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My DH is conducting a flirty private message chat on Facebook - not with me!

(747 Posts)
JoySchtick Wed 20-Mar-13 23:41:40

I saw on my DH's Facebook messages that he has been flirting with a woman - 'ooh you're so sexy', 'you're very cute', she putting kisses on messages.

It is definitely in no way innocent and just friends but I really don't think they have DTD. It all seems like the beginning of something rather than that they have gone the whole way.

I had an inkling there was something not right and so I snooped.

I do not have any DCs - he does, not with me, from a previous relationship.

I feel weirdly calm and shaky at the same time but what do I do?

Do I confront him? But that could just mean that he is more careful to hide it in future. I don't want to bust in all guns blazing - I want to do what is right for me! I just don't know what my options are.

I hate lies and I can't cope with them at all.

Advice anyone?

Xales Thu 21-Mar-13 19:01:18

What is the point in making him call the OW? He can lie, act innocent and contrite, call/text her as soon as your back is turned and cover his tracks better from now on.

Your H has got to the stage of arranging meet ups. He has gone beyond just conversation.

Intention is as good as the deed to me. He had/has every intention on cheating on you given the chance.

Why waste your time giving him that chance?

I hope you work it out.

Cabrinha Thu 21-Mar-13 20:00:54

Honestly? I'd walk away.
A bit of flirting - but going on into sex fantasies?

If you had had an amazing relationship previously, I might say counselling. But you said up thread you think he'd be controlling about this and deny it or BLAME YOU!!

Fuck that. If you expect that kind of reaction, what's he like now.

I had similar but different, am now married to the guy and whilst I'd never regret our child, should have walked. Should have valued myself more. It WRECKED our relationship. It's still there, in my head, years later. We will divorce one day. We're only not divorced now because I'm going through the "I don't want to split up my child's family and home" angst.

Seriously - is this really acceptable?

Boosterseat Thu 21-Mar-13 20:15:31

Agreeing with xales here, the intention is there so in his mind he's already DTD.

Facebook really can be the pits, but its done you a favour and shown his true colours and callous intentions.

Don't make him call the OW - as others have said if he is truly remorseful he should be taking all the action to correct his behaviour, you have done nothing wrong.

Please don't spend your life snooping and looking over your shoulder it's not worth the pain, as others have said the niggling feeling never seems to go away and you will find yourself hoping to catch him out so you can make a clean break mentally.

If you don't feel like you can compose yourself when confronting him could you write a letter? You could hand it to him, pop out for a walk to clear your head then see what type of man you return to?

Ahhhcrap Thu 21-Mar-13 20:20:04

Does it matter if he lies or you don't have proof! (Although you do) you've already seen what he's up to.

Does it matter how you handle it? Frankly I think you just let him have it! If you cry, so what! It's for him to fix this if you want him to..

His reaction will give you an idea of if you want to give him another chance.. As for him doing it again but being more careful - you'll never trust him fully again (I know) and this is the joys of staying with a liar.. Just because he hasn't slept with her yet doesn't mean he hasn't broken the bond or your trust and betrayed you

JoySchtick Thu 21-Mar-13 21:38:43

Right, well I've just confronted him and asked who is this Space Invader woman.
I didn't say how I knew or show him any evidence.

He denied it. Just denied it.

Then he started saying he was too tired for this kind of thing, that he'd been to the doctors again today because he is so stressed and ill the whole time, there was tutting and shaking of the head.

I didn't know what to say or do because I hadn't banked on him just denying it. So I said exactly that to him - "I don't know what to do now because I didn't think you would just lie to me"

He asked me what I was talking about, why I was asking him about her in particular and that I might as well be asking about anyone.

Then he started complaining about our marriage. He said that there wasn't anything dodgy going from his side but that we don't have a shared life etc,

Now he's gone out in the car.

I am shaking, trembling as if I was somewhere that is minus 30 degrees.

Xales Thu 21-Mar-13 21:44:54

Sorry he hasn't shown any hint of remorse sad

He has instantly turned this on you and that your marriage is bad. That would be something to do with him spending his quality time on another woman I would guess hmm

He will be busy contacting her going deny deny deny and deleting all evidence.

He may leave the innocuous just friendly communications to prove that it is innocent and you are 'mad'.

When he comes back to show his evidence and to accuse you of being paranoid. Don't confront him with your evidence or argue. Stay silent. Leave him to fill in the gaps. It is funny how unnerving that can be and what it can reveal.

LondonNinja Thu 21-Mar-13 21:50:45

Oh bloody hell, OP. Horrible situation...

He's probably going to go out and have a think about how to play it - after all he's clueless as to how much you know. Don't be surprised if he tries to get you to show your hand, when it should be him bloody well explaining!

I have a feeling he will come back and minimise the whole thing, start blaming you, drag the 'state' of your marriage into it and add a good sprinkling of 'you have no idea how stressed and unhappy I am' crap to deflect his behaviour. There's a slim chance he will come clean, but I'd be surprised, tbh.

Have you got someone in RL you can call on now?

Plumsofgold Thu 21-Mar-13 21:53:29

I would go on to his FB, do a bit of snooping and find her poor husband and send him the screenshots.

something2say Thu 21-Mar-13 21:56:10

Hello op. another stranger holding your hand.

Why don't you show him the emails and then see what he says? And anything about how the marriage issues caused it, you could ask why he didn't tackle that head on instead of starting something behind your back.

Hugs x

JoySchtick Thu 21-Mar-13 21:59:42

He is back, with cat food. He was only gone very briefly so maybe a quick text to OW. Or maybe he had already put his affairs in order ref. deleting messages etc.

He is staying downstairs. I am upstairs.

I will not say anything else to him. I have a feeling he is not going to say much else to me.

Perhaps he is hoping to brazen it out, mixed perhaps with making out I am mad and deluded. I happen to know that I am not.

Xales Thu 21-Mar-13 22:03:08

Did you need cat food?

Xales Thu 21-Mar-13 22:04:33

oops hit post there.

Seems a strange thing to go out and get at such a moment hmm

JoySchtick Thu 21-Mar-13 22:05:49

Yes, we needed cat food and it somehow slipped my mind today to buy any.

Gave the cats tuna instead. It's an ill wind etc etc.

From my last post to now he has treated me to an extended version of previous 'issues' in our marriage.

paintyourbox Thu 21-Mar-13 22:09:02

Perhaps you should tell him that the real issue in your marriage is that he is a fucking liar and then present him with the screenshots.

What an arse. You deserve way, way better.

I know you say you don't suspect he has had affairs before bit something must have prompted you to look at his Facebook?

paintyourbox Thu 21-Mar-13 22:09:39

BUT not bit...

JoySchtick Thu 21-Mar-13 22:09:46

At the end of the rant he went into the next room moaned and groaned a bit, then asked if I wanted a cup of tea.

Also he asked me how I thought he felt when he accidentally opened an Amazon parcel for me and found Lundy Bancroft, 'Should I Stay or Should I Go?'

Xales Thu 21-Mar-13 22:10:26

Don't lower yourself to an exchange about your marriage. You really do know the truth.

You also now know he thinks you are as thick as poo.

I wonder if he wanted you to find out. Seems strange that he would tell her how to erase her history and leave himself wide open to discovery.

JoySchtick Thu 21-Mar-13 22:12:28

Ok, he came back again and told me with some passion that he would never be able to have an affair as he was brought up Catholic. Other men might but he wouldn't.

He seems to be getting quite worked up

I am not saying anything if at all possible.

LondonNinja Thu 21-Mar-13 22:12:48

Ask him how he thought you'd feel when you happened upon his texts to that other woman and that you'll now be consulting the book, thanks but that there doesn't seem to be much reason to stay as he is such a bloody liar

ChateauCollapso Thu 21-Mar-13 22:14:16

He's clearly guilty and wants time to think up some lies. Hope you'll be OK. xx

LondonNinja Thu 21-Mar-13 22:14:39

Actually, staying quiet is brilliant, as Xales said. He's taking the rope, reeling it out...

He's protesting too much, isn't he?

I'm sorry this is happening. How bloody awful.

JoySchtick Thu 21-Mar-13 22:17:28

Your messages and his self-righeousness are making me smirk.

I am not going to show him the messages I copied yet. I want to keep my powder dry. Don't know what for really, just feel the confrontation is quite enough for today.

Buying the cat food and offering tea, he's showing me what a good bloke he is, isn't he.

Xales Thu 21-Mar-13 22:20:25

He has been to the Dr, he is tired and stressed but he still heroically struggled out for cat food and is making you tea. Not only is he showing you what a good bloke he is, he is showing you what an evil woman you are as he has done this while in such a bad state 'for you'.

A decent none blaming conversation about your marriage would have been better.

Xales Thu 21-Mar-13 22:22:21

Plus it is hard to stay angry at someone even if they deserve it if they are being nice and making you tea.

Distrustinggirlnow Thu 21-Mar-13 22:23:20

Re amazon parcel comment...
I hope you replied with, how the fuck do you think I felt when I opened your FB messages and found your sexual messages to XX.

He thinks he can deflect you. He thinks that if he tuts a bit and does the, how can you think that of me, routine, you will doubt yourself feel sorry for him and carry on.

He will lie. It's awful to say but he will. IME the only time he will come clean is when you show him what you know. Be prepared for him to the minimise it all. It meant nothing, I've been helping her through a rough time, we only met once, I didn't shag her blah, blah blah.

Have a wine

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