Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Getting him to properly commit

(119 Posts)
lightsandshapes Fri 15-Mar-13 14:30:00

Advice please!

Short version is that I have 1ds who is a gorgeous 15 month old and dp also has 2 dds aged 22 and 23. Him and their mum never married. I was not on the scene anywhere near their break up. He says is was a young relationship, he got her pregnant on the 2nd date and he (apparently begrudgingly) stayed with her for 8 years. That's his version. We all get on well. They are lovely girls and are good with ds. Anyway my problem is dps inability to commit to anything! It took him 5 years to agree to having ds1. Now he is the apple of his eye. It will probably take another 5 years to agree to a dc2. He owns his small house outright. I pay monthly bills (half) and buy the majority of the food. So he does ok out of me. But he won't marry (reckons just a piece of paper) and is dragging his heels about putting me and ds in a will so that if he pre deceases me, me and ds will be provided for (and there will be stability for ds so we are not kicked out of the house and essentially on the streets). He is 47 and so older than me as I'm 36. I have invested in the house, spending four grand on a new bathroom, etc etc etc.

I know you might say I went in wit my eyes open, and I should have got this figured put before I moved in, but I was kind of blinded by lust and attraction. Now I feel I've left me and ds pretty vulnerable. I wish now I had followed the rules or something and had no sex before marriage, but he wouldn't have stayed around I reckon.

How can I get him to marry or at least write a will protecting ds in his family home while he grows up? My dp is all talk and no action over anything! Even to the point of taking about home improvements and chores but not doing them...

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 15-Mar-13 14:42:37

Bollocks to the 'just a piece of paper' crap for a start. smile Marriage would be a convenient solution but, if he's dragging his heels, then I don't think that's going to happen. What you can and should be doing, however, is talking to solicitors and formalising your financial, inheritance and property claims. Make the appointments, start the ball rolling, get the documents drawn up, and then tell him he either signs or you walk.... serious as that. He's not going to do anything unless he has to.

lightsandshapes Fri 15-Mar-13 14:47:30

Cogito, thanks for that... We had an initial advice session with a very nice solicitor and so now all he needs to do is sign. So you think and ultimatum? Problem is he reacts strongly against them, and I'd have to be prepared to follow through and walk if nothing is done, which is pretty scarey......

AThingInYourLife Fri 15-Mar-13 14:48:03

Don't waste your time.

He's not committed to you, that's why he won't show you any commitment.

He doesn't even want you to get his house after he dies, but he's happy for you to "invest" in it.

So he'll take thousands of pounds off you, but will give nothing back.

You were a fool to spend 5 years begging him to allow you to have a child.

And you'll be an even bigger one if you don't wake up and smell the indifference.

lightsandshapes Fri 15-Mar-13 14:49:45

Yes I know I was a fool but I am where I am. Also I don't want to rip ds away from his daddy. They get on so well.

AuntieStella Fri 15-Mar-13 14:59:03

When you saw the solicitor, was it just for a will?

Have you discussed ownership of the house? As you are not married, if you split up you are not automatically entitled to anything other than maintenance for DS. Bear that in mind when deciding whether to issue an ultimatum - you might want to wait until you have some idea of how you would manage on your own.

DistanceCall Fri 15-Mar-13 15:02:06

He already has two grown-up children and a toddler. He's not having another child. And I can't blame him, mind you.

You might want to tell him that he should include you in his will and you will include him in your will. If you are the mother of his child, he is the father of your child, after all.

brainonastick Fri 15-Mar-13 15:03:04

He sounds like the only person he is committed to is himself. He's not going to change, are you happy to stick with someone who treats your needs so lightly? If he loved you, he would genuinely care about what might happen to you, and his son, if he were to die, and he would want to sort it out.

Just because you've made your bed doesn't mean you have to keep lying in it.

DistanceCall Fri 15-Mar-13 15:05:21

Also, you do realise that he may want to leave at least part of his house to his other children.

AnyFucker Fri 15-Mar-13 15:08:17

You need to seek finance
McCall




You are very vulnerable

Not just if he dies but if he decided to trade you in for a newer model

All he will be obliged to do is pay child maintenance

You have been very, very foolish and are now forced to negotiate from a position of weakness

I suggest you seek legal advice pretty damn quick, and not just about a will

AnyFucker Fri 15-Mar-13 15:09:03

Don't know who McCall is confused

I'm sure this man would react strongly against an ultimatum but you've handed him over way too much power to him as it is. Think you have realised this but you cannot yourself further compound the string of errors already made.

Do his other children see or actually think very much of him?. I also think their mother's versions of events would be rather different to his own. He does not seem at all like a fine example of a father figure for your son now to possibly emulate.

I doubt very much he'll sign anything actually and he certainly won't marry you; his default position re yourself is for you to put up and shut up.

An ultimatum can only be issued once and once uttered needs to be seen through to the letter. It loses all its power otherwise.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 15-Mar-13 15:41:19

"Also I don't want to rip ds away from his daddy. They get on so well. "

You have to find some kind of leverage. Some way to hold his feet to the fire. If you think threats to leave would be met with 'fine, close the door on your way out'.... or if you feel some kind of obligation to excuse his behaviour just because you have a child... then you've got no negotiating position and no power. Which a selfish man will continue to exploit to his advantage.

Whocansay Fri 15-Mar-13 16:03:25

He's a 47 year old man. He is not going to change. You can't make him do anything. And let's face it, an 'ultimatum' is just plain manipulation.

Talk to him. Explain your fears and what you need. And have a time limit. But you have to be prepared to walk away. There is no such thing in this country as a 'Common Law' wife. Stop contributing to the house. I notice that although you pay lots of bills, you don't pay rent, as this would potentially give you a hold on the house (disclaimer - I am not a lawyer so could be wrong). This says to me that he is entirely happy with this situation. If you leave, as AnyFucker says, all you will get is what you can cajole from the CSA. You have made yourself vulnerable, but you don't have to remain that way. Do you work? Do you have any family that can help?

really struggling with why you would want him though

Ahhhcrap Fri 15-Mar-13 16:13:54

The trouble with an ultimatum is that you have to be ready to follow it through.

I'd also ask myself that if he's prepared to walk away from you and his DC rather than sign a will then is he really a person you want to be spending the rest of your life with?

If a marriage certificate is just a peice of paper, then it shouldn't bother him to actually just go and do it - that statement works both ways, a quickie with 2 whitnessess would take no time and little money!

Hate to say it but I don't think a 2nd child is on his agenda at all.
He's 47 - so could be 48-49 by the time new baby arrives (if you start trying now!) - he'll be well into his 60's when child is a teenager. Not something I'd want, I know that for sure.
I want to be chilled out and retiring at that age not dealing with a stroppy teenager.
You need to decide what YOU want from a relationship.
If it's more children and more commitment, I think you to go find that elsewhere!

lightsandshapes Fri 15-Mar-13 17:35:49

Bells bells, he is a young 47 if that's possible. He has said he would have another. Interesting to see if he follows through (two psychics have told me I will have 2 dcs if you put any store in that). We both work part time. When he's in work I have ds and vice versa, so he is hands on. I kind of feel damned if I do and damed if I don't. I don't want to leave and get a massive mortgage on my own (or even a small one) stick ds in daycare and work all the hours god sends. I don't want to leave and go back to parents tail between legs, and to be honest it's not that bad living here. I have a great parenty social circle and a fab family centre. I just want more commitment..... So perhaps I explain my needs and give him a deadline of 1 month to do this, or I start planning a seller ate future from him. Sorry, I can't just walk out.... That would upset everything....

lightsandshapes Fri 15-Mar-13 17:36:10

Hellsbells I mean;)

lightsandshapes Fri 15-Mar-13 17:40:41

P.s. advice with solicitor suggested I have a life interest in the house and after I pass it is divided 3 ways to the dcs. There is also an issue that if I needed to move to find work after dp dies to support ds, how would that work with the house. Perhaps I could rent it out and use the income to live elsewhere. Nothing in life is garunteed. I would just like him to make this commitment so I don't feel like the biggest mug in town.

AttillaTheMum Fri 15-Mar-13 17:44:15

I wouldn't waste my time, if he cannot commit I would make clear I was out

lightsandshapes Fri 15-Mar-13 17:45:39

Yes Attila but out where exactly. I have £6000 savings, a baby and 3 dogs. Can't rent with dogs and 6k won't get you a mortgage.....

lightsandshapes Fri 15-Mar-13 17:47:36

Yes Attila but out where exactly. I have £6000 savings, a baby and 3 dogs. Can't rent with dogs and 6k won't get you a mortgage.....

The solicitors plan is sound.

Presumably your dps daughters also have a mum to inherit from? Your ds is in much worse position. Your dps daughter will be entitled to 50% each of their mums estate, 33% each of your dps estate, and your son only 33% of his fathers, and nothing from you as you have nothing. Just a part time job.

And if he passes without having signed this very reasonable proposition, you and his son will be homeless, and his daughters own 2/3 of the house. Unless you can afford to buy them out?

What do you plan to do?

Does your dp find it fair that the situation is like this? Clearly he does, as he is not showing any commitment towards you and your child together.

I think the way you need to approach it with him, is your need to actually get on the property ladder and buy a house for yourself and your son as you are both in a very vulnerable position.

You have just handed over savings that could have gone towards your deposit for a home on upgrading his bathroom. How does that make you feel?

I know you dont want to put your child in day care and work full time. But you need to wake up and smell the coffee. Not sure you have the luxury of working part time in your circumstances! Assumably your dp will still work part time, so can be with his child on days you work? I think you need to start looking after yourself and your interests, because your dp is not going to!

You dont necessarily have to leave him, but get a full time job and start saving!

Sheila Fri 15-Mar-13 17:58:01

Sounds like you just have to stick it out and hope that things improve or you're in a better position to live without him. I wouldn't advocate having another child with him though - then you'll really be stuck.

Just saw your last post.

Look for full time work. Start saving. Be prepared to leave your 3 dogs behind at some point. And if you dont think you can get "a career" maybe part time study together with your part time job?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now