Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Husband's affair - I'm completely broken, please help

(446 Posts)
Janeysbroken Mon 18-Mar-13 20:16:55

I found out last week that my DH of 22 years has been having an affair. It was with a woman he met online who is also married and ten years younger than me. I found out when her husband knocked on our door at midnight and told me, in a rage. Our 20 year old son heard everything and is inconsolable. When the husband had gone my DH told me he'd already finished the affair a few weeks earlier, he was drunk and it meant nothing. I was shocked and angry and unbelievably sad but he works away a lot and it's something I'd always feared. He swore it was the first time he'd been unfaithful in the 24 years we've been together.

The next morning I was burning up with anger and asked him to leave. I went out. He then phones me to tell me the OW has turned up at our house wanting to apologise and is demanding to speak to me. I was so livid I went home and grabbed his phone and called her. I told her he wasn't leaving, neither was I and he was drunk and she meant nothing to him. What followed has broken me.

She was obviously enraged by this. And told me the truth. He loved her, he hasn't finished it, had been meeting at hotels for four months, he said she was love of his life. Thousands and thousands of FB messages. To cut a long story short me and DH ended up driving down to their house that night as both me and OW needed answers from DH.

We all talked for almost two hours. He admitted he loved her, had told her she was love of his life, best friend and soulmate. He'd told her that morning that he loved her but couldn't leave because he has nowhere to go. He'd bought her presents. Talked to her almost constantly on FB for months. Said he was unhappy, I'm boring, our sex life is rubbish. But because i now knew he told her it had to stop and he's staying with me. She was crying and devastated. He'd told her we were just friends now and he hasn't felt anything more than friendship for me for over a decade. He was clearly besotted with her. And she with him.

I was having panic attacks. Can't eat. Want to kill her, him, myself. She showed me a FB message where he called me a boring twat. I thought we'd had a lovely day that day - we'd even had sex. He took her to a hotel the day after.

She refused to stop contacting him. Threatening to tell our 19 year old daughter (who still doesn't know) and his boss, which would get him sacked as he took her to hotels on fake business trips on expenses. I made it clear he couldn't ever speak to her again and was feeling physically like I might die. She then texts to say she's pregnant. Her husband phoned going mad as he says it's impossible it's his, it's my DH's.

My DH is, to his credit refusing to speak to her and has told her to have an abortion and never contact us again. Her husband phoned pleading for him to speak to her as she's slashed all her arms with a razor over the guilt of having to face an abortion. But I've told him I'll kill myself if he speaks to her again. Our son hates him. Our life is shattered and I'm destroyed.

I can't bear to think he loved her so much. It was plainly obvious. He claims not to now and I know he isn't in contact with her. Could he really have fallen out of love with her in the space of 24 hours? They'd just come back from a hotel when her husband found out and came to our house. I don't know what to do or think. I'm grieving and love him. I'm 48 and don't work or drive. I have nothing without him. He's my life. Please, please help me.

I'm so sorry sad what a terrible situation for you.
He's a vile worm, you deserve so much better than this- he's told her to have an abortion?! He sounds like scummy pond life, and you need to take control.
Do you have RL support?

badinage Mon 18-Mar-13 20:23:38

Oh dear.

Prepare for the understandable onslaught about this despicable man, but I just want to focus on you.

Please tell him it's over.

Any man who can treat people including an unborn child this badly doesn't deserve oxygen, let alone a relationship.

You on the other hand deserve a life so much better than this. Please take it.

Please don't say you have nothing but him. You have your life and your health. Your character, your integrity. You have your lovely children.

Your life is impovishered by this man.

I'm so sorry but please remind me why you are fighting to keep this vile, cruel man? He will have to support you financially if you divorce and you don't work at the moment. Of course he's not your life, that's panic talking. You can and will do it without him. I wish you luck, but really, you know what you must do.

MolotovCocktail Mon 18-Mar-13 20:25:47

I'm sure that there will some much wiser MNetter along soon, but, do you have family or friends near who can help you for a while? Really, your relationship with your 'D'H needs to end, because he's treated you appallingly. You deserve better. your DCs deserve better. He has deceived you so completely that he does not deserve your company any more. I'm so sorry for you, but IMHO, this relationship needs to be over, and you should be the one to end it. Kick his arse out.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 18-Mar-13 20:26:51

So sorry sad

They always minimise their cheating - e.g it was just the once, it was a drunken fumble etc as they can't face the consequences of what they have really done.

For many affairs, they become addicted to ego stroke of OW and get caught up in this fantasy bubble - until reality hits and the bubble burst. This is why he found it so easy to fall out of love - it wasn't even love in the first place, just an infatuation.

My advice is not to make any long term decisions as you will keep changing your mind about what you want. You will go through a rollercoaster of emotions and you need time and space to process these.

This means asking him to leave for a while.

I would get both of you to read Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends - it comes highly recommended on here. Also Linda MacDonald's How to Help your Spouse Heal is a good one aimed at the cheater.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 18-Mar-13 20:30:15

Also get real life support.

Once things are less traumatic, you can start to look at your own life - learn to drive, find new interests, training, voluntary work etc and stop making him the centre of your own life.

whattodoo Mon 18-Mar-13 20:34:21

What an absolute shit.

It's easy for me to say from the outside, but I can't honestly see how you can ever trust him again.

He is displaying no love for you, he is staying (for now) for convenience.

Try to find the strength to boot him out and refuse all contact from OW and hit husband.

Concentrate on working out your future.

CATSNDOGS Mon 18-Mar-13 20:35:51

You must be hurting so much right now. Your post nearly brought a tear to my eye.

Talk to someone in RL and dont feel embarrassed/ ashamed about things, I would be delighted to help/listen/ support a friend like this.

You can't see it now but you probably have plenty going and DO have things without your H. You need to really think hard about whether the marriage can continue after this.

I have no advice really to offer except think very carefully about your own emotional health and look out for your nearly grown up children too. Please start thinking about practical things, like a solicitor. I know its very early and raw but dont brush that aspect under the carpet.

Right now, you owe him very little and if you do decide to start your own life without him, you will be able to do it. It will be tough and you will have to build your confidence up and make some tricky decisions.

Try to take things a bit at a time.

JaceyBee Mon 18-Mar-13 20:37:57

I'm so sorry his has happened to you, I can feel how devastated you must be. But I really don't think that your husband refusing to acknowledge this woman is (apparently) pregnant with his baby and effectively forcing her to have a termination she doesn't want is 'to his credit'. I think it makes him a cunt.

Also, please don't tell him you will kill yourself if he speaks to her. It won't do you any good in the long run. If you are genuinely feeling suicidal, which is more than understandable, you must go and see a GP. Can you get friends and family around you to support you? You will get through this ok. Stay strong x

eatmydust Mon 18-Mar-13 20:38:32

I didn't want to read and run - so sorry you are going through this.

Don't make any immediate decisions, you've had a grenade thrown into your life and things need to settle. Might be better to ask him to leave to get some space and then start to work through stuff.

Just from experience, please try and talk to your DCs - if your DD is at home she probably does realise what is happening and will be very very upset. Older DCs can be very badly affected.

Keep posting here and we will all support you.

Grinkly Mon 18-Mar-13 20:38:43

You'd be mad to stay with such a liar imo but meanwhile ask him to move out to a B&B or anything to give you breathing space and a brief chance to deal with your own hurt and feelings and to explain to the DCs (DD must be wondering who has terminal cancer with the stress in the home) what has happened ie that DH has had a long affair (no details required).

Then, with him out of the way, start to think about what you want, you can't turn back the clock so what do you really want your future to be? DCs are getting older and becoming independent do you really want your life to revolve solely around this man.

AnyFucker Mon 18-Mar-13 20:42:19

Do you still want this man ?

Really ?

You might think you do, but in a few months time (or less) when the dust has settled you will wake up from this fog and realise you fought to keep a booby prize, damaged goods, a millstone around your neck

Send him on his way. There is no other logical path open to you, I am afraid.

CATSNDOGS Mon 18-Mar-13 20:42:54

Yes, I agree with JaceyBee, please dont say you will take your own life to H.

Please speak to a GP if you are struggling and didn't just say that in desperation.

Please try to be composed and not give H any "justification" as to why he turned to another woman. Sorry, I know that is hard to hear.

You and your 2 children need to stay strong for each other.

CardinalRichelieu Mon 18-Mar-13 20:45:08

I would just say, you can't really believe anything that he or she says. You are going to drive yourself mad if you try to work out what's true and what isn't.

He may have told her he loves her when he doesn't really. He may have actually loved her or it may have been strong infatuation (so he meant it when he said it).

Just from the small bit of info you've given, she sounds like she likes a bit of drama. I would be sceptical about this supposed pregnancy, and any of the other details. It could be that she has quite an ego and is trying to make herself seem more important than she actually is, trying to keep the upper hand and manipulate everyone.

But even if this is true it doesn't change the fact that your husband really does not look good in this. Just telling someone to have an abortion isn't 'to his credit' at all - it just shows that he doesn't give a shit about anyone except himself.

Don't worry too much about finances etc - he will be obliged to support you as you do not work. You could learn to drive.

I feel very sorry for you, especially seeing that FB message. That must have been horrible. I would not be able to trust that man again, knowing how capable of deception he is.

BendyBusBuggy Mon 18-Mar-13 20:45:10

Agree with Grinkly. Give yourselve time and space to grieve and think things through. Tell your DD ( but don't ask DCs to take sides). I am so sorry OP

Strangemagic Mon 18-Mar-13 20:45:18

You need to be strong,this is your life now,it won't be like this forever,do you really want him to stay because he feels obligated to you,if he says he loves her and she loves him I don't think there is any marriage left to save.
Do you really want a man that can just wash his hand over another person so callously,he can't just say "get an abortion" and thats the end,and now he has you defending his behaviour to the OW.

He doesn't know what he wants but what he is doing is hurting people,perhaps it would be better if he left for a while and gave you some space,your marrige is your buisness but at some point you are going to have to make a stand.
He can only treat you this way if you allow him to do so,you are letting him have all the power,you are better than him.
Remember he said I love you to her and then casually said "get an abortion",he made vows to you then had affair that is not love.Good luck.

badinage Mon 18-Mar-13 20:46:52

Bollocks to being composed. Get angry. Anger will give you the strength to show him the door and focus on you and your children.

There can be no justification for treating two women and an unborn child this callously.

Branleuse Mon 18-Mar-13 20:46:59

to his credit??? Really???

Im so sorry youre going through this. Try and look at it objectively. He is not worth it. Hes a two timing cunt of the highest order

Xales Mon 18-Mar-13 20:50:04

He admitted he loved her,she is the love of his life, his best friend and soul mate.

He refused to talk to the woman he feels all that about and coldly told her to have an abortion!

What a fucking prise this man is.

He hasn't felt anything for you in over a decade,you are boring and the only reason he stays is as he has no where else to go!

Please get some self respect. You deserve more than this.

Also he has clearly had unprotected sex please visit an STI clinic.

BarredfromhavingStella Mon 18-Mar-13 20:53:37

Show him the door & hit him on the arse with it when he's on his way out.
He's lied & cheated & has zero regard for you & your children-do not fight for him as you're worth so much more.
Get RL help & get rid, your life will be so much better for it.
flowers

Ruprekt Mon 18-Mar-13 20:53:51

Listen to these wise words Janey.

When you can breathe again, you will realise that you are worth more and you can have a life without him. A good life and a happy life.

You dont need this worthless cheating scumbag! He only ended it cos he was found out or he would still be sleeping with her.

Kick him out, pack a bin bag with his stuff and let him go.

There is loads of support for you here......just keep posting.

((()))) smile

Be kind to yourself and try to eat something.

badinage Mon 18-Mar-13 20:56:02

Also, do go to a solicitor.

He's been defrauding and stealing from his company and the OW won't think twice about letting them know about it, as threatened. That's gross misconduct and he is liable to get the sack.

This leaves your future financial status extremely precarious as you don't work yourself. If you can tie up the financial details as quickly as possible making sure you and the children are protected in the event of him losing his livelihood, that would be for the best.

nkf Mon 18-Mar-13 20:56:31

Back to you. You. You. And your children. Stop thinking about him. I know it's hard. But what you have to do is look ahead and do the next right thing. For you. It is a mess. He has created a mess. So has she. You want no part of it. Your life is not to be littered with mess and dirt. Be straight with the children. Be honest. And go forward.

JiminyCricketsMiddleWicket Mon 18-Mar-13 20:57:01

In a year's time; even if you are still together; do you think you will feel safe, loved,cherished. Or will you always be looking over your shoulder and wondering if you are a "boring twat" ?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now