Hi, have posted several times in relationships about my DH. Long story short: he revealed on DS1's 5th birthday that he no longer loves me and wants out of our marriage. On further probing, he revealed he has had a 'spark' with someone at work and realises how much we don't love each other anymore. 
It's true we have had a stressful time of it in the last year and there were moments I hated him but I never thought I would leave and that this was just a blip in our coming up to 10-years-in-a-month marriage and in fact, things were starting to look up at the beginning of the year. So sex wasn't that frequent (we were tired etc but whatever, it doesn't matter now) but hey, I thought it was what couples went through. It's been 4 weeks since the big reveal and we have only been twice to the counsellor but he has told me tonight he just wants out. I have talked, I have raged, I have cried, I am tired... He is NOT prepared to put in the work to make us work. I just cannot carry this alone. I hate the idea of both my DSs having parents that are no longer together, in fact, they are the reason I was hoping to re-kindle our relationship but DH is not willing.
After a big cry and talking briefly about finances, I am now very calm. I feel like I have done the grieving for the relationship/marriage I thought I had. I look at him and to be honest, I cannot imagine I will ever love him again after the stunt he just pulled on me and showing how selfish he truly is. I am so fucking glad he hasn't pulled this shit on me when I am 50 (I am 36) and have given my life to him and my family. I feel sick to the stomach when he is around. My boys and I will be okay. At least we are both agreed we will do whatever we can to make this as good as we can (given the circumstances) for the boys and they remain our top priority. Is it weird that I am calmly looking at flats/houses for him to move out to because I don't want my DSs to be living in a shithole part of their lives and also I want it to be within walking distance from their school and our family home? I sound too calm don't I? I feel like I have kicked into 'protect my boys at all cost' mode. I love them so much and it fucking breaks my heart that their father is doing this to them. On the plus side, DH has never been a hands-on father, in fact, I think him having them on his own will kick him into gear as a father, sad as it may be...
I have a lot of support around me. Thank goodness. My family lives on the other side of the world but they have pledged they will support me regardless of what happens. I have sent an email to my brother. We will be spending the summer holiday with them and hopefully those plans will stay so the boys will have a fantastic summer to remember despite their lives being about to implode. My in-laws (who are understandably aghast at their son's behaviour) have been fantastic too. I am very lucky in so many ways. But I feel like shit right now. I wish I had chosen a better father for my children, one who will not decide on one turn of the head at some woman in 'work' mode that his marriage is not worth working on. But I cannot change that. All I can do now is to try and shield my boys as much as possible from the repercussions of my 'D'H.
Please hold my hand. I am strong and I will get through this but tonight has been tough as all my dreams of a happy marriage and family is over. 
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Relationships
Hand-holding please, husband has decided to move out...
angel1976 · 18/03/2013 00:10
Went to bed and couldn't sleep so came back on here. I have a pounding headache caused by the crying earlier on.
Debt I am so sorry to hear it. Yes, in some ways, I feel 'lucky'. I do feel a weight has been lifted as he has made that terrible decision. And while I have no wish to poison my sons against their father, when they do understand things and they ask, I can tell them as neutrally as I can that I tried but their father was the one to make the decision to walk out of their lives and our family. I have read your story on another thread, keep your strength up and we will emerge from this journey stronger. Have you not thought about kicking your DH out? I thought about it but couldn't do it so maybe I was lucky he made the decision to walk himself.
SGB I agree with you. Thank you for reminding me. His behaviour has caused me to question a lot of things. And while I do still love him, I also recognise that my 'falling out of love' with him has a lot to do with his failing as a father since DS1 was born. I did briefly question whether it was right to have DS2 when DH did not take to fatherhood quite that well but I am glad I did, they are only 20 months apart and have the most delightful relationship now and I know they will be fine going through this together. I am not having more so I am glad they have each other for the rest of their lives. He is emotionally cold and has gotten worse over the years. His parents feel he is almost estranged from them. He is a selfish twunt, there is no doubt and I am in some way, relieved to be rid of that constant questioning in my head as to why I wasn't able to see that and how I can change that. I obviously can't. It's not my problem now, is it? 
badinage I do believe him with regards to this girl. He is too 'self-righteous' to do anything wrong. He doesn't want to be the bad guy in this. That is why he fessed up to the spark. He wants 'us falling out of love' to be the reason why we separated, not this OW. I believe that contact with this person will resume very quickly once he gets the wife and marriage and kids out of the way. And that the reason he wants out so quickly is so that he can go and set up his own home and pursue love's young dream. Ha ha, wonder how attractive he will look in the cold light of day when he has financial and time commitment to the children he has decided to walk out on... I am not stupid. I got in there first today to say no meeting any new partners till they are well established in his life and are 'serious' and they do not meet my boys until I meet them first. At this moment, he will agree to anything so I am using that best to my advantage...
He was initially talking about moving out to a room and coming back to see the kids in our family home a few days ago, I said no f**king way, he wants to do this, he does this the correct way, he can go and rent a 2-bedroom flat/house and have the boys when he should. It breaks my heart to 'send them away' but I know they will need that so they don't feel rejected by their father and they can have a relationship. So that is what he is doing. I have a very flexi job now that enables me to work PT but pretty much get the boys to school/nursery every weekday bar one plus flexibility in holidays. I have told him if he wants me to keep that flexibility, he will have to make sure he gives me enough maintenance, otherwise, I will have to go back to FT and he can bloody well sort out the additional childcare, he has also agreed to that.
This won't be easy but I will fight for my boys all the way. I am hoping and praying that as long as I keep 99% of their lives as normal, they won't dwell on the fact that daddy doesn't live with us anymore when the time comes. :(
It's good you said that about visitation. Having him coming back to the family home on weekends would make your boys harbour hopes that he would come back for good. It would also give you no flexibility - especially in the long term if you were to start seeing someone new. I might have just very casually hinted at that ... 
. If anything, make sure the new girlfriend does get to see your kids - exactly so she can see that he is a man with other responsibilities which she will have to assume to. It wouldn't be surprising if she runs a mile.You sound very strong.
I've also woken up after little sleep but in my case because of a racking cough....
You're probably still in the habit of believing everything he says Angel, but do keep an open mind about this other relationship. IME the more self-righteous the bloke, the greater the need for him to convince himself that a fairly ordinary affair is some great love story for which the marriage must be sacrificed. Not for him an everyday story of lust and tawdry sneaking around; only a never-to-be-repeated love story will satisfy his need to think of himself as an honourable man.
Which is why I am foreseeing this affair crashing and burning when the shine wears off and it's exposed as just another tacky story of work colleagues who got together because of proximity, rather than any pre-ordination from the cosmos.
If he's telling lies, at first glance it might not appear to matter if this was an established affair. But if it was, it might help you make sense of recent months and especially any changes in your relationship since he started working with this woman (if you know when that was). A friend of mine went through something like this and if you're anything like her, her instinct was to recall that for the previous year her and her husband had been at loggerheads for no real reason. She blamed herself for her part in it and rationalised that this must have provided the breeding grounds for his affair. It turned out though that the flare-ups and arguments that came out of nowhere started after he'd met the OW at his work and this was his way of creating trouble at home so that he could have an affair. She was able to make much better sense of her recent past and this did help her put the blame where it was deserved.
You're doing all the right things though, giving him a reality check about looking after his own kids unaided. You did really well to insist on this despite your shock and upset. Stand firm on this; it gives you some control back and moreover, it's the right thing to do for kids after a separation.
Hope you've managed to nod off again. Right now I have a date with a bottle of cough mixture
bad I really don't give a toss anymore about the OW. She is welcome to him. I spoke to his mum for over an hour today and his best friend (called his best friend's wife actually as we socialise quite a lot with our children) and they are both baffled by his behaviour. They both tried to talk to him separately over the weekend and both have said they are not getting through to him and he already has answers for everything... I told him I spoke to his mum for over an hour today and he was like 'About what?' I was thinking 'your shitty behaviour what else?' But I refused to be drawn into any more discussion about this.
I actually went into the real estate agent today to have an enquire about 2-bed properties today. The agent asked who it was for. The look on her face when I said 'my husband' was priceless!
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bad I agree. I'm a big fan of psychotherapy, having gone through it once in my late teens when I went on a self-destruct path. My lovely psychotherapist then helped pull me out of the depths of misery and help me understand so many of my 'issues'. I will definitely think about doing some sessions with the therapist as I think she is so lovely and she was trying to help but I cancelled tonight's session as I realised DH had not been listening at all and I think tonight's session would involve another exhausting rehashing of issues/problems that I cannot face right now. Thank you so much for your support. I appreciate you taking the time to post... 
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