Mumsnet Talk

Well, fifth thread <sigh>. My initial hope of a proper and more considered plan to leave hasn't really worked out.

However I do now have a much less well considered plan to see if it is feasible to go to a refuge/b and b. A week ago I would never have considered that, would never have considered things were really that bad.

But now I do recognize that I am in an impossible situation with my car. I can't get it fixed with my own money, because H insists it is not that bad and will not let me. Yet I need a car. I cannot continue to think it is probably ok to drive just because H insists it is. It is dangerous to me, dc and other road users. I was so worried about being in this position a couple of days ago, but I am getting used to the idea now that I maybe could just remove me and dc from the situation completely.

I won't be able to take the family car if I did leave this week, as although I am the registered keeper H is working longer hours than usual because he is working further away than usual. So the car will also be further away. But I can hire a car if I need to.

I am still thinking maybe it isn't really bad enough to be thinking of a refuge, but I can't see how I can stay at home and not end up having to drive the deathtrap car. There are also a few other things I will mention to the WA worker tomorrow when I ask about this. I know I will be really sensitive to any suggestion I will be 'all fine really', and would crumble and say 'oh no don't worry about it, I'm fine' but I guess realistically the conversation is unlikely to go that way.

I think I then want to look at renting a place. I don't think I could go back to the house, I don't think H would agree to leave it for a start.

I don't know what I will tell dc/my parents/everyone else.

Well done GB! have been looking out for your new thread, so glad you're back and BRAVO on your plan, you are sounding strong and positive

Good luck GB I've lurked on your threads and this is a huge step forward for you

Just worry about you and the dc GB
Other people aren't living your life

Do what you have to do

Good luck. Praying for you here

You are on your way to becoming fabulous again xx

Thanks. Am feeling very positive now as I did get a nice email back from the WA contact when I emailed about my car situation. I didn't feel at all stupid or 'got at' for explaining that there was this other new thing that I can't really cope with.

GB you have the whole of MN behind you. If you are worried about things like what to say to people, ask the WA woman for some help/guidance on that if need be. Whatever you are worried about/fear/don't know how to approach, then ask for some help either here or from the WA woman you are meeting with. Your strength through all of this is amazing, and I think we can all see what an amazing person you are to get to this point. Stay strong.

You're in my thoughts and prayers GB, as a lurker on your threads.
You are amazing, brave and strong, your children are so lucky to have you as a mother, they will be eternally grateful to you for taking them away from the vile abuser that is youryour husband. And YOU will be grateful to you too.
Good luck. WA do amazing work. I wish I had let them help me more when I left my ex. I went to one of their refuges but left early, pressured by my ex to come home. They were wonderful.

Be kind to yourself. Xxx

Hi GB. Am so, so pleased to see you giving yourself some real choices.

It is YOUR life. Only you can live it, day in, day out. Other people will only ever get a snapshot.

Sending you strength and conviction.

You go girl, you control your own destiny. Take care of yourself and your children.

Another long time lurker.

I haven't posted (since the very first thread!) because you have had excellent advice from people with real insight into your situation.

But when I saw this thread, I was so pleased, because it sounds like you and your lovely DC will all be safe, soon.

Glad to hear from you. Sending good vibes and keeping my fingers crossed for you.
Just watched the marigold hotel and they kept saying
"It'll be all right in the end, and if it isn't alright, then it isn't the end!" Keep taking those steps, you have support here and in RL from WA. I'm sure the more you open up and let people in, the easier it will be.

Great to hear this GB, we are all behind you.

Still thinking about you and really hoping you escape your H very soon

Good luck GB! From what you say you'd be much better off away from the house with its unsafe rooms, much nicer to rent somewhere new for you and the DCs.

Best of luck tomorrow GB. I'm wishing for luck, happiness and peace for you and all of your DCs.

I have been watching your threads and you and your children are almost safe now - just the last few hurdles to go. I wish you safe passage. I think of you often. You have so many people routing for you. If you need help on the day, one of us will help you. We are well spread geographically.

Good luck, and stay strong. x

GB, if a friend/relation was to tell me she left her marriage because her H wouldn't let her get a car with a dangerous fault fixed, I'd think, "sounds like a great reason". If she then added that H had been pressing her to have a fourth child even though it was dangerous for her health, I'd be thinking, "wow, glad she got out." Same for lots of other things you've mentioned and probably more that you haven't.

Glad things are moving forward.

Good luck, GB! You have come so far in such a relatively short period of time and I have every faith in you going the distance.

Don't worry about what to say to others or what they'll think - just take this one step at a time. You are still in the fog of abuse, just concentrate on the essentials and important stuff and fuck the rest.

The WA contact didn't make you feel stupid, because A) You're not stupid and B) that's how ordinary, decent people treat each other. When you leave, you'll have to get used to people not making you feel stupid or got at - wonderful, eh?!

You are fab. This move will change your Dc's lives forever. You will be taking them off the path of future victimhood/perpetrating and you can give them no greater gift than freeing them from suffering as you have.

Brilliant thread title GB. Cheering you on quietly here. I'm glad to hear that WA are being so supportive as we all hoped they would be.

You can worry about what to tell people later. I went with something vague about how everything had built up with XP and in the end it was all just too much. People seemed happy with that.

Good luck. Will be thinking of you tomorrow. xx

Good on you, GB...rooting for you!

Perhaps when/if you meet other women in a refuge, you will find out that what you've been living with is truly awful and frightening. I guess you'll just have to take that from me/us for now ie those who have been through this ourselves and come out the other side. I said on one of your previous threads that I hung around DV literature for years but thought I was a fraud as I had never been hit - it wasn't until I met other victims of domestic abuse that I finally saw that what I had experienced was just as bad (some said it was worse...) as physical violence.

As for what you tell other people, see to that when it comes. For now, you have to get you and your kids safe and that's all that matters for the minute. I agree with bunchamunchy that you can ask for advice re some generic statements you can make. You don't have to tell everything, you are answerable to you and your kids, nobody else. Your marriage is actually no-one's business tbf, you don't owe an explanation to anybody.

Well done for starting another thread. You've done so well GB, I really am so impressed. You have hung on when it was all so difficult to face but you didn't turn away. You and your kids deserve the peace you've worked hard for. Well done.

I've looked at your threads on and off, but I guess I'm missing bits of the story...

* I can't get it fixed with my own money, because H insists it is not that bad and will not let me. *

Why can't you use your money to get it fixed? How can he stop you? You phone the garage, take the car in, get it fixed, pay for it. He is away working long hours this week. How can he stop you?

Not that I want you to stay and get the car fixed as opposed to leaving! Just I don't understand this.

Good luck GB. Will be rooting for you tommorrow

NotGood you really need to look at the other threads in more detail.