Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Husband's affair - I'm completely broken, please help

(446 Posts)
Janeysbroken Mon 18-Mar-13 20:16:55

I found out last week that my DH of 22 years has been having an affair. It was with a woman he met online who is also married and ten years younger than me. I found out when her husband knocked on our door at midnight and told me, in a rage. Our 20 year old son heard everything and is inconsolable. When the husband had gone my DH told me he'd already finished the affair a few weeks earlier, he was drunk and it meant nothing. I was shocked and angry and unbelievably sad but he works away a lot and it's something I'd always feared. He swore it was the first time he'd been unfaithful in the 24 years we've been together.

The next morning I was burning up with anger and asked him to leave. I went out. He then phones me to tell me the OW has turned up at our house wanting to apologise and is demanding to speak to me. I was so livid I went home and grabbed his phone and called her. I told her he wasn't leaving, neither was I and he was drunk and she meant nothing to him. What followed has broken me.

She was obviously enraged by this. And told me the truth. He loved her, he hasn't finished it, had been meeting at hotels for four months, he said she was love of his life. Thousands and thousands of FB messages. To cut a long story short me and DH ended up driving down to their house that night as both me and OW needed answers from DH.

We all talked for almost two hours. He admitted he loved her, had told her she was love of his life, best friend and soulmate. He'd told her that morning that he loved her but couldn't leave because he has nowhere to go. He'd bought her presents. Talked to her almost constantly on FB for months. Said he was unhappy, I'm boring, our sex life is rubbish. But because i now knew he told her it had to stop and he's staying with me. She was crying and devastated. He'd told her we were just friends now and he hasn't felt anything more than friendship for me for over a decade. He was clearly besotted with her. And she with him.

I was having panic attacks. Can't eat. Want to kill her, him, myself. She showed me a FB message where he called me a boring twat. I thought we'd had a lovely day that day - we'd even had sex. He took her to a hotel the day after.

She refused to stop contacting him. Threatening to tell our 19 year old daughter (who still doesn't know) and his boss, which would get him sacked as he took her to hotels on fake business trips on expenses. I made it clear he couldn't ever speak to her again and was feeling physically like I might die. She then texts to say she's pregnant. Her husband phoned going mad as he says it's impossible it's his, it's my DH's.

My DH is, to his credit refusing to speak to her and has told her to have an abortion and never contact us again. Her husband phoned pleading for him to speak to her as she's slashed all her arms with a razor over the guilt of having to face an abortion. But I've told him I'll kill myself if he speaks to her again. Our son hates him. Our life is shattered and I'm destroyed.

I can't bear to think he loved her so much. It was plainly obvious. He claims not to now and I know he isn't in contact with her. Could he really have fallen out of love with her in the space of 24 hours? They'd just come back from a hotel when her husband found out and came to our house. I don't know what to do or think. I'm grieving and love him. I'm 48 and don't work or drive. I have nothing without him. He's my life. Please, please help me.

Bartlebee Mon 18-Mar-13 21:34:18

I feel very sorry for you OP, but, honestly, read your posts back.

How could you contemplate a future with this man?

You are having a knee jerk reaction of wanting to stay together because he has taken the future you thought you had away.

Get angry and get rid with your head held high.

Strangemagic Mon 18-Mar-13 21:34:34

I am sorry to say this but he checked out of the marriage years ago,you are jealous of what you could of had not what they had,do you really want this hanging over you for the rest of your life,first thing you need to tell him to do is show some responsibility towards this pregnancy and support this woman.
What if she doesn't have an abortion it will never be over,what if she does and he leaves you anyway once the dust has settles.

You will never be able to trust him again,I am sorry this is happening to you but stop being their victim,take control,give him some shit and see how he likes it,she was wrong but he was married to you,you can't blame her for everything,if it hadn't of been her it would have been someone else .

VitoCorleone Mon 18-Mar-13 21:35:25

So he's still at home? Probably thinking he's gods gift to women, that he's cheated on his wife but she's standing by him. He needs a smack in the gob

Strangemagic Mon 18-Mar-13 21:41:21

You've already lost him to the other woman,they have said they love each other,you can't hold on to what you have already lost,she got the best of him and you got nothing,you might physically keep him living with you but you know how he sees your relationship.

AnyFucker Mon 18-Mar-13 21:49:16

The "best" of this man is worth jackshit.

The sweetest outcome is both women drop him, he gets the sack and ends up getting eaten by Alsatians.

Skyebluesapphire Mon 18-Mar-13 21:49:34

Janey - it is easy to see the pain that you are in and I understand the hurt, as do many others on here, but this man has treated you appallingly. If I knew that my XH had said all those things to another woman, I would have been heartbroken, but I would not want him back.

I have been there, to a degree - my XH walked out very suddenly and it turned out that he was having an Emotional Affair at the least with OW. i begged him to come back, said I would do anything, even tried to become friends with her, to make her see what she was doing. I asked him to stop contacting her - she is married to his best mate.

so even after I discovered the deceit, I still wanted him back, rather than change my life as I knew it.

But now I know, that I am worth so much more. and I would rather be on my own, than be somebody's second choice. You need to talk to your H, to find out why he said those things to her if he didn't mean them and why he said those things about you if he didn't mean them.

It doesn't sound like you had much of a relationship anyway, if you were in separate rooms etc. that doesn't give him an excuse to cheat, he could have talked to you and tried to sort things out and left if he felt that was what he needed to do. instead he cheated on you, told another woman that he loved her, that she was his soulmate.... then dumps her because you say so.

This man isn't much of a prize for either her or you, to be honest.

It is better to be lonely on your own, than lonely in company.

I honestly know how you feel, as do so many others that post here, and it takes a huge amount of time to start to feel normal again, but I honestly dont see how you can build a life with this man. Will he change his mind and run off with her? Will he find another pretty face?

If he met her online, then he must have been actively looking for somebody. he should have done the decent thing and left before he started to look for somebody else.

Have you asked him why he is staying now? Is it because he loves you and can't bear to be without you? Why do you want him to stay?

Please please think about what you want and how you are going to achieve it

ChippingInIsEggceptional Mon 18-Mar-13 21:53:06

I just want to hold you & let you cry - your pain is so palpable sad

You love him
You want him
You want her to fuck off
You want your life back as it was before this happened
You want the man back that you thought you knew
You want your innocence back (as to what he thinks of you)

You don't want to hear what a shit your DH that you love is. You love him and he's yours and you don't want other people telling you what a bastard he is.

You will do everything you can to keep them apart and keep him.

I understand all of that (as only one who has been there and done that can).

However, as one who has been there and done that - I can tell you, that no matter what, you cannot 'go back' you can only 'go forwards' and build an entirely new life either with him or without him.

Right now 'with him' feels like the only thing you want... but, it's a long, hard road which most people don't make it down. The person who had the affair needs to want it 100%, they need to work on it, they need to willingly rebuild trust, they need to understand how much harm they have caused - and they are rarely willing to do all of that, they mostly want to brush it under the carpet and forget about it (whilst pining for their soulmate and true love).

You can't make him stay away from her.
You can't make him love you.
You can't make this right by yourself.

The vast majority of people come to realise that 'trying to make it work' is futile once it gets to this stage sad

I truely wish I had a magic wand to wave for you - but all I have is a big virtual hug x

Janeysbroken Mon 18-Mar-13 21:58:50

Thank you for all the replies.

I know deep down that they won't see each other again. He says he's lost all the feelings for her because of what it's done to me and because he feels he's lost his son. And the last contact she had with him was an email full of vitriol telling him she couldn't believe how he'd acted, he was a spineless loser, piece of shit etc. and to never contact her again.

He's worked away a lot for over 20 years. She shouted at me over the phone that I controlled him, didn't let him do anything. But we only really have weekends together properly and no, I didn't want him going out with his mates. On occasional Friday/Saturday nights maybe but not all day. I don't like pubs or drinking. He does. So he goes on his own during the week if he's away. He said he didn't mind not having a social life and likes his own company. I honestly believe it's the first time he's been unfaithful.

She looks years younger than she is, is very pretty. She's highly educated. I left school at 16. Have only ever had cleaning jobs. After 24 years with him. 22 year marriage. I'd never get another relationship. Neither of us has anywhere else to go. We're just getting through each day. It's just I want the old him back. Not this new version I didn't know or recognise.

AnyFucker Mon 18-Mar-13 22:00:46

And the last contact she had with him was an email full of vitriol telling him she couldn't believe how he'd acted, he was a spineless loser, piece of shit etc. and to never contact her again.

She is right.

nkf Mon 18-Mar-13 22:03:13

Please stop putting yourself down. Of course she will say horrible things about you. Of course he will. But you don't have to. And you shouldn't. Please don't.

As to wanting him back. He's gone. He's already gone. Mourn him as if he were dead and look forward.

Badvoc Mon 18-Mar-13 22:03:32

Janey.
You cannot have the old him back.
This is the reality.
The reality is he has been having an affair, has mocked you and your life together got another woman pg and then told her to get an abortion.
And you seem to think that is "to his credit"
He really has done a number on you! Hasn't he?
sad

DragonMamma Mon 18-Mar-13 22:04:56

I think you need to open your eyes and see him for what he is Janey.

You are understandably in denial but please don't sweep this under the carpet because you're relieved that you've 'won'

They'll see each other again. I guarantee it.

nkf Mon 18-Mar-13 22:05:11

And they will almost certainly get together again. It's almost certain. Why wouldn't they? She wants him and he thinks he's entitled to have her.

Stop emoting with him. Both of you threatening things. Some men like dramas like this. My ex did.

Head high. Cold and calm. Act it if you don't believe it. And the GP and a counsellor asap.

Skyebluesapphire Mon 18-Mar-13 22:06:33

I agree with AF about her email. She is right. He has treated her appallingly too....

Your old H is gone forever, same as my XH is. I cried, I wanted him back. But he is not he same person now and neither is your H.

oh yes, and OW told me that I "organised and controlled" him. Its all part of the script..

Chubfuddler Mon 18-Mar-13 22:08:27

Oh janey. You sound so down trodden. Is there a reason you let him treat you like this? He's supposed to cherish you. It's supposed to be him and you contra mundi. If that's not how it is, what's the bloody point?

Don't settle. Don't be someone that someone settles for. It's better to travel alone than badly accompanied. Honestly it is.

Ruprekt Mon 18-Mar-13 22:09:31

Why were things so bad with your H that you were in separate rooms? Have you had problems for awhile?

AnyFucker Mon 18-Mar-13 22:10:15

Quite soon, love, you will tire of the drama of him

All about him. This is 2013. It's really not all about him. You have many years left to enjoy your life without him. Possibly to find a better man. It wouldn't be difficult to find a better man than this. He is a cunt.

Skyebluesapphire Mon 18-Mar-13 22:10:40

I have just bumped the following thread as there are a couple of you on here who sadly need to read it, but here is the link too

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

Janeysbroken Mon 18-Mar-13 22:13:40

I know you are all right, but I haven't got it in me.

He says he hates her now. I believe him. He seems genuinely sorry. Why would he see her again? I can't believe he would put her over our children.

Does anyone think we can make it work?

AnyFucker Mon 18-Mar-13 22:15:00

No

nkf Mon 18-Mar-13 22:15:40

Make it work? Is there a we? Still? You have more in you than you know. Your children aren't babies. Why wouldn't he put himself over two adults? He's already put himself ahead of you.

nkf Mon 18-Mar-13 22:17:41

Nothing that he says has to be believed. It is part of the script to say that the wife is boring and controlling. It's part of the script to say that he didn't really care about the other woman. My ex said things about the other woman (now his wife) that were just disgusting. When he thought he had a chance of getting back with me. You don't have to believe a word he says.

Skyebluesapphire Mon 18-Mar-13 22:18:19

I will go against the majority and say that if you want to try and make it work, then do that, but remember it takes two to make it work. You need to address why you havent had sex for years and sleep in separate rooms. Not that it excuses your H, but a marriage like that must be very lonely for the partner who doesnt want it to be that way.

you would need counselling, probably together and individually. You need to ask yourself if you can forgive him, what you want from the future. your H needs to ask himself why he did it, does he resent you, how he can fix what he has done.

It would be a mammoth task.

But its your marriage and it is up to you to decide, no matter what a bunch of strangers on the internet think.

Just remember that a lot of us have sadly been there and talk from experience sad I went against advice as I was so desperate, but people here were right as they had been there done that

Badvoc Mon 18-Mar-13 22:18:47

No.
I am sorry op.

AnyFucker Mon 18-Mar-13 22:19:06

He already put her over his children confused

Janey, does it not bother you at all that he now "hates" her so readily?

That he could so easily discard a woman he must have promised the earth to ?
Like he discarded you so he could shag her , whilst simultaneously taking the piss out of you with this woman ?

Now, he flips back to you and rubbishes her.

Can you really want a man like this ? These are terrible lessons to hand over to your children, from both of you

To just throw someone on the scrapheap...first you, then her, an innocent unborn child and soon it will be you again.

What sort of person does this? Is this the sort of person you dreamed about being married to ? Sharing your one precious life with ? Being an example to your children ?

Surely not.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now