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Don't understand what this means, is it a brush off?

(185 Posts)
peppasnemesis Wed 20-Mar-13 17:07:40

Sorry, it's really not an important issue, but I've been chatting to this guy (we work at the same company, but he's in a different dep't to me with different shifts, so we only see each other occasionally).

We've recently started talking on a social networking site, but he has a partner that lives in the US (long term relationship).He was upfront about saying that he thought I was attractive or whatever, liked talking to me but he has a partner, said this at the very beginning so I knew where I stood.

I'm now going to be leaving the company and this man has said that if he was single, he would have at least liked to go for a drink with me but has said he's still happy to chat to me.

Now, as he was talking past tense, what does this mean? Is this his way of somehow dropping me? I never thought it could be anything more than just friends, but I'm now sure why he said the "if I was single" thing, it feels like a bit of a brush off somehow - like he thought I was coming on to him or something!

How do I talk to him now...it suddenly feels all awkward, lol.

MysteriousHamster Sat 23-Mar-13 17:59:32

Men and women can (sometimes) be friends, but in this instance, where he has told you he has a partner but he's waiting for whatever signals from you, it is inappropriate for you to take this further.

Yes obviously he's the bad guy as he's the one with a partner, but you are enabling this. He doesn't just want to be friends, just keep the talk to work and nothing more.

Or admit you'd like to sleep with him and for him to become your boyfriend, and one day you'll be the woman getting cheated on.

peppasnemesis Sat 23-Mar-13 16:35:10

AndTheBandPlayedOn: Well the bit about downsizing etc., I appreciate your point but not an option. I've sort of tried to change my story slightly - really badly - in case somehow he spots this; but now I've detailed our texts it doesn't really matter! smile

I do like talking to him, whether about relationships/flirty stuff or just general; chat; but I suppose it's not worth effectively whoring myself out for - cos as you've all said; he'll be assuming now that he has a free pass into my knickers sad

AndTheBandPlayedOn Sat 23-Mar-13 16:10:58

Here is another cliche for you: He is a smooth operator and is playing you like a grand piano. You tell him you don't fall for the crap your ex puts out but then turn around and take the crap off this guy. How ironic. Straight out of Austen, isn't it?

And here is a slap upside the head for you: Do not have him come to your doorstep! Oooooh, he's got to pee, he's got to peeee peeeee peeeeee SO BAD; aren't you going to let him in? And just so you know...letting him in "just to pee" is a no go: when he's in, he's in, and you invited him over.
So somehow he is on your doorstep:
Line him up on the walk and tell him you want to measure how far he can project his wee because that tells so much about "performance" and you can tell right now whether or not you are wasting your time on him. Bullshit the bullshitter. In the ensuing awkward moment, just say "Go away" and close the door on him. Damn his feelings, they are not genuine here, just an act.

By the way, I've been married for 23 years and dh has never worn a wedding ring.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Sat 23-Mar-13 16:09:02

Hi Peppa, Another way to look at this dynamic ^could be^:
You posted that guy at work is related to the boss. This pops up a red flag for me. I'm sorry I think this way, but you may be a mark for down sizing.

Having an affair with a guy (who is off the market or not) is going to come across for him as "well, men have needs -look the other way" especially as he is related to the boss. But for you, it will come across as you skanky whore. (AND NO you do not sound like that type of person at all!) But the gossip mills at work can be ruthless.

All he has to do is make a claim of sexual harrassment against you, (and it might be hard for you to find a job after that, putting it mildly). This is why men don't say it in black and white terms, "Will you have sex with me/I want to have sex with you" because with a co-worker, it is sexual harrassment.

Your texts say you don't want to have sex with him, but you said "sex" first and that may work against you. You are already in an emotional affair with him...and sorry to say...actually doing the deed is almost irrelevant. You are in danger regarding office policies already.
You posted at some point that you were not going to be there much longer anyway-I didn't get the details on that; but presume as a single mom, your employment status is pretty important to you and you would need a good reference.

Helltotheno Sat 23-Mar-13 15:32:00

Yes pure attention seeking... And the pretending you're all naive and inexperienced is a pita. Do grow up..

nkf Sat 23-Mar-13 14:01:10

Stop making or trying not to make assumptions about him. He is a colleague. A partnered up colleague. And you shouldn't be talking abour relationships with him. You shouldn't be texting him. I doubt that you are going to stop. And I suspect that this thread has fed your obsession.

peppasnemesis Sat 23-Mar-13 12:16:08

Nope. I've got an autistic child but am not myself, if that's what you're hinting at.

I'm not hung up on him saying that, I'm just saying I didn't want to just go assuming he was just after sex in case I was wrong. That's all.

aufaniae Sat 23-Mar-13 12:10:55

"It's just because he kept saying he didn't know what he wanted"

This doesn't mean he doesn't know if he wants to be friends or not. It means he is trying to find a way to justify cheating on his partner IMO, and is testing the water with you. It's the star-crossed lovers stuff other posters have mentioned. He knows what he wants, he wants to sleep with you but there is the "complication" of him having a girlfriend (and no morals). He doesn't want to come out and say it as he risks you running a mile and having to admit to himself what an arsehole he is, IMO.

Why are you so hung up on him actually saying he wants to have sex with you? That isn't how it works in real life. He's inferred it several times, but you seem unable to read between the lines.

Forgive me for asking but do you often have problems with interpreting what people mean if they don't actually spell it out for you? Not just in romantic situations, but in life in general?

peppasnemesis Sat 23-Mar-13 12:00:44

I don't want anyone to talk to in 'that' way.
Look, I was just trying to to assume that he was a sleaze like the rest of mankind, or the men in my part of the world, anyway.

But, I'll just cut him off and let him find another toy to play around with.

And yes...100% happily single; I've never been much into relationships and stuff anyway.

ArteggsMonkey Sat 23-Mar-13 11:56:58

It doesn't matter what he wants, if YOU want someone to talk to, talk to us on here, talk to your other women friends on this social networking malarkey, text one of your women friends. You are an mner, I cannot believe you need 'bonding with women over inconsequential shit 101' here. Are you being honest when you say you are 'happily' single? Because I doubt you would spend so much time shooting the shit with blokes who drop these unsubtle hints if that were so. Busy yourself with women friends until you've got your head on straight.

CoalDustWoman Sat 23-Mar-13 10:24:45

Really, check out a therapist. The bacp website has a list of ones local to you.

peppasnemesis Sat 23-Mar-13 10:16:14

Well they wouldnt, would they.

It's just because he kept saying he didn't know what he wanted, so i thought maybe he'd realise after a bit that what he wanted was someone to talk to.

CoalDustWoman Sat 23-Mar-13 10:14:39

But would you write texts like that to a female friend? What would your reaction be if a female friend texted you in the way he has?

peppasnemesis Sat 23-Mar-13 10:12:13

But in my mind, all I wanted was friendship. That's what I meant.

I'm very happy being single.

Anyway, yes I'll look into counselling or...something.

ThingummyBob Sat 23-Mar-13 10:11:16

Oh dear Op, 'he doesn't wear a ring at work' really shows your naivety sorry.

He may or may not be married. He may or may not have a long distance gf. He may or may not be a lovely chap. he may or may not be a great platonic friend.

Its all irrelevent.

as, I guess, is the advice you receive here

CoalDustWoman Sat 23-Mar-13 10:10:19

Are you going to stop the charade of the friends thing? Because it's not true, is it? You wouldn't be doing any of this shit if he were a woman.

Counselling sounds like a great idea.

ArteggsMonkey Sat 23-Mar-13 10:09:13

Cutting through everything else, you haven't made it clear at all that you will not sleep with him while he has a girlfriend. "It wouldn't be right" is not the same as "I don't sleep with attached men", it's more romantic wistful bullshit like "you are tying me in knots" and "I am being tempted"

Cut him out, cut the ex out, find ways to boost your self esteem that don't involve dodgy men. If you can't think of any, get therapy.

peppasnemesis Sat 23-Mar-13 10:05:33

He doesn't wear a ring at work?

Other than that...no you're right I don't know him much at all.

However, I did look at a couple of photos on his son's facebook profile and there seems to be photos of him looking 'coupley' (arms round and holding hands) with about 3 different women since 2006 - not sure if that's a bad ratio of women per year or not. That doesnt include the one he's said he's with now as he actually has put a pic of them both on his profile now (after I'd mentioned it was weird, now he's done it).

Schnarkle Sat 23-Mar-13 10:00:54

He's probaly actually married to her and have 5 kids and a pretty good set up at home. How well do you actually know his background? Who's to say but him that he hasn't seen her for the last 6 months and won't again for another 6?

ThingummyBob Sat 23-Mar-13 10:00:09

Shared interest is not him asking about kids and snow days OP confused

If he had wanted you as a dog walking buddy that would have been suggested almost immediately you engaged with him at work I'd have thought.

You are analysing conversations which are so bleedin' obviously 'off' and its worrying that you don't seem to see the inappropriateness of it all.

YY to links with things which have happened to you before (relationship with ex/childhood things)

You should cut all contact except at work and then seek some counselling for your own underlying self esteem issues.

You can resolve all this and you will feel better/stronger for it.

peppasnemesis Sat 23-Mar-13 09:55:50

No, well I did up until fairly recently because he'd do the "I don't want to be with the woman I'm living with; we're not in a relationship, I pay rent to her...I want to live with you and will move in next week" thing, I'd phone to ask if he was planning on seeing the children and he'd say he'd be round the following morning (while children were at school), but recently I've stopped that because I finally realised he's never going to be with me; and as he was violent/controlling etc anyway, I wouldn't want the children to look up to him, anyway.

I do sort of feel like I'm hanging on this guy to distract myself from communicating with my ex...it's partly that and partly that I do like him. Not in a 'I want to be with him' way but I don't know, there's something 'different' about him, that I noticed the first time I met him; he interests me, that's all.

I'm also sort of curious as to why he's staying in that long distance relationship if he wants to sleep around at home; tempted to ask but I suppose that's none of my business.

Schnarkle Sat 23-Mar-13 09:49:09

You dont actually sleep with your ex so that he will maintain contact with the children do you? I hope I've misread this.

The texts confirm even more an oh woe is me I am torn that I want you but I have someone but I want you and on and on and on from your work colleague.

peppasnemesis Sat 23-Mar-13 09:39:36

There's been the odd bit of shared interests/work stuff.

In fact, his opening message to me yesterday was "how did you find it today with the children being home from school all day" (snow) hmm

But I take your point.

MysteriousHamster Sat 23-Mar-13 09:34:46

Just stop texting him. His weird vague messages mean that you are not a friend. You're not talking about anything concrete like work or tv or shared interests. You're just talking about feelingyweeliing-attracty stuff that will eventually lead to meeting up and sex.

If he ends up on your doorstep I suspect you will have a hard time saying no to sex and you will regret it the next day. Or he will make you go further than you want :/

Please just end it. You can still talk to him at work about work. It doesn't have to be acrimonious. Just stop with the late night texting or messaging.

peppasnemesis Sat 23-Mar-13 09:25:02

nkf - I know. It's me being stupid; he's not interested in the children, not one bit. And me writing letters via a solicitor will be met with unresponse...I 'know' he's not bothered about them, but sort of knowing it officially will be hard to take.

ThingummyBob - didn't mean it quite like that, it's just I do like his personality, we share interests and he's interesting to talk to, intelligent etc. The sort of person you could go for a drink with and not worry about a lull in conversation (whereas a lot of people in my life, female friends included; just want to go out, get plastered and find some random person to sleep with).

He just seemed a bit different.

He does have female friends though; his son used to work with my ex years ago and I know him and his son go walking their dogs with some female friends of theirs (not all at once, lol). He can't have tried it on with all of them otherwise they wouldnt stay friends with him?

So...seeing as I'm seeming emotionally mature - is this obvious to people in RL; like a sign written across my forehead saying "mug"?

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