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At what point do you just accept you are single and thats the way its going to stay?

(290 Posts)
Singlesupplement Mon 18-Mar-13 08:38:27

Ive been on my own for 5 years now, post divorce. This will be my sixth summer on my own.

Im fine, i have a full life, noone would ever guess i long for a relationship, but i do.

For Whatever reason, its just not happening for me.

This comes off the back of a terrible weekend where i was stood up on a 4th date.

I do online dating, i go out and about with friends. But in this whole time ive not had one relationship, not even a short term fling.

I do not understand what the issue is, i keep trying but not getting anywhere.

At what point do i just give up, accept that thats it for me?

Im 35.

ZolaBuddleia Mon 18-Mar-13 19:31:21

I was single for years before I met DP. I was having the occasional shag, and got stuck in a long term FWB situation that was really demoralising.

I felt like you, bewildered as to why I wasn't with anyone, when I'm not bad looking (although a size 16), intelligent and funny. You have my sympathy.

I actively changed what I was looking for when I met my DP, was proactive about not dismissing someone I didn't instantly have chemistry with (although we got on like a house on fire straight away), and decided I had to break the cycle of being with wankers who didn't want a relationship.

Do you have any friends who could set you up?

BettySuarez Mon 18-Mar-13 19:34:21

Could that be the problem OP? Do you feel that you are stuck in a daily routine? It would be totally understandable given that you have a DC.

Do you feel able to break out of your comfort zone a little? I have no idea what is possible and would be dependent on childcare but could you get away for a few days doing something like an organised charity challenge?

It would involve fundraising which might take you out of your normal circles?

This is probably a crap idea - so forgive me.

How old is your DC? Do you have family around?

Singlesupplement Mon 18-Mar-13 19:42:37

betty, lovely idea. I already do. I do everything from camping to segway racing and vintage markets though to pubs and even clubs. Ive just joined a singing group. I go out for meals, round friends, dog walking, shopping. I do festivals, theatre ( Am thinking about joining am dram when the child is older) cinema... i DO lots of stuff.

Ive just spent 5 years working for various charities.... smile

I have family around. I get every other weekend off plus half school holidays. i can get a babysitter on a fri or sat if i needed to, but dont like to often when its my weekend....

Zole - ive done that too. I pretty much have an open mind. Last advice from friends was to be more picky, not less.

Ive done trying to find just casual, to being more serious. I just dont get anywhere no matter what way i go about it.

Yep, me too! I have gone through periods of not looking, have tried online dating, with no joy, and if you ever mention it to anyone they tell you to join a book club or Zumba! grin

I like being on my own but I do find it hard having no one to go on holiday with, weekends away or even out for a meal.

I think I just left it waaay too late to look for someone; when I did the good ones had all been taken!

ZolaBuddleia Mon 18-Mar-13 19:47:21

Zumba?! Are they mad?! How are you supposed to pull when you're pouring with sweat and on the verge of a heart attack?

Singlesupplement Mon 18-Mar-13 19:49:32

porridge, tell me about it.

5 years ago i thought i was just too early. everyone decent had just got married. i assumed/persuaded myself that the divorces would happen mid 30's. well, they have, but it means the men arent interested in a relationship, they are all just interested in behaving like 18 year olds, shagging anything that moves and being bitter about what happened.

i always get told to join and evening class!!! smile

Singlesupplement Mon 18-Mar-13 19:50:27

do many men zumba??? ive never had anyone say men zumba.

plus, id look like i was having some kind of fit. so possibly it wouldnt be good... ;)

louderthanbombs Mon 18-Mar-13 19:53:44

OP, I realised today that I will have been single for 15 years in June! I've only just turned 40. You've got a long way to go to catch up with me grin. Actually, the realisation has made me a bit sad..

Singlesupplement Mon 18-Mar-13 19:58:35

Oh my goodness. Im sorry.Wow, thats a really long time.

That would make me feel more than sad. How did that happen? or are you just the same as me.....

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep Mon 18-Mar-13 20:00:39

I'm starting to feel like you. I'm around the same age, about to be divorced, and the only men who ask me out are married with kids hmm.

louderthanbombs Mon 18-Mar-13 20:11:13

I think I'm the same as you, I've got a good job, work full time, brought up 2 dds on my own, got friends and a social lie ( although that's dwindling a bit these days). I don't really know where the time went if I'm honest, but I've come to the conclusion that it must be me. The longer I'm single, the fussier I've become blush. And Internet dating seems worse since I've turned 40, 50 year olds seem to think I'll be interested, I'm really not. I'm sure you won't be like me, keep positive, I'm trying smile

louderthanbombs Mon 18-Mar-13 20:15:29

Yes MyChild, the married men are the worst. I don't know where the decent ones are.

Hahaha, me too! I think that, for whatever reason, people just don't like hearing that you can't find anyone you want to spend your life with or vice versa. Family, I can understand as they (should) think you're great and don't see why others don't see it. Acquaintances, I'm not so sure ... I sometimes wonder if it's fear of being alone, that there MUST be something, some reason, as otherwise, it could happen to them too.

The problem is that any discontent you express, no matter how mildly or infrequently, leads to (I have found) people really being quite aggressive and refusing to accept that "Mr Right" just isn't out there. "Put yourself out there!" people half-shout. Well, OK hmm how, precisely, do I do that?

Spero Mon 18-Mar-13 20:18:58

You can give up at any point - but at 35 I think that would be a shame. I would keep on with the online stuff, if you can bear it. Most people I have spoken to who met someone nice said they had to wade through a lot of chaff to get their wheat, but it was worth it.

Singlesupplement Mon 18-Mar-13 20:22:14

yep. thats what i get.

Along with the ' join a club'
' do internet dating'
and ' be patient, it will happen when you least expect it'

hasnt happened in 5 years. despite the same ' advice' being trotted out for the same lenght of time.

OR, you get told to be content with your lot, to be happy with yourself. Which i am. But i miss sex, and love, and compaionship, which are all just human needs. I am not a robot, you know.

LeslieWink1e Mon 18-Mar-13 20:27:45

I don't think I want a fwb greendental. IF i like somebody enough to sleep with him, then I like him enough to spend time with him, and want to look forward to the next time I see him. I just can't imagine wanting to sleep with somebody if I didn't like them or didn't respect them confused HOW do other people make it work?! How do they like people just enough to shag them, but not so much that they care that that person doesn't like them that much. confused

I wish I was a man. Seriously!

LeslieWink1e Mon 18-Mar-13 20:28:38

Obviously a lot of women manage it easy peasy. I just mean, I think of myself as being very typically female in that respect.

LeslieWink1e Mon 18-Mar-13 20:31:02

@ singlesupplement, I've also heard "the way to meet people is through friends". Well, my friends (and they're good friends, I do value them) are mostly all married. I've met nobody through friends in 5 or 6 years. Not one single candidate. I know a few of the dhs might have single friends, but I've never been introduced. Now I know life is not that simple, or that neat, and I get that, but I hate hearing the way to meet people is through friends.

LeslieWink1e Mon 18-Mar-13 20:34:35

@porridge, lol. I'm in a book club, it's all women (all married women except me). My mother said recently "some people aren't the marrying kind" and I think she was trying to make me feel better. Or make herself feel better. I couldn't allow that though. I said 'Actually, I AM the marrying kind'. Because I feel in a parallel universe I am happily married to a normal but cheerful decent man. I sound nuts now!

maleview70 Mon 18-Mar-13 20:36:03

Unfortunately a lot of blokes in their late 30's, 40's Who got married young and are now divorced see the Internet as one big shagfest opportunity. I know a couple of blokes who have no intention of settling down. They date loads of women and see how many they can get in bed only to then let them down the minute any get serious.

Sadly I think you will find the genuine ones heavily outnumbered by these types.

orangeandlemons Mon 18-Mar-13 20:38:07

I met dh after 5 years on my own. When I met him, I had accepted that I was on my own, and this is how it was always going to be. It was a tough thing to accept.

About 3 months after reaching this mindset I met dh. I had stopped even looking or trying....

orangeandlemons Mon 18-Mar-13 20:38:45

I was 36 when I met him. Have a 6 year old dd now.

Singlesupplement Mon 18-Mar-13 20:41:52

maleview, you arent telling me anything i dont already know smile

I joined a ' social group' once... guess what, it was full of women all hoping men had joined.

i just get the ' how come you are STILL single' thing. like there is something wrong with me. Or people assume im not interested in men at all, which is so far from reality, i love men.

TweedSlacks Mon 18-Mar-13 20:44:26

15 years single for me
10 years IC sad

Not sure I miss it anymore tbh . Its harder in the winter when its dark and cold and raining . The internet is full of liars basically , who can say what they want and get away with it.

At 35 you should be OK though . For Online dating tips and advice get onto the dating thread , lots of dating shinanigans over there .

Its easy for people on the outside to say , 'Just go out and meet people' or 'Join a club ' yeah sure . IM going to walk into a pub on my own and start talking to people , they would think i was mental.

Llareggub Mon 18-Mar-13 20:45:36

I am in my late 30s and find that any single men without children aren't interested in becoming a stepfather to my two boys. I'm not looking for that, like you I just want a boyfriend.

That said, I do have a few male friends I knock around with. I enjoy their company and one of them could be classed as a FWB type thing, although we are very close. Another male friend describes his dating life as fairly soul destroying, as he finds that increasingly,people have a tick list of the perfect partner and won't settle for anything less. He is 40 this year and getting fed-up too.

I don't know what the answer is, but I find the older I get the less time I seem to have for new people. Is there something in your life that might put someone off - could you be too busy?

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