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At what point do you just accept you are single and thats the way its going to stay?

(290 Posts)
Singlesupplement Mon 18-Mar-13 08:38:27

Ive been on my own for 5 years now, post divorce. This will be my sixth summer on my own.

Im fine, i have a full life, noone would ever guess i long for a relationship, but i do.

For Whatever reason, its just not happening for me.

This comes off the back of a terrible weekend where i was stood up on a 4th date.

I do online dating, i go out and about with friends. But in this whole time ive not had one relationship, not even a short term fling.

I do not understand what the issue is, i keep trying but not getting anywhere.

At what point do i just give up, accept that thats it for me?

Im 35.

greendental Mon 18-Mar-13 20:52:58

Now you see a fwb' s would suit me at the moment - they require no effort, just a thoroughly enjoyable shag every now and then grin

But, I do get what you mean Leslie. I had many a fwb set up when I was younger but I wonder if I would be able to stay quite so detached now.

Singlesupplement Mon 18-Mar-13 20:53:41

I can make time for people, easily. So i dont think its that.

The internet is full of liars, ive been doing it for a while so im pretty good at knowing how it works.

I've tried the internet. I tried guardian soulmates and mysinglefriend: no joy whatsoever. I went on one date after the latter. I do find online dating quite contrived and by no means the panacea people think that it is.

I think in terms of 'it may happen when you least expect it' - well yes, it may, but equally, it may not, and I don't think it does any harm to acknowledge that.

ThePskettiIncident Mon 18-Mar-13 21:18:13

I feel the same as you OP. I can only empathise. I'm the same age and haven't met anyone since I had my Ds 2.5 years ago. I was single through pregnancy (Ds dad is nowhere to be found) and before that I'd only had one long relationship of 18 months. I'm a dating wreck. Never ever used to bother me as fun and freedom were more important. Now, I'm just lonely.

No babysitters and no free time as it's just me and Ds 24/7. How in that scenario do you ever meet anyone?

Good luck to you! You sound confident and capable.

Spero Mon 18-Mar-13 21:22:05

Well if you are not happy being single, keep trying. The same old advice gets trotted out because, er that's all there is. You need to meet someone you click with. So you internet date, you join clubs, you ask your friends to set you up.

If that is too dreary, don't do it. But accept that it is unlikely you will just bump into your soulmate on the street. Although some people claim that has happened, so who knows?

I appreciate it can be very difficult at times. But either try or give up. Don't sit on the fence grumbling about it.

LeslieWink1e Mon 18-Mar-13 21:24:30

Maleview70, how do you compile a profile which makes it clear that you won't shag somebody who's still making up his mind? if that sounds a bit 'uptight' i'd live with that. tbh would rather only have a profile garner 6 dates in one year than be bombarded with jackasses looking for free prostitutes.

LeslieWink1e Mon 18-Mar-13 21:26:18

Spero 'grumbling'? can we not just discuss it!? Afterall, this is the sort of thing I never discuss in rl. I just wouldn't dream of it. nice to be able to let it out a bit here, especially with other people who understand.

piratecat Mon 18-Mar-13 21:30:18

op, i don't think i will accept i will always be single, that's too depressing, but it's how it is right now.

I find it hard to imagine i will meet anyone as each yr alone goes by (that's 8 of them now). Yet i am not giving up or accepting. Am 44 so the child thing is prob out the window.

This makes me the saddest.

LeslieWink1e Mon 18-Mar-13 21:31:23

porridge, the only good thing about internet dating is that it might make you more confident with the people you meet in real life. my friend was telling me that her sister had had about 8 disastrous dates in a row, and then she met a guy in real life, in a situation where a bit of banter and chit chat was acceptable, but moving it beyond banter to the next stage, asking the other out, that is always the impasse isn't it? Well her sister ended up getting a date with this guy.

I'm not sure that you should ever really give up.

I am always telling people that I don't mind being single, ad that I have accepted that this is it for me, but I don't really believe it if i'm honest.

I've been single for 7 years. I did have one very brief relationship last year but it was crap. I do have a fwb though.

I am 34 btw, and don't really do online dating, or have much of a social life, and I know that this is my biggest problem.

I would hate to think that I will be single forever, but I do actually think that could happen.

Spero Mon 18-Mar-13 21:44:14

Discussion is fine. I am just getting a sense of grumpiness that is all.

Yes internet dating can be shit. But wait until you cross the 40 barrier, then you can moan! In my brief and not to be repeated efforts on Internet dating, I discovered I was irresistible to men over 55 who posed in ill fitting shorts in their profile pics.

I am 42 and I have now officially 'given up' in that I am not looking, it would be too soul destroying to meet up with these men.

But if I didn't want to give up I would just grit my teeth and keep plugging away. There is no magic wand. I think you have to accept a lot of the decent ones will have been snapped up, most of us on the market into our 30s will have baggage, issues, children etc.

piratecat Mon 18-Mar-13 21:47:03

nut!!!!! waves

piratecat Mon 18-Mar-13 21:47:46

oh i'm deffo grumpy, I'm lovely and i should not be on my own. grin

Spero, I wouldn't say I was grumpy exactly, but just as people in marriages are entitled to a whinge and a moan so too are single people. I think I have "given up" insofar as I am no longer on any dating sites and I am planning to have a baby alone. However, I do sometimes feel a little sad at weddings for example. I think I would have liked to have got married and been in a couple with somebody - it wasn't to be and I can live with that, but I do just sometimes feel a little sad about it.

I am sure many married people feel sad sometimes they no longer have 'freedom' - just the way it goes isn't it? grin

SorrelForbes Mon 18-Mar-13 21:48:57

After I split from my ex-H, I was single for 9 years, basically all through my 30s. I met my DH three days before my 40th. Well, I say met, we actually knew each other from childhood but hasn't seen each other for nearly 20 years. Sadly it's probably too late for me to have children now.

During that 9 years on my own, I only had one 5 month relationship and a few dates. Friends were useless at setting me up so I tried Internet dating, but to no avail.

I wish I knew what the answer was. I know I got lucky and I do count my blessings. Don't give up just yet. Am-dram is meant to be a great place to meet people. However, I am an am-drammer and have never met anyone that way!

Singlesupplement Mon 18-Mar-13 21:49:39

oh, there is a sense of grumpiness. Im not going to say that at this momment in time i am grumpy about it. I think im ALLOWED to be grumpy about it.

Its a shit thing to be single for so long. And to be continually putting yourself out there takes a lot of effort.

I was stood up this weekend on a 4th date. Thats rubbish.

Piatecat sad Sorry. me too, i just have one child. I never planned it to be that way. the child would love a sibbling, asks all the time, its never going to happen. That makes me sad.

Spero Mon 18-Mar-13 21:52:42

Of course everyone is allowed a moan and a whinge. But shit happens. Being lovely and nice doesn't necessarily get you what you want.

The question was 'when should I give up' - my answer would be, when your grumpiness overwhelms you. You won't be giving out very attractive vibes.

VelvetSpoon Mon 18-Mar-13 21:53:49

Thinking about it in forever terms is pretty bleak, personally I have to try not to look that far ahead, if all I see in my future is lonely middle age followed by lonely old age it's too sad for words.

I do think the current era is a horrible one to be single in. Those of us who are in our 30s/40s probably met our XPs/XHs 10/15/20 years ago at work, or college, or in a pub, or through friends, because those were all the opportunities that existed then. Go back another 30 years and there were even less opportunities. Now though we have the internet, and OD, and it's all wonderful because there's so much choice but in reality it's turned a huge proportion of single men into entitled shagmonkeys who basically use women as wank fodder, or for the occasional ONS. Not to mention all the non-single blokes pretending to be unattached.

I do think there are A FEW nice men who OD. But there are so many utter tosspots doing it that you may never meet a nice one, or if you do there might not be a spark.

I've done it on and off since 2009 with virtually no success. There's no obvious reason for that, I'm clever, attractive, I have a very good job, financial independence, my own home, secondary school age children - and I've only met 1 man who didn't lose interest the moment he met me (and the jurys still out on him tbh!). I go out a lot, I am often approached by men, but again, nothing ever comes of it.

Conversely I have a friend who is a lovely person, but a lot less attractive than me, not as clever and in a low paying job. She has had several long term relationships from OD, lots more short term ones, has never been stood up, experienced the vanisher, and only had 1 first date where the guy didnt contact her after and ask to see her again. The main reason I can come up with as to why her experience is almost the polar opposite of mine is that she has no DC.

Single, one of the hardest things is staying positive. You can't. You DO give up sort of within you I think, only people never want to hear it and if you dare verbalise it grin you are either bombarded with stories about their aunt's neighbour's best friend's cousin meeting HER husband at 45 and then having triplets or told off for being too negative.

Well, we're allowed to be negative, just like our married counterparts grin single people aren't a separate breed of the human race!

Velvet I have no DCs and my experiences echo yours so maybe it's just luck?

Or <don't want to sound conceited> are men put off by women with very well paid jobs? hmm

Spero Mon 18-Mar-13 21:59:31

But I think you have got to distinguish between letting off steam and having a moan as opposed to adopting this bleak mindset of I will be alone forever, its all too hard etc etc.

Having seen a lot of shit relationships both personally and professionally I am not so bothered as I was 10 years ago.

It would be lovely if it happened, but as I am making zero effort, it probably won't. But I will make sure I cherish my friendships and my family and I am looking forward to an interesting and hopefully active old age.

Spero - I don't think anyone has said it is too hard, I think just the opposite in fact: people are and have been willing to invest time, money and emotions into finding a partner.

However, the problem with relationships is that unlike other areas of life where input = output, this doesn't ring true for finding a partner. After all, with the best will in the world, you can't MAKE someone find you attractive, want to spend time with you or love/care for you. You can increase the chances of that happening, but when you've tried various avenues and met with dead-ends, this does not mean it's lack of effort on your part, it is just (nine times out of ten) circumstances.

I cherish my friends dearly but they are almost all married. I love my family, yet we are not a large family and I only have my dad and an aunt left both of whom are in their early 70s and won't be around forever. I do think I'll probably grow to be quite a lonely old lady, I will stillbe me of course, I will have interests and friends and hobbies and will probably do some good in the world, but I'll still go home to an empty house and that hurts a bit.

I think I'm entitled to say that smile

Spero Mon 18-Mar-13 22:12:01

Of course you are entitled to say that!

But op is 35 and basically saying I am about to give up because I haven't got anywhere in 5 years.

That is disheartening but if you want it, you have to keep trying. Op seems to have the attitude - I have put in the effort, now where is my reward. As you say, it doesn't work like that.

I can think of much worse things than coming home to an empty house. Coming home to a man so bores you witless or worse, hat ou stay with because you are too scared to leave.

Relationships are no guarantee of a happy life.i think the danger is we tend to idealise what we haven't got.

VelvetSpoon Mon 18-Mar-13 22:13:01

Porridge there may be some truth in the job thing...thinking of a few of the men I have been interested in over the last couple of years, all the ones who are now in relationships of one kind or another, are with women in much less well paid/lower status jobs than mine, despite those same men when they first knew I was a lawyer, waxing lyrically about my job, how great it was, how much more intelligent I was than the women they usually met, and so on. But, talks cheap and all that!

I also worry about a lonely old age, I do have 2 DSs, but chances are both will go off to uni in the next few years, and by 50 (I am 40 now) both may well have moved out. I am an only child, my parents died many years ago and I have no other family. Looking at it like that it does seem a bit bleak...

Singlesupplement Mon 18-Mar-13 22:14:21

porridge - i agree with everything you have just written.

if it was effort out, equals the results, then i would be remarried. im not.
Ive done everything i can. I repeadley do everything i can. I will continue to do it.

But its a fuck lot of effort for literally no reward. 5 years worth of effort for no reward. There will, by human nature, become a point where you go ' for gods sake cut me abreak' and then you just get up and carry on, because what other option is there?

I have family, i have friends. It is NOT the same as the love of a partner. And i want sex too. My friends, lovely as they are are not going to do that for me.
smile

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