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Husband has just left. Doesn't love me any more. I am destroyed.

(253 Posts)
UterusUterusGhali Sat 16-Mar-13 20:16:45

He hasn't loved me for a while.
Haven't had sex for ages. He doesn't fancy me. Sees me more as a sister.

I want to curl up and die. Im just bereft. I don't know how I can carry on.

Badvoc Sun 17-Mar-13 08:42:28

You aren't!
There is nothing wrong with you.
There is something very wrong with a man who ends a relationship by text.
In cases like this, there is usually someone else involved. Sorry sad
My exbil swore to my distraught sil that there was no one else - he just didn't love her anymore.
Cue her moving heaven and earth to keep him happy...changing job etc.
Lo and behold, there was someone else. A friend of hers actually.
Before yesterday, what would you have thought of a man who did that to his family?
Keep that feeling in mind.
You will be ok.
In time.
You will be ok.
Xxxx

Uterus. You are clearly in a lot of pain and sometimes it is easier to look for 'problems' with ourselves than in other people. Not least as when we don't see the issues with other people we see it as a reflection of our own failure for not realising what people are truly like.

Number One. If what you say is correct - which I imagine isn't - then having to be drunk to have sexual relations with someone is their issue - not yours.

Number Two. If you do seem to fall into relationships with abusive people then - when the dust has settled on this relationship - perhaps you could take time to reflect on why this happens and try and identify and avoid the issues. Perhaps you may be able to take advantage of counselling to explore this (I am not in UK but was able to get 8 sessions of not free but subsidised counselling which was very much worth it).

But that is all in the future. Right now you are looking to 'blame' someone for this awful situation and you are the easiest target. Please don't make this situation worse by taking on the blame. Of course I - or others on here don't know you - but I would suspect this is far from the truth and in any relationship there is a minimum 50/50 responsibility for things that happen within it.

Uterus, I don't want to sound patronising but you sound desperately distraught. I only say this as I recognise it. I'm not judging, I have been there. Please if you can reach out to someone in RL and have them over with you and come over to be with you. This can be calming, even if it is just someone in the room to help you function or make you tea. You don't need a plan right now, you don't need to seek answers, you just need to get through it an hour at a time, and you will but please do ask your friends/family for support my love.

Huge love from the other side of the world

clam Sun 17-Mar-13 08:54:08

Did he actually say that you "repulsed" him? Because that's a pretty unpleasant thing to say and makes me wonder if there are more unpleasant traits to him. Clearly, you love him desperately, but if you feel this way despite his poor treatment of you over the years, combined with previous abusive relationships, I'm wondering if you need some help and support in raising your self-esteem.
Not today!! But in future.
Try to eat something and PLEASE call on friends and family to support you in this horrible time.

uterus, downunder is right when she says take things an hour at a time, and ask for RL support. What time are your children due home? If later, take this opportunity to have a bath, wash your hair, sprinkle a little perfume on. And eat. You'll feel so much better, I promise.
(sorry for repeating myself)brew

flippinada Sun 17-Mar-13 09:06:22

Clam is right. If he said that then he's a nasty piece of work.

I understand you are in a lot of pain, but do remember that people want to help - let them.

flippinada Sun 17-Mar-13 09:07:47

And, what everyone else has says abouthim ending the relationship by text.

The only time this is acceptable is when ending an abusive relationship. No decent person does this.

UterusUterusGhali Sun 17-Mar-13 09:09:27

I am having some hot sweet tea.

He has a swanky new chefs jacket that cost £100. It has his name and restaurant embroidered on it. He is going to an exciting event at the Dorchester tomorrow in it.
I am soooo tempted to discretely write the word "cunt" underneath. Subtly. In permanent marker.
I know I should remain dignified, but....

trustissues75 Sun 17-Mar-13 09:18:54

Oh hun....my FWexH dumped my by facebook...

Don't blame yourself for everything - it takes two to make a relationship work, DO NOT FORGET THAT! Every time you start thiking about everything you think you did wrong, or the list of things he gave you that you did wrong say to yourself..."I'm not perfect, I know this, but he's an adult and he has 50% responsibility." As for the repulse remark - way way way harsh and makes me wonder about the states of your relationship and how he has acted through all of this...

Sorry, I have skimmed the thread because I'm running low on time but didn't want to just read a bit and then say nothing.

Lucyellensmum95 Sun 17-Mar-13 09:19:15

Yes you really should remain dignified........................but!!!

It would be very tempting wouldn't it.......... but really probably not worth the fall out.

I don't know about cunt but "i dumped my wife and 3 children by text" would be better! I think if you look in the dictionary that will be the definition of cunt!

You know what though - the best revenge, i heard somewhere, is a life well lived. You wont feel like it now but you will move on - and he will see you for who you are, the lovely, caring, wonderful woman that he fell in love with. Rather than the person with such low self esteem that she describes herself as repulsive - HE has made you into this person, it is NOT you. The irony being, once you have dusted yourself off, he will start to wonder..............by then, it will be too late, you will see the worm that he is and you wont want him.

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

First thing tomorrow though - solicitors, make sure you secure your accounts etc, protect yourself

UterusUterusGhali Sun 17-Mar-13 09:28:27

I can't afford a solicitor.
We are in debt.
He wasnt paying the bills.
I have a court summons for non payment of council tax & the electric is about to be cut off.

AThingInYourLife Sun 17-Mar-13 09:29:46

He wasn't paying the bills?!

flippinada Sun 17-Mar-13 09:31:41

So he's pissed off and left you to deal with the fall out?

And he's spending money on fancy stuff for himself while not paying the bills?

Morning Uterus, let me know if you need me x

ElectricSheep Sun 17-Mar-13 09:42:23

Can you take the jacket back? Get the money towards the electricity bill?

ElectricSheep Sun 17-Mar-13 09:42:41

Has he got anything else worth selling?

UterusUterusGhali Sun 17-Mar-13 09:46:26

His work paid for the jacket. He has a newish car.

Lucyellensmum95 Sun 17-Mar-13 09:46:28

Oh god, you are so better off without this peice of scum.

Right - debt i can help with (way too much experience sad )

Firstly - you can get a half hour consultation with a solicitor: You need to make a list of things to ask so that you get what you need answered, the lovely ladies on here will help you with that.

Court summons for council tax is quite early in the line of events - they send these out quite freely, CALL THEM, tell them that your husband has left and they will advise you on what to do.

The electricity can't be cut off if you have young children - again, talk to them, the electricity company wont tell you this but there is an organisation that can help, i can't remember who they are off the top of my head but you can basically write to them with your circumstances and they can help towards the bill. If you contact the national debt line, they will advise you about this. Volunteer (don't let them force your hand so ask before they do this) to have a key meter installed - absolutely the best thing we ever did, for the gas too. You pay a tiny amount more (this does depend on the company though) and can put your debts on the meter so it takes a little extra each week - we had to battle but we got ours down to £12 a month for a £700 bill for the gas and £5 a month for the electric. This is far better than getting huge bills.

Write to all your creditors - tell them what has happened, offer token payments - by token i mean £1 a month, this means they are much more reluctant to take any court action as the court is likely to find in your favour - i have done this, for most creditors this works, we had one set of cunts that woudlnt accept and wanted a ridiculous amoutn of money, tried to intimidate us, court found in our favour - you just have to arm yourself with your rights. Again, the national debtline can help with this, their website is fab and has template letters etc.

Make sure that any creditors for debts in your DH name know that he no longer lives there and pass on his details. If it gets to the stage where the bailifs come (sorry but this could happen if he defaults and doesn't contact creditors) YOU DO NOT HAVE TO LET THEM IN, in fact, you must not - they cannot take anything until they have made note of it, and they can't do that without entry - just tell him your DHs new address and shut the door. If they persist, call the police. Hopefully you wont have to deal with this though.

Sorry this is long and possibly not what you need just now but when you look back over this thread you might find some snippets that are useful.

Its time to get angry!!

Hi Uterus, just weighing in as another hand to hold.
It sounds like little snippets of anger are starting to creep in, don't fight them, use them to take a break from feeling bereft- and use them to make your plans. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but you will find strength you'd never have dreamt you had. Thinking of you x

Lucyellensmum95 Sun 17-Mar-13 09:48:38

i'd be sorely tempted to turn up at his job and ask him for money for the bills - in front of his colleagues, tell them how the coward dumped you by text! wanker

harryhausen Sun 17-Mar-13 09:52:35

Uterus, I've no other wisdom to add than has been already been said to you.

I have however had experience of partners rejecting me sexually. I've had counselling to realise that there IS nothing wrong me (although that's hard to say) - and there's nothing wrong with you too. You just don't know it yet, but you willsmile

Massive (((hugs))). Keep talking to us xxxx

ElectricSheep Sun 17-Mar-13 09:55:07

The car, is it on finance? Could it be done without? Or downgraded?

I think you are going to be better off financially on your own.

UterusUterusGhali Sun 17-Mar-13 09:57:30

I didn't think this would ever happen to me.

Why is time going so slowly?

something2say Sun 17-Mar-13 10:02:08

Have you eaten anything yet darling? X

ElectricSheep Sun 17-Mar-13 10:03:04

Right now you need to get through this morning.

What are you doing UUG? Are you up? dressed?

Go outside - go for a walk. It will make you remember there's a big wide world out there. He is not the be all and end all. Just one twat of a bloke.

CremeEggThief Sun 17-Mar-13 10:17:10

SO sorry to read your story. What sort of person dumps his wife and mother of his children by text? angry

Do whatever you have to, to get through today, in small blocks of time. Be kind to yourself and don't think too far ahead. Give yourself time to grieve and come to terms with this massive shock. Keep posting if it helps. You will get support here.

XXX

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