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Physical abuse has stopped for now but is it ea now?

(62 Posts)
crashmat Tue 19-Mar-13 16:40:10

Have posted about DH's violence before. He has broken a rib, given me a black eye etc in the past. I'd say in total he has hit me about 7-8 times with low grade sexual abuse thrown in. After a particularly nasty attack last summer I told him to stop drinking (violence only happened when he was drunk) or I was going to the police. He would lose his job if he was convicted of assault. My GP and counsellor both logged the incident on their systems, he doesn't know this though.

I have been working with domestic abuse services very informally since. The lady who I speak to seems to think the ea is still ongoing but I'm just not seeing it. Last night DH was pissed off about an issue with his family and blamed me but it honestly was not my fault. It escalated in him accusing me of being sneaky saying I hadn't told him something that I am sure I did. There have been a couple of other things. He has put a stop to me making a change to my job and he has pretty much made it impossible for me to attend a work team building night away by using the dc's as a reason to say no. Is it easy way out to say ea or just give and take the of a relationship?

I really can't see the wood for the trees so to speak. Have name changed. Any views would be really helpful.

Flisspaps Tue 19-Mar-13 17:32:40

I think it's the dc's and knowing how hellish he will be if I dare to leave him that's holding me back

It can't be any more hellish than being punched, sexually assaulted and mentally ground down, day after day sad

ffswhatnow Tue 19-Mar-13 17:35:37

Sweetheart, the man that you adored doesn't exist. You adored him and look at what he did to you.

The DCs don't realise yet that it was all a lie, but how would you feel if he hurt them like he hurt (and continues to hurt) you?

You have to do this, you have to get away from him. It will be hellish, there is no hiding from that fact, but it will get better and you and your DC will have a wonderful, safe and happy life without him. You're not alone xx

Spiritedwolf Tue 19-Mar-13 17:47:21

The only reason/justification you need to leave him is that you no longer want to have a relationship with him.

I can see the logic behind waiting for him to do something worse but its flawed. Too many women stay because they married him, because its been 10/15/20 years, because they had children or didn't leave after the first affair, or the first black eye. They believe the adadage that they have 'made their bed' and now have to lie in it (apparently indefinately). Rubbish. This obligation doesn't really exist. Just because you weren't ready to leave before, doesn't mean you can't leave now or in the future. You don't need to spend another minute/day/months/years with someone just because you didn't leave when things were at their worst.

Its punishing yourself to stay through daily misery waiting for a day bad enough to leave. Its cumulitive, every day he's with you he's adding straws to your back, the last one could be light as a feather, but its the huge load he's spent years putting on you that makes you leave, not really the last straw. IYSWIM (I'm not calling you a donkey!)

You don't deserve a life sentence of fear and unhappiness. Nor do your children. Maybe they've never seen him hit you. But they'll see the way he talks to you and about you. They'll see the lack of positive words, touches, expressions between you that ought to be there. They'll think its normal.

He doesn't need to understand why. Emotional abusers are unlikely to admit/acknowledge it anyway. If they had that amount of empathy, they wouldn't treat people the way they do. You don't need to justify your reasons for leaving with anyone else. You've had ENOUGH. That's your reason.

Startail Tue 19-Mar-13 17:49:01

He doesn't love you, he doesn't trust you and he doesn't respect you or your work.

It isn't going to get better.

You can wait until next time you have a 'proper' argument or leave now.

You wouldn't be posting here if you hadn't had enough.

It isn't always the big things that push people over the edge, you might forgive him hitting you because he's drunk or you think there was a good reason for him being cross (you shouldn't, it's unforgivable).
But something small, but totally unreasonable can be all it takes to say fuck it I deserve better.

You do deserve better!

crashmat Tue 19-Mar-13 18:26:39

startail and wolf You are both so right. Something about last night has obviously rattled something in me as I have spent bits of today gathering info about benefits I may be able to claim CTC and WTC and the like. I've wrote down a solicitor's number hidden in my work diary and I even looked at houses to rent, all the while saying to myself 'just in case' but I think my sub conscious is saying 'Just get out.'

The thing that could be the tipping point is I shocked myself last night. DH had a go at me about my facebook-he says he didn't know I had changed it from an anonymous name to a shorter version of my name. I definitely told him at Xmas I'd done this but he gaslighted me. I knew he had. He called me sneaky and got angry and I just went and deactivated my account. Like a dead behind the eyes mouse. I did it without thinking just to appease him. What I wanted didn't feature.

crashmat Tue 19-Mar-13 18:36:19

Sorry that last post sounded so self pitying. What I was trying to say was once upon a time I would have told him sod off, it's up to me what I call my self on fb, but I didn't.

TheFallenNinja Tue 19-Mar-13 18:41:52

Seems to me that you didn't want him to hit you again after the first, then the second, then the third etc etc.

Hence the immediate LTB. If a dog bit me once I wouldn't hesitate to have it put down. The same goes for hitting.

cjel Tue 19-Mar-13 19:39:57

Self pity is allowed when you are just realised what a mess you are living!!!

magimedi Tue 19-Mar-13 19:41:44

Leave him. Now. Please.

You are worth so much more than this - don't stay with someone who has hit you.

It will be tough but it will be so much better.

tribpot Tue 19-Mar-13 19:47:15

This sounds a bit like what they call a 'dry drunk', an alcoholic who isn't actively drinking but has in no way attempted to address his or her problem, so exhibits all the same behaviours except the actual drinking itself. It's like saying to an alcoholic 'the problem is you're drinking'. But the problem isn't that they're drinking, the problem is they're an alcoholic. The 'problem' isn't that he's hitting, the problem is he's an abuser. He can choose to manifest the problem in different ways, but it doesn't change the basic fact. He is choosing to abuse you because he doesn't think enough of you not to.

I would imagine he will make out that you have been totally unreasonable in leaving him after the violence has stopped. But your last few posts say it all. You are simply avoiding any situation that might cause the violence to happen again. So it hasn't stopped, it just isn't happening at the moment.

Lueji Tue 19-Mar-13 19:52:50

Just that you used the expression "disobeyed him" is enough to say leave the bastard.

Yes, he'll try to make it hell when you leave, but you will have your own sanctuarium. Your home, where you'll feel safe when you get in.

Been there and totally worth it.

Your children will also see him for who he is.
And think that at some point he'd probably turn on them too. sad

kalidanger Tue 19-Mar-13 20:01:01

I shouldn't think the DC 'adore' him sad They have learned to be sweet and compliment around him as they are scared of him too.

kalidanger Tue 19-Mar-13 20:01:28

Compliant, I mean. Not compliment.

Chubfuddler Tue 19-Mar-13 20:01:56

Just leave. Honestly you just need to get yourself away from this poisonous environment, which incidentally is also harmful to your children. I left my husband a few weeks ago, things were very similar to what you describe. I just couldn't go on.

It hasn't been easy but in all honesty it's been a hell of a lot easier than I expected (touches wood).

You don't need things to be "bad enough" to justify leaving. They are bad enough believe me. The only acceptable level of DV in a marriage is none.

ApplyYourself Wed 20-Mar-13 00:04:49

you cant stay with a man who has broken your rib. you cant bring children up with him.

leave him as soon as you are able

OxfordBags Wed 20-Mar-13 09:50:34

OP, he has abused you in every way possible. The physical and sexual abuse should've been enough to leave. You do not need his permission to leave him. You do not need a reason that he will find good enough - even though you have more than enough reasons for anyone to scream 'leave him NOW!!!' at you. You don't even have to give him a reason.

You are scared of him, you daren't 'disobey' him, you alter your behaviour and stop doingnthings you want because of what he says to you and how he says it, your Dc are badmouthing you because of how he talks to you... How is this NOT emotional abuse? It's hardly not abuse, is it, sweetheart?!

There's something more imporant you must understand - living in a home with abuse of the mother is massive child abuse for the DC. Seeing you treated like shit, whether with fists or words is appalling emotional abuse for children. And you know that they know you're being abused, because they're repeating his words. Do you understand that every day your son stay in that home is another percent more likely that he will grow up to be an abuser himself as an adult? Or that any DDs you have will be abuse victims? Do not lie to yourself that you loving them and them loving him means that this is not abusive to them, because it is.

Children who grow up with abuse always appear to adore the abusive parent. This is not a genuine reflection of their feelings, however, because it is simply a survival mechanism - make the dangerous one love me, make sure the dangerous one doesn't hurt me.

Any man who treats his partner that way is a terrible father and should have limited (if any) contact with them. He is destroying any chance they have of normal personalities or futures with every passing day.

TisILeclerc Wed 20-Mar-13 10:05:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sugarice Wed 20-Mar-13 10:59:07

Please leave him, you are worth so much more than living like this this and you are entitled to a good happy life with your children.

Does he let you lead that happy life the way you want to live it?

I think you are well on the road to leaving this bastard anyway, just muster the courage, it will be the very best move you ever make for yourself and your children.

Great post TisI

delilahlilah Wed 20-Mar-13 11:12:04

I have been in a similar situation. Leaving was the best thing I ever did. I just wish I had done it sooner. You will not believe the relief you will feel, when you are not expecting him to come through the door. The simplicity of not being worried what sort of mood he might be in, treading on egg shells to keep the peace because you are afraid of him.
He might be angry initially when you leave, but immediately after that he will try to get you back in any way he can most likely, so be prepared for him to tell you he can't live without you and all sorts of other emotionally blackmailing crap. Don't listen to it, it is designed for him to get his own way and the status quo would quickly be resumed if you went back. I feel confident saying this, because he is still minimising what he has done to you.
You and your DC will be better off. If he is violent / threatening then he doesn't need your address he can contact you through a solicitor.

hairtearing Wed 20-Mar-13 11:21:57

I agree with all others leave him , and I doubt tbh it is the last of PA if you stay.
He doesn't look after his kids? what a waste of space, Out of interest why was he so bothered about your name on FB? is he possessive,jealous too?

cestlavielife Wed 20-Mar-13 11:27:49

your dc arent able to go to supermarket and sdee dads in a row and say oh yes that ones mine i adore him - they only know what they know.

where do you see yourself in five years time, or when kids grown up? with him? no - he has beaten you and undermines you. you keep him sweet now because you fear his violence...

you dont need to wait for the DC sake - rather it would be better to leave now and let the dc develop relationship with dad separate to you.

it wont be easy - but it will be far ebtter than stayng once you grow free from this control. DC will blossom too.

Is it a knee jerk reaction to a bad night or a final straw breaking your camel's back.

Thats how it was with me. Ex dp whined and whined to everyone that I had left him because of one small incident. what he didn't tell people was that it was the last incident in 5 years that I was prepared to put up with.

he is controlling your work, controlling your mind. I bet you still walk on eggshells because you say that you are still frightened of him. You are not a rubbish mummy. If you are already working with a DV worker then she can help you get out of there ASAP.

Do your dc's really adore him? THey will be frightened of him too. What you see as adoration is them trying to please him to keep him happy so he won't kick off at them.

Just pack a bag today and ring her.

I'm so sorry you have sufferred for so long at the hands of this vile man.
Oxford puts it perfectly.
Please try to listen to all the advice on here and what everyone is saying.
So many of them have been there and really do know what they are talking about.
Good luck - I wish you well for the future with your DC but it must be well away from this man!

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