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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

suspected drugs what to do

25 replies

knackerednelly · 15/03/2013 21:46

I have been with my partner for 4 years we have 2dc. Our relationship has always been up and down amd full of him lying and hiding things. I have suspected for a long time that drugs were involved due to him disappearing for days on end and the mood swings and lack of money.
Yesterday he went out to get the car fixed and didnt come home till 2.30am, he was supposed to be bringing milk for our 1 year old so I had to manage without as couldnt get to the shop.
This morning I got in the car and there is a fine white powder all over the steering wheel and dashboard and a ripped receipt which I guess he has used to snort it with.
We are behind on our rent and bills when we shouldnt be yet he has no money.
Dont know what to do next if I try and ask him about it he will deny it and I feel like I cant prove it!

OP posts:

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badinage · 15/03/2013 22:00

Take the car to the police. They can prove it.

Don't let your baby anywhere near the car in the meantime.

You don't need proof that this relationship is making you unhappy, or that you should leave it.

narmada · 15/03/2013 22:02

Um LTB? Is that an option? Even if only temporarily while he gets help and sorts himself out.

He doesn't sound like a keeper to be honest if he cannot even be relied upon to go to the shop for milk for a baby.

Do you have friends or family you can lean on?

tribpot · 15/03/2013 22:07

Uh .. why are you putting up with him disappearing for days, irrespective of whether drugs are the cause? (And I'm sure they are, btw).

What you can prove is the erratic behaviour you've described above. Why get dragged down into the question of drugs which allows him to control the conversation and make it about your (well-founded) suspicions?

Fact: his spending is out of control and you are unable to pay basic bills. Fact: he disappears for days on end. Fact: he went AWOL on a trip to the friggin shops for god's sake, and left his own child without milk.

I'd also be tempted to report your suspicions of drug use and driving to the police.

knackerednelly · 15/03/2013 22:12

Yeah I can go to my moms. I did wonder about the police but thought they wouldnt be interested or wouldnt want to bother with it.
I know the relationship is over I think it has been for a while the only reason I havent left is thw thought of having to hand the dc over to him for visits.
We did split last year for about 7 months and he started solicitors proceedings for access even tho I had never stopped him seeing the children.
I also think he has an alcohol problem as he drinks every night and its not just one or two but he gets very defensive if I bring it up saying he cant be an alcoholic as he holds down a job.

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knackerednelly · 15/03/2013 22:16

I have reported him in the past for drink driving as he thinks nothing of it and he thinks he will never be caught.

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ChipTheFish · 15/03/2013 22:23

You deserve a lot better than this. If you feel the relationship is worth salvaging then he needs to be honest with you and seek help.

If he is denying he has a problem/turning the blame to you/generally being an arse, then you need to try and move forward without him.

tribpot · 16/03/2013 06:56

He absolutely can be an alcoholic and hold down a job.

knackerednelly · 16/03/2013 08:09

He does always turn it back on to me. I don't give him enough attention, I dont want sex and he says all im bothered about is being with the dc.
He doesn't understand why I don't want sex or like spending time with him.
I know I need to work out how to move on just worried for the dc.

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Branleuse · 16/03/2013 08:13

its more damaging for the dcs to be around someone like that tbh

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/03/2013 08:17

A drink driver that you suspect is out in his car doing drugs?... As far as I'm concerned he's a selfish twat, a danger to everyone on the roads and is therefore the lowest form of life. If you stay with him, you're a fool.

HollyBerryBush · 16/03/2013 08:18

Why are with this person? what value does he bring to your life?

AThingInYourLife · 16/03/2013 08:20

Bring the car to the police and have them check it for cocaine.

Try to get his drug abuse and unreliability on record for any future disputes over contact.

willdivorcesoon · 16/03/2013 08:24

Oh that line.... " I can't be an alcoholic I hold down a good job". Heard that before! Just before my stbxh passed out in a drink induced coma- type sleep where once again he hadn't been able to stop at "just a couple of pints".

Thankfully he has left now and I don't have to put up with that shit. Leave now while you are strong enough and if you don't leave for yourself then leave for your children. They deserve more and better than this.

knackerednelly · 16/03/2013 08:40

I do need to end it he always makes me feel guilty tho but I need to be strong he has to many issues and its dragging me down always being on edge.
I just want to enjoy my life and let the dc enjoy theirs. I just need to try and stay strong and get myself sorted.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/03/2013 08:46

Glad you're thinking that way. However 'I need to do something' is too often a recipe for twisting your hands but doing nothing. Take some practical steps towards separation and it's far more likely to happen. Things like organising finances, getting legal advice, canvassing real life support from friends, family and other agencies, thinking about accommodation etc. Makes it more real.

knackerednelly · 16/03/2013 08:52

I toldy friend yesterday about it all am going to speak to my mom today there is enough space for us to move in at moms till I can sort my own place.
I already feel detached from him anyway but I know he wont make this easy for me.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/03/2013 08:59

Few things worth having come easy.

Meme3 · 16/03/2013 09:04

Hi there
You sound like you are describing my life.
I put up with the same stuff for 8 years and things just got worse and worse.
You have to be strong for you and your dc's, I have been separated from my hubby for a year now and I didn't think I was strong enough to do it as he was controlling as well, but I did and me and my dc's are so much better off without him.
He can only change himself and if he can't even admit there is a problem things are not going to change.
As for contact with the dc's my ex can only see them at his parents house so that I know they are looked after.
If you ever need to talk about anything I'm here as I've been in your situation.
Keep you chin up as you are stronger than you think.

knackerednelly · 16/03/2013 09:30

If he did take it through solicitors will I need proof of the drinking and drug taking because I know he will deny it or downplay it.

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something2say · 16/03/2013 09:36

The courts may do drug tests on him, hair strand tests and so on, that would be your proof.....or say you would prefer supervised contact at his mothers or whatever xx. Are you in the us btw?

knackerednelly · 16/03/2013 10:05

No im in the uk. I would push for supervised contact and wouldnt want him to have them overnight as thats when he drinks the most

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CityTiliDie · 16/03/2013 11:45

So your relationship has always been up and down full of him lying and often dissappearing for days, alcoholism and now suspected drug abuse...... and you bought 2 DC into this?

still there is nothing you can about that now apart from get the fuck out of there as he will not change as long as you keep enabling his behaviour.

Get the car to the police and make contact with a solicitor to log the alcohol and drug suspicion so that any future contact proceedings can use it against him having any unsupervised access.

DTT ASAP

Good luck.

Wannabestepfordwife · 16/03/2013 12:19

I think you need to leave him all he seems to contributing to the relationship is draining you emotionally and financially.

When I was younger and foolish I got involved with someone into drugs and when he owed dealers money it was me who got threatened and harrassed that's something that you 100% don't need.

fergoose · 16/03/2013 13:21

Could you speak to your health visitor and GP - get it all on record what he is like now. Could be worth having it all written down with them if you need support/back up in the future.

reabann · 15/06/2014 01:05

You are describing exactly the same behaviour patterns as the father of my children, I really hope you get this sorted, stay strong, the father of my children refuses to accept he is an alcoholic as he holds down a full time job, and would hassle and complain about lack of sex, he would take two hours to pop to the shop that was 5 minutes away and always made excuses for constantly disappearing. All im saying is your not alone xxx chin up, kids first

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