetOfDoom Thu 21-Mar-13 23:11:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Xales Thu 21-Mar-13 23:12:22

He just have them to you right now? Why?

I think he is lying to make you feel bad again.

They are what he planned to give to his child as the tradition.

They are too make you feel guilty that you doubted him because he brought you such a fine present.

If he did buy them for you what sort of tit for tat hit was he to hold onto them? Apart from punishing you.

Also a similar present to what he would buy his 18 yeast old child shows that he considers you at their level compared to him. Same as with the password actually. You are not his equal.

What is the age gap between you?

JoySchtick Thu 21-Mar-13 23:13:49

Yes, he has literally just given me the pens. He must have felt that tea and cat food were not cutting the mustard.

I don't even eat cat food

Snazzynewyear Thu 21-Mar-13 23:14:12

It's not that generous a gift if they're not your thing at all. That just sounds as if he has looked around desperately for something to mollify you with and has decided that the pens (destined for the children) will do. Ninja is right, it will be underwear, flowers or Milk Tray in a minute...

Is there anyone you could go and stay with for a while or get a short term let? I really would start to think about these options. And I would think about what is in the house that you contributed to, even if the house itself is his. He is clearly still pursuing a policy of hoping he can get you to overlook the whole thing.

Madlizzy Thu 21-Mar-13 23:14:33

My dh splurged everything as soon as he saw the look on my face that said I'd sussed him. He couldn't believe how much of a dick he'd been, and we actually started talking more than we'd done for a long while. It took time but I do now trust him. Your h is a different kettle of fish, methinks.

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