Mumsnet Talk

I'm a regular, I've changed my name to an old one because "d"P knows my regular name.

Im in a mess & dont know whats going on, this could be long but I need to write it out and get some perspective & advice.

Right, DP and I have small children, we were getting on lovely, things all semmed fab and we were in the process of booking our wedding etc for this summer - we've been having lots of sex & genuinely, I thought we had worked through the tough patch of small babies and stress & were sorting "us" out.

Until last week he was lovely, thenWed/ Thur time he seemed distant and short with me, going to bed wuthout saying good night and generally being very odd. Friday night I went up to bed & asked him what was wrong, he ummm'd and ahhh'd for a bit & told me nothing was wrong, it ws just him and to leave him to it. I told him I wasnt going to be ignored in my own home and he needed to ether pack it in or talk to me. He then throws the accusation at me that I make him feel insecure because of an EX boyfriend. I tell him he's being daft, reassure him a bit, we go to sleep.
Saturday things seem tense but I was out with small children during the day - I then fell asleep on toddlers bed when I put DC to bed & DP spent evening going through all my emails / FB messages / texts, everything he searched for emails from my friend from college, who I havent spoken to since Jan 2010 (weve had two children since then) there are 7 emails over a 6 year period between me and this friend. Arranging to meet up for a drink when he was back locally etc (this never happened though)
Sunday morning I realised he had done this, I asked him about it but he didnt speak to me all day.
Monday he goes to work without saying good bye, sends me a load of "I feel hurt please fix me" texts...

heres where it gets horrible

I started bleeding really heavily and cramping, not expected - I rang GP (as im on some meds and wondered if it was a side effect of starting anti depressents) GP says no, but worried about quick loss with lots of clots and says take a PG test, which i did... which was a faint positive.

I tell DP this.

He didnt come home as normal monday, instead i put all 3 dc to bed alone (and feeling really shit) he comes in at 9pm and tells me "In future you are going to do as your told"

I went to bed sobbing.

I wake up Tuesday morning with my PJ's soaking wet. He had masturbated over me while I slept.

He said nothing, no apolgies, I got in the hot bath covered in his come and my blood and feeling now REALLY shit.

Last night we talked, I told him he made me feel violated and he apologised. He says I need to make him feel loved.

What do i do? We are now "friends" and getting on, im cramping and exhausted & cant think logically. This isnt ok is it?

Oh you poor love. No it is absolutely not ok.

Omg. No, it really, really isn't. It just seems so totally out of the blue. Is it? Or has he acted in an abusive way previously?

Sorry posted too soon. I'm no expert and it all sounds very odd to me, the sudden change in his behaviour. Had he ever shown signs of this sort of thing before? You do not deserve to be treated or spoken to like that, EVER. I'm furious for you.

No sweetheart absolutely not. You need a cuddle and some support right now but in the long run you need to get out of this relationship. Is there anyone you can talk to today? Can someone bring you to the doctor to see about the bleeding?

No this is not ok. Its not normal. I don't understand what you have done to make him feel unloved

Have you stopped bleeding?

This is strange and frightening behaviour. If my H suddenly acted like this, I would assume a personality change brought on by something like a frontal lobe brain tumour.

I would be talking to Womens Aid as of now. No it is not okay at all. Its abusive and controlling behaviour on his part. This is about power and control; he has exerted this over you in a number of ways.

He certainly owes you an explanation; something has set him off. Why the seemingly sudden change of behaviour unless he has something to hide?.

Its also not your role here to fix him; he has to want to fix his own self here. You are not responsible for his happiness.

BTW its not you at fault here, its him. He may well be feeling guilty about something that he has done.

Have you seen the GP directly re your bleeding?. You may well need medical attention.

its like he went looking for some thing to blame me for I dont know, to excuse him from marriage? To keep me in my place as a little wifey?

I told him last night that Im not going to be spoken to like that ever.

Today ive had lots of "I love you" texts.

re bleeding, GP says to just keep an eye on it and if I have some concerns to go straight to the EPAU for a scan and hes given me the number to self refer. Im not sure how long to expect it to last for though, its like the worse period ever and right now, thats what Im telling myself it is.

He is behaving like an idiot. But keep talking and talking to try to work out what has set this off (some insecurity from his past?). Whatever it is he is trying to take it out on you and make you to blame. So keep trying to find out what has set him off on this track - it may or may not be fixable but you are not the problem, it's him.

What has he said to you about the subject of marriage before now?.

What do you think has brought this seemingly sudden change of behaviour on, why the paranoia?. Has he been secretive with his phone usage?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Have you asked him to leave?.

Masturbating over you while you sleep is an ultimate act of domination.

I think he may well escalate to abusing you physically.

I'd be suspicious of start/end of an affair tbh OP. Seems that this regularly brings out sudden changes in behaviour in lots of men

The wanking over you reminds me of shit stuff my EXp did to me <<shivers>>

See a doctor and get yourself checked out re bleeding and crampingh and then if it was me I'd be making plans to leave very soon.

I also wonder if the recent 'good times' are simply the 'up' side of an abusive cycle.

Take care, but really I'm sorry to say I would LTB.

He said he feels like I dont prioritise him enough...

I think he expects me to be like his mother, children bathed and ready to be kissed good night when he arrives home from work, with dinner simmering away, lip stick freshly applied bloody mason

Jesus christ I would be terrified and would be staying elsewhere right now tbh.

Agree with Attila - contact WA even if only for a chat.

He masturbated over you whilst you slept?

How fucking disgusting. If my husband did that to me, he'd be out on his ear purely for that, let alone for telling me I'd do as I told.

You need rid of him. He's only going to get more dominating and more abusive.

I gagged when I read this.

Oh my fucking god...you were basically miscarrying & he did that to you.

What the hell is wrong with him

How did he EVER think that was ok. If you stay with him you're confirming that his behavior was excusable and i'm sorry but it isn't and should never be.

I am so sorry to hear that this has happened to you

right, ok... the anti D's are making me feel pretty numb right now, but I see from your replies this is not ok.

What do i do?

Speak to Women's Aid and get their perspective.

Speak to a good friend and get some support in RL.

Can you leave? Even if only temporarily? He needs to understand how sick & wrong that was. And you deserve better, so maybe the break will help you to realize that & have a good think about it.

personally i'd be out of there in a shot. I'd be horrified if my son every found out his dad had done something like that to me & i'd stayed to be honest, but each to their own & I appreciate it's not easy to leave when you share DCs.

That is abusive though, and it isn't necessarily the end of it. He can't think much of you or have much respect for you if he can do something like that...but you deserve respect & to be treated better than that, whatever the stupid man's insecurities are. They're his, not yours!

And do speak to women's aid/or a friend in rl - it will help you to see things more clearly and decide on your next step

Make an exit plan, to put it simply Licken He is an abusive arse and I've never heard of this behaviour getting better, only worse.

Contact WA as someone suggested, or even, if you can mange it, tell a rl friend/family what you have told us.

Sort out practicalities as soon as you can. Do you have a supportive family? Anyone that would help, as undoubtedly you will be feeling vulnerable and things can seem harder.

X-Post, but we all agree Licken.

Also, just wanted to say I hope you're dealing with suspected loss of an ep ok & have had someone to talk to about it/been able to post here for support, if you need it. You must be in shock from all this