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Husband has just left. Doesn't love me any more. I am destroyed.

(253 Posts)
UterusUterusGhali Sat 16-Mar-13 20:16:45

He hasn't loved me for a while.
Haven't had sex for ages. He doesn't fancy me. Sees me more as a sister.

I want to curl up and die. Im just bereft. I don't know how I can carry on.

Ledkr Sat 16-Mar-13 21:58:00

Ooo yes go to ploppys house with your milk. Have a little sleepover.

UterusUterusGhali Sat 16-Mar-13 22:01:53

That's kind ploppy.
I'm in bed now with the dog. I'm too weak to move. Feel like I'm drunk.

UterusUterusGhali Sat 16-Mar-13 22:05:11

I don't get how he can unilaterally decide to break up our family.

How much talking did you do?

UterusUterusGhali Sat 16-Mar-13 22:41:09

Not much. We never have tome. He had decided in December he didn't love me.
On Monday he said he did and desperately wanted to make it work. That's why it's such a shock.

He dumped me via text from work. I insisted he came home. He did eventually and told me he will never be able to love me and doesn't want to make any effort. No point.

Your work might just help you out, if you explain. Maybe change your shifts? Fewer hours or something?

You know you already sound a bit stronger. How old are your children?

Tortington Sat 16-Mar-13 22:56:28

by text - how utterly shitty.

AThingInYourLife Sat 16-Mar-13 22:59:29

Your husband and father of your three children dumped you by text less than a week after he said he wanted to make your marriage work?

OK.

I'm so sorry sad

You don't deserve this.

goodenuffmum Sat 16-Mar-13 23:00:41

Oh UUG
Myheart goes out to you. My H did the same to me in October but didnt leave till I put him out 3 weeks ago. I walked about on autopilot for the first couple of weeks until the nausea had settled. I honestly thought my heart would explode it hurt some much.

On 1 particularily classy day I burst into tears whilst attending the emergency doctor with my ds who had an ear infection! She prescribed me an antihistamine that makes you sleepy because I wouldnt take tranquilisers.

But, I am still standing and I posted on here when I felt very panicky.

I took each day, one at a time. Sometimes a minute at a time smile please dont make any big decisions about your job yet...I panicked about childminding (he worked odd hours and we fitted our childminder round his shifts) but I got it worked out and the kids are happier with the arrangements I have now!

My family arent great support so I gathered my friends around me. And I cried. And cried some more. (Take any offers of help given. People want to help.)

But the tears are less frequent now and the pain is a dull ache. I got into counselling and I am going to AlAnon too.

It is a rollercoasters of crap feelings. When I am down and want to ring him I think about how I would feel if an ex I had fallen out of love with rang me crying and begging and that stops me.

I am clinging on to the belief that there is a great life out there for me and I just have to sort my head out first.

Hang in there. If he is going to come back you want him to see that you love him but you can survive on your own. If he doesnt come back you already will be surviving anyway

Sending hugs your way xx

McPheetStink Sat 16-Mar-13 23:03:14

Uterus, you've got my up most sympathy and support

Treading this road too at the moment, and it's shit.

Be kind to yourself, you did nothing wrong. And keep talking. It is so important.

Leaving hugs and wine

badinage Sat 16-Mar-13 23:06:46

I should think you are unsighted about the build-up to this, but it is extremely unlikely to have been caused by anything you've done, or haven't done. It is far more likely that the cause of this has been hidden from you.

Something that you know nothing about changed in the past week. Your husband doesn't want to face questions about it, hence the cowardly text.

You will get through this, but the key to it is to reach out to others for support in RL and get as much information with which to make decisions in the coming weeks. The most important thing right now is to keep yourself as fit and well as possible and to be your own best friend. Try to eat and if you can't - drink often and keep yourself hydrated.

flippinada Sat 16-Mar-13 23:12:01

You poor thing. You've had a terrible shock.

Please do take up any offers of help and support, people wouldn't offer unless they meant it and you need your friends right now.

Xx

clam Sat 16-Mar-13 23:37:21

You poor poor thing. I hope you've managed to fall asleep by now and get a bit of rest.
Whilst it's good in a way that your DCs aren't witnessing your distress at the moment, they would at least give you a reason to get yourself out of bed in the morning and attempt to function. Please be kind to yourself and don't do anything silly.
You will get through this. It might not seem like it right now, but you will. Don't look ahead, deal with what it is at the moment. Eat, sleep and love your children.

sad

UterusUterusGhali Sun 17-Mar-13 02:25:58

I managed a few hours sleep.

Awake again & my flesh is crawling.
My heart is pounding.

BookieMonster Sun 17-Mar-13 02:37:45

Do you have an OOH Gp service that could prescribe something for the shock? I have to say, it does sound like something or someone has forced his hand to go from let's try to it's over in a matter of days.

ElectricSheep Sun 17-Mar-13 02:48:14

Could you have that bath now?

A couple of paracetamol might help you get back to sleep. You will cope so much better in the morning.

Onlyjoking Sun 17-Mar-13 07:31:06

UUG, I'm sorry you have all this to deal with, it must feel confusing and awful in equal measures, but, it will get better in time.
Gather your friends and family around you, they will want to help if they can.
This is not your fault. There is nothing wrong with you that caused this to happen.
I don't think he is being honest with you or yourself. The truth will come out over time.
I hope to be wrong on this, but ,from everything you wrote It sounds like he checked out of your marriage some time ago.
Men ( huge generalisation ) usually only check out ,when they've checked in with someone else. Expect him to rewrite your relationship history in a negative way to everyone, in order to justify what he has done.
Can you take a bit of time off work to give you time and space?
Be kind to yourself, you've had a huge shock.

Branleuse Sun 17-Mar-13 07:36:23

oh god, poor you. I felt like this when my exh left me. Worst feeling in the world.

You will be happy again xx

Ledkr Sun 17-Mar-13 07:40:44

In then early hours all your chemicals are dufferent so your cortisole gets very high hence feeling worse.
Today make the decision that this is not the end if the world, that you are perfectly capable of coping and that you will refuse to fall to bits.
Then look at how to do this. It's about keeping busy, keeping well even a bit if exercise will calm that anxiety.
If you act a if life us over then it will be.
You are stronger than you think.
This is not the end. It is the beginning of a different part if your life with many benefits.
If you have lived .with a man you love who for no ths has not touched you and made it clear he doesn't love you, then you sure can live without him and all the self doubt and fear of losing him.

Uterus. I was so very sorry to hear your post and wanted to respond as this was me 2.5 years ago. I had mild PND, had a couple of traumatic pregnancy losses, and was in the middle of IVF when my then DH walked out. He strung things out for a while but eventually ended the marriage via email.

At the time I was blindsided, distraught, disbelieving, hysterical, almost deranged. I simply could not believe that someone - with no warning - could 'do' this, could be allowed to destroy a family (DS was 2.5 at time). I could not believe it was possible to be in so much physical pain from an emotional hurt.

When I was there I could not have believed anyone telling me I could have got through it. I felt like I had been in a terrorist attack. My life was obliterated and I did not see it coming and then felt culpable for not making things work and for not seeing it coming.

But I survived it. Things are still tricky (I had moved overseas to DH country when pregnant and have been unable to return home due to DS/legal) but we are getting there and my son and I are a unit and we have many happy times with grand plans for a wonderful life.

BUT. I'd like to advise you on things that I wish I had done to try and help:-

1. I had never taken sleeping tablets and for some reason felt like it was 'wrong' with a small child and that I would get hooked etc - didn't until about 6 months later when I had had literally had about 2 hours sleep since it happened. GP said that it was much worse for my son if I was running on empty and had 2 months of them - obviously an individual thing but for me a life saver and had ones that still made me wake for DS etc so no problem then.

2. I pretty much stopped eating for about a year. I wasn't big before but lost over a stone and was very unhealthy. I also drank (in a functional way) way too much and started smoking again. Stupid to 'punish' myself and allow my ex H to jeopordise my health that way but I did....try try try and look after yourself even if it is asking others to bring meals/going to M&S for ready meals etc

3. If it permanent - when I was sorting out legals I was pretty much out of my mind with upset and hurt so had to sort out the rest of my life at precisely the moment I was least equipped emotionally to do so. If you do have to sort out legals, outside of solicitor, get family/friend help to oversee <I let legal error happen which am dealing with consequences of now via litigation>

4. playing over and over and over and over things I could have done differently or been differently and conversations with ex. The fact is that someone that does not give warning, chance, care to a spouse/partner and throw a hand grenade into a marriage with children has made their decision, did not talk to the person as they did not want a different resolution; there is likely not much you could have done. Peel apart anyone's relationship. Sure we could all be nicer, talk nicer, be nicer on any given day but you know what if you are married and have children unless the person is monstrous and has been talked to about changing things, there is in my opinion an expectation that they will TALK to you about it. Please don't forensically go over things. I did for 2 years. HUGE waste of time.

5. Believe in yourself. And don't let your ex take away your job (if you like it) without a fight. Don't let him make you be a snappy, depressed mother for your children (again, I was a bit shit for a while). Believe that you will be OK.

You will get through this my love. You will. I know I would not have believed it but I promise you you will. Good luck x

hi uterus. i hope you managed some more sleep.

so sorry this is happening.

please don't think 'i have to quit my job' - if you start like that you will just fall into doing everything that fits with him and lets him off the hook of being a parent.

him wanting to leave you doesn't mean he gets to just drop his commitments to his children. he should still have the kids whilst you are working if that is what he was doing before. or do you have reason to think that leaving you will also mean thinking he doesn't have to honour his side of taking care of the children?

hope you feel a bit calmer this morning x

eatmydust Sun 17-Mar-13 08:14:56

Uterus Thinking about you this morning, like a lot of others who have posted I have been in exactly the same situation - it really does get easier. The pain is so intense, just take each minute at a time.

Please keep posting and talk to us - it will help. You are in shock right now, but try to eat and stay calm for your DCs. This is not your fault - don't think that.

Concentrateonthegood Sun 17-Mar-13 08:22:09

Morning OP,

Just reading your thread this morning and wanted to add to the support. You're a mixture of emotions, shock and panic right now. What I can say is that if your marriage has not been right, you will already have been living in a kind of hell and in time, you will find that these emotions are a journey that you have to go through to reach a better place. Minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day. Just concentrate on getting by and start to build some practical plans. Start with work. What do you do and is there any flexibility over reducing your shift patterns? You wouldn't want a relationship like like, uterus, and your husband is doing you a favour long term, even if it feels like hell right now.

uterus, didn't want to read and run. Have you had a bath yet?
Have you eaten? Try a little, even if you think you can't.
It will help, believe me brew thanks
{{bear hugs}} and massive support for you xxxx

UterusUterusGhali Sun 17-Mar-13 08:32:36

Thank you, Dolly. & everyone.

I'm still numb. And crying.

You're right he didn't want it to work, and so never discussed things with me.
He's been off me sexually for about 2 years. That was the beginning of the end. He stopped seeing me as a lover. I repulse him.

All my partners before have been abusive & had substance abuse problems. They had to be off their heads to fuck me. He was the first.
Why am I so repulsive?

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