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Husband has just left. Doesn't love me any more. I am destroyed.

(253 Posts)
UterusUterusGhali Sat 16-Mar-13 20:16:45

He hasn't loved me for a while.
Haven't had sex for ages. He doesn't fancy me. Sees me more as a sister.

I want to curl up and die. Im just bereft. I don't know how I can carry on.

Rulesgirl Mon 01-Apr-13 17:23:30

Uterus, I hope you come back and talk. There are a lot of really lovely ladies out there who will help you through this and give you good advice. The main thing is not to let this man hurt you anymore. Apileofballyhoos post is really good as a way of dealing with all this in the hear and now. Try and look after yourself as best you can and treat yourself to some nice food so that you can eat a little more. Your children love you and need you so much so let them be your reason for getting stronger.

memorylapse Mon 01-Apr-13 16:49:44

I am late to this thread but wanted to share my experiences,
2.5 years ago when my dc were 16, 9, 6 and 6 months..my xh told me that he no longer loved me and was leaving...I was distraught and blamed myself for being too busy with a new baby to notice he was unhappy...then I discovered that he had been having an emotional affair with a woman he worked with..he wouldnt admit it..even though I had the text evidence..he carried on lying saying it was all my fault..accused me of being a monster when Id been exhausted from lack of sleep..finally I plucked up the courage to throw him out in 2011 and enjoyed being on my own..but I still loved him very much and took him back later in the year....however the man I married had gone..and in his place was a heartless selfish man who thought he could carry on his affair whilst living under my roof and mentally and emotionally abuse me. Things came to a head when in April last year he assaulted me on my little girls second birthday...In front of the children..the next day I phoned the domestic abuse unit and 8 weeks later I had moved out with the children..
The last year has been hard, I wont lie and he regularly taunts me with how he never loved me..hated me for years etc...all very different from what I recall before He started seeing his other woman..sadly he rewrote history in order to silence his conscience. ? Made it easier to behave so appallingly towards someone he had spent 17 years with.
What ever the outcome..please dont try and win this man back..he is not worthy of your love..YOU are the prize..and he should attempt to win YOU back..if thats what you wanted..but please dont do anything silly..this vile man has treated you so cruelly..he doesnt deserve your tears or distress..you will get through this..I promise..I thought my life was over even until quite recently I still struggled to comprehend how he could do this..then I realised it was because he was a self entitled git who out his own self satisfaction before anything else..my revenge? Me and the kids are getting on with life..Ive had a fling which proved Im not ugly..The kids are happier...and Im getting better each day...him...he is stony broke..cant afford a car and lives a relatively empty life..he gets to see two of his children once every two weeks..my 12 year old wont see him because he is still angry at his dad..and as for his ow..well he doesnt live with her and spends most of his time messing with her head now...
You will get through this, but what will annoy your husband more is you make out you are managing just fine..even if inside you feel like dying..don't let him know..surround yourself with support...show him you are doing just fine WITHOUT him..he will hate that

Apileofballyhoo Sun 31-Mar-13 00:02:54

Hope you are feeling a little bit better Uterus. Don't leave your DCs, give them a better life. Happy Mum equals Happy DCs. You have so much ahead of you that will be good. This is a turning point in your life. Remember your kids love you and you love them. Just the other night you had fun with your dd on the sofa. Keep yourself detached from husband, he is throwing you into turmoil. Don't agree to travelling to strange places. Let him do the running, protect yourself.Anxiety is the other side of depression. Build a wall between him and you. Put an emotional plastic bubble wrap around yourself. Imagine his hurtful words bouncing off you and into space. Withdraw to your inner self, protect yourself and stay safe. You are the only person in the world who loves the DCs as much as you love the DCs. A father should do what he can to protect the emotional well being of his children's mother in order to protect their emotional well being. He should not belittle you in any way and it is wrong of him. Things can and will get better. Shut him out emotionally and don't let him destroy your balance. He has no power over you if you don't let him. Put yourself first, your wants, your needs. You are a strong capable woman. He is an immature, irresponsible running away from marriage man. House tidy my arse. I am assuming he has arms and legs?

2anddone Sat 30-Mar-13 21:14:48

Holding your hand so tightly uug. I am in a similar position dh has left for a few days to decide what he wants to do. I have put on a big show for dc and he has been coming to put them to bed. I feel sick all the time waiting for him to decide what he wants and I have only told my best friend as I don't want anyone to know in case he comes back. We can be strong and get through this together x

Lavenderhoney Sat 30-Mar-13 20:11:43

Uterus, can you see your friend mistress poppy? I think you know her in rl?
Mistressploppy, can you call uterus? If you know her?

He is being an arse. You are not mental. You are the mother of 3 amazing dc who love you. Your dh is not worthy- he hasn't been the dh he was and has now left. You said yourself, you have a new normal and he was cruel to make you think it might work again.

I hope your dm is looking after you. It's the shock, of him leaving, then being nice, then being an arse again. He doesn't hate you. I'm guessing he doesnt like himself much and is taking it out on you. Its very hard, but think of your dc and yourself. He didn't treat you right, he isn't now.

Take care of yourself - can you tell work and get sometime off to sort out your finances? You don't have bend to his will, just because he earns the money. He sounds very selfish. You on the other hand sound very kind and tolerant.

Uterus please call me or FB me if you need to, I am always around, bring the DC (mine will be delighted), you can crash if need be, loads of space for the four of you xx

AllOverIt Sat 30-Mar-13 07:29:25

Hope you're feeling more positive this morning UUG? hmm

LittleChickpea Sat 30-Mar-13 07:04:22

Uterus, I am so sorry. Are there any friends or family hat can come and stay over for a bit? thanks

Loulybelle Fri 29-Mar-13 19:11:14

Uterus I've been where you are, i tried to kill myself, leaving DD behind, later that day, i got home, my ex fiancee, left me that night, i cried non stop for months, Social services got involved, took DD away from me, said i was neglectful, when i was very clearly depressed, i felt no one wanted to help, i wanted my ex to come back and it all go away, i fought so hard to get DD back, and the depression is finally under control, so now, nearly 4 years later:

Lou, you nearly married a selfish twunt

Im single, happy, doing things for me, my life is boring, but its safe, and its my life with DD, everyone else can just fuck off, not pleasing anyone else but me and DD. Thats all.

mutantninjamyrtle Fri 29-Mar-13 18:17:33

Please get some support from your friends and try to take ten seconds off... Honestly, I would eat my own backside if it turned out your miserable H didn't have another woman/ victim on the go.

This is what they do when they're off with soneone else - put you in situations where you lose it or fall apart, so they can then go 'look at that total mess - see, I am completely justified in being an arse and wrecking my children's lives."

Yes, he will act like he hates you as he ought to hate himself butche's projecting... And he's really not worth your tears - certainly not your life.

Rulesgirl Fri 29-Mar-13 18:13:22

Uterus....I havnt read your complete thread but (and I know Im going to be slated here) if you believe deep down that he is a good man and you love him then if you really really want to you could salvage something from this wreck. Its something only you can decide on. No one else. Its your life and your future. Many marriages have hit the rails at a certain point and it is usually the man who walks away and the story does seem to always be the same but there are usually many reasons why and often the signs are there years before the Affair. The Affair is not really the reason the man leaves its what has happened in the years before it. Many women have come out of these make or break crises in their marriage and many decide to stand and fight and in the process they change themselves for the better and find that they are a lot stronger and more powerful than they thought possible. They become capable of living on their own and being happy , and they sometimes decide that they want to start a new relationship with their husband too.

flippinada Fri 29-Mar-13 18:09:47

Going to your mums sounds like a good idea.

UterusUterusGhali Fri 29-Mar-13 18:03:38

I'm too weak to be angry.

I'm going to my mums. I'm supposed to be going out with friends. That might beva good distraction.

I'm just empty again

mutantninjamyrtle Fri 29-Mar-13 17:56:07

Uterus - you don't need this man, so stop turning yourself inside out to try and please him. Think about the strange town situation and cold shoulder again. If he gave a shite he wouldnt have put you in that situation but he's just heartless. He set you up to fail, so you can feel bad and have your confidence destroyed.

Please, please get angry with the fucker.

GeekLove Fri 29-Mar-13 17:52:52

An man who makes you cry is not worth your tears. He doesn't understand because he is not capable of it as he is the only person who has any needs or emotions EVER. That and the fact he says he earns all the money shows what a contemptible emotional parasite. He is probably getting off on the emotional drama of it as it fuels his ego.
Please keep posting.

flippinada Fri 29-Mar-13 17:36:30

Don't do anything lovely, just keep posting on here, but please give also give someone a ring so they can come and be with you.

UterusUterusGhali Fri 29-Mar-13 17:33:25

I just need my husband to love me.

flippinada Fri 29-Mar-13 17:32:20

Anyway never mind me - what you really need right now is a friend. Please pick up the phone and call your best friend, your family, anyone who will help. You need someone there right now, not words on a screen.

flippinada Fri 29-Mar-13 17:30:45

I'll tell you something I don't talk about much.

I nearly lost my mum when I was 11 - she tried to kill herself. It wasn't successful, but I didn't see her for eighteenth months and it was the worst time of my life.

Trust me - you don't want to put your kids through that. You really, really don't.

At the end of the day, children don't really care about things like money and material stuff, but they do love their mums, and they'll miss you like you wouldn't believe.

No man is worth losing your kids and your life over.

UterusUterusGhali Fri 29-Mar-13 17:20:07

I just shout at the kids because I'm a mess.
Theyll just be poor with me.
He earns all tge money, as he always tells me.

UterusUterusGhali Fri 29-Mar-13 17:18:20

I'm this mess because he left, but he thinks I should be jolly all the time. He doesn't see how he gas affected me.

flippinada Fri 29-Mar-13 17:17:47

Hang on a minute, what about your DC. Do you really want to leave them?

I know you are in a tremendous amount of pain but it won't always be like this.

Please don't do anything, and keep posting here.

Sending you some kind thoughts xx

flippinada Fri 29-Mar-13 17:14:23

Just happened on this and couldn't leave it after seeing your update.

I'll just say one thing - don't you dare kill yourself over this man!

I mean that in the kindest way possible smile

Can you call a friend for some RL support, because it sounds like you really need some right now.

UterusUterusGhali Fri 29-Mar-13 17:12:29

He hates me so much. I don't know why. There's nothing I can do to stop him hating me. He hates me because I'm mental, but I can't help this. I'll never be whi he wants me to be. I don't want to be anything but his wife. I can't go on like this. I can't be without him.

UterusUterusGhali Fri 29-Mar-13 17:05:04

Hello again.

I'm back to square one.
He asked me to drop off kids in a strange town. I had a massive panic attack when I got lost. I shouted at him on the phone. he cold shouldered me. Won't talk to me.

We had booked a nice restaurant tomorrow to talk about stuff, although he said he didn't want to talk.

I should be with my husband, not dropping the kids off tohim.

I am supposed to be going out with work tonight. I just feel suicidal. If I can't be with my husband I don't want to be anywhere.

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