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Don't understand what this means, is it a brush off?

(185 Posts)
peppasnemesis Wed 20-Mar-13 17:07:40

Sorry, it's really not an important issue, but I've been chatting to this guy (we work at the same company, but he's in a different dep't to me with different shifts, so we only see each other occasionally).

We've recently started talking on a social networking site, but he has a partner that lives in the US (long term relationship).He was upfront about saying that he thought I was attractive or whatever, liked talking to me but he has a partner, said this at the very beginning so I knew where I stood.

I'm now going to be leaving the company and this man has said that if he was single, he would have at least liked to go for a drink with me but has said he's still happy to chat to me.

Now, as he was talking past tense, what does this mean? Is this his way of somehow dropping me? I never thought it could be anything more than just friends, but I'm now sure why he said the "if I was single" thing, it feels like a bit of a brush off somehow - like he thought I was coming on to him or something!

How do I talk to him now...it suddenly feels all awkward, lol.

notimefors Thu 21-Mar-13 00:43:03

Yeah, he's testing the water.

QueenOfCats Thu 21-Mar-13 00:53:40

Maybe I'm a bit simple, but I would read it as he enjoys chatting with you and would like to carry on chatting with you even though you're leaving the company blush

peppasnemesis Thu 21-Mar-13 13:15:59

Hmm. Well so far he's only mentioned meeting up in a "maybe we could bump into each other sometime" sort of way.

If he trying to get his leg over, then why mention he had a partner? His facebook profile doesn't have any photos of him with women on it, and his relationship status is blank so I'd never have known if he hadn't told me - but he was upfront about it from the first tie we ever spoke (although he did word it as "I am in a relationship, but she lives in the U.S and it was 6 months ago I saw her last, likely to be another 6 months before I get to see her again so it's a bit weird").

I'm happy to chat but then I'm worried about him suggesting meeting up...which I'd do (go for a drink) as friends, is that even ok if he has a partner? I suppose he wouldn't tell her "hey darling, I just went out for a drink with this woman I used to work with, and by the way I have told her I fancy her".

Grr, why do I always 'attract' possibly slimey men?

LeslieWrinkle Thu 21-Mar-13 13:17:51

I don't know but it could be that he feels that letting you know he is attracted to you is a compliment. Or, less blunt than making it seem like, not in any circumstances woudl he go out with you.

UnEggspectedItemInBonnetArea Thu 21-Mar-13 13:24:48

He either has a partner and so is being really disrespectful to her = not someone you should be getting involved with.

Or

He doesn't have a partner but is using a fake one to have no strings sex with you = not someone you should be getting involved with.

Either way he's a knob.

Don't go for a drink with him, it's likely to just get more complicated.

peppasnemesis Thu 21-Mar-13 13:26:07

Could be I suppose. I never suggested I liked him though, I only ever spoke to him in a friendly way about generic stuff, I'm not naturally flirty so wouldn't have been giving off signals...

I just dont want to go getting myself into any awkward situations, that's all.

peppasnemesis Thu 21-Mar-13 13:29:27

UnEggspected...lol I agree with that, but did you have to have a bloody hilarious username while you're making your serious and very vaild point? smile

If his partner genuinely lives so far away...ok this is going to sound bad but I've never really valued long distance relationships, all seems a bit strange to me - so do the same rules really apply when the partner lives thousands of miles away, and they only see each other twice a year? Presuming all that is true, of course...

ladyjadie Thu 21-Mar-13 13:38:35

Hmm.. My first reaction when I read the OP and a couple more was, 'wow, there are actually men who are upfront about having a GF, especially a long distance one. But jeez, how many times has he now told you he fancies you, he wants you, he 'would' (so to speak grin ) ?! God knows what's going on in his brain! I'd stay friends with him if you like being friends with him, why not? I wouldn't see any need to just axe the friendship yet. If he tries to push further then yeah, I'd cut him out of my life and try to find his poor gf to warn her

It is strange he has no mention of her on FB but then some people just don't use it that much or maybe their partner has expressed that they don't want to be splashed around online.

peppasnemesis Thu 21-Mar-13 14:02:40

He's not online much to be honest, I do believe he has a partner - not asked how long term she is but I'm guessing if it's genuinely long distance, she must be quite long term otherwise he wouldn't bother (or is that just me).

So, can someone define friends then? I have a funny relationship with my male friends - they're really friendly when they're single and then when they have girlfriends they turn into online friends - which I suppose is the 'proper' thing to do, out of respect for their gfs.

I'm sort of feeling like yes we get on, but online friends have always seemed a bit strange to me; why be 'friends' with someone you never meet up with in person?

But then if I met up with him in person - is that dodgy ground?

I've only had one (veeery long term) relationship; can you tell? :P

allaflutter Thu 21-Mar-13 14:22:20

OP, I'm still not clear from your OP and otherwise - are you strongly attarcted to him and would want to date, or are you after friendship??
If friendship, then OF COURSE it's fine to go for drinks even flirt mildly - his GF knows very well that he's bound to socialise with women, when they see each other twice a year! I'm also very hmm about their weird relationship. Maybe there aer financial ties, or plans to have a family, but really close relationships do not work like this as it's usually beyond people who aer in love to be apart so much! unless it's some kind of visa problems and they have to wait.

It sounds though (if not to do with visas) that their relationship is not very close or very passionate, but they have reasons to keep the relationship. In this scenario, I think he's likely to sleep with other women, possibly even with her knowledge, and what he's telling you is, I'm not after a LTR but wouldn't say no to a quick fling or FWB, but is spelling out to you where you stand - meaning if you agree withhis terms then he "would", but don't expect anything more. It could also be that she's fictional, as UnEgg says. The bottom line is, he is offering a "no-strings, or nothing at all" in both cases.

allaflutter Thu 21-Mar-13 14:25:04

by the way, if you went for friendship, then there is a small chance it will grow into more, and that he will finish with his P, so you could try this route, but I wouldn't advise sleeping with him unless it gets more serious emotionally for botrh of you.

If you want a no-strings (which I haven't considered), then be upfront and ask whether he's in a open relationship.

peppasnemesis Thu 21-Mar-13 14:31:54

I'm not entirely sure, to be honest.
How it originally started was I was having a stressful time at work, he was a 'friendly face' and always made the effort to say hi when he spoke to me (unlike others) and I messaged him first on facebook - as we dont see each other at work very often now - and just said thanks for being kind, appreciate it etc. Then signed off with a see you around work sometime, not really inviting a reply. He messaged back saying he'd looked me up on facebook and thought about messaging me but was worried he shouldn't...then the (online/text) chat just sort of went from there.

I'd never sleep with anyone who is in a relationship, I haven't asked about his status properly yet but he briefly said that they went to school together, he's spoken about living with other exes in the past so not sure how long he's been in his current relationship, or even if I should ask (seems a bit personal for me to be asking)

I don't really fancy him, just sort of like his style when it comes to his beliefs (kind of spiritual atheist, like me) and the twinkle in his eye.

If he's offering a no strings or not at all thing, then shoudld I do what someone else said and just tell him I'm not into 'just sex' especially not when he other party concerned ha a partner, and risk him cutting contact with me? sad

chocoluvva Thu 21-Mar-13 14:38:00

He's not worth any effort.

ladyjadie Thu 21-Mar-13 14:38:02

I hate when good friends get into relationships and then just disappear sad selfish I know, and I'm a hypocrite too because I've been guilty of it in every single relationship I've had confused heh heh.
How long have you been friends with him? Do you only ever speak online or have you ever hung out IRL (whether it be with workmates or friends or do you chat by the watercooler or go have a fag together etc.)?

I guess I'd define friends as someone you can have a moan (non sexual) with, a laugh with, someone you like being with, someone you can joke around with. But then there's different friendships...

It's only dodgy ground if you or he makes it dodgy ground, I've had male mates with Gf's that I've been super close to but totally platonically.

What is your gut instinct? If you were interested in something more I'd say don't bother with him- he's wierd for constantly bringing up that he has a girlfriend but would otherwise bang you definitely take you out for a drink.

However if you've a vacancy for the 'kinda wierd bloke mate who totally fancies me but i'm not down with that but like him as a mate' then just have him as a random friend?

EggyFucker Thu 21-Mar-13 15:20:16

I reckon you are overthinking this

And even though you say you would never sleep with someone in another relationship, you do seem to be considering it as a possibility

Lots of contradictions in your posts IMO

Helltotheno Thu 21-Mar-13 15:45:56

OP how in holy hell are women still being suckered by the oldest trick in the book, internet or no internet?

All I'm seeing here is someone trying to get into your pants, absolving himself of guilt (by allowing YOU to decide whether the fact that he's with someone should be an issue in his getting in your pants), and all the time trying to increase his chances (the vacuous compliments, the 'if only I were free, you're so amazing' schtick). Please, whatever you do, don't mistake it for anything more.

Yes.. massively overthinking. You either do it or not OP, either way it doesn't promise to be romance of the century.

peppasnemesis Thu 21-Mar-13 16:13:53

I suppose I don't want to see 'all' men (as every one I seem to come across acts the same as this guy) as only out for getting into my/anyone's knickers.

I mean it's flattering, but then even as he says that crap I'm thinking "yeah, you don't really mean that"...thinking about it he did say I have his permission to flirt all I wanted with him - which is sort of a weird thing to say if you're in a relationship. At least, I think it is.

peppasnemesis Thu 21-Mar-13 16:16:45

Oh and ladyjadie - not long really, 6 months or so since we originally met but we've only been facebook messaging and texting this past week.

We only see each other briefly in work, for between 30 seconds (quick hello) and 2 minutes at a time, he was the one finding stuff for me though and guiding me through things at work which is why I messaged him originally, to thank him for helping out.

ladyjadie Thu 21-Mar-13 16:23:02

Yeah, he's weird.

Wierd can be good.

if you don't mind being the other woman :/

I'm sure you aren't being given any sort of brush-off, in fact

he did say I have his permission to flirt all I wanted with him

he seems desperate for you to chase him!

keep messaging and give it a week, you might have your answer by then.

Buzzardbird Thu 21-Mar-13 16:31:40

What Hell said and he is also trying to get you to do all the running and persuading so that it wasn't really his fault that he cheated on his girlfriend. Guess what? He will do the same to you next.

Er, it's not really flattering that some bloke wouldn't mind a shag, or having you fluttering your lashes at him constantly, but wants you to bear in mind he has a girlfriend and it's not going to be you. confused

Helltotheno Thu 21-Mar-13 16:41:21

I mean it's flattering

You think? One woman's compliment is another woman's sleaze I guess...

EggyFucker Thu 21-Mar-13 16:43:58

It's flattering?

You need to get out more, dude

peppasnemesis Thu 21-Mar-13 16:50:05

Ok I don't want to be his girlfriend. Honest.

BUT you all seem to think that the fact he mentioned he has one, means he's telling me flat out that it's not going to be me.

Excuse my ignorance but..how so?

Helltotheno Thu 21-Mar-13 16:59:46

No love, he's not telling you it's not going to be you, what he's telling you is he has a girlfriend but has no qualms about shagging anyone else who'll have him and very like has done and he'd like that anyone else to be you... somewhat different.

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