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Leave dh because of in laws?

(62 Posts)
LadyApricot Wed 20-Mar-13 21:35:24

My husband and I have been married for three years, together for 6. We have two dc's and we get on alright unless I bring up my grievances with his family.
Mil is controlling and bossy. I am independent and hate the way she tries to tell me what to do all the time. She treats us like children. He's used to it and likes having everything done for him.
I'm fed up being his second mum and we're quite distant although we get on ok as I've said.
My SIL ( and the others in his family) are so so different to us. They have lots of holidays, cleaners, personal trainers, amazing jobs.. We're on a very low income and I only have £150 a week to get the food and pay some of the bills. I'm borrowing money from dh's savings regularly just to get through the week. He doesn't know yet.
My il's are becoming worse and worse around me. They question my parenting, look down their nose at me, think I'm awkward and bitch about me behind my back. Dh refuses to accept this. I dread visiting them. I feel sick whenever he says they want us to visit or they're coming to visit us
I'm finding myself going over all the stuff they do to upset me in my head and I know I need to talk to dh about it but he just defends them and says I'm being paranoid. I guess he just wants an easy life.
I dont know what to do. In the past in arguments he's sayid if we split up he would not move out of our house. I have no money or job so would be stuck.
He drinks too much and doesn't really do much with us. He just wants to sleep when he's not at work.
I'm so bored at home. I love our d's but feeling very unhappy.
What do I do?

SanityClause Thu 21-Mar-13 08:55:25

He needs to be given the chance to decide what he is more scared of; whether it's standing up to his mother, or losing you and the children.

My DH had to make a similar decision, about 10 years ago. He chose me and the children. Your DH might do the same.

But you really do need to allow him to understand that. He needs to know that you cannot go on as you are, and that he needs to change, if he wants to stay married to you.

LadyApricot Thu 21-Mar-13 09:22:38

We went through this before about 2 years ago.. I was upset at his family and we had a huge row. he said I was imagining it all and how they all love me. He begged me not to talk to them about it.. He seems to be so scared of the confrontation. I know for a fact they don't love me though. I've overheard them bitching about me and when he asked me to check for an email from his mum once I found a whole thread on them both agreeing I'm difficult!
I'm honestly not difficult, It's just if the IL's don't get their way then it's my fault.
I am now wondering if he just likes being Married to me because I look after him well. He said in the row, we are so great together if its not for the thing you have against my family.
Really I would prefer it if we could stay together. He is loving and kind.
Maybe counselling could help. First I need to bring up all these points with him though. Never an easy task! Would a letter be weird?

LadyApricot, a few things you have posted here have struck me.

1. "Mil is controlling and bossy. ... She treats us like children. He's used to it and likes having everything done for him."
He's been subjected to her behaviour since forever. Your husband has been infantilised by this and has become passive. Avoiding conflict is really the only way he's been able to cope with his childhood.

2. "He drinks too much and doesn't really do much with us. He just wants to sleep when he's not at work."
3. "He hates having to work ... He'd rather be at home and I go out to work"
Both of these posts incline me to wondering if he is clinically depressed.

4. "he feels he's too good for the job he has and the career he really wants is probably not going to be a reality."
5. "We're on a very low income"
I'd imagine work is the one part of his life that his MIL can't truly stomp all over, his one 'escape'. And it's shit, he hates the job and it doesn't even pay well. He has a career in mind that he wants and it's not going to happen (why not, BTW? Lack of qualifications? Few openings? What?). So no real escape.

Sorry, but it sounds to me as if your husband is in a very dark place right now.

LadyApricot Thu 21-Mar-13 14:07:35

I have thought for a long time he is depressed. He denies it and when I mentioned it to the mil she laughed and said no way!
He totally is!
Mil 's behaviour was even worse when he was young. He said he used to be terrified of her and would often be sick out of fear.
She still has such a hold on all her children ( now adults but act like kids) - it makes me feel disgusted.
Also makes me wonder if he will ever sort this out. I have written a letter asking him to talk to them about what their problem is with me and to stand up for me more.

LadyApricot Thu 21-Mar-13 14:09:57

Oh and she has stomped over his work too! He's doing a job she wants him to do and he won't get another one because he doesn't want to let her down! I can't see him getting his dream job - it's way too hard to get in to ..

Miggsie Thu 21-Mar-13 14:12:51

He is a placator - he is terrified of conflict, he would rather everyone was unhappy than upset his mother. He is basically 3 years old and scared his mum will tell him off.

I suspect he rarely, if ever, thinks about you at any time. The long term prognosis for a man controlled by a dominant mother is not good unless you both cut all contact with his mother and the rest of the family but I think he is so brainwashed by having to please her that he wouldn't do that.

LadyApricot Thu 21-Mar-13 14:16:08

He's said before his family come first which says it all really.
This is his last chance. If he reacts badly to the letter or nothing's resolved I guess I will need to make it on my own.

Your inlaws is not your only problem. Your spineless non-supportive husband is your biggest problem.

Lueji Thu 21-Mar-13 14:23:37

Sorry, but I think you are barking the wrong tree with your letter.
He doesn't necessarily have to stand up for you more in relation to his family.
You can stand up for yourself, surely.

He should stand up for himself.
He should also grow up and fill his role at home.

If he is depressed of has an alcohol problem then he should seek help.
You don't have to put up with it if he doesn't recognise he has a problem and tries to get better.

LadyApricot Thu 21-Mar-13 14:28:16

I get that I should stand up for myself but as its his family I think it's up to him to take matters in to his own hands.
He should definitely stand up for himself too.
No one has ever asked what 'he' wants.. It's all what everyone else wants
Luckily the letter can still be edited! I should add that he needs to see a doctor about his drinking and depression.

bamboobutton Thu 21-Mar-13 14:34:35

yy to what everyone has said.

Also get yourself down to your bank and see about opening up a piggy bank type savings account, this can be an 'escape fund', that way you never need worry about not being able to leave for financial reasons.

I've set one up as Dh's very grown up response to arguments is to threaten divorcehmm

You can set one up with just a pound, can add money as and when and can withdraw money straight away if needed.

Lueji Thu 21-Mar-13 15:20:03

I don't think it helps that you are sort of making him chose between you and his family.

I don't think it helps him grow up, really. He's just being pulled in another direction.

And you are making his family's behaviour his responsibility too.
Sure, he shouldn't deny it or minimise it, but I don't think it accomplishes nothing to to make him confront them about you.

Lueji Thu 21-Mar-13 15:21:03

I mean
I don't think it accomplishes anything.
Or
I think it accomplishes nothing.

Sigh.

LadyApricot Thu 21-Mar-13 16:49:50

Had a good walk and cleared head a bit and have to say you too are right. It's not his fault they're so nasty is it? I do need it sorting out though as they're getting worse and worse towards me. He doesn't want me to talk to them so it's up to him just to have a word and find out what the problem is.
I think he needs a doctor still though and I might edit the letter/just talk to him!

Lueji Thu 21-Mar-13 17:07:12

He definitely needs a doctor.
How thin is the ice he's walking on, and does he know?

The trick is to sort out twatiness from depression.
Not easy, TBH. sad

theonewiththenoisychild Thu 21-Mar-13 17:26:57

me and my dp had the same problem only both our family's couldn't accept we were together and tried to cause trouble dp couldnt see any fault on his family's side until one day they turned on him and in the process told him how they felt about me. since then he has been disillusioned and now we don't see as much of them or the family members of mine who insist of causing trouble

" He doesn't want me to talk to them so it's up to him just to have a word and find out what the problem is."
He's really not capable of 'having a word' though. They have completely incapacitated him. Imagine if, instead of emotionally crippling him, they had cut off his arms. Would you seriously expect him to throw a punch? Of course not. So he's not going to be able to stand up for you/have a word/etc. It's a bit unfair to expect that of him right now. All it does is make you even more frustrated when he doesn't/can't.

I think you have to decide whether to talk to them yourself or put them on the back burner and just deal with him right now.

LadyApricot Thu 21-Mar-13 19:27:58

I think I'll just stand up for myself more and when they say something again I'll point out that its a bit or upsetting..
As for him, I think the first step is the doctors!

2rebecca Thu 21-Mar-13 22:45:37

Can you refuse to visit his family with him or go out for the day if they visit? Why do you have to do what he says all the time?
I think this is the problem with being financially dependant on a controlling man. He is your problem, and the fact that you won't just do your own thing and tell him you don't like his parents and don't want to spend time with them.
If he drinks alot he needs to want to tackle this before tackling depression as antidepressents won't work if he's drinking, and alcohol is a depressant.

If he complains that you are rocking the boat by saying something and standing up to them, then you simply tell him this:

"Honey, I am standing up to them because you are refusing to. I will continue to do it my way, until you do it your way, then we will see."

LadyApricot Fri 22-Mar-13 09:02:26

I said this today. He spoke to them without any problem. I was shocked! However they deny everything and say they're fine with me. I think I've hit a brick wall! If they're not prepared to talk about things like adults I can't get anywhere.
I'll hand it to him though, he surprised me there!

Your H has and will continue to back his parents over you; they are his priority and he will do and say anything not to upset them because he has been conditioned by them to do so. He still wants their approval even as an adult and such stuff can take a lifetime if ever to actually undo.

He is the product of dysfunctional parenting and now you and by turn your children are being profoundly affected by this; this toxic stuff does seep down the generations. You are deeply unhappy and your children pick up on all this between their parents as well. Don't kid yourself that they do not.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up and what do you get out of this relationship now?. Some need of yours on an emotional level is still being met because you are still there, do you have rescuer and or saviour tendencies?.

What do you want for your children in terms of a childhood?. What they are seeing currently is damaging to them, they're being shown a dysfunctional role model of a relationship.

Your H is the main problem here and your inlaws are a by product of that.

Their response to your H is typical of toxic parents; these people also deny and minimise everything and blame everyone else but themselves for their actions. They certainly will not ever take any responsibility. Neither of you will ever receive any sort of apology from them and such people as well can never, ever be reasoned with.

Reading "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward will explain such dynamics more.

LadyApricot Fri 22-Mar-13 20:17:55

Thanks, I'll look it up. Would love to see his face when he sees what I'm reading!

Lueji Fri 22-Mar-13 20:21:39

Or leave it on the coffee table next time they visit?

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