Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Husband's affair - I'm completely broken, please help(446 Posts)
I found out last week that my DH of 22 years has been having an affair. It was with a woman he met online who is also married and ten years younger than me. I found out when her husband knocked on our door at midnight and told me, in a rage. Our 20 year old son heard everything and is inconsolable. When the husband had gone my DH told me he'd already finished the affair a few weeks earlier, he was drunk and it meant nothing. I was shocked and angry and unbelievably sad but he works away a lot and it's something I'd always feared. He swore it was the first time he'd been unfaithful in the 24 years we've been together.
The next morning I was burning up with anger and asked him to leave. I went out. He then phones me to tell me the OW has turned up at our house wanting to apologise and is demanding to speak to me. I was so livid I went home and grabbed his phone and called her. I told her he wasn't leaving, neither was I and he was drunk and she meant nothing to him. What followed has broken me.
She was obviously enraged by this. And told me the truth. He loved her, he hasn't finished it, had been meeting at hotels for four months, he said she was love of his life. Thousands and thousands of FB messages. To cut a long story short me and DH ended up driving down to their house that night as both me and OW needed answers from DH.
We all talked for almost two hours. He admitted he loved her, had told her she was love of his life, best friend and soulmate. He'd told her that morning that he loved her but couldn't leave because he has nowhere to go. He'd bought her presents. Talked to her almost constantly on FB for months. Said he was unhappy, I'm boring, our sex life is rubbish. But because i now knew he told her it had to stop and he's staying with me. She was crying and devastated. He'd told her we were just friends now and he hasn't felt anything more than friendship for me for over a decade. He was clearly besotted with her. And she with him.
I was having panic attacks. Can't eat. Want to kill her, him, myself. She showed me a FB message where he called me a boring twat. I thought we'd had a lovely day that day - we'd even had sex. He took her to a hotel the day after.
She refused to stop contacting him. Threatening to tell our 19 year old daughter (who still doesn't know) and his boss, which would get him sacked as he took her to hotels on fake business trips on expenses. I made it clear he couldn't ever speak to her again and was feeling physically like I might die. She then texts to say she's pregnant. Her husband phoned going mad as he says it's impossible it's his, it's my DH's.
My DH is, to his credit refusing to speak to her and has told her to have an abortion and never contact us again. Her husband phoned pleading for him to speak to her as she's slashed all her arms with a razor over the guilt of having to face an abortion. But I've told him I'll kill myself if he speaks to her again. Our son hates him. Our life is shattered and I'm destroyed.
I can't bear to think he loved her so much. It was plainly obvious. He claims not to now and I know he isn't in contact with her. Could he really have fallen out of love with her in the space of 24 hours? They'd just come back from a hotel when her husband found out and came to our house. I don't know what to do or think. I'm grieving and love him. I'm 48 and don't work or drive. I have nothing without him. He's my life. Please, please help me.
Really bad taste Betrayed40. Do one.
Betrayed stop posting under everything. It is beyond annoying. You don't want to give help or support you just want hits on your blog, which for a guess offers crappy advice like the 'men are simple creatures' crap you keep saying on other threads.
sorry to de rail- it just started bugging me, hope things have settled doen for you op and you are where you want to be x
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
OP. come back.......please........x
He says he didn't mean it/no longer feels it. I suppose that has to mean something.
REALLY ? he SAYS this?
His actions show something else entirely though don't they... his actions show , no PROVE he doesn't give a shit about you. PLEASE have some self respect and get rid of a person ( I cannot call him a man- he is an arsewipe) who speaks of you in such a derogatory way. would you accept this from a friend ? They why would you accept this from the person who is supposed to love and cherish you?
He is vile VILE . selfish, entitled and utterly self obsessed. He doesn't care for you AT ALL, you are shit on his shoe to him. He doesn't 'hate' her, he has extremely strong feelings for her - why would you even consider accepting that
The only thing that would make me feel any better in your situation OP is knowing that you are a good, faithful, caring, trustworthy person with a good heart and morals. Much the opposite of the despicable person you call 'husband'.
You don't 'need' someone who has nothing good going for them. He is not a good person. In what way will this man enrich your life?
Without him you can soar... or let him clip your wings and watch yourself, your real self, shrivel and fade into a shadow.
Janey, don't disappear
How are things ?
Janey, there are no excuses for his behaviour. Whether he got caught up in excitement etc. he chose to do this, he decided to run you down to OW and have unprotected sex and if they hadn't been found out it would still be going on. He is also choosing to lie.
None of this is your fault. He decided to do it all himself, he could have helped himself if he wanted to. Do not make excuses for him, he is NOT a victim.
Janey - I feel so sorry for you.
Although I thought you should throw him out, I felt bad that the MN collective were all saying what you did not want to hear. Sometimes couples must get over infidelity. I have 2 friends that have. And although I thought my friend bonkers - I could totally understand her reasoning for forgiving and moving on.
But when I read your post about the messages you've seen, I thought how could you ever get over this betrayal? He has opened his heart and soul to this other woman and described you as something abhorrent to him. I think one could maybe get over the declarations of love to the OW, but to be humiliated and degraded in his references to you? Never could I get over it.
I have another friend whose marriage broke up after his affair. In all the hideous fall out that took place between them, the thing she remembers most (10 years later) is that he said their sex life was crap. She is still damaged by this today.
Janey... I felt compelled to post on your thread. I'm so sorry for your pain. I can't really imagine how you feel but I KNOW how I felt.
Reading your posts doesn't actually worry me at all.. I'm not the slightest bit concerned about you BECAUSE you keep coming back here. You know what you're being told is not the truth and, whilst it hurts and smarts, and reading your husband's words to another woman is excrutiating, you still have the strength of nerve to do it.
That strength is what is going to get you through. You're desensitising yourself to what he's done, told you and written and you know that in doing that, the pain isn't going to get worse but WILL get better. I wish I'd had that grain of fortitude that is keeping you going because it will serve you well in the days and weeks to come.
I'd stake my GHDs (much loved) that you are - maybe subconciously - preparing yourself to let go of this man whom you no longer know anything about - other than that a) he doesn't love you and b) you cannot trust. When the mist clears - and it will - you'll know what to do for yourself. Whatever fears and concerns you have for the future, you know that you can choose what happens next and how you live your life. I don't think a woman like you would ever be satisfied with a husband who has done this to her, even if it seems at the moment that you have no other options. You do. You know, deep down, that life with this man would never go back to what it was, you'd be reliving what he said and did on an endless loop and that's beneath what you should tolerate.
I know that some of the posts have probably hit you like a 'sucker punch'... I know that sometimes I read AF's posts and gasp at the starkness of them... then I go away and think about what she's written and marvel at the accuracy and the absolute compassion in them. I picked on AF there but there are lots of other posters who are worth their weight in Plutonium also. The thing that everybody has in common is that they are here for you... just YOU. Your husband isn't and never will be again - and you'll make it just fine without him when you're ready.
Those awful things he said about you can't ever be taken back. They will always be there. That's his view of you. That's his valuation of you.
How can you ever trust him again? He is a liar, a cruel, deceitful man.
And a cynical user, who will tell you what you want to hear to get what he wants.
You are worth much more than this.
Janey, do you really believe what your husband is saying?
Sorry - autocorrect. Of course I meant Janey.
Janet, I've read all of your comments and some replies. How can you compete with OW? You don't, because YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TO. I have been where you are, except in my case it was a suspected pregnancy which never materialised. Your OH is saying anything and everything he can at the moment because he knows he's been caught out and is desperate to hold on to the comfortable, safe life he had. Any man who does this to a woman does not love or respect her. Tell him you both need space and make him move out for a while - where is not your problem (he made this situation not you). IF he comes back to you, over a space of many months working with you to rebuild your trust in him (no lies, total openness), then you might have a future together. If not, then he really deserves not to have you in his life. You are worth more than making do with knowing you are second best.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I hope their are people out there to support you right now OP, i can't imagine how i would feel in your situation or how i would begin to deal with it, you truly are one brave, strong woman, and you are in my thoughts....
He lied to her. He lied to you. He's still lying to get his own selfish way and save his own reputation and comfortable life. Whatever way you look at it, he lies to women (whether then or now, or more likely, both) and so you can't trust what he tells you.
He has done something terrible to your relationship. He has betrayed you verbally and physically. He's not the man you thought he was (although you seem to have suspected and feared his adultry), he's not the man you love.
You can't go back to when you didn't know this about him. By accepting him back with the only condition that he gives up this affair, makes him realise that you will put up with being cheated on for as long as he doesn't get caught, and then if caught, if he says he's sorry and end the affair.
Do you not think you deserve better than living with a cheat and liar who doesn't love, cherish and respect you? I think you deserve better. So does everyone on here. How dare he make you feel jealous of a woman who cheated on her husband and young family? It doesn't matter how attractive, clever or brave they thought she was being. She was selfish, lying and cheating.
Although I am of the opinion that he ought to leave, at least temporarily and have to change and improve himself and fight for you rather than have you fight for him.... what about marriage counselling? Has he offered to really work on saving your marriage from within it? But I guess if you'd never leave him, he doesn't need to worry about saving it?
I know you're in shock about what he done and that has left you angry, hurt and confused. When you're ready, you'll be angry at him and you'll think 'how dare he?' rather than 'What was wrong with me?' 'How dare he treat me with so little regard when I had health problems and was running about keeping house for him?' Then you might like to think about whether you want him (the real him that he's revealed to you now: the liar, the cheat, the man who thinks women are disposable) in your life anymore.
Please think about what was said up thread about trying to find space (maybe through counselling or with friends) to think about the sort of life you want, the kind of people you want to spend it with. Because you deserve so much more than he's offering.
He does mean it.
He is a vile excuse for human being.
You are worth so much more than this.
You will never be able to forget those awful things he wrote. He didn't say them in he heat of the moment. He typed them, thought about the, and then sent them.
Please don't waste another minute of your life with this bastard.
You have a future.
Just not one with him in it.
Look, it's more a case of you being out of his league and him having lost the right to compete for you.
Someone who reads books, poetry and likes obscure music can still have an ugly soul and no morals or decency. And a bloke who writes things like that about his wife and the mother of his children isn't worth the shit on anybody's shoe.
You're worth 10 times more than either of them.
I write this to you despite supporting various friends who've had ill-judged, infatuation type affairs and have rebuilt their marriages from scratch. I'm not a poster who says 'leave the bastard' if he's had an affair. Not all affairs are the same and not everyone is this cruel and abusive to a partner when they happen.
But this one is so straightforward and the behaviour so awful, there is no doubt in my mind about what should happen, if you are ever to gain any self-respect and the respect of your children.
This man needs to go.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.